To be worried sick about my 14 year old and his phone.

[fairycakes1234]

My 14 year old son started secondary school last year. We got him a phone when he was 12 but he never used it apart from making the odd phone call now and again and he was more interested in doing things with his dad, walking the dog, fishing, playing cards. Anyway, he started the new school and has a new set of friends and now hes like a different person, i know it could be his age as well, but he is literally obsessed with his phone, cant leave it out of his hand, if we ask for it, there is huge rows. When we take it off him he sulks, he cries, he shouts, he doesnt want to do anything or interact with the family. We had a huge row last night and i took it off him and hes not getting it back today but hes literally down here now almost crying telling me his friends will be on and hes missing out. I actually think hes addicted to it, and Im really sad that we let it get to this stage. We have decided to limit his use to hour in the morning, and hour at night. Can anyone tell me if you are experiencing this and how do you handle it. Thanks, im so sad about this. He really was such a happy kid and loved being wiht us and now hes sulky, and cheeky if we dont give him the phone. By the way he goes out with his friends, he plays hurling and football so its not like he has nothing to do but it seems like hes doing all this and is happy when hes doing all this but then when activites are over its straight back to the phone. I have an older daughter and she wasnt like this when she was 14 but then i know times are different now. Thanks for reading

Really surprised at the number of posters who are just shrugging their shoulders at phone addiction in relatively young teenagers, especially given that threads on here about tweens/teens accessing inappropriate content online are always met with cries of "why on earth are you letting them have unregulated access to the internet?!!!". It just doesn't add up.

Anyway, OP, I think your concerns are justified - I share them - although I haven't really worked out a solution either. My DC don't react as badly to me restricting screen use (which includes phones, tablets, xbox etc) but it does sadden me that although they all enjoy a range of different activities (both their own sports etc and family time), they are so keen to get back on their screens afterwards. It feels like other activities are just a temporary distraction to their life online.

I find it really frustrating that school work is now absolutely bound up with screen use too - I think it makes it so much harder for kids to focus on work when they are having to use screens - it is so easy and tempting to get distracted.

Our middle ground is to use a manager app (we use Google Family because we are all Android) to switch their phones off overnight. And we have rules like no phones at the dinner table, if we are out as a family etc. The children have grown up with this so they never complain. But honest to god I wish the bastard things had never been invented.

Sadly it’s a sign of the times OP. They’re all addicted to them. Just make sure he keeps the brightness turned down so he doesn’t screw his vision up in a few years.

@gobackanddoitproperly i think there is some correlation, but i'm not neurotypical, i have ASD and ADHD traits, so while i don't read like i used to, i flit between phone, tablet and computer (Sometimes using all 3 at once ) doing a mixture of gaming/chatting/research/reading.

When i do go back to reading books, i will completely lose myself back down my reading rabbit hole to the point i have friends texting to ask if im ok as they haven't heard from me all week... last time i read something like 16-20 books in a row and didn't do much else over that fortnight. I haven't picked another book up since and that was..2/3 months ago i think?

All the people saying that this is normal....We really should not be normalising this. It's very common, very common...but no it's not normal. A psychological addiction (to anything) can be just as damaging as a physiological one. It's stops you doing stuff, it gets in the way of development and it impacts your life.
All teens are different and some can self regulate sooner than others, but we need to guide them and set limits....

It sounds exactly like me at that age and that was when all you could do on phones was to text and call people. Thinking back at it now for me being able to have private conversations, jokes, etc. with other people my age was me starting to explore the concept of having a private life and getting to understand myself better. I wasn't attached to it because I was addicted but it made me feel like I was grown up enough to have it and have my own life on it if that makes sense? Since he seems to be having a normal social life, I think it sounds pretty normal. I appreciate there are more dangers online these days so perhaps it's about education rather than punishment.

Isn’t everyone a little addicted to their phone? I spend far too much time on mine as does dd1, it’s become a huge part of everyone’s lives, no one wants to miss out what’s going on in the world, wether it’s what your mates are chatting about or local news.

Lay down a few rules, no phone whilst eating, no phone after 9pm and no phone when visiting family or taking part in a family activity.

Posters who are saying that when they were teens they were addicted to reading, spending hours on the landline chatting, texting on old brick phones, and that smartphones are just the 'modern' equivalent - I just don't buy it. Smartphones drive a level of addictive behaviour that is off the charts in comparison, and unlike anything we had access to.

It's like saying its fine for kids to use crack because when we young we used to buy sweets every day from the corner shop.

[quote MothExterminator]@Bitofachinwag in a locked cupboard in their house. They are marked with their names and can be collected after dinner. Set evening phone times in the week, adjusted for overseas parents.

Weekend phone times varies depending on sports fixtures and events. DD is home every weekend anyway (released after Saturday school and sports fixtures) so I don’t look at those times much. [/quote]
Sounds great, so pleased that schools "dare" do this!

It's normal, but you can get some boundaries. Ours were: no phones at mealtimes - and we always ate together in the evenings and at weekends. Phones off during family walks.

Can you encourage him to invite his friends to play football or go cycling, swimming, bowling or rowing together so they are interacting without screens?

@cheeseismydownfall

Posters who are saying that when they were teens they were addicted to reading, spending hours on the landline chatting, texting on old brick phones, and that smartphones are just the 'modern' equivalent - I just don't buy it. Smartphones drive a level of addictive behaviour that is off the charts in comparison, and unlike anything we had access to.

It's like saying its fine for kids to use crack because when we young we used to buy sweets every day from the corner shop.

Yes!

How do you define addiction?

@LoisLanyard

I'm really shocked that people on here think it is normal for anyone to be so attached to phones! If something is getting in the way of in person interactions, or daily tasks like having a shower, surely there is a problem? How can we expect a 14 year old to show restraint if we aren't helping them? We need to lead by example, and I also believe that restricting a teenager's use of phones (etc) is important - and we as parents can pick what that means. For us it is no phones in bedrooms, they are kept downstairs at night, and daily limits on apps like TikTok which are designed to suck hours from you. Each to their own, but if you personally are feeling like your 14 year olds phone habit is a problem, then I would deal with it rather than just assume it is typical teenage behaviour.

Thanks, I agree with you

[quote Nocutenamesleft]This talks about addictions to phones

www.parent.com/blogs/conversations/smartphone-addiction-affecting-teens-brains-not-good

It has an actual name.

It’s called NOMOPHOBIA

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6510111/[/quote]
Thank you, i will have a look.

My kids always left their phones turned off and downstairs at night until after they’d done their GCSE’s.

@Funfortheroad

People on mumsnet never want to restrict phone use for teens. I think probably because they don’t want to question what they’re allowing their kids to do. You’re saying he’s literally addicted and it’s impacting his quality of life. Of course you should restrict it!

Exactly this. Ignore the minimisers - they are only trying to justify letting their children have unrestricted access to something that’s proven to be harmful.

I think restricting is the right thing to do. Your son’s behaviour sounds unhealthy. He will be a happier and healthier boy with the limits, even if he can’t always see it. That’s why you’re the parent.

Thank you, I agree

At 14 your friends are your life and your start to move away from your family emotionally. It is normal it is being a teenager and has been like this for years, phones just make it easier. My son would miss out on loads of things if he only had his phone for an hour morning and evening. Does your son not go out with his friends in an evening? How does he know where to meet them, how does he contact you in an emergency? I remove my 14 year olds games console for bad behaviour but never his phone.

Smartphones are addicting for adults, teenagers and children. I have to put mine away so I am able to concentrate on other things without having to check my phone all the time. I feel like they created them to control us and the actual people who invented them know the damage they do and do not allow or limit the use of technology to their own children. My oldest daughter used to be much more creative before having a mobile phone.

However some of the things you describe like wanting to do more things with friends instead of family are normal teenager behavior.

The rules I have are:

No phones on the table
No phones at night time
Phone away one hour in the evening to help with whatever is needed and interact with the rest of the family
Phones away a few hours on the weekend depending on activities to help with shores and interact with the rest of the family.

It is a constant battle against mobile phones.

@Excilente

Similar here, and I am neurodivergent too.

Some here seem to assume those of us who haven't mentioned strict routine and limits think kids should be glued to their phones 24/7.

There's not just the two camps - an hour a day, or zombified.

Imo, yes, the OP is right to be wary of addiction, that children should have interests outwith mobile phones, but a kid who is on school holidays for four months, and strictly limited to a certain time of day of phone use will miss out on making arrangements with friends - to do those things outwith his phone! A last minute "hey, fancy going swimming?", "Mum's making me take the dog out, wanna come with me?", "hey, what you up to?"

Yes, impose limits, but you can't get away from the fact that social lives are mostly conducted and arranged via their phones at this age. Don't block him from that.

No phones during meals - good.
No phones after bedtime - good.
No phones during family time - good.
Removing phones as a punishment - good.
Phone use curtailed to 8-9am and 7-8pm - not so good, and likely unnecessary.

OP, there is a very tiny percent of people here telling you that you are right, and the rest of us telling you that you are wrong. However you just jump on the very few who are telling you what you want to hear, so I presume that you are just ignoring the rest? Some of the advice given here from peoples own experiences is actually excellent, please do not ignore it.
What you are doing to your son is really worrying me, you are being far too harsh on your him, and the consequences could be much more worrying than his normal teenage behaviour is at the moment - as a previous poster said, this is NOT the hill for you to, die on.

She can see for herself that her child isn’t ok, just like I can see that my son isn’t his happiest or healthiest when glued to his phone. It is addictive. It’s designed to be addictive! There’s a reason why the people who work in tech strongly tend not to give their children free access to phones. Steve Jobs, Bill Gates, Tim Cook, the CEO of Snapchat (his was 1.5 hours a week for his kids!) all limit screen time for their kids and teens.

You could install the Bark app for peace of mind ?

Some here seem to assume those of us who haven't mentioned strict routine and limits think kids should be glued to their phones 24/7.There's not just the two camps - an hour a day, or zombified.
If you notice people are saying to take their child's phone away at night time and family time- that means they're saying they leave their child with their phone all day. If your kid doesn't know when to stop they're saying it's fine for them to be checking or on the phone for a full school/working day on the holidays or weekends

What you are doing to your son is really worrying me

@cheeseismydownfall

Posters who are saying that when they were teens they were addicted to reading, spending hours on the landline chatting, texting on old brick phones, and that smartphones are just the 'modern' equivalent - I just don't buy it. Smartphones drive a level of addictive behaviour that is off the charts in comparison, and unlike anything we had access to.

It's like saying its fine for kids to use crack because when we young we used to buy sweets every day from the corner shop.

Well.. yes and no.

There is something about child/teen brain development, and the production of Dopermine and Seratonin that can make it easier to appear to become addicted to phones.

It correlates to ADHD type behaviour... .phone use causes a dopermine hit, which our brains interpret as a pleasure/high, we get the hit, then it fades.

What happens is because phone use causes those constant inputs of dopermine, we develop addictive behaviour patterns because our brain constantly seeks that higher level of dopermine which it does use to develop, its an essential chemical in brain development.

People who don't have ADHD will eventually tail this behaviour off as their own levels of dopermine/seratonin will stabilise as they come out of puberty and into adulthood.

Those who DO have ADHD or are borderline will continue it as ADHD is effectively a dopermine deficiency, so their brain isn't operating with the correct amount of this chemical, which means it isn't able to function adequately.. so they continue to dopermine seek through lots of little hits.

There ends my soapbox science lesson on teens and addictive tendencies.

*i should add its not just phones that cause this, but anything that gives us an immediate pleasure hit, its just that modern social media is an excellent source of quick and dirty dopermine.