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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be worried sick about my 14 year old and his phone.

175 replies

fairycakes1234 · 14/06/2021 10:01

My 14 year old son started secondary school last year. We got him a phone when he was 12 but he never used it apart from making the odd phone call now and again and he was more interested in doing things with his dad, walking the dog, fishing, playing cards. Anyway, he started the new school and has a new set of friends and now hes like a different person, i know it could be his age as well, but he is literally obsessed with his phone, cant leave it out of his hand, if we ask for it, there is huge rows. When we take it off him he sulks, he cries, he shouts, he doesnt want to do anything or interact with the family. We had a huge row last night and i took it off him and hes not getting it back today but hes literally down here now almost crying telling me his friends will be on and hes missing out. I actually think hes addicted to it, and Im really sad that we let it get to this stage. We have decided to limit his use to hour in the morning, and hour at night. Can anyone tell me if you are experiencing this and how do you handle it. Thanks, im so sad about this. He really was such a happy kid and loved being wiht us and now hes sulky, and cheeky if we dont give him the phone. By the way he goes out with his friends, he plays hurling and football so its not like he has nothing to do but it seems like hes doing all this and is happy when hes doing all this but then when activites are over its straight back to the phone. I have an older daughter and she wasnt like this when she was 14 but then i know times are different now. Thanks for reading

OP posts:
MaybeCrazy2 · 14/06/2021 12:28

Totally normal and I think it’s mean only having an hour in the evening. His childhood isn’t like yours, it’s a completely different world.

MaybeCrazy2 · 14/06/2021 12:29

Wait his off school! What’s the problem with him having his phone then?

Original poster
fairycakes1234 · 14/06/2021 12:29

thanks all, its nice to hear a lot of kids are like this, i am not taking his phone off him for punishment, i genuinly believe he is getting addicted to it, btw he doesnt use it for anything useful as some of your kids do, he uses it sorely for constant whatsapp and youtube. I will sit with him and talk to him again. We only decided to restrict the phone last night, so i will give him a bit more time on it, but definately he is on it too much. Btw as some of you said I am guilty for being on my phone way too much as well, my husband is always giving out about it so going to try keep off it and just use it for phone calls when he is off his, if possible, lead by example.

OP posts:
Original poster
fairycakes1234 · 14/06/2021 12:30

@DumplingsAndStew

eh cause we live in Ireland and hes on his school holidays

Already? I thought they all started July 1st in Ireland this year?

My god it'll be an extremely long summer. Give him his phone!

no, end of May as usual, primary kids finish up end of June and yes its way too long imo. Its going to be a long long summer!!
OP posts:
Original poster
fairycakes1234 · 14/06/2021 12:31

@MaybeCrazy2

Wait his off school! What’s the problem with him having his phone then?
Sorry, i explained already in my OP.
OP posts:
Dixiechickonhols · 14/06/2021 12:34

My 15 year old has her phone other than meal times and overnight. Obviously in school it’s limited too.

Mykittensmittens · 14/06/2021 12:34

I’m in the middle here with my 12yo.

She doesn’t have the phone after 7pm on a weeknight (as we tend to watch something together as a family) but I also put my phone down too. 8pm on the weekends.

She doesn’t have it during homework which can often be an hour or two after school.

It’s never in her bedroom overnight.

She accepts I will check her phone sporadically as she is only 12.

School holidays/weekends we try to stay off them till after midday - that’s motivation to get homework and chores or errands/shopping done, or go for a walk, or just to get stuff done and out of the way to then have ‘free’ time in the afternoon.

I find once the rules are unambiguous it’s all less stressful.

LadyOfLittleLeisure · 14/06/2021 12:35

I think if he is off school he is going to miss a lot with only 2 hours phone a day. That would be difficult for some adults. I think this is unfair, especially while there are still Covid restrictions.

Dixiechickonhols · 14/06/2021 12:37

It’s mean if he’s on his holidays to restrict phone. His mates get up at lunch time and put on who wants to get a coffee/go kick football in park etc at 3pm and he misses out as he’s only allowed phone morning and evening. Before you know it they won’t invite him because he never responds.

Temp023 · 14/06/2021 12:40

I have been through all this with both my girls. They are normal, sociable, academically performing individuals at 15 and 17 respectively. I have decided it is not the hill I want to die on now .

TableFlowerss · 14/06/2021 12:43

Another vote for totally normal. You sound quite hysterical Hmm

TableFlowerss · 14/06/2021 12:43

Saying worried sick

idontlikealdi · 14/06/2021 12:45

How much do you use your phone?

DH is on his ALL THE TIME. I cant regulate the kids if he doesn't regulate himself.

Goldenbear · 14/06/2021 12:47

Using something frequently does not equate to addiction and the corresponding health problems that come with that. For instance, a teenager can be depressed and be on their phone quite a bit to make up for the lack of real life friendships but the phone is not the cause of the depression, the loneliness is.

mam0918 · 14/06/2021 12:48

Im in my 30s now and my mam use to take my phone off me at this age to spy on me and then judge and punish me for everything I said or did (and I live a boring life, there was no naughty behavior or wild parties it was just standard chat with friend or very light awkward flirting with boys).

It really knocked our trust and the trust has never really come back, she didnt even know I was dating until I was 4 months pregnant and she heard it through the grapevine because I moved out of home as soon as I could and I cut her off from knowing anything in my personal private life - she still moans I never tell her anything first.

Be careful what you do at this age because if you are overly controlling you will just push them away. No 14 year old boy want to spend his spare time with family, its a critical age for self exploration and to ban that will just result in him finding a way anyway then never wanting to spend time with you.

DumplingsAndStew · 14/06/2021 12:48

If its his summer break, an hour in the morning and an hour in the evening is too harsh.

How can he be expected to make plans to see his friends? Plans are made much more spontaneously now, and if they can't get hold of him easily, he'll be left behind.

You really need to rethink.

Goldenbear · 14/06/2021 12:50

Some people can do things like smoking or drinking to excess at a given time but then abstain from those habits and have no problem giving them up, they are not addicted they have at that point in their life had too much of something.

gobackanddoitproperly · 14/06/2021 12:51

I think that when many adults have difficulty putting down their phones, we can't expect our children to self moderate. So while I suppose the behaviour is 'normal' it doesn't mean it's ok (well, it isn't in this house) so I moderate usage. There is no hard and fast rule, I do what I think is best for us so I suppose that's different for everyone.

Goldenbear · 14/06/2021 12:55

I was a teenager in the 90's and the thing that my friends did way too much of was watch TV or possibly Gameboy. But then they dropped these things as they became young adults to focus on their studies, holidays, going out etc. I remember my Dad saying the same about TV especially music videos, he saw this as a problem and worried about the lack of reading going on but the concern was unjustified and it was a form of escapism for me. He had politics in the 60's, got obsessed with that and neglected his degree.

Funfortheroad · 14/06/2021 12:55

People on mumsnet never want to restrict phone use for teens. I think probably because they don’t want to question what they’re allowing their kids to do. You’re saying he’s literally addicted and it’s impacting his quality of life. Of course you should restrict it!

Exactly this. Ignore the minimisers - they are only trying to justify letting their children have unrestricted access to something that’s proven to be harmful.

I think restricting is the right thing to do. Your son’s behaviour sounds unhealthy. He will be a happier and healthier boy with the limits, even if he can’t always see it. That’s why you’re the parent.

Temp023 · 14/06/2021 12:57

@Funfortheroad

People on mumsnet never want to restrict phone use for teens. I think probably because they don’t want to question what they’re allowing their kids to do. You’re saying he’s literally addicted and it’s impacting his quality of life. Of course you should restrict it!

Exactly this. Ignore the minimisers - they are only trying to justify letting their children have unrestricted access to something that’s proven to be harmful.

I think restricting is the right thing to do. Your son’s behaviour sounds unhealthy. He will be a happier and healthier boy with the limits, even if he can’t always see it. That’s why you’re the parent.

Actually I don’t think it had actually been proven to be harmful per se.
LucyLocketsPocket · 14/06/2021 13:01

Poor kid. Let him have his phone.

bonbonours · 14/06/2021 13:06

I have a 13 and a 14 year old. They have a daily limit on their phones of one hour a day (and the same on their tablets so a total of two hours) BUT that does not include Spotify, Kindle, my artist daughter's drawing app, or WhatsApp so they can listen to music, read, draw and chat as much as they like. They just can't spend all day on tiktok or YouTube. Also they have a bedtime blocker so nothing will work late at night (for eldest after 11.30pm) and phones and Chromebooks charge downstairs overnight (including my phone). I think at this age they need to fit in with peers but need guidance in order to not spend all their time online. I also encourage mine to do lots of extra curricular activities so they have time not on screens. And we also try to do family movie night each week so we are watching something together not each person in a different room on a separate screen.

Pinkylemons · 14/06/2021 13:08

I have a 14 year old boy and a 15 year old girl. Their phones are surgically attached to them. My son can’t even gave a shower or brush his teeth without his phone.

Typical teenager.

Doorkeeper · 14/06/2021 13:08

At about the same age mine got absolutely hooked on gaming every night with his mates. We set out a system whereby he could game on Friday nights and Saturdays until his eyeballs bled, and could stay up late if he wished to, but Sunday-Thursday no gaming at all.

It worked really well! I am not suggesting you take your DS's phone away for that length of time, but having a routine of phone time/no phone was understandable, and removed arguments.

You could, for example, say no phones after 10 pm, or no phone until 7 pm, or whatever. Setting limits seemed to turn things around.

Mine is 19 and of course games all night with his friends often, and his hand is glued to his phone. My only requirement is if he suggests we watch something together on the telly, we watch it together, and he leaves his phone on the coffee table. It drives me mad watching a film with someone who is not really there. Fine if he doesn't want to watch, but when he suggests it...!