To be worried sick about my 14 year old and his phone.

[fairycakes1234]

My 14 year old son started secondary school last year. We got him a phone when he was 12 but he never used it apart from making the odd phone call now and again and he was more interested in doing things with his dad, walking the dog, fishing, playing cards. Anyway, he started the new school and has a new set of friends and now hes like a different person, i know it could be his age as well, but he is literally obsessed with his phone, cant leave it out of his hand, if we ask for it, there is huge rows. When we take it off him he sulks, he cries, he shouts, he doesnt want to do anything or interact with the family. We had a huge row last night and i took it off him and hes not getting it back today but hes literally down here now almost crying telling me his friends will be on and hes missing out. I actually think hes addicted to it, and Im really sad that we let it get to this stage. We have decided to limit his use to hour in the morning, and hour at night. Can anyone tell me if you are experiencing this and how do you handle it. Thanks, im so sad about this. He really was such a happy kid and loved being wiht us and now hes sulky, and cheeky if we dont give him the phone. By the way he goes out with his friends, he plays hurling and football so its not like he has nothing to do but it seems like hes doing all this and is happy when hes doing all this but then when activites are over its straight back to the phone. I have an older daughter and she wasnt like this when she was 14 but then i know times are different now. Thanks for reading

I'm really shocked that people on here think it is normal for anyone to be so attached to phones! If something is getting in the way of in person interactions, or daily tasks like having a shower, surely there is a problem? How can we expect a 14 year old to show restraint if we aren't helping them? We need to lead by example, and I also believe that restricting a teenager's use of phones (etc) is important - and we as parents can pick what that means. For us it is no phones in bedrooms, they are kept downstairs at night, and daily limits on apps like TikTok which are designed to suck hours from you. Each to their own, but if you personally are feeling like your 14 year olds phone habit is a problem, then I would deal with it rather than just assume it is typical teenage behaviour.

do people who are defending phones honestly think it's ok for their kids to have hours of screen time a day? Somebody said they read they listen to music etc etc, I think you'll actually find most kids are on one thing but for hours. My son has turned into an absolute nightmare and it's all as a result of the phone. When we go out for a day do day hikes, board games etc he's back to his normal self but back in the house and sitting with the phone he's bad-tempered, he's irritable, he's squinting, he doesn't sleep properly, he's bags under his eyes ... I could go on forever. Just because it's normal definitely doesn't mean it's ok and all the adults saying they have a problem to why don't you pick up book go out for a walk, learn a skill, get a hobby? Honestly I'm not being patronizing but my son has opened up my eyes and I make sure to put away my own phone as much as possible so he see that I'm not stuck to it and I feel better too. I am sorry if it sounds awful but it's just something that has ruined our lives in the past few years and we're getting him back but it takes work- he has his phone a few times a day but then he's who she out to help, play a board game or help at his granny's

I am going against the general consensus here… I would take it off him and give it back for a certain time in the morning, mid day and evening. That’s it.

My DCs would all like to have screens the entire time. They don’t. Oldest DD, about your son’s age is at boarding school (her choice, I know this makes me the devil according to many mums here). Her phone time is restricted to 1 hour every evening whilst at school. They do work on laptops but all activity is monitored. She plays with her friends a lot, does a lot of sports and reads/play cards in the evenings.

When she is home, she sometimes forgets about her phone and it is just left somewhere in the house. Sometimes she gets a bit obsessed (spending an hour non stop on it) and then I take the phone off her. She has muted notifications as it is about 100 if she hasn’t checked for a while and she actually says that it annoys her.

My younger DCs are still at primary school and not allowed phones. DS is obsessed about having screen time but we restrict it massively. He does not have a phone (year 6). If he wants to call his friends over teams for homework I of course let him do it. But he is sitting in the kitchen or the living room so I can hear what’s going on.

It was hard in the beginning to restrict screens (we started about 5 years ago) and there were lots of tears but now the children are fine. They have a lot of play dates and do a lot of sports and music with friends. DD was beyond excited that I let her have a phone in year 7 as I refused before that. I have not seen their social life suffer due to screen/phone restrictions.

Seems I am not alone in restrictions on phone/screens after all

I think you are completely right to limit him to those two hours.

It will be very difficult because of peer pressure on him and on you.

Even if you do use your phone to much you are in less psychological danger than he is.

Are you aware of what he will be seeing on there? Have you put blocks in place? Not that they work if you son has his own internet but you could get advice.

@Seeline

It does sound normal. And yes he will be missing out if limited to an hour in the evening. My DD does everything via her phone - checking on homework, chatting with friends, arranging her social life etc. I think particularly over the last year with face to face contact so limited, they have become even more reliant on it.

I think it's reasonable to say phones must be left downstairs overnight for charging, but if he is still going out for activities, doing school work etc it all sounds completely normal.

^This is exactly my thoughts too.

He will be ‘missing out’ on a lot of toxicity.

On side note, I never restricted my DCs and they all went through obsessive phase with it and then went down to more reasonable use of screens. One has even deleted all social media and hardly uses theirs now and they were initially the one I worried most about becoming addicted.

But, in your situation, downstairs charging at night is reasonable so that he at least gets adequate sleep each night.

@Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep

It's normal but it doesn't mean it's ok or healthy You need to put some boundaries in place as you have started doing.

Exactly!

@MothExterminator, so the boarding school only let them use phones one hour a day? That's good to hear. Where are their phones kept the rest of the time?

mine don't have phones, they both have a brick that does texts/calls only, and then they have tablets they can use FB messenger...etc on.

The rules are they can have them until breakfast is finished (no diff to my habit of reading at the table imho) then must leave them downstairs while they get ready for school.

They must do homework, then they're allowed them (excluding dinner time) until 9pm when i remove them. That point they're allowed to read a book or find something else to do till bedtime.

School holidays i don't restrict use, except for meals/bedtime.

They do go with us when we go out, but DS is autistic and it helps him keep calm/regulate, but it stays in my handbag soon as we leave the car, and only comes out if we stop to eat)

At 14 I don't think you should have to encourage them to do extra curricular stuff, they are young adults and are developing their individuality. My DS has a new interest in political philosophy at the moment, he has ordered books online and reads all of them quite quickly. However, he likes to read the news online and will watch silly videos online, chat to his friends and football news. He is seemingly on the phone quite a bit but he pursues interests/passions that are his own so he plays the guitar and has started to use pocket money for vinyl records as this is what he is interested in. He suddenly wants more independence, shopping for vinyl with his cousin as they are jointly interested. I think this is healthy and normal despite much phone usage. You shouldn't micromanage 14 year olds, it is infantalising them to demonstrate no trust and all this interference. If your son is pursuing his sport hobbies what is the problem? My parents would not have dreamed of organising my hobbies/interests and extra curricular life at 14 as is being suggested on here. Teenagers are not middle aged adults.

I find it actually quite sad that so many people say this is normal behaviour for teenagers. No way should they, or anyone, be on their phone this amount of time.

I can assure some posters that, NO, we are not all addicted to our phones. I can actually go out with DH without mine. If I go out alone I have it with me but just in case I need to contact him.

Yes I use the internet (obviously) but I use a laptop and not for hours and hours on end.

“You shouldn't micromanage 14 year olds, it is infantalising them to demonstrate no trust and all this interference.”

It is not micromanaging to prevent untold harm to a child.

Do you not realise that constant free access to the internet in itself is very likely to lead to the management of someone’s mind from myriad outside sources?

No answers sadly but I expect to be heading that way.

I do think the way teens socialised has changed forever and in a way people who grew up before the mobile phone times (including me) can't really ever understand. I don't know what I did with my time growing up without a mobile phone, but I do know I wasn't very happy and obviously that was all before any tech, so it couldn't be blamed as there wasn't any. I wasn't using my time particularly enjoyably or profitably beyond the usual homework/music practice/chores. I guess I just watched TV or read a bit. I wasn't spending the time doing anything amazing anyway, without a phone.

But maybe I'd try and wean off the amount of time slightly, rather than drastically.

For teenagers the peer group is all important and it’s influence is paramount and trumps parents and family. They are establishing their identity and hormones are all over the place

Like someone said, it's normal at this age for teens to be more interested in their friends than their families. A lot of teen phone use is quite trivial to adults, but this is the stuff they talk about and share and is mostly harmless.
But I think alongside this goes reasonable behaviour and expectations around being polite and engaged. So, phones out of bedrooms overnight is a good idea, no phones during mealtimes and some engagement with family life. Which also gives breaks from being constantly online too.
If he's still on top of school, clubs, socialising etc, i'd cut a little more slack.

I don't think you are being unreasonable as I think there is an issue about amount of screen time kids/teens are having. My DS got a lecture from the optician about the need to have regular breaks from tablet / phone and do stuff that uses his eyes differently. Outdoors activity particularly important.

Our optician (who is a child eye specialist) told us at they are seeing way more kids / teenagers with short sight (more than can be explained by better diagnosis / better availability of eye tests). The specialists believe there is a direct link to close focus screens e.g. tablets, phones.

@Goldenbear

At 14 I don't think you should have to encourage them to do extra curricular stuff, they are young adults and are developing their individuality. My DS has a new interest in political philosophy at the moment, he has ordered books online and reads all of them quite quickly. However, he likes to read the news online and will watch silly videos online, chat to his friends and football news. He is seemingly on the phone quite a bit but he pursues interests/passions that are his own so he plays the guitar and has started to use pocket money for vinyl records as this is what he is interested in. He suddenly wants more independence, shopping for vinyl with his cousin as they are jointly interested. I think this is healthy and normal despite much phone usage. You shouldn't micromanage 14 year olds, it is infantalising them to demonstrate no trust and all this interference. If your son is pursuing his sport hobbies what is the problem? My parents would not have dreamed of organising my hobbies/interests and extra curricular life at 14 as is being suggested on here. Teenagers are not middle aged adults.

But didn't your parents restrict things that they felt were harmful?

@DandelionRose i'm 40ish, so mobile phones weren't a thing until i was 18.. i remember spending most of my spare time either watching TV, or i had my nose stuck in a book.

Thinking back, i think my reading habit was as much an 'addiction' as kids with phones today, because my books went EVERYWHERE with me.. at the table, in the car, bathroom, bed.. late into the night. i didn't really spend much time with friends.

Kids have always had something that occupies their attention to the exclusion and exasperation of parents.

Of course I realise there is stuff a teenage boy shouldn't see, I didn't say you don't ask and check what they are using- I work in data protection and compliance so there are quite a few apps and online stuff I would not want him to share his personal data with. He has deleted some apps himself as he thought it was destroying his brain cells! However, I do trust him and actually he is quite often reading or playing the guitar but the phone is next to him, in case he has been invited somewhere or a friend is chatting to him.

A 14 year old is starting to find out who they are, what they are about, that is healthy and balanced. It is not healthy IMO to.treat them like a 7 year old, even a 12 year old, there is a huge difference IMO!

[quote Excilente]@DandelionRose i'm 40ish, so mobile phones weren't a thing until i was 18.. i remember spending most of my spare time either watching TV, or i had my nose stuck in a book.

Thinking back, i think my reading habit was as much an 'addiction' as kids with phones today, because my books went EVERYWHERE with me.. at the table, in the car, bathroom, bed.. late into the night. i didn't really spend much time with friends.

Kids have always had something that occupies their attention to the exclusion and exasperation of parents.[/quote]
So did I (with books). I have read no research on this and may well be completely wrong, but I wonder if people (kids OR adults) who spend over a certain amount of time on their phone every day, over a long period of time, lose the ability to actually sit down for a reasonable length of time and focus on one thing (book, study etc).

I have a very nearly 15yr old dd, and she's exactly the same.

But she needs her phone to access her school homework schedule and notes, so I rarely take it off her as a punishment. She knows she's gone too far when I mention that, and I can guarantee that her behaviour falls right back into line.

I think it's an important way for teenagers to communicate these days, and restricting your ds's phone use may be detrimental to his friendships.

Alternatively, is there something he doesn't want you to see? I was off work recovering after surgery a few years ago, and just knew something wasn't right with my daughter. I checked her tablet and she was being groomed by some creep. So please be aware of that type of issue too.

Ultimately, I think that if you're taking the phone away because you just don't want him using it so much, then I think YAB a bit U. As the parent, you've let the boundaries get to this point and the reduction in use of the phone seems very excessive. You say he's off school, how is he going to arrange to see his friends?

My DS seemingly spends excessive time on his phone, well I don't restrict it to 2 hrs a day and he reads loads! He has books on politics arriving every day in the post at the moment, he is paying for them using his own money so I know he's getting through them. He is often reading in bed when he should be going to sleep. Guess what I tell him to get some sleep as he will be shattered the next day.

@Bitofachinwag in a locked cupboard in their house. They are marked with their names and can be collected after dinner. Set evening phone times in the week, adjusted for overseas parents.

Weekend phone times varies depending on sports fixtures and events. DD is home every weekend anyway (released after Saturday school and sports fixtures) so I don’t look at those times much.