To be worried sick about my 14 year old and his phone.

[fairycakes1234]

My 14 year old son started secondary school last year. We got him a phone when he was 12 but he never used it apart from making the odd phone call now and again and he was more interested in doing things with his dad, walking the dog, fishing, playing cards. Anyway, he started the new school and has a new set of friends and now hes like a different person, i know it could be his age as well, but he is literally obsessed with his phone, cant leave it out of his hand, if we ask for it, there is huge rows. When we take it off him he sulks, he cries, he shouts, he doesnt want to do anything or interact with the family. We had a huge row last night and i took it off him and hes not getting it back today but hes literally down here now almost crying telling me his friends will be on and hes missing out. I actually think hes addicted to it, and Im really sad that we let it get to this stage. We have decided to limit his use to hour in the morning, and hour at night. Can anyone tell me if you are experiencing this and how do you handle it. Thanks, im so sad about this. He really was such a happy kid and loved being wiht us and now hes sulky, and cheeky if we dont give him the phone. By the way he goes out with his friends, he plays hurling and football so its not like he has nothing to do but it seems like hes doing all this and is happy when hes doing all this but then when activites are over its straight back to the phone. I have an older daughter and she wasnt like this when she was 14 but then i know times are different now. Thanks for reading

@HeartvsBrain

OP, there is a very tiny percent of people here telling you that you are right, and the rest of us telling you that you are wrong. However you just jump on the very few who are telling you what you want to hear, so I presume that you are just ignoring the rest? Some of the advice given here from peoples own experiences is actually excellent, please do not ignore it. What you are doing to your son is really worrying me, you are being far too harsh on your him, and the consequences could be much more worrying than his normal teenage behaviour is at the moment - as a previous poster said, this is NOT the hill for you to, die on.

You did read my other replies? I havent restricted his phone yet...i was asking advice first and I got a lot of helpful replies which is why I am taking out of it what I feel is right is well. I do feel my child is addicted, i also took on board that 2 hours a day is not enough as he needs to socalise with his friends, so I wont restrict it for 2 hours a day, but having read all the replies I still think now my child is slightly addicted so I will restrict his phone, of course he can meet his friends, organise days out wiht them, look at this messages but he will not have it all day, and I also took advice that I also need to put my phone away myself as I am guilty of being on whatsapp way too much, so all advice was certainly appreciated.

What about addiction to what can be found on smartphones?

Don’t you people who think it’s all fine know the consequences?

@stayathomer

What you are doing to your son is really worrying me

how so? i havent done anything yet hence asking for advice, why are you worrying for me :)

Somebody else said that- I quoted them and made the 'really' face

this is an interesting video about the adolescent brain and the job that dopamine (not dopermine, sorry) does in regards to development and emotional control.

vimeo.com/250809215

It may be 'normal' ie very common, but that doesn't make it okay - one of the reasons why mental health is so appalling among teenagers is not being able to switch off; the increased ability for bullying; poor sleep etc. Any addiction is bad.

If you’re restricting his phone to just a short hour slot in the morning and evening then you have to be honest about what you’re actually doing.

You’re cutting off his friends and social life, you’re ensuring he misses invites and eventually stops being invited. You’re meaning he won’t be on group chats in the future, he won’t know what his peers are interested in or be on the same page when they meet.

It’s absolutely right to limit social media and gaming use. But communication via phone is now essential to maintaining friendships.

Most kids are also quite interested in the world around them, engaging with news and culture and politics. Nowadays you don’t buy newspapers or watch the news, you read about it online. So you’re also cutting him out of that.

If you’re trying to force him to like spending time with you, you’re going the totally wrong way about it. I would absolutely have hated my parents if they turned me into a social pariah, with just me and the Jesus freaks not being allowed to have friends. It’s just mean, misguided and reflecting a day when friends would knock on your door. They’re doing the virtual version of that but you’ve turned off the doorbell because “ew phones.”

I have a DS15. He's surgically attached to his phone. We have a no phones during meals or tv programmes rule. Plus he has to leave it downstairs at 9pm else he would watch YouTube all night

The meltdowns. Usual teen behaviour. If it wasn't the phone it would be something else. I've been told my friends with older kids to ignore the attitude but boy it's hard!!

Sympathies .....

@Flowers500

If you’re restricting his phone to just a short hour slot in the morning and evening then you have to be honest about what you’re actually doing.

You’re cutting off his friends and social life, you’re ensuring he misses invites and eventually stops being invited. You’re meaning he won’t be on group chats in the future, he won’t know what his peers are interested in or be on the same page when they meet.

It’s absolutely right to limit social media and gaming use. But communication via phone is now essential to maintaining friendships.

Most kids are also quite interested in the world around them, engaging with news and culture and politics. Nowadays you don’t buy newspapers or watch the news, you read about it online. So you’re also cutting him out of that.

If you’re trying to force him to like spending time with you, you’re going the totally wrong way about it. I would absolutely have hated my parents if they turned me into a social pariah, with just me and the Jesus freaks not being allowed to have friends. It’s just mean, misguided and reflecting a day when friends would knock on your door. They’re doing the virtual version of that but you’ve turned off the doorbell because “ew phones.”

No, its not to do with spending time with us, its to get away from his phone and whatsapp and instagram, if he was out playing wiht friends, we wouldnt care that hes not with us, its because hes upstairs constantly checking his phone etc, like i said in previous messages i am not going to stop him checking his phone for messages, he will always be able to meet up with everyone, but I have decided to restrict his phone use and i have told him that, he didnt get it at all today because of his bevaviour last night and apart from a little grumbling he hasnt said much, he is however on xbox talking to his friends, so hes not missing out. Thanks though and you dont have to worry about him, hes definately not going to turn into a social pariah because hes missed a few hours on his phone. Weird way of looking at it :)

We are talking about a 14 year old not a little child and the advice is not the same with older children. You can guide and inform but banning just doesn't help them to understand why they shouldn't be on it all the time and what they should be looking out for when going online. I work in the area of data protection/information security and I have guided my DS on what he should be looking out for in terms of privacy and protecting his online data. He is aware and informed and that is much more important to me than acting in a knee jerk way, that in the long run is not going to help him as he moves into adulthood.

He could get a spare smartphone from a friend (or buy one for £15), link it up to the wifi and you'd never know how often he was on it.

@fairycakes1234 you literally just said it’s to get him off WhatsApp. That is a messaging service. You don’t like him texting his friends. I think that’s deeply unreasonable, especially after a year that has harmed social lives.

Also you’re not ok with him being on WhatsApp but gaming is fine?! Surely if you had a line it would be the social side of stuff (like texting) is fine but limit gaming and mindless scroll.

How have you rationalised your decision on this as arguably the X box is just as addictive?

@lynsey91

I find it actually quite sad that so many people say this is normal behaviour for teenagers. No way should they, or anyone, be on their phone this amount of time.

I can assure some posters that, NO, we are not all addicted to our phones. I can actually go out with DH without mine. If I go out alone I have it with me but just in case I need to contact him.

Yes I use the internet (obviously) but I use a laptop and not for hours and hours on end.

I'm saddened by this, too, and I'm not surprised that studies show that overuse affects them mentally and/or neurologically. When do their brains get a chance to switch off and just chill?

Mind you, some adults aren't much better. I hate it if I meet a friend and they're constantly checking their phone. I met a mate for lunch on Saturday and forgot to put my phone in my bag before I left. When it came up in conversation, she was gobsmacked to hear that I'd only gone a mile or two down the road when I realised I'd forgotten it and didn't bother to go back and get it, and she's 56!

Do you have something like Family Link that lists the apps and how much time is being spent on what so you can discuss them with him?

My 14-year-old gets 1 hour before her phone locks as a baseline a day (alongside bedtime lock). She gets more if doing something specific with friends or us and she can still get & make calls. When we've had times of free access, she tends to just play more music to dance around with (which is why we bought her a separate dancing music player that has better sound quality and less likely to break with her jumping around) or getting pulled into drama. She just doesn't have the emotional control yet to not try to solve all the problems and it runs her ragged.

It was funny when she turned 14 - I'd said she could have a social media account then like her brother did with Instagram for a brief time (at 14 he was into photography so it made sense). All her friends knew about it, so when it happened they were all telling her which ones not to bother with...

My 16-year-old has mostly free access now. He does sulk at times if someone makes a joke about his usage, I'm working on not doing that as it's not entirely fair on him with things as they are, but I've never had the crying and shouting over times he's not had access (about other things, yes, just not that). We did put in a block time schedule with 'chill' time (as he called it) where he can use it and task time where he's doing other things, and I try to do planning as a family once a week or so we can plan family things and tasks when we'll need him available -- so yesterday, we spent hours at our old house with clearance people, no complaints, then we came home and he chilled, no complaints from me. He's both part of the household and his own world.

It's finding each child's balance and which parts of electronics help and which ones hamper. At 14, my DS1 wasn't ready for free access either - it was him that asked me to remove the phone browser at 13 because he felt it was too much. Other 14 year olds will be different.

...and as someone who grew up Evangelical, but had free internet access from an early age, I find it funny to assume it's Jesus Freaks that are harder on this. Most I know who are harder are like me, having grown up with free access to early internet and well aware that my parents giving up on control of it was more for their benefit than ours.

[quote Flowers500]@fairycakes1234 you literally just said it’s to get him off WhatsApp. That is a messaging service. You don’t like him texting his friends. I think that’s deeply unreasonable, especially after a year that has harmed social lives.

Also you’re not ok with him being on WhatsApp but gaming is fine?! Surely if you had a line it would be the social side of stuff (like texting) is fine but limit gaming and mindless scroll.[/quote]
Flowers500 you are dead right, , i "literally" did say its to get him off Whatsapp and i stand over that, he is on whatsapp all the time, if hes out hes wondering who sent him a message on whatsapp, if he misses a conversation as in 3 or 4 people had a conversation while he was out he gets annoyed, he literally can not put the phone down, and personally I dont think that is healthy. He is not gaming all the time, he plays a few times during the day but can take or leave it. Anyway im not going to engage with you anymore because it like you are trying to pick me up on things instead of giving advice, we all know our own children and I have got such great advice here so will take it on board, its nice to know im not alone in being worried, so up to me to do something about it, so thanks to everyone who replied.

@Iggi999

He could get a spare smartphone from a friend (or buy one for £15), link it up to the wifi and you'd never know how often he was on it.

i live in the house with him, its not a big house, so believe me I'd know but thanks :)

Really? We used to read under the bed covers but a phone is more appealing and easier to hide! Teenagers can be sneaky, ''twas always so.

@Flowers500

If you’re restricting his phone to just a short hour slot in the morning and evening then you have to be honest about what you’re actually doing.

You’re cutting off his friends and social life, you’re ensuring he misses invites and eventually stops being invited. You’re meaning he won’t be on group chats in the future, he won’t know what his peers are interested in or be on the same page when they meet.

It’s absolutely right to limit social media and gaming use. But communication via phone is now essential to maintaining friendships.

Most kids are also quite interested in the world around them, engaging with news and culture and politics. Nowadays you don’t buy newspapers or watch the news, you read about it online. So you’re also cutting him out of that.

If you’re trying to force him to like spending time with you, you’re going the totally wrong way about it. I would absolutely have hated my parents if they turned me into a social pariah, with just me and the Jesus freaks not being allowed to have friends. It’s just mean, misguided and reflecting a day when friends would knock on your door. They’re doing the virtual version of that but you’ve turned off the doorbell because “ew phones.”

Jesus freaks? What a nasty piece of work you are....

TBF if someone took my phone off me and limited me to one hour morning and night I'd be having a crying, stroppy tantrum and I'm nearly 39.

Normal, sounds like he has entered the teenage tunnel and his hormones are also at play! He will emerge and change at some point!

PerciphonePuma
“. It’s just mean, misguided and reflecting a day when friends would knock on your door. They’re doing the virtual version of that but you’ve turned off the doorbell because “ew phones.”

OP wants her son to have a real life not a virtual one. Good idea. No need to be a lemming.

This sounds like totally normal teenager behaviour. The fact it is common doesn't mean it is healthy. I'd be really worried if my children were like this, mine were and are nowhere near this bothered.

School completely bans mobile phones and teachers say kids' behaviour changes - Wales Online

www.walesonline.co.uk/news/education/mobile-phone-ban-school-llandudno-16945279
www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.walesonline.co.uk/news/education/mobile-phone-ban-school-llandudno-16945279.amp

I found this just now. I think there will be many more examples of the positive effects of children interacting with each other, life and ideas without always having a smart phone intermediary.

When I was a teenager many moons ago the last thing I wanted was to spend time with my parents!! Ok we did not have mobile phones, but did have a house phone and many hours were spent talking to friends who we had just left

Fast forward to my daughters teen years which were similar to my early teens; she was constantly on the house phone, but later on the mobiles had arrived and she was the same as your son.

My son ten years later was constantly on his phone, it was a lifeline to his friends.

My advice, don’t alienate him, his friends are everything to him now. Understand him in these years and eventually you will end up with a young adult who you can laugh with about these early times.