To be worried sick about my 14 year old and his phone.

[fairycakes1234]

My 14 year old son started secondary school last year. We got him a phone when he was 12 but he never used it apart from making the odd phone call now and again and he was more interested in doing things with his dad, walking the dog, fishing, playing cards. Anyway, he started the new school and has a new set of friends and now hes like a different person, i know it could be his age as well, but he is literally obsessed with his phone, cant leave it out of his hand, if we ask for it, there is huge rows. When we take it off him he sulks, he cries, he shouts, he doesnt want to do anything or interact with the family. We had a huge row last night and i took it off him and hes not getting it back today but hes literally down here now almost crying telling me his friends will be on and hes missing out. I actually think hes addicted to it, and Im really sad that we let it get to this stage. We have decided to limit his use to hour in the morning, and hour at night. Can anyone tell me if you are experiencing this and how do you handle it. Thanks, im so sad about this. He really was such a happy kid and loved being wiht us and now hes sulky, and cheeky if we dont give him the phone. By the way he goes out with his friends, he plays hurling and football so its not like he has nothing to do but it seems like hes doing all this and is happy when hes doing all this but then when activites are over its straight back to the phone. I have an older daughter and she wasnt like this when she was 14 but then i know times are different now. Thanks for reading

Everyone with a phone probably uses it too much, I include myself in that.

You've only got to look up from your phone for a minute to see how bad it is.

Not at the dinner table, I wouldn't allow that but my DS has never really expected to do that.

I have to say I disagree. Phone use has been known to restrict neurological development.

www.cpr.org/2019/10/31/what-phone-do-to-teen-brains-and-what-teens-wanted-to-know-about-that/

This talks about addictions to phones

www.parent.com/blogs/conversations/smartphone-addiction-affecting-teens-brains-not-good

It has an actual name.

It’s called NOMOPHOBIA

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6510111/

Why are you taking his phone off him? Is it a punishment or do you just not think he should have it? If the latter then you are being very unreasonable, most teenagers use phones and he will be missing out if you don't let him have it, I'm not surprised he's upset. How would you feel if your phone was taken off you and you could only have it for two hours a day?

I'm an adult and I rarely go an hour without checking my phone. I imagine as a teenager who wants to stay in touch with friends it's even worse. If you're taking it away as punishment for not doing things he's responsible for, fair enough. If you're taking it away because you'd rather he spent more time with you and DH, that's not very fair.

@PostmanPatandhiscat

Yep I have a 14 year old and she’s on facetime or social media for the majority of the time she’s awake . Taking selfie’s for Instagram or Snapchat too but then I’m the same . I’m addicted to my phone and I feel like I have lost my right arm if my battery goes flat !

Why would you let your child reach this stage of obsession?

Of course his behaviour isn’t normal!

Why is he with you instead of at school right now?

Is he more sulky and annoyed with you, or more panicky and angry? The latter would ring alarm bells for me re. county lines.

Ive a 14 year old. Nearly 15. No phone at meal times. Charges downstairs every night. I would be nipping the attitude in the bud. Is he still going to hurling?

He sounds like every other teenager in the world. Give the poor lad back his phone.

Sounds normal. The more you elevate the phone's status to some magical item the more he will want it. It's how teenagers engage with the world these days - like it or not.

I agree with PP about setting some limits, but an hour morning and evening is extremely strict in my experience of my DS and his friends.

Why not get a parental control app (I use the Google Family Link one because we're all on android phones) and set automatic switch off times to help him focus on things like homework, meal times, getting ready in the morning and bedtime. Other than that I would chill out a bit. Also you can use it to set age and spending limits on what he can access/download.

Well I think you’re right to be upset and concerned. It really doesn’t have to be ‘normal’. Spending every second of your time on your phone with that level of desperation isn’t healthy. I know plenty of teens, plenty who definitely don’t do this! I mean obviously they see their friends and have fun doing typical naughty teen stuff but the phone goes largely untouched of an evening..more interested in their sports, watching tv, hanging out with siblings, chatting etc. My children school (v traditional) actually doesn’t allow phones and I’m so relieved. The girls are a lot less focused on them as a result.
I don’t what the answer is for you though, other than encourage a quick catch up message to his mates at the end of the day and distract him with other stuff. Oh - and get him to actually meet up with his friends, not just message them constantly.

People on mumsnet never want to restrict phone use for teens. I think probably because they don’t want to question what they’re allowing their kids to do. You’re saying he’s literally addicted and it’s impacting his quality of life. Of course you should restrict it!

I think you are doing the right thing by limiting it. Normal behaviour doesn't mean it is healthy behaviour. Study after study is showing that this kind of addiction is really, really damaging to young people's health, wellbeing and future prospects.

@Tippexy

Of course his behaviour isn’t normal!

Why is he with you instead of at school right now?

eh cause we live in Ireland and hes on his school holidays :)

I had an app on my phone that would only let me use facebook and solitaire (or insert addictive app of choice) to so many openings per day, then it blocked it. Would that be an option? When DD was a teenager, then DH used to remove all devices overnight so she got some sleep. Otherwise normal teenage (and yes me as an adult) behaviour.

He is not an adult and his phone is directly impacting his behaviour.
Yes you are right to restrict it when it is having a negative affect on him. But maybe when things are calmer, it would be worth having a chat about expectations.

It does sound like normal (annoyingly) behaviour.

We have the screen time on the iPhone & restrict the use of the phone - with agreement and flexibility. I’m not a fan of tik tok so she only gets 15 min a day!

She is only 12 but we getting into the routine now that it goes off at 8:30 completely- we will increase as she gets older. But the screen time switches it off automatically so I don’t have the drama of taking phone off etc ! She used to it so I’m hoping to continue that behaviour as she gets older.

She also has to earn the use of the phone - ie homework first then phone dishwasher dinner etc

WEll if he's on school holidays, he isn't even seeing his mates at school - of course there is going to be a lot of interaction on social media. He is worried that activities will be arranged and he won't know anything about them and he will miss out. At 14 it's natural to want to spend time with his peers rather than his family. Does he live close to friends?

Yeah I’m with the majority here - his response is panic at not being able to remain part of an ongoing virtual conversation with his peers - he is missing out

Does he already have developmental delays? Starting high school at 13 is quite late is it not?

Is he homeschooled now? You say he started high school last year, yet he's home at 10am on a Monday? Or are you not in the UK?

I'd he's homeschooled, or off isolating for e.g. then of course he needs his phone to keep in contact with his peers.

It's normal for teenagers to distance from family activities.

I don't think the level of usage you're describing is okay, it's actually pretty harmful. Even if it's "normal", that doesn't make it right and I think you're right to be concerned.

Phones are known to be addictive and I know I use mine more than I should and am actively trying to cut down. So I understand it's hard to change. Googling phone addiction gives you an idea of the symptoms and effects of addiction - maybe you could encourage your son to look into that and think about it? Perhaps you also need to practice what you preach (no idea whether or not you do, but hardly fair to criticise your son's habits if you are pretty similar).

His moods and anger are symptoms of addiction which will fade in time - although they might get worse before they get better. In the long run, he'll thank you for it.

Crying for his phone?

That doesn't sound normal to me!

Does he have lots of friends who are constantly messaging/putting stuff up that he gets alerted to?

I often have my phone nearby so that I will hear if there's a message, but I'm not glued to it constantly looking at other stuff as well.

eh cause we live in Ireland and hes on his school holidays

Already? I thought they all started July 1st in Ireland this year?

My god it'll be an extremely long summer. Give him his phone!