It ruins my fucking life. I have really awful cystic acne. Everybody thinks it's just a cosmetic issue, that aspect is absolutely awful and debilitating in itself. People in public are disgusted by my face. I get bullied. People think I'm disgusting and dirty and assume that I don't wash. I've spent so much money trying different products, I've tried everything. I probably wash my face more thoroughly than most people do. That is agony though, anything with antibacterial properties causes severe stinging. I am trying to get a job in retail and am not getting any offers, and I get why. I look fucking disgusting so why would anybody employ me in customer service? Kids stare at me. I've never had any public comments but constantly imagine them saying "Mummy, what was wrong with that lady's face?" and I hate it.
But the pain, oh my god the pain is horrendous. It's on my back and face. I lay in bed crying sometimes because when I'm on my back I'm constantly putting pressure on the cysts, I wake up and my pyjama top is marked with blood and pus. My face bleeds all day. When I take my face mask off, it's covered in blood and pus. I have considered trying to get the exemption lanyard because masks rub on the acne causing open sores and make it much worse. When I worked in an office it was constant "Your face is bleeding" from colleagues. I'd be sat at my desk dabbing my face with tissue to stop the bleeding. I get it on my lips and round my mouth. The lip ones are so, so painful. My bottom lip will swell up, it looks awful and is agony. Eating hurts, drinking hurts, talking hurts. Right now I've got an awful one on the side of my mouth and if I open my mouth too much when talking then the scab opens and it bleeds into my mouth, it keeps happening and I've had it for 2 weeks because it won't heal. I also get ones on my cheek etc that have the scab break when I talk. I get it on my earlobe and sometimes inside my ear, when it's on my earlobe sleeping on my side is incredibly uncomfortable. I get horrible styes that go inside my eyelid and quite far up the eye, which are horrendous because I can feel it all the time. I get them around my nostrils, they absolutely kill. When I get them on my eyes, nose and mouth I'm always terrified the infection will get to my brain because those particular areas are closely connected to the brain.
Sometimes, my face is simply so overrun with cysts everywhere that it hurts to use any facial muscles at all. Sometimes I just want to kill myself. Whenever I try to vent to family and friends though, nobody gives a shit. "We all have cosmetic insecurities" they all say. They need to try living as I do because it's unbearable. My aunt has a common chronic illness and once used it in a conversation with me to argue that I should be grateful that my acne is all I have to worry about. Other people think it as well, "Oh the poor love has acne, boo fucking hoo.". I'm not claiming I have it worse than those who can't walk etc, obviously I'm lucky I have full mobility. But this still ruins my life, I can't help it and I'd give anything to stop it.
Even articles about it make me feel even shitter. It's all about how some celebrity had it and suddenly had the confidence to post pictures of it without filters. I saw a vile Daily Mail article stating how brave a celeb was for showing off her "horrific" acne. These articles just go on about it as a cosmetic thing, nobody seems to consider how utterly painful it can be.