I don't want drugs at my wedding

[Bridezillamaybe]

I'm getting married next year. It's been an utterly rubbish year for many many reasons and I am really looking forward to it, having people together and celebrating the future.

We are having 100 guests, approx 70 of which are mine. Ten of them are very old friends of mine, good friends that I've known as part of a larger group for twenty years. We all used to party a lot with drugs (E, amphetamines). I stopped and personally despise drugs but each to their own. They all take coke, not regularly but when there is a big gathering or occasion. The last three weddings we have been at as a group, the hen parties, the big birthdays have seen everyone spending the night doing come and me finding it all quite boring. Generally I make my own fun with whoever else is there and head off to bed when I feel like it. I haven't enjoyed the druggie weddings, nobody dances, everyone just sits shouting self obsessed drivel at each other.

The friendships are real, the meetings are not always dominated by drugs and I've plenty of other friends. No matter how much I say "I don't take drugs" they always seem to forget and keep offering. Occasionally someone takes a swipe about how i used to be fun but generally they don't pay any attention.

So this brings me to my wedding. They are 10% of the guestlist and I want them there. I was talking to a friend about the venue and she said totally serious that there would need to be a private spot for getting away and doing lines. I said I hoped that wouldn't be happening and she got very shirty with me.

I'm not sure if it's relevant but the wedding is costing us 20k, we have been saving / planning for ages. My partner would be disgusted by this behaviour. I feel as the hosts, people should respect our wishes. My friend obviously feels I am being very controlling. She says they are adults and they are also out of pocket to come to the wedding and are entitled to spend their free time as they desire.

Yabu - mind your own business and let people enjoy a party anyway they like
Yanbu - it's your wedding day, they should respect your wishes.

I think you need to choose between having that group of friends and having a drug-free wedding. I've been to halal weddings and non-muslims (and some of the muslims) who like to use alcohol on social occasions find ways to have a drink. The same will happen at your wedding if there are guests who are used to using cocaine at those sorts of occasions.

I'm surprised you didn't cut off with them when you transformed your life. I've been there and I cut off that part. I'd be so embarrassed to have them in my life now. Tbf the majority seem to have done the same as me now (we're all pretty much 40, families etc) Sorry but you either uninvite or your wedding will have an awful vibe/memory to it. 20k should be an amazing wedding. Put your rules down. Want to do coke then you leave. Good luck!

@NanaNorasNaughtyKnickers

I think you need to choose between having that group of friends and having a drug-free wedding. I've been to halal weddings and non-muslims (and some of the muslims) who like to use alcohol on social occasions find ways to have a drink. The same will happen at your wedding if there are guests who are used to using cocaine at those sorts of occasions.

PS Just to add that I'm pretty cool.

YANBU. But I wouldn’t be friends with people who take coke.

Get new friends.

If they have any respect they'll honour your wishes and leave it out for the occasion. If they can't then frankly they are selfish twats.

I've got old 'friends' who still do coke regularly on nights out, dinner parties etc and I find it sad as fuck, you'd never know, they're all successful and mainly living decent lives, they just love snorting shit and talking about themselves until 4am still

@unsure33 I totally agree that the bride doesn't want drugs at her wedding and of course that's her choice to make. Rightly so. I agreed that her friends sounded really entitled asking for a drugs room!
My point about it being really common doesn't mean I think it's OK or "cool" as a previous poster suggested I am pointing out that it goes on a lot more than people realise, and some of the reactions on this post are ridiculous. Eg calling the police to your own wedding !
I totally agree drugs ruin lives, I think it's better to be realistic about the realities of how common usage is in order to do something about it.

But, not wanting to derail the thread anymore. The OP clearly has to have some tough conversations and as posters have pointed out it will probably come down to whether these people care more about drugs than her. What a sad situation

@InnaBun

Or tip off the police and they can raid it

Why would she do that for her own wedding!

Or tip off the police and they can raid it
It's a wedding ffs not an illegal rave.
Be straight with them OP.

This should be a day to remember for all the right reasons. Not a day to look back on seeing your friends snorting coke in the toilets.

They aren't your friends OP. You have grown up and moved on, as you say it was 15 years since you did drugs.

They on the other hand are a bunch of immature junkies who will ruin your big day.
Dump them and uninvite from your wedding.

They are not friends and they are addicts.

I love a glass of wine, but if my friend said she wanted an alcohol free wedding, I wouldn't say another word. She is throwing the party and paying, it's her day and I'm not an alcoholic.

@Grumpycatsmum

I was going to suggest what *@Thisisus909* said. But go further and say one of DH's closest friends is CID drug squad. nothing may happen at the wedding but it's quite possible they will get a knock on the door of their hotel/house later.b

Yes, I was thinking along similar lines, alluding to your fiance's cousin whose in the police or suchlike.

Hope you can get it sorted, and that some of your old friends will be able to respect your wishes and come sensibly, and uninvite those who are put out by the suggestion that they respect a societal norm!

@Bridezillamaybe

I have children. My fiance has children and this group mainly (not the friend who I spoke to) do too. I am an older bride. The weddings have died down.

I think the posters who said I have only spoken to one friend are right. I am going to tackle another two or three, simply say "you know how I feel about drugs. Fiance is the same. Can you please make sure the others understand my stance on this." Hopefully that will be the end of it and if anyone announces displeasure I will calmly say it's our wedding day and it's unfortunate they won't be attending.

This is all you can do. I would talk to all of them individually - they need to hear it from you and why it matters to you. You can only hope they will respect your request, or at least some of them - and any that don’t will be very subtle about it. Obviously do not engage with any more conversations with the original friend who asked for the room (s/he sounds like a tosser on all sorts of levels).

After that just forgot about it and enjoy the night. Some of the reactions on this thread are being made by some spectacularly naive people. The drug industry ruins lives, but that doesn’t alter the fact that lots of people use drugs, even at weddings..

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius

“Dear friends,

I want my wedding to be a drug-free occasion. If you are willing to respect this, I would love to see you there. But if you want to take drugs, please do not attend, as I would hate to have to ask anyone to leave.

Love,
@Bridezillamaybe.”

If you send this, it will weed out the people who are real friends from those who would just see your wedding as another opportunity to get wasted.

@Bridezillamaybe I don't think you could possibly get better advice than what @SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius has just given you.

It's a waste of time speaking to "the others" because you've already said the group have been coked up at the last 3 weddings, so there's no reason to suppose they won't at yours. Anyway, the "get us a room" guest has likely group messaged them already to warn about "what a pain in the arse you're being", so the laughing behind your back's probably already started

For pity's sake just uninvite them, unless you want soon to be DH, his family and his friends to question what the hell he's married into right from the start

The junkie comments aren’t helpful. It’s this sort of attitude that will make the OP feel she’s being over the top (she’s not).

If they object to being out of pocket by attending your wedding and think that it will only be fun if they do drugs, then they are being massively disrespectful. You're not all off to a music festival. This is your event. And not just any event. It is your wedding! So I would lay down the law and make clear to all of them that if they are unable to attend without doing drugs, then you are providing them with the option of declining. Make clear that the venue has been very clear on the issue and that there may also be children around as it is a family event. If you can't trust any of them to respect your decision, then, rather than stress about it, invite them. I would probably invite the friend who mentioned being out of pocket as she is clearly no friend.

Uninvite, not invite.

Really really tricky situation and a lot of judging going on in the thread. As others have said, if they really want to do drugs they will, whatever they say to you or you to them.

I'd try to communicate with all members of this group, whether collectively or individually. Remind them that they know what you think of drugs and that you would vastly prefer them not to be consumed at your wedding, and ask that if they can't do without them they be discreet and careful about using them.

That gives them the chance to bow out if they feel you're, err, making their drugs insufficiently welcome. But if they do come, there is always a risk that they'll find a way to ruin the wedding for you while, or in the process of getting, high.

Friendships are funny things and recreational drug use does happen, so I'm not sure why some posters here are so keen to judge your drug-taking friends or the fact that you're still friends with them. But if you want to minimize chances of fuckups on the day, you may have to uninvite.

So this brings me to my wedding. They are 10% of the guestlist and I want them there. I was talking to a friend about the venue and she said totally serious that there would need to be a private spot for getting away and doing lines. I said I hoped that wouldn't be happening and she got very shirty with me.

No fucking chance, big fat no - I just wouldn't be inviting them, friends or not.
You've said you don't want drugs there, she "got shirty' with you - I wouldn't be relying on them to take your wishes into consideration at all, sounds like some of them would still do it.
Not worth the risk, bin them off the invitation list.

OP you mention your DP isint happy about them coming ...
What's more important to you having friends you cant trust at your wedding or your DP.
If you invite them I wouldn't blame him if he rethinks getting married .
Just uninvite .

They might say all the right things, promise not to and then turn up and take coke anyway.

Addicts make promises they don’t keep sometimes.

Why would you want these losers at your wedding?

She got very shorty with you? About YOUR wedding? I’d have uninvited her on the spot. You need to invite them all OP. Who on earth would want a load of coke-heads acting like twats at their wedding?

*uninvite not invite!

@Hugoslavia

Uninvite, not invite.

Ha, snap!