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AIBU?

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Original poster

I don't want drugs at my wedding

469 replies

Bridezillamaybe · 13/06/2021 19:48

I'm getting married next year. It's been an utterly rubbish year for many many reasons and I am really looking forward to it, having people together and celebrating the future.

We are having 100 guests, approx 70 of which are mine. Ten of them are very old friends of mine, good friends that I've known as part of a larger group for twenty years. We all used to party a lot with drugs (E, amphetamines). I stopped and personally despise drugs but each to their own. They all take coke, not regularly but when there is a big gathering or occasion. The last three weddings we have been at as a group, the hen parties, the big birthdays have seen everyone spending the night doing come and me finding it all quite boring. Generally I make my own fun with whoever else is there and head off to bed when I feel like it. I haven't enjoyed the druggie weddings, nobody dances, everyone just sits shouting self obsessed drivel at each other.

The friendships are real, the meetings are not always dominated by drugs and I've plenty of other friends. No matter how much I say "I don't take drugs" they always seem to forget and keep offering. Occasionally someone takes a swipe about how i used to be fun but generally they don't pay any attention.

So this brings me to my wedding. They are 10% of the guestlist and I want them there. I was talking to a friend about the venue and she said totally serious that there would need to be a private spot for getting away and doing lines. I said I hoped that wouldn't be happening and she got very shirty with me.

I'm not sure if it's relevant but the wedding is costing us 20k, we have been saving / planning for ages. My partner would be disgusted by this behaviour. I feel as the hosts, people should respect our wishes. My friend obviously feels I am being very controlling. She says they are adults and they are also out of pocket to come to the wedding and are entitled to spend their free time as they desire.

Yabu - mind your own business and let people enjoy a party anyway they like
Yanbu - it's your wedding day, they should respect your wishes.

OP posts:
lakesummer · 13/06/2021 23:44

Just tell them that with Covid and finances causing changes you are going to take away their invites.

I like to have a drink at a wedding but I didn't take alcohol to the Muslim wedding I was invited to.

If they really can't attend a wedding without drugs and it isn't what you want just don't have them there.

junipertree2 · 13/06/2021 23:56

Find it interesting that your friend expressed anger.

Are you sure they are all recreational users?

An ex partner of mine was a flat-out stoner (God I am so glad he is no longer in my life, even more so when I read this thread) and he used to react with a really petulant entitlement when he was denied it.

He didn't even like foreign holidays because he couldn't bring it. Although he did, on one occasion - up his arse in clingfilm.

People might turn a blind eye to a couple of guests smoking joints in the grounds, but cocaine is a Class A drug. There is also the possibility that your guests might be busted and police brought in. What if the hotel/venue staff caught them with cocaine?

Peach01 · 14/06/2021 00:02

I've been to weddings where people have been doing this and it's a blatant disrespect. Not only have they turned into sweaty weirdos with space raider eyes but there have been children & elderly family members there. I wouldn't want my wedding being tarnished with that.

xxxemzyxxx · 14/06/2021 00:10

It is absolutely your Business! I used to work in a wedding venue as a wedding coordinator and we actually had a clause in the contract with clients that they are responsible for their guests behaviour and any drug use was not tolerated and could potential get the whole party shut down.
I would imagine many venues have a similar clause. We did catch some guests doing drugs at a wedding once, the groom dealt with it and told them to get out so problem solved (bride was mortified when she found out after the situation was dealt with), but you do not want to have to deal with this situation after spending so much money.

As you have said it might be worth talking to the other friends about it, but I would make it absolutely clear that drug use will not be tolerated at your wedding or they are univited/will be kicked out. Don't let a few people ruin it for everyone, especially You! Real friends will adhere to your wishes.

NiceGerbil · 14/06/2021 00:19

OP you can't tell them what to do. They're adults.

I've witnessed loads of erm. Iffy behaviour at weddings.

People getting way too pissed way too early and everything that comes with that.

At least the cokeheads won't decide to insult the bride/ groom/ other guests. Fall on the floor and scare the children. Vomit in an unsubtle way. Etc etc...

Invite them or don't.

Like I said earlier. Saying please can you lay off until the evening kicks off would be ok imo.

tectonicplates · 14/06/2021 00:39

I'm really sorry OP, but you can't trust these people. If you ask them to come along but not do drugs, they are clearly going to do drugs anyway. I know it's not a nice thing that's happening to you, but I think you need to accept that these people aren't your real friends as you seem to think they are.

Do you really want your wedding day being ruined by this stuff? Uninvited them. The whole group. However much they claim they'll be on their best behaviour, I can almost guarantee they will cause trouble on the day.

OhWhyNot · 14/06/2021 00:47

A few of my friends have requested this. They wrote a personal note along the lines it’s a family occasion please I want to keep this low key and it worked as far as I am aware

Worth trying

Castlepeak · 14/06/2021 00:48

I was an observer to a similar group because my Xh is as a member. Every single person who wanted to stop using eventually cut off the group. It just doesn’t work.

Tavelo · 14/06/2021 01:05

Frankly I find it sad that people need such things so badly. Like I know drug taking happens, I've tried some myself although not coke specifically. But imagine not being able to simply attend a party and have a nice time without being anxious about where you can scuttle off to to snort a bit of crap. Just pathetic Who wants to be worrying about that on top of the general stresses of a wedding.

museumsandgalleries666 · 14/06/2021 01:20

The druggie 'friends' comment about being out of pocket to attend your wedding was chilling. I'd uninvite them all for that comment alone, but then demanding a room for private drug use is astounding.

Has your husband-to-be ever met these people?

IJoinedJustForThisThread · 14/06/2021 01:44

How do all these people (OP’s guests and people that PPs know) afford all these drugs if it’s so widespread?

I’ve clearly led a very sheltered life.

IJoinedJustForThisThread · 14/06/2021 01:45

@NiceGerbil

You could say please leave it off until the evening starts. That would be ok I think.
Personally I’d say “please leave it off altogether”
NiceGerbil · 14/06/2021 01:47

Well they won't will they.

So the OP can have those friends there and know what they're like, or not have them.

That's the bottom line.

IAmDaveTheSerialShagger · 14/06/2021 02:09

Imagine the Police raiding your wedding? Illegal drugs, your friends are dicks, invite them to the ceremony only.

tolerable · 14/06/2021 02:17

chances are...non coke fiends will pay little or no attention to where they are,what they do. you cleary will. gota decide if you think you'll miss themid uninvite ,faults n all.or are done with them.

fallfallfall · 14/06/2021 02:32

excellent plan OP

Graphista · 14/06/2021 02:40

How often and how recently have you actually spent time with these people? Aside from weddings/occasions when people who used to be friends tend to meet up?

There's a difference between "been friends for 25 years" and "we're friends 25 years ago" you know

Personally I have nothing to do with anyone who takes any street drugs by choice. I have one side of family full of addicts and I can't avoid them totally. But generally it's not something I allow in my life

I wouldn't have invited them in the first place cos we wouldn't be friends

At the very least you need to be much firmer than you're planning to be with this crowd.

Why are you still friends with them? Honestly ?

TriteMale · 14/06/2021 05:12

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Pinkypink · 14/06/2021 05:18

Tell them a close relative of your dh is v senior police in narcotics dept
And obv don't invite them. Will you want them behaving like this around your kids?

garlictwist · 14/06/2021 05:29

My friend is really into coke. His wife is not and he hides it from her. At their wedding he was in the loo with lots of the guests snorting coke for ages. I am not necessarily anti drugs - each to their own and in the right place at the right time - but it made me a bit sad that he was doing this on what is meant to be the happiest day of his life.

Palavah · 14/06/2021 05:33

@cornflakegirl

Message them all and tell them it's a deal breaker. That you would love them to come, but if they are not happy to leave the drugs at home, please stay away.
This
Palavah · 14/06/2021 05:37

Or, just uninvite them now. Your 'friend' wss a total CF to get arsey with you about YOUR wedding.

If the cost of going to the wedding is leaving them so hard up surely they won't want the expense of buying coke too.

Blowingagale · 14/06/2021 05:56

Is it really worth the risk? Yes you might lose out financially with unoccupied seats at the wedding. Your alternative is missing out all of the wedding if they are caught and venue end the event.
They presumably know that venues have the rules and have ignored them before.
Uninvite them and explain to the others that you know that X is planning on using and you just can’t take the risk. That might end the friendships but if so do you want them?

Sadiecow · 14/06/2021 06:36

Do not invite these people, you'll be on edge all
day!

I'm not sure why you're friends with them, they call you boring and don't respect your wishes.

DeathStare · 14/06/2021 06:43

OP you really need to talk to your future DH about this and handle it together. The fact that you're trying to deal with it without him isn't a great start to a marriage.

I've experienced drugs at a wedding twice. Neither ended well. The best was that everyone else left ridiculously early and the bride and groom were literally left with the two of them and 20 drugged up friends from about 9pm onwards - even their parents had left. The worst there was a fight (after the drugs were discovered and people asked to leave by the venue), police were called and the venue shut the wedding down. I believe the venue also later sent the bride and groom a bill for damages.

You can try talking to them if you want but I suspect they will just ignore you. Even if they don't ignore you, you (and your DH assuming you tell him) will spend the whole day on edge worried that they are going to ignore you.

You say these are good friends, but good friends wouldn't need telling not to take drugs at your wedding.