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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I don't want drugs at my wedding

469 replies

Bridezillamaybe · 13/06/2021 19:48

I'm getting married next year. It's been an utterly rubbish year for many many reasons and I am really looking forward to it, having people together and celebrating the future.

We are having 100 guests, approx 70 of which are mine. Ten of them are very old friends of mine, good friends that I've known as part of a larger group for twenty years. We all used to party a lot with drugs (E, amphetamines). I stopped and personally despise drugs but each to their own. They all take coke, not regularly but when there is a big gathering or occasion. The last three weddings we have been at as a group, the hen parties, the big birthdays have seen everyone spending the night doing come and me finding it all quite boring. Generally I make my own fun with whoever else is there and head off to bed when I feel like it. I haven't enjoyed the druggie weddings, nobody dances, everyone just sits shouting self obsessed drivel at each other.

The friendships are real, the meetings are not always dominated by drugs and I've plenty of other friends. No matter how much I say "I don't take drugs" they always seem to forget and keep offering. Occasionally someone takes a swipe about how i used to be fun but generally they don't pay any attention.

So this brings me to my wedding. They are 10% of the guestlist and I want them there. I was talking to a friend about the venue and she said totally serious that there would need to be a private spot for getting away and doing lines. I said I hoped that wouldn't be happening and she got very shirty with me.

I'm not sure if it's relevant but the wedding is costing us 20k, we have been saving / planning for ages. My partner would be disgusted by this behaviour. I feel as the hosts, people should respect our wishes. My friend obviously feels I am being very controlling. She says they are adults and they are also out of pocket to come to the wedding and are entitled to spend their free time as they desire.

Yabu - mind your own business and let people enjoy a party anyway they like
Yanbu - it's your wedding day, they should respect your wishes.

OP posts:

lovelychops · 13/06/2021 22:08

Can't believe the P P who said they'd call the police to their wedding if they caught someone taking coke! Jeez I think that would cause more of a scene than people sloping off to the toilet in pairs🙄
I'm not sure how you'd uninvite them without a massive drama and ultimately losing the friendship but it may be worth asking them to consider your wishes and how much stress it's causing you

Tbh I think they are going to take drugs if they attend and your friend is a CF expecting a drugs room to be provided!!!

I do think the MN pearl clutching is hysterical and the majority of people are totally unaware how much goes on under their noses.

EmeraldShamrock · 13/06/2021 22:10

It's always very obvious whose snorting at a special occasion rubbing their nose, saucers for eyes, nipping outside every few minutes. I wouldn't like it at my wedding either.

Cheesypea · 13/06/2021 22:12

This group of people will behave in the same way they did before. You've already got more than twice the guests that your husband has. Uniniite them- any fall out now wont be as bad as screwing up your wedding reception.

Mogloveseggs · 13/06/2021 22:13

I was assaulted by a wedding guest who was pissed and high when working at a wedding. I wouldn't think twice to say don't come if you can't cope without it for one day.

frankenpoodle · 13/06/2021 22:14

You can contact them, tell them what you're asking (no drugs at the wedding), and go from there. Honestly, I'd be surprised if they all respect your wishes. Someone is likely to bring drugs, anyway, and you can't very well stop them, unfortunately. You could threaten to end the friendships if you discover they're using at the wedding, but will that even work? You don't want to be on drug patrol at your own wedding!

The hard truth is that they aren't good friends if they don't respect your wishes. It's probably time to end some of these friendships.

RampantIvy · 13/06/2021 22:17

I do think the MN pearl clutching is hysterical and the majority of people are totally unaware how much goes on under their noses

Clearly we aren't as "cool" as you are . I am a fully paid up pearl clutcher when it comes to illegal drugs, and so are my friends and family. Judge all you like, but I am happy with my stance on drugs.

Ireallydontknowimtired · 13/06/2021 22:19

Something going on under your nose isn't the same as being aware of something. For all we know, our neighbours could be serial murderers and it's going on right under our noses. So I'm not sure why people use this as some sort of argument against people who don't support illegal drug habits. If you know about it, you do something about it if you can.

Thisisus909 · 13/06/2021 22:19

Lie and say you are inviting family friends who are police and you would hate to have them all get into trouble or put the police officers in a difficult position (no idea if this would really happen, but might be off putting!)

MichelleScarn · 13/06/2021 22:20

@RampantIvy

I do think the MN pearl clutching is hysterical and the majority of people are totally unaware how much goes on under their noses

Agree with ivy oh and as pp has said, most people who aren't the ones off their faces can quite easily see those who are and 'what's going on under their noses'

ChubbyLittleManInACampervan · 13/06/2021 22:23

I am sorry but I think you made a mistake by inviting them.

You know what they are like and how they’ll behave.

You have changed, they have not.

Ultimately you cannot control other people’s behaviour. It’s the key to much unhappiness, imo. But you simply cannot control their behaviour. You can apply pressure, discuss it, cajole them, whatever (and get stressed out about it all)

But you cannot control their behaviour. If their default is coke, they’ll do coke (“haha shhhh don’t tell the bride, she’s such a control freak” etc etc)

Better to know this. Personally, in your shoes, I’d cut ties with such friends. I lost friends when I had to give up drink, as I became “boring” but my real friends stuck with me, and I made new friends.

Gosh I do feel for you, especially with coke, as coke just turns people into belligerent arseholes

Hope you can figure out a way to accept it as the price to pay (for their friendship) or maybe finally ditch the losers

aibubaby · 13/06/2021 22:23

@EmeraldShamrock

It's always very obvious whose snorting at a special occasion rubbing their nose, saucers for eyes, nipping outside every few minutes. I wouldn't like it at my wedding either.

Always tickles me a bit, this - I've worked in financial services amongst some absolute coke fiends for years and this whole 'rubbing their noses constantly' thing is just bollocks.

OP, I'd do what a PP said - basically say you don't want people getting on it at your wedding, if they'd rather miss the event cos they can't take drugs then that's up to them. It'd be a bit shit if they did and I think that'd let you know where they saw themselves in your life (or where they are at drug-use-wise).

Realistically, they're just going to be chunnering at each other - they're unlikely to be slurry vomiting messes like an overly drunk person would, if they're 10% of your guest list and all know each other they're going to be chatting shit at each other in a corner and it won't affect your day at all. Amongst lots of other reasons given that you're now clean you're especially not BU to ask them not to... BUT I don't think a small group of people is going to change the vibe too much and other people will be dancing and having a nice time so if you'd rather not have a big discussion with them about it and they end up doing it anyway, I'd assume it won't change things much (apart from you being annoyed, understandably).

Hawkins001 · 13/06/2021 22:26

Omg

aibubaby · 13/06/2021 22:27

Interestingly I never even considered this at my wedding but given who my friends were at the time and their preferences for a big night, there probably were people on coke/MDMA. I guess if I'd thought beforehand I'd have been like "ooh no, not at my wedding" but I genuinely didn't notice, I was too busy trying talking to 103992921 people!

Forstarters · 13/06/2021 22:27

@newnortherner111lol at reporting a friend to the police because they do coke!

But I get your dilemma. I’ve been to one Coke heavy wedding and no-one was having much fun or dancing. Everyone was just squirrelling away to do lines.

Unsure33 · 13/06/2021 22:27

@lovelychops

That is not the point .this is the brides day and she is entitled to say she does not want drugs at her wedding . And if her friends can not respect that then they are no friends .

This may go in all the time but it also ruins relationships and families let alone what happens to people involved in the distribution.

I know someone who has lost his son through this and his grandchildren are in all respects without a father even though he is not dead . He has chosen drugs over 2 lovely children .

So OP if they don’t respect you then dump them .

ArcheryAnnie · 13/06/2021 22:27

Even if it wasn't your wedding, people who offer drugs to other people who have already got clean are behaving pretty shit.

Tell them that you love them, but you can't have people at your wedding taking drugs, so that you are uninviting them. Tell the others what your one friend asked you to do. Invite them to a weekend sometime after, where they can all get high and be boring as all hell without disrupting your wedding.

godmum56 · 13/06/2021 22:29

@Bridezillamaybe

I have children. My fiance has children and this group mainly (not the friend who I spoke to) do too. I am an older bride. The weddings have died down.

I think the posters who said I have only spoken to one friend are right. I am going to tackle another two or three, simply say "you know how I feel about drugs. Fiance is the same. Can you please make sure the others understand my stance on this." Hopefully that will be the end of it and if anyone announces displeasure I will calmly say it's our wedding day and it's unfortunate they won't be attending.

so you won't mind them being around your kids?

AlternativePerspective · 13/06/2021 22:30

If my DP was friends with a load of junkies I would have called off the engagement by now.

SionnachGlic · 13/06/2021 22:32

I know it was a long time ago but does your fiance know that your friendship with this group did involve you using at one time...because one of your friends might bring it up in a conversation about how you used to be such fun (when you were using) but now you are boring. They've said so before to you but is he aware of the friendship history. I presume so but if not...I'd be stressed out if I might be 'outed' so would need to have that chat

I think you do need to have a chat with the others in the group & make sure it is clear you don't want people off their heads on coke at your wedding. If they can't respect that then they aren't such great friends. If they are then still invited, I think on the day itself you will need to turn a blind eye otherwise you'll just be anxious & monitoring them when you should be having the time of your life. Maybe they'd have to sense to slink off to a bedroom (presuming they are staying in hotel), do whatever away from the party & just stay there spouting their drivel away from your other guests. Petsonally I'd ask them not to come if it was just an opportunity to get together & coked up. And if they did come & act in any way disrespectful to you or fiance (or anyone), then that would be it for me, friendship at an end.

Grumpycatsmum · 13/06/2021 22:32

I was going to suggest what @Thisisus909 said. But go further and say one of DH's closest friends is CID drug squad. nothing may happen at the wedding but it's quite possible they will get a knock on the door of their hotel/house later.b

HangingOver · 13/06/2021 22:33

Always tickles me a bit, this - I've worked in financial services amongst some absolute coke fiends for years and this whole 'rubbing their noses constantly' thing is just bollocks

I think people who have never done coke don't spot it unless someone's really messy. DP for example would likely have no idea someone he was chatting to at a party had had a modest line or two. Not everyone gets off their face, just like not everyone gets shitfaced when they drink.

I'm not defending them doing it at your wedding though OP, if you don't want them to - it's hardly a big ask.

HangingOver · 13/06/2021 22:34

If my DP was friends with a load of junkies I would have called off the engagement by now

Lol this thread just reached peaked MN. Why not burn all their houses down for good measure.

Thewiseoneincognito · 13/06/2021 22:37

You need some new friends. This lot sound like a bunch of dirty filthy coke heads, utter scumbags. It’s supposed to be your big day - don’t ruin it by allowing such trashy people attend.

lovelychops · 13/06/2021 22:37

Hangingover completely agree! Peak hysteria.

Chamonixshoopshoop · 13/06/2021 22:38

They can't forego their drugs for one night? YANBU. I feel for you Op.

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