I don't want drugs at my wedding

[Bridezillamaybe]

I'm getting married next year. It's been an utterly rubbish year for many many reasons and I am really looking forward to it, having people together and celebrating the future.

We are having 100 guests, approx 70 of which are mine. Ten of them are very old friends of mine, good friends that I've known as part of a larger group for twenty years. We all used to party a lot with drugs (E, amphetamines). I stopped and personally despise drugs but each to their own. They all take coke, not regularly but when there is a big gathering or occasion. The last three weddings we have been at as a group, the hen parties, the big birthdays have seen everyone spending the night doing come and me finding it all quite boring. Generally I make my own fun with whoever else is there and head off to bed when I feel like it. I haven't enjoyed the druggie weddings, nobody dances, everyone just sits shouting self obsessed drivel at each other.

The friendships are real, the meetings are not always dominated by drugs and I've plenty of other friends. No matter how much I say "I don't take drugs" they always seem to forget and keep offering. Occasionally someone takes a swipe about how i used to be fun but generally they don't pay any attention.

So this brings me to my wedding. They are 10% of the guestlist and I want them there. I was talking to a friend about the venue and she said totally serious that there would need to be a private spot for getting away and doing lines. I said I hoped that wouldn't be happening and she got very shirty with me.

I'm not sure if it's relevant but the wedding is costing us 20k, we have been saving / planning for ages. My partner would be disgusted by this behaviour. I feel as the hosts, people should respect our wishes. My friend obviously feels I am being very controlling. She says they are adults and they are also out of pocket to come to the wedding and are entitled to spend their free time as they desire.

Yabu - mind your own business and let people enjoy a party anyway they like
Yanbu - it's your wedding day, they should respect your wishes.

I wouldn't get too het up about it. Is it really any worse than people getting really pissed and causing a scene?

Yes. Both are bad, but drug use also funds crimes such as human and drug trafficking, sex slavery, forced labour, and is responsible for county line activities and gang violence, exploitation of children and adults all through the chain, all kinds of atrocities in source countries and much more.
Anyone who takes drugs is obviously OK with the above. I choose my friends more carefully.

As a drug taker, albeit former one, you must know what this type of individual is like.

You say you are intent on them attending the wedding.

In that case there will- no matter what your wishes- be drug taking, and I would say with some certainty, dealing as well. There always is, as you will know full well.

So it's up to you.

Why would you want to riun the wedding for not just yourself, but for your other guests because a small minority can't stay on the right side of the law?

Just. don't. invite. them.

@TriteMale

I don't really like coke but do find myself eye rolling a little when people suddenly go all moralistic and start talking about gang violence....whilst probably buying clothes made in sweatshops by children.

It'd piss me off too if people were blatantly using coke, but in reality alcohol is by far the main cause of punch ups and drama at weddings.

Quite. Both are bad. We have to wear clothes, though, and not everybody can afford ethical clothing. Nobody has to take drugs.

I can kind of see both sides of this. Mumsnet is very anti drugs and I understand the ethical concerns here but I feel like the same people who take an ethical stance against them are fine driving petrol guzzlers, buying fast fashion made in sweatshops and watching porn that exploits women.
I often go out with a group of people about 3/4 of them take drugs. I don't.
But I think it's a bit off that it's fine for you to go out partying with drug takers but it's not ok for them to do it at your wedding. If it's a hard line for you then it's a hard line but you seem to be effectively condoning it apart from on one day. I can totally see it from your point of view but from theirs, this is what they do to have fun and celebrate and you have never expressed any displeasure at this before. I dont think you can ask them to come but then tell them what to do. I think it's easier to not invite them

You need to uninvite them or the whole wedding is just going to be ruined for you. Even if they don't end up bringing drugs, you'll spend the whole run up to it worrying that they will and the day itself anticipating the worst. The risk that you might all get thrown out of the venue is too much.

YANBU but you can’t have it both ways, either don’t be friends with idiots like this or accept that they will do drugs at your wedding!

It's up to you to invite them or not but other guests will pick up on it no matter how discreet they think they are. My view of drugs is negative but that is clouded by my job (pharmacist), I come into contact with a lot of drug users and see the effects it has on them, break down of families, the thieving. I know that some people will say that occasional drug use is fine but it is a slippery slope. What would annoy me us that your friend was rude and disrespectful, your wedding should be drug free if that is what you want.

I think YABU. If this is how they show up, then you know this, you continue to keep their company in other scenarios (other people’s weddings) and it’s a simple case of accepting them for who they are and what present state of evolution they are in, in their lives or as a group - or just disinviting them.

Expecting them to be your version of perfect for your wedding is unrealistic. I know groups like this. They will always find somewhere to take drugs together.

Mumsnet is very anti drugs and I understand the ethical concerns here

@DrinkFeckArseBrick It's not just/primarily an ethical concern to me. To me it has a repulsiveness. Like, I wouldn't be friends with someone (with no disabilities or anything) who smeared sh*t on their face, stank of piss, and dried poo and snorted it, while wearing guyliner and 'dreds' and talking shit. But maybe that's just me.

Is it just the one friend who's said this? Do you know how the others feel?

I wouldn't uninvite them all (as others have suggested) based on a conversation with only one of them.

You are perfectly reasonable to tell them it is making you anxious and you do not want them to take drugs at your wedding. The conversation with your friend has confirmed that it is going to happen if you don't speak up.

If they are friends they will respect your wishes. If they say no, Uninvite them

If they do it any what, you are no-worse off and at least they are likely to be more discreet - but you have every right to be fucked off

I would send them all a message just being clear that you know they like to do coke at big events but you really don't want drugs at your wedding. I suspect if they still decide to bring coke they will be far more discreet knowing that you disapprove and have asked them not to.
I wouldn't be uninviting them unless the others kick off at the request.

Just rescind the invite. I wouldn’t want them as friends

They are selfish coke heads

But , they are your selfish coke heads

I don’t think you can do much really

They won’t not have coke
They just won’t , even if you ask really nicely

So it’s decision time

I'd uninvite them -- and hire a bouncer for the event in case they decide to turn up anyway.
Or if you did decide to invite them, say you're having bouncers/security who will carry out searches on arrival at the venue as you definitely won't tolerate any drugs. They'll probably decline the invitation.

I’m thinking kids might walk in on them snorting away - that would really concern me. Yours & your husband’s family & friends might be really offended by this behaviour. The venue staff might clock it & ask you all to leave. Just a few things that would make me think it’s a deal breaker. They also sounds pretty damn rude to me to insist on having their way. It’s a well known fact the bride gets to have things strictly on her terms on her wedding day! 😆 It’s just one day - how hard can that be for them? If you have kids will they ask you to fund a secret white lines room at the Christening too?! I’m being pedantic but seriously! Good luck sorting this - it’s really not too much to ask of your guests.

@DrinkFeckArseBrick what bollocks.

So because there are ethical issues with other areas of life we have no right to say something crosses the line for us?

I don’t buy fast fashion, I try to live ethically as much as I can. Yes I drive. No I don’t watch porn 🙄

But what o won’t do is fund a trade that o know fucks the environment, exploits every person involved in its trade and as someone has said up thread has been up multiple arses.

I’m actually not anti drugs. It needs to be legalised.

Also I walked in on a close relative snorting Coke at a elderly relatives golden wedding anniversary. I was 13. Not cool just sad and pathetic!

The vast majority of the guests are ‘yours’. Your fiancé will be disgusted if drugs are taken at your wedding. Why are you prioritising these people over him?

Cheeky Fuckers telling you that they need a private spot to go and snort their lines.
Tell them to jog on and do one.

I have children. My fiance has children and this group mainly (not the friend who I spoke to) do too. I am an older bride. The weddings have died down.

I think the posters who said I have only spoken to one friend are right. I am going to tackle another two or three, simply say "you know how I feel about drugs. Fiance is the same. Can you please make sure the others understand my stance on this." Hopefully that will be the end of it and if anyone announces displeasure I will calmly say it's our wedding day and it's unfortunate they won't be attending.

If they are really good friends I would have a really honest non-judgemental conversation where you say to them "look, I know you guys like to do this and this is how you have fun and I am not going to judge you for that but please, I really really don't want that happening at my wedding. If you don't think you'll enjoy the night without it then please stay at home and there will be no hard feelings... but i would really really love for you to be there." Along those lines. It's true that they may still do it anyway but if you have a really honest and loving conversation then they would have to be really really shitty friends to go ahead and do it anyway. And if you think they might be really shitty friends then just uninvite them now!