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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't want drugs at my wedding

469 replies

Bridezillamaybe · 13/06/2021 19:48

I'm getting married next year. It's been an utterly rubbish year for many many reasons and I am really looking forward to it, having people together and celebrating the future.

We are having 100 guests, approx 70 of which are mine. Ten of them are very old friends of mine, good friends that I've known as part of a larger group for twenty years. We all used to party a lot with drugs (E, amphetamines). I stopped and personally despise drugs but each to their own. They all take coke, not regularly but when there is a big gathering or occasion. The last three weddings we have been at as a group, the hen parties, the big birthdays have seen everyone spending the night doing come and me finding it all quite boring. Generally I make my own fun with whoever else is there and head off to bed when I feel like it. I haven't enjoyed the druggie weddings, nobody dances, everyone just sits shouting self obsessed drivel at each other.

The friendships are real, the meetings are not always dominated by drugs and I've plenty of other friends. No matter how much I say "I don't take drugs" they always seem to forget and keep offering. Occasionally someone takes a swipe about how i used to be fun but generally they don't pay any attention.

So this brings me to my wedding. They are 10% of the guestlist and I want them there. I was talking to a friend about the venue and she said totally serious that there would need to be a private spot for getting away and doing lines. I said I hoped that wouldn't be happening and she got very shirty with me.

I'm not sure if it's relevant but the wedding is costing us 20k, we have been saving / planning for ages. My partner would be disgusted by this behaviour. I feel as the hosts, people should respect our wishes. My friend obviously feels I am being very controlling. She says they are adults and they are also out of pocket to come to the wedding and are entitled to spend their free time as they desire.

Yabu - mind your own business and let people enjoy a party anyway they like
Yanbu - it's your wedding day, they should respect your wishes.

OP posts:
Macncheeseballs · 14/06/2021 08:09

You should be too happy enjoying yourself to notice, surely?

Original poster
Bridezillamaybe · 14/06/2021 08:11

@Macncheeseballs

You should be too happy enjoying yourself to notice, surely?
I hope so. But I actually want them there, as in there at my party. Otherwise I wouldn't invite them, I'm not making up the numbers.
OP posts:
Macncheeseballs · 14/06/2021 08:11

I've been to weddings where all sorts of drink fuelled crazy behaviour has gone on from fighting to fumbling, should alcohol be banned as well

RampantIvy · 14/06/2021 08:14

I have never seen any bad behaviour at any wedding I have attended, not that I have been to many weddings. We are all quite boring really.

Ireallydontknowimtired · 14/06/2021 08:16

OP why don't you invite other people instead to replace them so you'd still have the same number of guests for your wedding and be sure they'd participate?

I think you've made up your mind though, that you want them there so there's really not much else to say but either uninvite them and be sure of no drugs or invite them, tell them there'll be no drugs at your wedding but risk having it anyway. It's really that simple.

MondayYogurt · 14/06/2021 08:18

@Macncheeseballs

I've been to weddings where all sorts of drink fuelled crazy behaviour has gone on from fighting to fumbling, should alcohol be banned as well
Alcohol isn't illegal tho? Hmm
saraclara · 14/06/2021 08:20

I suspect that only the one person you've spoken to is the problem. I hope I'm right and the others will tell her to get over herself.

MaMelon · 14/06/2021 08:24

I've been to weddings where all sorts of drink fuelled crazy behaviour has gone on from fighting to fumbling

You need to start moving in better social circles.

Original poster
Bridezillamaybe · 14/06/2021 08:25

@saraclara

I suspect that only the one person you've spoken to is the problem. I hope I'm right and the others will tell her to get over herself.
Yes I think you're right. I'm not sure if my AIBU was worded correctly. I was wondering is it unreasonable to not want guests doing drugs there.
OP posts:
Maray1967 · 14/06/2021 08:27

Hopefully the others will make it clear that they respect your views. However, be prepared for them to say they will and then bring the stuff anyway. And also be prepared for someone else at the wedding to report it to the hotel management or police if it’s going on in the loos. They clearly want a private room so they don’t have to do it in the loos. If I was a guest at a wedding and other guests were doing coke in the loos then I would report it - presumably if the hotel management take the view that it’s your guests then they will talk to you about it so it will impact on your day. Your DH and his family might hit the roof - I would have chucked out any of my DH’s guests doing drugs at our wedding.

Original poster
Bridezillamaybe · 14/06/2021 08:31

@Macncheeseballs

I've been to weddings where all sorts of drink fuelled crazy behaviour has gone on from fighting to fumbling, should alcohol be banned as well
So have I. It hasn't really mattered as there have been about 300 guests there and it feels like an event with lots of different groups. My wedding is purposely not huge as I like attending that size wedding, everyone mixes a lot.
OP posts:
KingdomScrolls · 14/06/2021 08:33

WD40 on toilet cisterns/flat surfaces in cubicles and make them aware that a number of DHs family are police officers. Christ I dabbled a little at uni (mainly cannabis) but wouldn't expect it now. If they are adamant then they are no longer welcome

Ireallydontknowimtired · 14/06/2021 08:34

I was wondering is it unreasonable to not want guests doing drugs there.

It's not unreasonable if they're not people who would do drugs at weddings (any wedding) but they are, so it probably is perhaps to expect them not to. Not that they should or they're right to do so.

The reason is you've been there when they did it at other weddings and besides rolling your eyes, there's not much else you do so I doubt in their drug-induced minds, it makes any difference to a friend rolling their eyes at another friend who eats raw onions or something.

If they know you're totally against it (at your wedding), they may accept it or they'll just roll their eyes at you, say okay and still do it. Who knows what they're like except you.

Ireallydontknowimtired · 14/06/2021 08:37

That should say "it's any different...", not 'it makes any difference...'.

Nonmaquillee · 14/06/2021 08:40

They wouldn’t be my friends and I would never have people like this at my special occasion.

Scottishskifun · 14/06/2021 08:43

I think you make it plainly clear that if that's their plan then you rescind the invitation and just incase they get tempted state there will be several police officers also in attendance which are DH friend just incase they say we won't to your face and then still plan it!

Ireallydontknowimtired · 14/06/2021 08:48

@RampantIvy

I have never seen any bad behaviour at any wedding I have attended, not that I have been to many weddings. We are all quite boring really.
Same and I've been to many - perhaps once or twice during the reception, rumour had it something was happening outside the wedding area between some guests.

I've heard stories about some after-wedding parties which I rarely attend anyway.

miltonj · 14/06/2021 08:57

Are there children coming? If so just tell them all together that it's a family event so no coke. If not, tell them the venue have a strict no drugs policy and the staff will kick them out.
If they're openly saying they will do coke regardless of your wishes then just tell them in that case they're not invited and you'll do something else to celebrate separately.

The one who told you she'd do it as she's an adult and you're controlling is ridiculous and vile, she'd be straight off the invite list.

Oneliner · 14/06/2021 09:04

Get the venue to ask them to leave if they don't respect your wishes. It's on them. Sounds like you might have outgrown that circle of friends.

Justmuddlingalong · 14/06/2021 09:12

Did you ever take drugs as a wedding guest, back in the day?

DeathStare · 14/06/2021 09:17

@morgan12

Of course I don't think they'd eat my kids. But I don't think there's anything unusual - or especially judgemental - about not wanting my kids around a load of people taking coke. Hmm

Glittertwins · 14/06/2021 09:19

If they are willing to put taking drugs as a higher priority than the wedding then revoke the invitations.
If the friend had just kept her mouth shut, you'd have been none the wiser.

CookieClub · 14/06/2021 09:20

Personally, I would message/email the friend that made this comment whilst the conversation is still fresh in your mind. Make your stance incredibly clear.

Explain that you've had time to think about the conversation you had and you are taken aback that she thinks your wedding - where there will be relatives and young children - is an appropriate place for a drugs session.
Explain that if she has ANY intention of not respecting your wishes; by taking drugs during your wedding day, that you would appreciate her staying away. Explain she is your friend and you enjoy her company when she is not high, that drugs are in your past and you hope she realises it was entirely selfish of her to suggest a family occasion can be a drug-fuelled party.
Also a little warning that if she disrespects this boundary and causes ANY issue at the wedding, that will be the end of your friendship.

Then the ball is in her court, she can either choose not to attend, or respond accordingly and you can take it from there. Also, make sure hubby-to-be is aware too, so he can support also.

Personally, sounds to me like she has a bigger problem than she's letting on (assuming a wedding is a coke-sesh screams desperate addict to me!) So it might be food for thought for her anyway.

She was clearly 'trying her luck' by commenting that, maybe hoping you'd be on board for a final mad-session before married life ensues...but you absolutely need to put the boundary in place right now.

Good luck!

CookieClub · 14/06/2021 09:23

@RampantIvy

I have never seen any bad behaviour at any wedding I have attended, not that I have been to many weddings. We are all quite boring really.
We are all quite boring really.

Not boring..RESPONSIBLE.

You are responsible, normal, adults. Grin

Crowtooyo · 14/06/2021 09:30

I'd be livid if people did drugs at my wedding.. luckily I've never done drugs and don't tend to mix with people who partake in drugs so hopefully this won't be an issue. I have a couple of friends who have tried drugs back in uni but generally they all grew out of it when they started their careers.