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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't want drugs at my wedding

469 replies

Bridezillamaybe · 13/06/2021 19:48

I'm getting married next year. It's been an utterly rubbish year for many many reasons and I am really looking forward to it, having people together and celebrating the future.

We are having 100 guests, approx 70 of which are mine. Ten of them are very old friends of mine, good friends that I've known as part of a larger group for twenty years. We all used to party a lot with drugs (E, amphetamines). I stopped and personally despise drugs but each to their own. They all take coke, not regularly but when there is a big gathering or occasion. The last three weddings we have been at as a group, the hen parties, the big birthdays have seen everyone spending the night doing come and me finding it all quite boring. Generally I make my own fun with whoever else is there and head off to bed when I feel like it. I haven't enjoyed the druggie weddings, nobody dances, everyone just sits shouting self obsessed drivel at each other.

The friendships are real, the meetings are not always dominated by drugs and I've plenty of other friends. No matter how much I say "I don't take drugs" they always seem to forget and keep offering. Occasionally someone takes a swipe about how i used to be fun but generally they don't pay any attention.

So this brings me to my wedding. They are 10% of the guestlist and I want them there. I was talking to a friend about the venue and she said totally serious that there would need to be a private spot for getting away and doing lines. I said I hoped that wouldn't be happening and she got very shirty with me.

I'm not sure if it's relevant but the wedding is costing us 20k, we have been saving / planning for ages. My partner would be disgusted by this behaviour. I feel as the hosts, people should respect our wishes. My friend obviously feels I am being very controlling. She says they are adults and they are also out of pocket to come to the wedding and are entitled to spend their free time as they desire.

Yabu - mind your own business and let people enjoy a party anyway they like
Yanbu - it's your wedding day, they should respect your wishes.

OP posts:
seasonsofdoves · 14/06/2021 06:45

There's a coked up idiot at any big event. I'd plead ignorance and let them get on with it. Stick them on a table together

The other guests won't even realise

RoseAndRose · 14/06/2021 06:47

It's not going to be 1 guest though, is it? It's 10% of the guest list who are likely to participate and that is going to be noticeable,

readingismycardio · 14/06/2021 06:47

I'd just tell them that you decided on a very s mall and intimate family wedding. Do they know the date/venue?

Surfisup · 14/06/2021 06:52

I have friends who would probably want to do a line of coke. Not because they need to but because they enjoy it. They'd be far less likely to cause any drama than uncle Pete falling over or starting a fight because he can't handle his booze.
People who don't take drugs won't notice them but if it matters to you I would ask them if they would mind leaving the coke at home.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 14/06/2021 06:52

They aren't that fussed about your wedding if they want to spend it doing lines.

Pay for the private room then call the police to bloody visit it and catch the lot of them.

Gross.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 14/06/2021 06:54

There's a coked up idiot at any big event.

This is not true. No one was doing fucking coke at my wedding. My friends and family are not into that shit at all.

DeathStare · 14/06/2021 07:03

The other guests won't even realise

They may well. Especially if it's a group. I've noticed people on drugs before, though I'm sure they thought I hadn't. If my kids weren't with me I just ignored it. With kids I'd leave.

Slayduggee · 14/06/2021 07:05

I would not invite them. I’m assuming there will be children and elderly aunties and grandparents there. They obviously don’t give a shit what anyone else thinks. Imagine if your grandmother sees or hears them doing drugs. It will completely overshadow the day and be talked about for years.

Sparklingwine1 · 14/06/2021 07:21

@Burnt0utMum

I'd uninvite them. They can't be very good friends if they can't respect your wishes for just one night.
Exactly this 👆🏼
saraclara · 14/06/2021 07:27

People are still saying "uninvited them" when it's only one of them that's said anything. The others may well be fine with conforming to OP's wishes.

I'd send a friendly message to say "x has asked if I can provide somewhere for you all to use coke. That's really not possible for a variety of reasons. Our wedding is going to be a family affair, with children and older relatives present. I recognise that it's something you like to do, but it really wouldn't be appropriate at this event. I hope you understand"

Surfisup · 14/06/2021 07:31

I'd send a friendly message to say "x has asked if I can provide somewhere for you all to use coke. That's really not possible for a variety of reasons. Our wedding is going to be a family affair, with children and older relatives present. I recognise that it's something you like to do, but it really wouldn't be appropriate at this event. I hope you understand"

This is what I would do in your position OP. I imagine that if they are friends they will be more than happy to respect your wishes

Ireallydontknowimtired · 14/06/2021 07:33

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

There's a coked up idiot at any big event.

This is not true. No one was doing fucking coke at my wedding. My friends and family are not into that shit at all.

I know, this shit is so normal to some many people here (shocking tbh and I'm not a pearl-clutcher but I'd gladly clutch mine here) that they can't imagine some people don't move around those circles at all. Whatever makes them feel better about theirs and/or friends' coke habits.
RampantIvy · 14/06/2021 07:35

I agree @Ireallydontknowimtired.

MizMoonshine · 14/06/2021 07:42

I'm not inviting family who have form for getting drunk to my wedding. Just saying.
It's your day and your husband's, not theirs.
If they can't socially function without drugs and get arsey with you for requesting it then maybe you should rethink having them attend your wedding.
See them in smaller groups where they can behave themselves.

Morgan12 · 14/06/2021 07:47

Why are you so against them doing it at the wedding?

They will probably do it at the toilet, mainly socialise together and you and your DH will most likely only speak to them for about 15 minutes of the day.

I have an auntie who is an absolute arsehole after she gets a drink in her but I couldn't ask her not to drink at my wedding because she is an adult who makes her own decisions.

Honestly this is quite ridiculous. You won't even notice.

Morgan12 · 14/06/2021 07:52

@RoseAndRose

It's not going to be 1 guest though, is it? It's 10% of the guest list who are likely to participate and that is going to be noticeable,
Noticeable how?

How would anyone know?

Morgan12 · 14/06/2021 07:54

@DeathStare

The other guests won't even realise

They may well. Especially if it's a group. I've noticed people on drugs before, though I'm sure they thought I hadn't. If my kids weren't with me I just ignored it. With kids I'd leave.

Incase they ate your kids?

IJoinedJustForThisThread · 14/06/2021 07:57

@Surfisup

I have friends who would probably want to do a line of coke. Not because they need to but because they enjoy it. They'd be far less likely to cause any drama than uncle Pete falling over or starting a fight because he can't handle his booze. People who don't take drugs won't notice them but if it matters to you I would ask them if they would mind leaving the coke at home.
If they enjoy it, why can’t they do it at home instead of at OP’s wedding?
sadperson16 · 14/06/2021 07:58

I've noticed people on drugs before

What are the signs please?

IJoinedJustForThisThread · 14/06/2021 07:59

I mentioned this thread to my OH and he reeled off half a dozen names of people I know/have met/have heard of who do or have done cocaine and I was shocked. If I bump into any of these people again I will be silently judging them.

Original poster
Bridezillamaybe · 14/06/2021 08:00

Thanks for all the replies.

Yes my fiance knows I went through a drugs phase when I was much younger (it's actually close to twenty years on reflection) and now have nothing to do with it.

He likes this group of friends. We have been on holidays with the kids there or had overnights in smaller groups, just the adults. This has never been an issue.

This group of friends all have kids, all have careers and attend events all the time where coke wouldn't feature. That's why I was taken aback that friend assumed it would be a feature at my wedding.

On reflection the coked up weddings / big birthdays have happened when it's being only this group with others from their bigger group are together and the bride and groom were part of the group. So not all the time.

I actually have no reason to believe they wouldn't respect my wishes, more that they assumed I wouldn't mind. The friend who got shirty with me has form for wanting things her way in general.

When the wedding arrangements start properly I will say it to the group then that it's not the right place for any drugs.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bridezillamaybe · 14/06/2021 08:04

@Morgan12

Why are you so against them doing it at the wedding?

They will probably do it at the toilet, mainly socialise together and you and your DH will most likely only speak to them for about 15 minutes of the day.

I have an auntie who is an absolute arsehole after she gets a drink in her but I couldn't ask her not to drink at my wedding because she is an adult who makes her own decisions.

Honestly this is quite ridiculous. You won't even notice.

I will notice. I know exactly what it's like. It's boring being around people on drugs, the weddings have no atmosphere, they don't integrate with other people, there's no dancing, there's just endless self obsessed monologues, staying up the entire night and not being able to speak the next day (I have a second day organised).
OP posts:
ViaRia · 14/06/2021 08:06

It does seem like you have a difficult choice to make but I think it sounds like the only way to ensure they don’t do drugs at your wedding is to ensure they are not there in the first place.
The conversation you had with the friend shows that you are on very different mindsets about the issue and that she would dismiss your wishes.
I understand they are good long-term friends and that this isn’t a constant theme in your friendship… however, it is clearly something that is still (and will continue to) raising its ugly head. You’ve changed the direction of your life and put those days behind you. In my view, getting married is about committing to your new family, and sometimes that may mean leaving behind aspects of your life that no longer fit.
If your friends are putting their need to do drugs ahead of your needs on the day of your wedding, then they are not really turning up for you at all.
The comment she made about ‘but guests travel / stay at their own expense and should be able to do as they wish’ is BS easily solved though, with “no problem, there’s no need for you to attend if you do not wish to enjoy the day as I have planned it - therefore no expense for you as a guest”.

RodiganReed · 14/06/2021 08:06

At least the cokeheads won't decide to insult the bride/ groom/ other guests.

You must be thinking of pills/ MDMA. Coke heads are renowned for getting a bit pumped up and aggressive.

A married couple at my neighbour's wedding were caught doing coke and discreetly left after staff confronted them, a third person was then caught later in the evening and wasn't willing to leave so the police were called. Both the bride and groom were mortified but the groom in particular was heartbroken as his Mum wasn't in great health and she had to see all that in her final months.

You only get one shot at the perfect wedding OP, don't let these clowns ruin it.

Original poster
Bridezillamaybe · 14/06/2021 08:08

@Morgan12

Why are you so against them doing it at the wedding?

They will probably do it at the toilet, mainly socialise together and you and your DH will most likely only speak to them for about 15 minutes of the day.

I have an auntie who is an absolute arsehole after she gets a drink in her but I couldn't ask her not to drink at my wedding because she is an adult who makes her own decisions.

Honestly this is quite ridiculous. You won't even notice.

Yes this is my point - they will be in the toilet, I won't speak to them and they will only socialise with each other. It's not a particularly big wedding, we have kept the numbers down purposely and it's not the vibe I want.
OP posts: