Is it me or DH?

[Icantstopeatinglol]

DS13 loves his computer games but always finds it hard to turn off if he’s in the middle of the game. DH does most the cooking and has started saying if DS doesn’t come straight down for food then he’s throwing it in the bin. I try ink it’s harsh and if DS food is cold then that’s his problem. DS is a good kid and has struggled with friends for ages and now has a good group of friends which he’s happy about. I understand both sides but thinking throwing it in the bin is too far.

The teen can eat later, but not necessarily freshly prepared food.
The OP is about going when called for food. The pp, and many others, are saying to let him eat later. If it's cold, it's cold. But my own teen is quite able to use the microwave to heat up his food if necessary.

It’s completely fine to say when dinner is and expect a child to appear. But throwing it in the bin is the act of a child, not an adult.
So many punishments are entirely arbitrary for children.
You’re late? Consequence is your food is cold. Why also petulantly throw food away?

Who cleans up after dinner? At 13 he should be involved.
No wonder we have a generation of lazy teens if they pick up their dinner, eat in front of a game, then get tidied up after.

My own teen is quite capable of joining us at the table after we started, eat, and leave before we do.
Plus he gets up and loads the dishwasher with his own stuff as he gets up. If I have to leave things out for him, he will clear them.

Eating later doesn't mean in front of a game. And eating in front of a game also doesn't mean getting tidied up after.
Mine takes all the stuff from the snacks back, even if he needs occasional reminders.

Most parents should be able to be flexible with their children and still ensure they are responsible children and grow to responsible adults.

Cutting games in half because we say so, at the time we want, or throwing food out, only teaches them about authoritarianism, not about responsibility. And, IMO, does nothing for your long term relationship with them. They will rebel.

The OP says he takes his food back to his room to eat. That's presumably to eat in front of a game.

Maybe I'm old school but eating together is important.

I’m with your DH. It’s rude and bad manners. It’s not teaching your DS how to treat people with respect. I think it’s fair for your DH to give him a 30 minute warning and then expect him at the table with everyone else within 5 minutes of it being served. Even if you give him an extra 10 minute warning before it’s ready just to ensure he can prepare to leave the game.

@HercwasanEnemyofEducation

The OP says he takes his food back to his room to eat. That's presumably to eat in front of a game.

Maybe I'm old school but eating together is important.

This. Whole family should be eating together, and chatting etc

@CrazyNeighbour

Unfortunately, it sounds like DH would rather give zero notice, throw a daily hissy fit and waste food.

Whilst communication is obviously an issue, the youngster is behaving in a very rude manner, and being enabled by his mother.
It isn’t clear how long the games last but starting a 90 minute game that you know might clash is pig-ignorant. In Dads position I would be turning off the internet and all “Oh Dear, What a shame, at least dinner is ready now.”

And ruin it for several other people, simply because you couldn't tell the kid what time he was expected to be downstairs so that he didn't go and start a game at all between about 5 and 9.. You sound delightful. It might clash because the dinner window is as big as 3 hours. The kid should not have to sit there just waiting ready to bolt downstairs.

Honestly, I can't believe how out of touch a lot of parents are, "15 minutes is MORE than enough". No. It. Fucking. Isn't.
But by all means, do get your kids in the shit with their friends. Why does a kid need friends anyway when he has a mum and dad?

Most games these days are are multiplayer and need team work to achieve anything.

I play a game called WoW. Played it since I was a child, have very long lasting, very deep and very important friendships with many people on there as I have known them so long. They matter to me, and I to them.
In WoW, there is something called mythic plus. You need 5 players. Everyone has their role and it matters.
It is on a timer, and when you complete it, you end up with a score and some loot at the end.
The score adds up on a website and people try their hardest to climb up the scoreboards. Who doesn't want to be the best healer on your server of 15+ thousand people? Or better yet, in all of Europe, or even the world? It does make you feel fucking great knowing you are in the top of so many people, believe me.

If one of the group members decides to walk away you cannot complete and all that time and effort is lost. Not only that, but you have a special key to use to do one of these "mythics" and that's now been downgraded because someone left in the middle, which then wastes another chunk of everyone's time, as you head off to try and upgrade it again. You need to upgrade the key over and over for a maximum score and to progress your character.
You will have likely lost 60-90 minutes due to the fact one of your friends decided to abandon you, when your friend staying for just another say, 24 minutes would have meant you did it on time and all was fine.

15 minutes is often not enough. Please remember your children are also people and have their own hobbies. At least show them a little respect by giving fair warning of when you expect them to be downstairs.

My son works hard, does sport etc but loves his games which has been an issue for us. We have agreed a 20 minute warning before dinner and he always comes off in time to join us.

Could you start giving your DS a 20 minute warning? So he Has time to finish the game he’s playing and doesn’t start a new one close to dinner? Throwing dinner in the bin is dramatic and wasteful. Just leave it on the table and give your DS a cut off time.

I agree that eating together is important. I do, with very rare exceptions.
It's baffling that the father is OK with him taking food up but not when he wants to, even if it's cold.
If the issue is the washing up, then the last one can do the dishes. That's a fitting consequence for eating later too.
Or just call him down during food prep and eat as a family.

I think throwing in bin is ott. I have a ds that loves gaming. I give him a 10 minute warning to tell his mates he's coming off and wrap the game up before dinner. I used to be very frustrated if he didn't come immediately but realised if your in the middle of a game with friends it isn't as easy to just drop it straight away.

Of course you give fair warning, or set up a time if you are strict on a routine. Would anyone on here just drop everything at the drop of a hat because their partner decides it's time for diner?

It's ridiculous to treat children or adults like a puppy and expect them to run when you whistle, whatever their age.

Now if the boy has been told he has 15 then 10 minutes and he doesn't come then, fair enough to turn the internet off.

@Icantstopeatinglol

DH is saying if he’s not down in 15 mins then it’s going in the bin. He doesn’t always do this but it is quite often.

I have a gamer and I think 15 mins is a long time to ignore dinner on the table. I get annoyed with DS if he ignores shouts for dinner - I shout up a 5 minute warning so he can finish up or get to a break in whatever he’s playing.

@Nutrafin

Fucking games. They honestly are so anti-social. Apart from..you know...if he's using them to socialize with his friends.

Yeah at texpense of his family. Comes out for dinner, slopes off to his room. At least he's only 13 unlike the social butterfly husbands we see on here who love to game while their wives run about holding the fort. He'll slot in when he's older. And yes I'm aware of the game obsession. My child would sit all day ignoring us if he had a chance. He isn't allowed to strut out late for dinner and disappear back to his room. Kids need to be with real people. This pandemic has hit hard but let's not pretend gaming is some magical fix.

@Paq

He needs to come down when asked. Give him a warning though.

You should sit together.

He should be getting involved with dinner at his age - laying the table or helping clear up afterwards.

You're not helping him by just letting him play endless games.

Yes he's not learning anything in noise cancelling headphone land. Just that the people downstairs make his dinner and he has to pick it up.

Cooking, cleaning, homework? Any of these things happening?

I really don't know why this is so hard to solve. The dinner window of several hours is fine, some need to work that way. But surely it is just common sense to come to the conclusion to warn him before it is ready and not afterwards. What does your husband like, films/football? Put him into the scenario and see what his answer is, he settles down to watch xxxx, dinner will be at some point but never a set time, during it he gets called to dinner, ONCE it is done and has 15 minutes else it is in the bin but he can't watch the rest of the film/game. Seem fair now? It is a massive communication thing. Warn him dinner is being started, it be done at xxxx time, get him to do as he pleases like set an alarm if needed, shout him once it is done, THEN deal with him not appearing 15 minutes later. People wonder why kids kick back when you demand then to stop doing something they are in the middle of doing and don't come running. Since mine were toddlers I would say ok, we are going out/leaving in 5/10 minutes so it wasn't a surprise to them. The amount of stunned faces when this works at the park and my kid was happy to leave, rather than one being dragged out kicking and screaming. Amazing how quickly the other parents caught on.

All those saying games can be paused are very out of touch, no not all games can be paused the live games (which a majority of children play now days) can not be paused especially when playing with others.

I give my son a 15/20 warning that dinner will be ready, I would never expect someone to stop what ever they are in the middle of to stop suddenly without notice. I wouldn’t expect to be told I had to stop what ever I was doing and come and sit down - I could be in the middle of something myself with work etc.

15 minutes is plenty of notice and I would keep to that or have a set time that dinner is ready so everyone knows when they are expected to eat.

I think you should just tell your ds 15 mins ahead that he is expected downstairs.

This is because it is supper time and also it is courteous to his father who has done the cooking.

This is what is expected and if he can't manage that then you will have to look at how he's using the gaming and perhaps asking him to so much sooner eg an hour before - in order that he can detach himself from the game and be ready to join in with dinner.

I don't think it's necessary to act out a threat and throw food away. After all you're trying to model civilised thoughtful behaviour and help your ds to develop self control and the capacity to give up his game and fit in.

This was an issue in my DS2 teen years as he does a lot of multi-player games.
We basically came to an agreement that we would tell him well in advance when meals would be so that he could plan around that.
I don't think it's reasonable to expect him to just drop out of the middle of a game. Firstly he'll be letting down his friends and secondly why should anyone just suddenly stop in the middle of an absorbing hobby because someone else demands their presence? In his shoes I'd be pretty annoyed.
Gaming has been an absolute godsend for my DC in keeping up social contact in lockdown and families should work on mutual consent and respect IMO.

I agree with your husband. I'd want us all to sit down and eat as a family. I'd also feel it's disrespectful that I've stood there cooking and he can't leave a game to come and eat it. I get frustrated in my house when my teenagers take a while to come down for their food as I want to serve it at its best and not once it's getting cold!

People on here might get their enjoyment from watching mindless soaps and reality shows, but others get their enjoyment from reading, or art, or listening to music, or videogames (which often have intricate story lines, aims and goals, puzzles etc etc or are games that friends play together, promoting teamwork abilities).

Part of parenting is teaching DCs about respecting people who do things for them, authority figures and timetables and so on.

15 minutes is ample time. If you're feeling kind you could give a 15 and then a 5 minute warning. I'd be yanking plugs out after that. But then my DCs had the responsibility of laying the table (adult one living at home still does this) and getting drinks ready, as well as loading the dishwasher afterwards.

Binning the food is U though - I'd just say it has to be eaten how it is, so cold and clammy if necessary. And no filling up on toast afterwards. You and DH need to be a team on this.

There are microwaves to reheat. Throwing dinner in the bin is childish and shows your DS that it's OK to solve a problem by having what is effectively a tantrum. Discipline is important but this seems like foot stamping and might create more problems than it solves. What happens if DS retaliates another day by throwing his own dinner in the bin when he gets annoyed?

I saw your earlier post about talking to him and that seems like a better way forward. Get him to come up with solutions (that suit you) like scheduling agreed game times, or he can set a reminder an hour before dinner so he's more aware of the deadline. Maybe get him involved in choosing the food and cooking ( there are some great You Tube how to cook ) this really worked for us.

Its good for families to eat together, but its not always possible every single day, every meal.

They've had to rely a lot on online friendships in the last 18 months, so its not surprising that these games etc are important to them. Hopefully as lockdown eases this will become less so. @SaltySkulls post gives a good insight into things from a teen's point of view.

Your DH is being unreasonable.

Might be worth agreeing as a family which dinners are set aside as Family Mealtime. 7 nights a week round the table at the same time is probably a bit much now they are teens. Maybe agree that Monday/Wednesday/Sunday its 6pm at the table to eat together.

Rest of the week - meals are plated up for those who arent sat at the table at 6pm, reheat when you want to eat.

If you're feeling kind you could give a 15 and then a 5 minute warning.

I don't agree it's being kind, it's just basic manners and respect.
Your kids deserve as much as you do.

If he was reading a book, he would like to finish his page, he wouldn't stop in the middle of a sentence.