Is it me or DH?

[Icantstopeatinglol]

DS13 loves his computer games but always finds it hard to turn off if he’s in the middle of the game. DH does most the cooking and has started saying if DS doesn’t come straight down for food then he’s throwing it in the bin. I try ink it’s harsh and if DS food is cold then that’s his problem. DS is a good kid and has struggled with friends for ages and now has a good group of friends which he’s happy about. I understand both sides but thinking throwing it in the bin is too far.

My granddaughter kept getting up from the table in middle of the meal when she was about 5/6 - there was no reason for her to do so. After several warnings from her mum for doing it at my house as well as her own, I said I would put her tea in the bin if she did it again. She loves her food. She did get up and I walked over to the bin with her plate but she begged me not to throw it away. She hasn't got up from the table since. She knows I'm a gran who means what she says!

Let DS know what time tea will be ready so it’s not a surprise.

Give him 5 mins grace then throw in bin. It’s so rude to not come down for 15 mins. I'm with your DH

I’m an occasional gamer and it’s really easy to sort your gaming out if you know what time you are needed

I agree with many PPs. Tell him what time dinner will be ready then give him a 5 minute warning. Means he can finish whatever bit he is doing and come down. If he feels a 10 minute warning would be better then do that.
If he doesn’t come down then the alternative is that he gets off the computer as soon as dinner cooking begins because he can’t manage to time keep

Gonna go against the grain here.

People on here might get their enjoyment from watching mindless soaps and reality shows, but others get their enjoyment from reading, or art, or listening to music, or videogames (which often have intricate story lines, aims and goals, puzzles etc etc or are games that friends play together, promoting teamwork abilities).

The issue with a game vs TV (and I imagine this is why your DS is having issues) is that when it comes to "live" games (i.e. online) you can't just pause it and wait because other people are playing with you and it will let your team of friends down and lose the match (would you drag your son off a footy pitch because his dinner might be cold?).

My advice would be a compromise. If your DS is playing a live game he plays until the end of the match and comes down immediately after. But ultimately I think you are right. How the fuck is it affecting your 'D'H if your DS eats his dinner cold because he needed to finish something first?

I expect people to be down within minutes when tea is called - including the gaming teenage boy.

That said, tea is at 6pm. Everyone in the house knows we eat at (roughly) 6pm because that suits us.

Don't start another game at 5.50pm. Or if it's a long game, keep an eye on the time because your tea is going to be ready at 6pm. You can go back to your game after you've sat at the table with your family and eaten a meal together.

I don’t think your DH is being unreasonable but a day of no gaming would be a better punishment than throwing the food away.

After a couple of mins get yourself up the stairs and unplug the console. Repeat.

@VeganCheesePlease

As a gamer, I'm with your DH on this one. Don't know if I agree with throwing it in the bin, but I can absolutely understand him wanting DS to join you. Games can be paused.

Some games can be. If he plays anything like WoW, CSGO, FFXIV, anything with other people, then no, he cannot pause it and if he does just leave in the middle of the game, he can screw up anything from 1 to about 30 other people.

What does he actually play, OP?

@VeganCheesePlease

As a gamer, I'm with your DH on this one. Don't know if I agree with throwing it in the bin, but I can absolutely understand him wanting DS to join you. Games can be paused.

And actually, what on earth do YOU play?! A "gamer" would know most games can't just be paused..

Your DH is being very tolerant giving DS 15 minutes to come downstairs. My DS wouldn't dare leave it that long. If I've gone to the bother of cooking him a meal the least he can do is come downstairs to eat it when it's ready. It's about manners and respect.

You’re lucky DH hadn’t just stopped cooking for anyone but himself. Your son is staggeringly rude, your family life doesn’t revolve around him. And you’re taking the piss and doing your son no favours in the process. He’s a member of a family, not a bloody emperor with staff.

I wouldn’t throw meals in the bin, though it’s a very fair suggestion. I’d stop cooking.

Not all games can be paused. It seems harsh to expect him to drop what he's doing immediately with no warning.

Give everyone a 10 min warning and he'll have time to finish his game / get to a save point etc. Then a demand to come immediately when food is ready would be much more reasonable.

If you’re playing a game with others it can’t be paused - would you pause a football match or board game?

Having said that since DS knows what time dinner is - it’s his responsibility to stop playing before then and just wait to be called downstairs. Just like how my DP, the gamer does it.
OTOH if your DH cooks at varying times then he doesn’t have a point

15 minutes is more than reasonable, especially if they've been warned in advance about dinner time. Family meal time is important, too.

@CyberGhost

Gonna go against the grain here.

People on here might get their enjoyment from watching mindless soaps and reality shows, but others get their enjoyment from reading, or art, or listening to music, or videogames (which often have intricate story lines, aims and goals, puzzles etc etc or are games that friends play together, promoting teamwork abilities).

The issue with a game vs TV (and I imagine this is why your DS is having issues) is that when it comes to "live" games (i.e. online) you can't just pause it and wait because other people are playing with you and it will let your team of friends down and lose the match (would you drag your son off a footy pitch because his dinner might be cold?).

My advice would be a compromise. If your DS is playing a live game he plays until the end of the match and comes down immediately after. But ultimately I think you are right. How the fuck is it affecting your 'D'H if your DS eats his dinner cold because he needed to finish something first?

Eh?! I think you might've entirely missed the point. What if DS was on the phone to his friend? That can't be paused. What if DS was out on his bike with this friends and told to be home for dinner? That can't be paused. Just because it can't be paused doesn't mean it can't be time managed. would you drag your son off a footy pitch because his dinner might be cold? Yes! If DS were out playing football and were called in for dinner then I think the vast, vast majority of PP would expect him to come in. It's basic decency and respect. If your DS is playing a live game he plays until the end of the match and comes down immediately after These games can continue for literal hours - some of them end when you stop.

Throwing it in the bin is a bit much but taking it away might be a better option.
And to be fair if your dh is giving him 15 minutes then imo that's plenty of time for him to finish the game and come downstairs

DS needs to learn to plan ahead. If you had your way he'd be set up for a lifetime of not bothering to be on time. If it's too close to meal time then he learns not to start up a game that can't be interrupted. I'm with your DH all the way here. You sit down to eat when the food is ready. Arriving 15 minutes late is bloody rude.

@ProbablyProbing

If DS ends a phone call with a friend, it doesn't mean that the friends and possibly a bunch of other people have had their time wasted and now have lost out massively. You can pick up a phone call again after dinner. What an odd example.

These games can continue for literal hours - some of them end when you stop

And many of them end when you complete it and by not completing it with the other people, you completely wasted their time and possibly cost them a lot, in things like rating (which does matter greatly in some games as losing it means you could be booted out of a league of sorts), or things like rewards.

Leaving in the middle of certain games is completely unacceptable unless it's an emergency and it will create problems with friends.

If he's told what time dinner is going to be ready and reminded ten minutes before it's served, then yes, DS should be down to eat with the family as soon as the meal is ready.

It's terrifying what screens and gaming are doing to family life and relationships, frankly. OP's kid needs to game around the timetable for meals. Or he's going to grow up to be an adult who's going to be a shit partner and father. Because he'll be used to doing his own thing at the expense of everyone else in the family.

[quote SaltySkulls]@ProbablyProbing

If DS ends a phone call with a friend, it doesn't mean that the friends and possibly a bunch of other people have had their time wasted and now have lost out massively. You can pick up a phone call again after dinner. What an odd example.

These games can continue for literal hours - some of them end when you stop

And many of them end when you complete it and by not completing it with the other people, you completely wasted their time and possibly cost them a lot, in things like rating (which does matter greatly in some games as losing it means you could be booted out of a league of sorts), or things like rewards.

Leaving in the middle of certain games is completely unacceptable unless it's an emergency and it will create problems with friends.[/quote]
You do realise that all (or the vast majority of) his friends have parents who expect them down for dinner, right? And dinner happens every night and everyone knows that, right? Do you honestly, genuinely and truly believe that every teen who's into gaming (which, let's be honest is the vast majority of the boys and a hefty number of the girls) has no friends left because they were taught basic manners by their parents? Don't be so silly and dramatic. The only time it'll cause issues is when they say "if you knew you had dinner then why start the game?" and that's down to DS's stupid decisions, not OP or DH actually parenting their son.

I'm assuming there is a regular time for dinner? Your ds should use this time as a guide and then not start a game if close to dinner time.

Your dh is right to enforce a time limit. This isn't just about food being cold it's life skills for your ds such as organising his day, spending time with family and being disciplined with time. If he's allowed to just game he is likely to end up as one of those useless manchild who think gaming is a priority over everything else.

Support your dh on this,his instincts are right

Kid needs to learn that ultimately it's just a game, 1 of 10000s he'll play in the coming years. Your DH is right. When we first had this shit I just turned off the internet. They quickly learnt

@ProbablyProbing

And you are under the assumption that dinner is always at the same time. The OP hasn't said it is and for all we know, the kid doesn't get warning.

We are talking about a kid struggling with friends. Let him play with the friends he does have, it's more important for him to have that than to eat with his parents every day (yes, really).

"if you knew you had dinner then why start the game?"
A game could start at 5 that should only take 45 hours, but could easily go over for several reasons and ends up taking double. It happens and it's still considered unacceptable to leave until complete, by both friends and strangers.

But yes, don't start anything if you know you have something to do. I would never start anything like that unless I had at least 2 hours before I needed to do something because I wouldn't want to be the arse that wastes several other peoples time.

@SaltySkulls if you’re referring to tournaments then they’re like marathons - people have set times for them and treat it as an event. It’s not an everyday occurrence .
Much like meeting real life friends responsible gaming involves knowing how long you have to game and playing for that long. Most games wil have short campaigns as well. Otherwise DS would be in his room all day with no family time

[quote LateAtTate]@SaltySkulls if you’re referring to tournaments then they’re like marathons - people have set times for them and treat it as an event. It’s not an everyday occurrence .
Much like meeting real life friends responsible gaming involves knowing how long you have to game and playing for that long. Most games wil have short campaigns as well. Otherwise DS would be in his room all day with no family time[/quote]
No, I am referring to things like raids, dungeons and competitive matches. Things that can have anything up to 30 people in them, several of which where if one player leaves, you won't be able to replace them and you will lose because of it, unless you happen to be amazing at the game. More so if it's a group of something like 5 or 10, obviously.