Is it me or DH?

[Icantstopeatinglol]

DS13 loves his computer games but always finds it hard to turn off if he’s in the middle of the game. DH does most the cooking and has started saying if DS doesn’t come straight down for food then he’s throwing it in the bin. I try ink it’s harsh and if DS food is cold then that’s his problem. DS is a good kid and has struggled with friends for ages and now has a good group of friends which he’s happy about. I understand both sides but thinking throwing it in the bin is too far.

@Thunderblunder

I mostly cook in our house. When it’s ready I shout to tell everybody. When they eat it is entirely up to them. They either come down straight away and eat it while it’s hot or they come down later and eat it when it’s cold. No skin off my nose which they do.

This is what I do too. Come now and eat it hot or come later and eat it cold. Wouldn't throw it in the bin. We can't really afford to throw good food away

15mins!!! That is a v.disrespectful Dc.
My kids come to the table as soon as dinner is placed on table.

I agree with a pp, Give a 10 min warning, no excuse then for him to not be there.
If this happens often, I'd feel like chucking the food away too- I would'nt but Dc would be eating that meal cold with one stern warning about being respectful

Sorry fell asleep….there’s no set time in our house for food. It can be any time between 6-9pm and DS gets no warning (most the time) that tea is nearly ready. I totally get the lack of respect thing and I have spoken to him but as a pp said, he’s had a tough time over the last year and a bit with friends, feeling isolated etc and I personally think you need to pick your battles with teens. He doesn’t sit wit us for food. It’s literally, foods made and we let him know but it could be anytime. He’s then expected to drop everything to come down and get his food which he takes back up to his room. To me if it’s cold then that’s his fault and him that has to eat it like that.

DS gets no warning (most the time) that tea is nearly ready
But earlier you said he gets 15 minutes warning.
DH is saying if he’s not down in 15 mins then it’s going in the bin

Your DH is making him dinner. It's not about whether it's cold later - it's about showing some respect and good manners to your DH.

I did wonder if this was reverse because it's such a no brainer - which almost everyone on this thread agreed with. If it's not, please back your DH.

What I meant was he gets no warning that teas being made. So we tell him it’s ready and then DH said he has 15 mins then it’s going in the bin. This is said to me though not DS.

I think potentially I’m being quite protective of DS as there is a battle of wills between DH and DS as they are very similar in personalities and don’t get on great.

Compromise of behaviour on both sides.

1. Your DH gives him fair warning that food will be ready in 15 minutes, and makes sure it is.

2. DS comes as soon as he’s called - if he’s had 15 mins warning then he should be finished already.

If you had a dinner time and all ate together it wouldn’t be an issue - DS would know when dinner was, and your DH’s expectation that he came straight away would be important because you’d all be eating together. Might improve general communication between them too.

Yea I think that’s a good compromise. I think we do need to eat together, that would resolve some of the problem. Communication is a big issue in our house which is why I think I get annoyed when DH puts his foot down when there’s been no attempt to deal with the situation other than demands and shouting.

@Icantstopeatinglol

Yea I think that’s a good compromise. I think we do need to eat together, that would resolve some of the problem. Communication is a big issue in our house which is why I think I get annoyed when DH puts his foot down when there’s been no attempt to deal with the situation other than demands and shouting.

But do try to let him know when dinner gets started as quite a few games might need more than 15 minutes. Trust me, I've been gaming online for almost 15 years

Fucking games.
They honestly are so anti-social.
Taking over peoples bloody lives.
Does he just pick up his meal and disappear back to his room?
My parents would say dinner at 7 or whatever And off I'd go. I'd never agree that my child rolls down when they fancy, takes it to their room.

Is he generally just a flap in flap out type of child?

You're obviously not going to let a teenage boy go hungry

Why not ? It won't hurt him and may actually remind him that his dad's cooking isn't a self service.

If he fills up on treats - not that he should help himself to the fridge as that's bloody rude - then I'd stop buying the treats.

My two DS (much younger) sometimes refuse to eat their meal. Fair enough, but they're getting nothing else until next meal. If they go hungry that's a consequence of their own poor choices.

Just read the updates. I agree that it's reasonable to tell your DS when dinner prep starts, and to give him an estimate of when it'll be.

I also wouldn't be happy about him eating in his room. I feel like dinner at least should be taken as a family and be the opportunity to talk about everyone's day, etc.

Particularly with the updates (tea being any time in a 3 hour window, and DS being given no warning) then, assuming it is a game he is playing online and cant just be paused (and cant be turned off without letting down multiple people), your DH is being very unreasonable.

Fucking games.
They honestly are so anti-social.
Apart from..you know...if he's using them to socialize with his friends.

Give him warning, no one thinks at 6pm oh I think I will do dinner and at 6.15 it's in the bin, at some point whoever is cooking will have an idea of timing. If your son is hungry before 9pm can he not eat something earlier and not have dinner. Why the 3 hour window?

Why is he eating it in his room, why are you facilitating that? Does he never help to prepare for dinner or clean up afterwards?

I think you as parents need to take responsibility, respect works equal ways, we are all entitled to it, you, your DH and your son. It sounds as though you just give in and DH is putting his foot down, meanwhile your DS hides in his room. How many meal times does this play out at?

Yes we need to choose our battles with teens but they also need to build resilience and respect and the art of negotiation, and they still need boundaries. Dinner times in your house sound like they have none of these qualities.

Oh yes and communication, are there ever times that you get together as a family?

Tell him (or message him via Discord) when food prep starts and give him an approximate ETA. That way he can manage gaming expectations.

Let him know in a calm conversation outside of a mealtime that you expect him to come straight down when the meal is served (and ideally eat with you).

Your DH is wrong to bin the food when he could more effectively turn off the router.

@Icantstopeatinglol

DH is saying if he’s not down in 15 mins then it’s going in the bin. He doesn’t always do this but it is quite often.

15 minutes is plenty of time. Your DH is not being unreasonable.

Awful idea to throw food in the bin. Its annoying that sometimes teenagers would rather play games than eat, but if he is playing multiplayer games online, he will not be able to pause. He might have to finish the game and then come and eat. He will just reheat the food in that case.

With teenagers and children, I think that you need to give them warning. As a gamer myself, you often CANT just turn off the game as you'll lose your progress and you have to wait until you finish the match/getthe next checkpoint etc. You need to be saying to him "dinner will be ready in 20 minutes so start finishing your game" then another 5 minute warning. After that he needs to be downstairs and understand that if someone has made you food it's rude to just leave it to get cold and not eat with them. If he continues even after you are giving time warnings, I would tell him that he can make his own dinner when he is ready for it.

there’s no set time in our house for food. It can be any time between 6-9pm and DS gets no warning (most the time) that tea is nearly ready.
This is easily rectified. DH can tell him when he starts cooking, what time dinner will be. DS can then choose what to do about his game.

The alternative is that DS doesn't play his game until after you have had dinner, then it isn't an issue.

I was fairly lenient parent but no way would I tolerate 15 minutes late for dinner. To the pp saying DS.deserves respect

The disrespect is towards your DH. Id be very pissed off if I.were him

This is easily rectified. DH can tell him when he starts cooking, what time dinner will be. DS can then choose what to do about his game
Yup, as you say, it's a really easy fix - just give DS fair warning.

That, coupled with the fact that DH isnt even communicating the "it's going in the bin" threat to DS, makes me think DH is deliberately causing the issue for the sake of drama. He sounds like a petulant child himself.

How long does each of his games last? If it’s half an hour, tell him not to start any new games after x o’clock.

If he has some spare time before dinner he could help chop veg, do chores. Then after dinner he can return to his games.

If he refuses to help out around the house, I’d change the wifi password

I was fairly lenient parent but no way would I tolerate 15 minutes late for dinner. To the pp saying DS.deserves respect
Even if there was nothing resembling at set start time for dinner, you didn't bother to tell your children when dinner would be, and they were in the middle of something else?

You don't sound that lenient...