caught friends husband with another women..

[Lora918]

I feel terrible and just want to share. My friend (actually DH's friend, I met her and her husband through him) has been speaking about problems in her marriage for the past 2 years - she speaks about the lack of attention her husband shows and that he is always away.

Today DH and I went out to eat. We saw friends husband with a young girl. He was shocked to see us as shocked as I was. I went and sat away and saw them leave hurriedly. Then DH (he is his friend too) said that they know about this and that its not their place to say anything other than tell him what he is doing is disgusting.

I feel terrible. I have the worst headache all day and just feel horrid. Friend called said she wanted to meet up on Monday I had to make an excuse because I just cant bring myself to talk to her.

If you would want to know. Then give her the same courtesy. If she already knows or is in denial or blames you then you still know you have done the right thing.

@Blankspace101

When you say young girl I assume you mean an adult woman. If so keep your beak out of your friends marriage as it’s really nothing to do with you. Unless you like being involved in creating drama.

Things just got interesting lol. Are you the cheater's wife?

If you can find another way to contact her - text message maybe, I'd tell her his affair is apparently common knowledge amongst her friendship group. If she wants to go along with such bullshit then she's a mug, but that's her lookout. At least you'll know you've done all you can.

I'd have nothing more to do with any of them and I'd definitely be reevaluating my choice of husband as you now see what his values are. Lying and sneaking are preferable to truth and remaining faithful.

I don't think this is a particularly unusual scenario though. Lots of people knew my dad was shagging about but no one felt the need to tell my mum. Arseholes.

If anyone spoke to my husband about me like his mate has spoken about you I'd expect him to tell them exactly where to fuck off to.

Lora, she has openly confided in you for a long time about her marital problems, including her H’s detachment and unavailability. Today you shared some vital information with her, but she chose to stonewall you.

You’ve been a very good friend to her and have done all you can.

@MsDogLady

Lora, she has openly confided in you for a long time about her marital problems, including her H’s detachment and unavailability. Today you shared some vital information with her, but she chose to stonewall you.

You’ve been a very good friend to her and have done all you can.

totally 🌺

I think your husband should stick up for you in the group chat. You did the right thing and I wouldn’t want to remain friends with that group

Based on your husbands reaction to this and how normal he thinks it is, how can you be sure he isn't shagging anyone else?

He clearly doesn't give a shit about this, nor does the cheater. He says its so hard for him and he knows its wrong, but he still manages to fuck his ow doesn't he? Not that difficult for him then.

I'd question if my husband was loyal to me in these circumstances.

If the wife wants to ignore this, then let her. More fool her really.

@SleepingStandingUp

And your DHs "well it's a rough patch so it's totally ok of he fucks other women until their marriage is fine again and everyone knows bit keeps it from the wife" would worry me

This what I thought too

She's trying to play it all down. She must know deep down somethings off. You done the right thing.
This is the trouble with the husband being tipped off about someone more decent knowing. He's got in there first to cover his tracks, it's damage control for him.
She doesn't want to face up to the reality and knows that you're the person who could make her have to do it, so she's cut you off.

You say that you don't want to be involved, but unfortunately you are already. The question is, what do you do about it?

I was in the same position several years ago. I told my friend what I saw. The reason being that I just couldn't bear everyone knowing except for her. I couldn't bear the thought of her being so humiliated and being made a fool of. She was a grown woman and deserved the opportunity to make her own mind up about what she should do about her marriage. It was no one else's decision to make for her.

FWIW, they did stay together for a while. And she was grateful I told her and angry with the people who hadn't.

Just saw your update. Blimey I guess she really really wants to believe him.

As for that group of male friends your husband is part of- grim.

OP, it's off your conscience, leave them to it now. The whole friendship group sounds toxic so you're well rid.

Your husband is a bit of a problem here as well, he’s fine with his mate cheating on his wife. Doesn’t show much integrity

Hi,

I have had a rough night. Cried a lot. Feel rubbish everything is a mess and I just want to stay in bed today. I can't believe this has all turned on me and now I am made to be the wrong one.

I would never say I could trust any man to not cheat but DH is very family oriented. Has his computer always open, his telephone always out, his calendar with business meetings hotels etc everything written down in his study available for me to see. I could never justify him keeping everything a secret from me but I know in the 12 years I've known him he has always been a fantastic partner and father to me and DS.

I cried a lot yesterday (I cant describe how gutted and sick I feel) we spoke a lot. He said he knew I did the right thing but just wasn't brave enough to do it and he always hoped cheat would end things as he promised. He did say as friends none of them (other than the women and husband) supported him and always told him what his behaviour was wrong and the wife didn't deserve it.

Last night another msg came to the group of cheat. He invited, DH, the male friend, other male friend and women and her husband round for dinner on Monday. No mention of me. DH replied that he wouldn't be attending as he likes to spend his time with me. He now says he doesn't think anything would be same for them.

As for women and husband - the husband is actually cheats cousin so they even have family ties and I'm sure cheats whole family must know

Oh op I am sorry for the way this has played out. I came on to say that you must tell her.

I have been in her position, and died a thousand times a day for several years as I watched my xh emotionally withdraw from me. It was so confusing and painful, but the affair explained everything and I was able to leave. I wish a friend had told me, so that I hadn't wasted so much of my life.

You did the right thing and everyone else knows that you did. The wife has obviously decided to turn a blind eye, and will withdraw from you due to embarrassment and shame, as will her dh, and the abhorrent friends who supported his behaviour. Is it really any loss? They are not who you thought they were.

And if things are not the same, if friendships and marriages end, it is not on your head really is it, but on the head of the creepy old fucker who chose to shag an 18yo and had the audacity and arrogance to think that he didn't even have to keep it a secret.

Glad your dh is belatedly supportive. At least you've shown him where you stand on adultery, even if his views are rather questionable.

You absolutely did the right thing, OP.

I can understand why you feel so shaken too, at least your eyes are open now to what these 'friends' are like - they are no loss whatsoever.

I am considering calling the other women in group and talking to her about it

I would tell her.
I was told by OW husband and although it was incredibly painful, H had been gaslighting me telling me I was paranoid etc so it was a relief to know that my instincts had been correct.
If I saw a friend in a pub (you say he is s friend) I would go up to them, chat, expect to be introduced yo ‘niece’ etc. Why did you away?

@TeddingtonTrashbag

I would tell her. I was told by OW husband and although it was incredibly painful, H had been gaslighting me telling me I was paranoid etc so it was a relief to know that my instincts had been correct. If I saw a friend in a pub (you say he is s friend) I would go up to them, chat, expect to be introduced yo ‘niece’ etc. Why did you away?

OP already did but cheat's wife believes that killing the message is the most effective way of dealing with the problem.

Killing the messenger

At first I thought it might be a secret daughter, based on your 'young girl' description.

It's a tricky one, but if the wife knows and chooses to ignore it, I'm not sure what you are hoping to gain by speaking to other people about it. It's not really anyone elses business.

Just make sure that she knows if she needs support you are there for her. There's not much else you can do.

I don't think you should approach the other women in the group as you will already have been labelled a "trouble maker" and sounds like The Cheat is covering his tracks. Loyalty clearly lies within the group and I'm not sure you are in the "Circle of Trust" so to speak. They will also be feeling embarrassed and ashamed (hopefully!) that they knew and didn't have the balls to do anything and will likely take this out on you

You've told The Wife - I'd maybe make one more attempt and say - "look I don't know what The Cheat is saying but she wasn't a colleague and everyone in The Group is aware this is a dirty little affair"

Abs then walk away with your head held high as you've done the right thing

I wouldn't be surprised if the cheat is making up some bull shit story about OP too. It will be the 'crazy lady' or 'always been jealous of us' narrative. DH needs to stand up for you ...it seems he is, hope it continues.