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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

caught friends husband with another women..

340 replies

Lora918 · 12/06/2021 17:23

I feel terrible and just want to share. My friend (actually DH's friend, I met her and her husband through him) has been speaking about problems in her marriage for the past 2 years - she speaks about the lack of attention her husband shows and that he is always away.

Today DH and I went out to eat. We saw friends husband with a young girl. He was shocked to see us as shocked as I was. I went and sat away and saw them leave hurriedly. Then DH (he is his friend too) said that they know about this and that its not their place to say anything other than tell him what he is doing is disgusting.

I feel terrible. I have the worst headache all day and just feel horrid. Friend called said she wanted to meet up on Monday I had to make an excuse because I just cant bring myself to talk to her.

OP posts:
Scoleah · 12/06/2021 22:56

@Scoleah

I'd tell your friend and be loyal to her. The last thing you want to do is let her DH tell her then let slip you saw him with the Girl, that will hurt her more.
So sorry I posted before reading the whole thread! Blush
StartupRepair · 12/06/2021 22:56

*respect

Blossomandbee · 12/06/2021 22:56

Well you've said all you can say, it doesn't sound like she wants to know. She probably does know deep down. I would just step back from it all now.
I don't think I would want to be involved in this friendship group tbh, lots of dishonesty and drama, and your DH's morals are very questionable.

Hawkins001 · 12/06/2021 22:56

Tis a pickle op, seems like cover all bases, as frustrating as it seems, it does look possible that there either is more to it or the other half is covering herself.

Yesmate · 12/06/2021 22:57

Sounds like she knows and she’s blocked you. Not much more you can do. She will get so hurt in the long run but you’ve done what you can

Original poster
Lora918 · 12/06/2021 22:59

@StartupRepair

What a nasty group of friends. Your DH surrounds himself with people who have zero resort for women.
Yes and to think I was surrounded by these friends too. Always enjoyed spending time with them, whenever we had issues they were first ones to come running. I'm so shocked by everything.

As for DH I am so disappointed with him however that wasn't the issue for now so didn't want to make it about him. I am so disappointed how normal he finds this and how he was able to look at her all this time spend time with her knowing about her husbands affair. DH has always treated me perfect. I'm so shocked by everything today

OP posts:
Talkwhilstyouwalk · 12/06/2021 23:03

@BlatantlyNameChanged

I'd tell him that he has to tell her or you will.
Yep, this. What a bastard!
jessyjo2 · 12/06/2021 23:07

I was in your position once. I decided to keep quiet, adventually my friend found out and also that I knew. She said to me after that she understood it was akward for me but i still should have told her.

ScottishNewbie · 12/06/2021 23:14

Wow, wow, wow. What a nasty horrible group of friends. You poor thing!
It seems like a much bigger issue than just a friend who is a cheat.
The issue is your DH, and your social circle who apparently all have these secrets you've not been privy to.
I'm so sorry you're having this happen, it can't be easy!

BlueButtercups · 12/06/2021 23:20

OP, you did the right thing, your conscience is clear, let them carry on.. and she's being a DICK for blocking you, so she knows he's messing around, and more fool her.

Time to source new friends Lady, because she will now tell everyone you were trying to destroy her marriage. Poor deluded cow.

Flowers
RogueV · 12/06/2021 23:25

Wow. Wife is obviously in denial.
Seems like you’re the only one with morals! Sorry you’re going through this

UhtredRagnarson · 12/06/2021 23:34

Look OP you did the right thing. What she does is up to her but you have done all you could.

As for your DH…. We’ll he has clearly kept this from you for a long time and all his friends were in on it. I have to wonder why he would happily discuss with all his friends but not you. I’d be thinking he has his own secret that his friends are keeping for him too.

You have some thinking to do.

paniniswapx3 · 12/06/2021 23:43

@UhtredRagnarson

Look OP you did the right thing. What she does is up to her but you have done all you could.

As for your DH…. We’ll he has clearly kept this from you for a long time and all his friends were in on it. I have to wonder why he would happily discuss with all his friends but not you. I’d be thinking he has his own secret that his friends are keeping for him too.

You have some thinking to do.

Completely agree with this. So sorry Op.
EvilPea · 12/06/2021 23:44

@UhtredRagnarson

It is generally the way it goes.

Really? How much experience of affairs do you have?

Well they aren’t for me. But I’ve seen my fair share of fall outs.
Blankspace101 · 12/06/2021 23:58

When you say young girl I assume you mean an adult woman. If so keep your beak out of your friends marriage as it’s really nothing to do with you. Unless you like being involved in creating drama.

abstractprojection · 12/06/2021 23:59

Goodness really sorry about this OP

I couldn’t keep up a friendship and allow someone to confide in me while pretending to not know. Either have to make my excuses and avoid ever seeing her every again or tell

But yeah a risk is that she doesn’t believe you, doesn’t want to or the husband plants his story first.

I’d also be very concerned about this friendship group

WanderingLost167 · 13/06/2021 00:05

Shes made her choice, decided what she is happy to to put up with, for whatever reason. You have no idea why.

Back away from this now, you'd said your piece.

grandmashotdoodlebugs · 13/06/2021 00:10

I rest most the thread.
Your husband is an arse too.

This exact thing happened to me and my husband brushed it all to the side and promised me he would deal with it and have a proper
Word.

Except he didn't.

Two years later, same thing again, except my friend now had a 6 month old.

Turns out my now ex husband was complicit in the affair.

Tell your friend yourself. Do not trust men on this matter.

PurpleMustang · 13/06/2021 00:18

@Lora918

She just called me back. And said thank you for today I'd be very happy if you don't mention this to anyone else. People might assume the wrong thing.

I'm so so shocked

As she has blocked you and shooting you as the messenger i would be tempted to get a message to her to say "too late, seems I and then you was the last to know, ask xxxx about her, they met her at dinner" He is obviously lying to her about who she is and who knows, she thinks only you and DH do, as everyone else has kept stum she thinks they don't.
paniniswapx3 · 13/06/2021 00:19

Perfect response @PurpleMustang

crochetcrazy1978 · 13/06/2021 00:27

I've been in a similar situation and told the bloke that if he didn't tell her I would. He didn't so I told her. It was awful but I couldn't not tell her. She was too good a friend

grapewine · 13/06/2021 00:28

I'd send what PurpleMustang wrote and then step back from all of them. Sorry to say I'd also reconsider my relationship. He keeps secrets very easily, your husband. Or so it seems.

JustJoinedRightNow · 13/06/2021 00:33

This is shocking, sounds like the plot of Doctor Foster to be honest.

I’d be rethinking things about my DH. The level of lying and hiding things within that group is despicable.

DeathStare · 13/06/2021 01:12

Dh has always treated me perfect
As far as you know. Remember a couple of days ago another woman was - and maybe still is - thinking the same thing.

Two things you should learn from this:

  1. Your DH doesn't seem to think cheating is a big deal if there are tensions in a marriage and as ,long as the person doesn't get caught.
  2. DH and his friends will cover for a cheater, including accepting this as part of their social circle, and lying about it - including to you - for years.

If you feel secure in your marriage right now you are just as deluded as your friend.

BlueButtercups · 13/06/2021 01:39

@Blankspace101

When you say young girl I assume you mean an adult woman. If so keep your beak out of your friends marriage as it’s really nothing to do with you. Unless you like being involved in creating drama.

OP's deluded friend has found the Thread 🤣