Is my daughter missing out by marrying young?

[ScottishBlanket]

My daughter is early 20s and has just announced she is engaged to her boyfriend who she’s being going out with since she was 16/17. They have recently got a house together and have a dog and seem very settled and happy. We really like him and they are happy together so I’m mostly thrilled.
But part of me looks back on my twenties/other people my daughters age lives and I worry she is missing out. I had a great time (mostly) in my twenties being single, dating, going out lots and living with my friends. I then married and had kids in my thirties and this didn’t feel too old at all, so I don’t really understand their desire to ‘settle down’ yet. I remember DD used to watch Friends and say she wanted to live in an apartment in New York or London with her friends, and I wonder if she is giving up a whole decade of her life by settling down and living like an old married couple now. I think it’s partly/mostly due to covid, but DD has been seeing less of her friends since she moved in with her boyfriend and when she does see them she hosts them in her house/garden in a bit of a formal way. Her little dinner parties and ikea trips on the weekend are very different to the fun memories I have of my twenties/friends kids social lives and I can’t help thinking she should ‘live a little’ and there will be time for this when she’s older and she’ll never get her twenties back/may regret missing out-especially if she ends up divorcing (no reason to think they would). I know people are different, and meet life partners at different stages and she is very happy so I’d never mention this to her but I can’t help feeling a bit of doubt/that she is giving up a lot to get married young and hasn’t thought it through. But I absolutely don’t want her to break up with her boyfriend-I just wish in a way they had met a bit later in life as I think she would have enjoyed living with her friends/having independent adventures in her twenties. Can anyone who settled down young reassure me?

We were 20 and 21 when we got married. Never felt we missed out on anything. If they’ve bought a house together they are pretty committed.

My daughter married at 21. She had been to Uni, but met her husband at work. She is in her early 30s, her husband has a great job ( yes I know it's not all about money), her kids are growing and she has picked a career. She will have her mortgage paid by mid 40s. She has a great life and is happy. I did worry about her marrying so young, but it's worked for her

The house sounds great, being settled is fine - but the marrying, no. Difficult to disentangle, difficult to divorce, she'll lose the house, lots of misery.

She can live the life she wants without that.

I married at 21 (the first time 😁). DS1 is 22 and has been living with his one and only gf since he was 18 (they met when they were 16). My DSis also married the only BF she had at 19 and she's 47 now, still happily married.

I met my ex-DH at 19, moved in 5 months later and married at 21. I was pregnant at 25.

Even though we split up I don't regret it at all. We had so much fun together, lots of parties and friends over. 2 beautiful children. I have always felt so lucky we met so young as I didn't go through all the boyfriends and break-ups some friends went through. Having to live in shared houses with people they didn't particularly get on with or renting tiny flats with landlords to deal with. While I had my own little house I could decorate and do as I liked with. I'm now late 30s and have a couple of friends who haven't settled down. The dating scene sounds hellish and they both long to be married and have children. So I feel very lucky indeed I met my ex-DH so young. We are still good friends and it is lovely to have a shared history going back to our teens.

I didn’t settle down young, I was mid 30s and there was always that increasing worry about not meeting someone and settling down. I had a nice decade, did some interesting travel, but I would far rather have met somebody sooner and shared that time with someone to be honest.

Your daughter is not settling down stupidly young (i.e. she is not a teenager), I think she is fortunate to have met her person young.

I understand why you feel like this but i do think YABU. Its her life, you said you like her boyfriend and they are settled and happy. Shes not you and wants different things in life than you did and thats fine.

I met my partner at 21, bought a house with him at 22, had children at 23 & 24. We got married at 28 and had another baby at 38. We've been together nearly 20 years and are very happy.

I never enjoyed the whole 'going out scene' and didnt want to travel, met new people etc - it just wasnt/isnt me. However, my husband did all that before we got together so was ready to settle down when we met (we are very different people - even now).

Just support her decisions and be there for her if it does go wrong, but theres no reason to suspect it will.

@Soupforoneplease plenty of people have moved abroad for work and kept their partners (married or not). Of course all things equal - being single means you can do whatever you want , but how much that’s curtailed in a relationship really depends on the type of relationship. Without more information we can’t judge.
For example DP and I are professionals and like the idea of each of us working in different countries. We know that eventually we would pick one, or move to another all together.
Furthermore a lot of people simply don’t want adventure. If they were single they’d carry on doing the exact same thing - just alone.
In the end it really depends. Being a low earner with a mortgage is very different from being a professional couple with multi continent careers. Again different from a married student couple (I know married PhD students).

I was pregnant at 21. 16 years later we are still together and I regret nothing. Others around me going out and dating desperately looking for the ‘one’ when I had found mine. We may have missed out on holidays, nights out etc in twenties but our kids are teenagers now so we get to do these things now.

Oh, it’s so difficult. I fell in love with my boyfriend when we were both 16. After many years and ups and downs we’re finally in the process of splitting up, aged 30. I’ve accepted I probably won’t have children now. I don’t think I could go through a relationship again - not after the messy protraction of this one. Selling our house, etc. The emotional turmoil. I feel exhausted at the thought of having to build up intimacy and trust again with another person.

I think falling in love aged 16 is a curse. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Having said that, you can’t plan for these things. If your daughter’s happy now, it will be impossible for them to split up. She’ll have to ride it out - and they might stay together; they might not. She just needs to try to stay in touch with her intuition and make sure she develops other interests and friendships outside the relationship with her boyfriend.

The moving abroad - that’s very easy to do as a couple, and even easier when married if it’s somewhere with a tricky visa process. So that’s an administrative benefit of the marriage in terms of any dreams she might have had of living abroad.

I married and had dc#1 in my early 20s.
Yes, in some ways I missed out. However I'm now in the situation that the dc are independent and getting more so as my friends are still struggling with young dc.
It just shifts the independent time.

Would I do it again? Yes. My choice, and what I wanted.

What I do feel I missed out on was the discussing of dc when they were at the same age with my friends. So they were all talking about what nursery/primary to choose when I was looking at secondary schools. I don't want to always be the one going "been through that, got the t-shirt, my experience," I'd like to have been discussing it as both going through it, if that makes sense.

I had 2 dc with my dp by the time I was 23. We met when I was 19. I am 31 now and we are still together and own our own home. We had and still have lots of fun together. I dont feel I missed out on anything starting young. If anything, due to disability (me) I feel if I hadn't done it then, then it never would have happened

I married in my early to mid 20s after being together from 19.

We lived abroad, travelled lots and had amazing fun with two kids in tow and a mortgage.

Watching my other friends ‘have fun’ meant one skint shit trip travelling, and lurching from one bad relationship to another with massive unhappiness around it.

I know they looked at me and thought I was mad but 20 years later I still think we had a lot more fun.

I married young and had 5 DC by 27. Own a house, still went to uni, have travelled just with children in tow which is obviously different but still fun. Used to see and occasionally go out with friends pre-covid and I honestly don’t feel like I’ve missed out on anything! My single friends dating lives sound messy and complicated, I’m not sure I could be bothered with any of that. I feel fortunate I met my DH young if anything, I didn’t have to kiss as many frogs first.

Your DD sounds sensible, I’d be nothing other than proud of her.

One thing I’ve enjoyed is having teens as I approach my 40s/ in my mid thirties. I’ve done a lot with them, Kayaked in the sea, climbed, rode bikes and generally had a whale of a time doing outdoor sports. You looking at your daughter daughter now is the same as me looking at women of the same age with babies/ toddlers/ buggies tied down while I climb cliffs or swim in the sea etc. I’m having fun and the last thing I’d have wanted at that stage in life was 3 under 5s.
We’re different, one way isn’t better- she will do what she prefers.

DH and I haven’t split either, there’s something to be said for 30 years of fun together. I’ve have date nights, romantic breaks etc and fun… just I’ve been happy with one person. There’s nothing wrong with that if it works.

Have they been together a while- yes? Is her DH to be a decent man and not a manchild, narcissist, dirty old man etc- no he's a decent man.

I think you should be pleased and not have the doubts you have.

you can be married to the kindest, most supportive person and still feel trapped. Being single in your early twenties is about that chance to do exactly what you want. Want to move to America and work in a summer camp? Do it. Want to go out spontaneously on a Wednesday night? Go for it. Want to move to Brighton? Why not? Having a partner means you have to run these decisions past someone else. My cousin is struggling with this at the moment, she's been offered a job abroad, he doesn't want to leave his career. It's easy to live your dreams if there's only one of you to consider.

Yep and that's exactly what I did, I went to the US by myself for 4 months. My DH followed the career path he wanted which has taken him all over the world. We're currently living apart in the week whilst he finishes up a temporary assignment in another part of the country. I am looking to do a work exchange abroad on a short term basis.

I have NEVER felt trapped. Yes of course we discuss decisions but I don't resent that because he is the person I share my life with and having a person to share the burden of life far outweighs the fact that a discussion needs to be had rather than just considering myself. I am immensely grateful I have been in the position to have had someone else to consider in my life thus far, it's a privilege, not a trap. But it's very important, especially in a young marriage, to make sure you don't just press pause because you're married. We've never done that.

If you've held yourself back because of a relationship, you haven't found the right person.

Yes she will be missing but but the people who did the same as your DD won’t be able to know what they missed to articulate it. The best thing to do is to just focus on supporting her rather than focus on what she is missing - you can always help plug some of the gaps in her experience after marriage by taking her out on Mum-Daughter holidays etc. I have a friend who married at 18 and her Mum always used to pick a country and take her on holidays she knew she would like once every 2-3 years - she saw the pyramids / great wall of china / grand canyon etc. She would also give her money to go on holidays with her OH who preferred beach type holidays.

We were home owners at 21, whilst pregnant with our first baby. Still happy now, 13 years later, a few more children. We got together at 19.
Don’t regret any of it. I enjoyed my job, my other half went self employed and built his own business, successfully.

We now live abroad, and look forward to enjoying our 40s knowing the children will be older and off doing their own things.

So pleased we bought our own house when we were still young, and had our children, before moving early 30s to start a new adventure abroad.

Don’t feel we’ve missed out on anything!

Not everybody is the same. I got engaged to my now DH when I was 18, we had a long engagement, got married at 27 and have been married for 5 years this year with 2 kids. Life can be difficult sometimes and we work incredibly hard, but I wouldn't go back and change it for anything. I love my husband and my children.

I think you shouldn't compare your daughter to you.
If she is happy then it doesn't matter if that happiness is coming from wild girls night out and travelling or if it comes from settling down with the man she loves.

Honestly, I don't think she is missing out or will feel that way but then I got married at 21 and have been blissfully happy since so what do I know

Can anyone who settled down young reassure me?

Met my future husband when we were 16 and 18, engaged a year later, married a year later, had a mortgage before I was 20. Now have a paid off mortgage and been together for over 40 years. Never missed out on a thing and consider my self blessed to have been lucky enough to meet so young.

I'm 25, been married nearly 6 years. I met my husband the month I turned 18, I've still managed to have fun, I'm not miserable and I've not missed out on anything.

She will know that you're not keen on the idea.

@Ozanj completely agree. You don't know what you haven't had and some won't allow themselves to consider what could have been. I can't see what ten extra years of being comfortable in a relationship can bring you in terms of personal growth. Few people think 'oh I wish I'd never done all that travelling and clubbing I wish I'd had more time infront of Netflix and worrying about what we do if the boiler breaks!'