Is my daughter missing out by marrying young?

[ScottishBlanket]

My daughter is early 20s and has just announced she is engaged to her boyfriend who she’s being going out with since she was 16/17. They have recently got a house together and have a dog and seem very settled and happy. We really like him and they are happy together so I’m mostly thrilled.
But part of me looks back on my twenties/other people my daughters age lives and I worry she is missing out. I had a great time (mostly) in my twenties being single, dating, going out lots and living with my friends. I then married and had kids in my thirties and this didn’t feel too old at all, so I don’t really understand their desire to ‘settle down’ yet. I remember DD used to watch Friends and say she wanted to live in an apartment in New York or London with her friends, and I wonder if she is giving up a whole decade of her life by settling down and living like an old married couple now. I think it’s partly/mostly due to covid, but DD has been seeing less of her friends since she moved in with her boyfriend and when she does see them she hosts them in her house/garden in a bit of a formal way. Her little dinner parties and ikea trips on the weekend are very different to the fun memories I have of my twenties/friends kids social lives and I can’t help thinking she should ‘live a little’ and there will be time for this when she’s older and she’ll never get her twenties back/may regret missing out-especially if she ends up divorcing (no reason to think they would). I know people are different, and meet life partners at different stages and she is very happy so I’d never mention this to her but I can’t help feeling a bit of doubt/that she is giving up a lot to get married young and hasn’t thought it through. But I absolutely don’t want her to break up with her boyfriend-I just wish in a way they had met a bit later in life as I think she would have enjoyed living with her friends/having independent adventures in her twenties. Can anyone who settled down young reassure me?

Honestly I think you just have to support her and be happy for her. She isn't you and people mature at different ages. If she was 17 or 18 I'd be a bit suspicious, but she's in her 20's and she is an adult. Let her life her life OP. If you did mention anything I don't think it would split them up, but she might resent you for it.

I met my husband when I was 19. I've had a life I could only dream of as a kid. I'm 30 next month and I haven't missed out on anything because we've done so much together

I’d be concerned about her limiting her study/work options (to prioritise her relationship) and having DC young, then breaking up.

Since the odds of them breaking up are well over 50/50, the most likely scenario if they have DC young would be her being a single mum with him having the DC every other weekend etc. Not the end of the world, but not ideal either.

I’d have concerns too with little life experience behind her and no other partners I’d not have high hopes the vows would last a lifetime as they are meant too. It’s only naturally to worry for children even when they are adults.

I do worry that we focus on 'the one' too much. I think it's a romantic ideal that we propagate because it also gives us security.

I actually met 'the one' in uni. We were pretty perfect and totally in tune. Together 2 years and talked about marriage. But, as good as the sex was, I couldn't really ever get over the lack of inches and the feeling that at 21, I wasn't ready to be with just one person.

Dh, after a few more years, was the next 'the one'.

Read about the age old tale of getting together young, spending decades together and one eventually cheating. That would be the only concern I have.

Come to think of it though - what is the rush for your daughter to get ‘married’ rather than just live together?

@LateAtTate

Come to think of it though - what is the rush for your daughter to get ‘married’ rather than just live together?

Who says there’s a rush? They’ve been together several years and we don’t know how long the engagement is. It’s pretty normal to want to get engaged and married after you’ve been together a while :)

I'm 22 engaged to my partner of 6 years with an 11 month old - I still do absolutely everything I desire to (pre-Covid). I've done multiple girls holidays, I've traveled to 33 countries, I see my friends at least once a week, we've backpacked around SE Asia and are now looking at taking our son to Thailand for a month next year (Covid depending). Life doesn't end when you get married, have children settle down etc but I think it definitely depends on the individual and what their interests are in general anyway

I married in my mid 20's which was pretty normal within my circle of friends. I don't think that's particularly young to settle down but I woukd hate my kids to stick with their first partner from age 16 or 17.

I had (lots of) boyfriends between 15-25 and definitely lived life to the full! Due to Covid, my eldest is already not doing lots of the things I did so I feel he's already missed out on 18 months of 'living'. I wouldn't say anything obviously but would be sad if he met a girl next week and was then with her for the rest of his life.

I can see your point. Several couples that I know that settled down together in their early 20s did end up separating in their 30s/early 40s and most of them said a feeling that they had missed out was a contributing factor. I wouldn't say any of them have been able to recapture what they felt they missed out on though.

Having said that, they sound happy and there would be no point breaking up over a possible grass is greener on the other side scenario. And there are plenty of fun things they can do together. Hopefully they will get a chance to travel together etc post-Covid.

I'm going to go against the grain here and say it's not ideal. To the people who said 'I met my husband at 21/22/23' that's not Op's dd's situation. She met her dp as a 16 year old. So she's already spent a lot of her youth as part of a couple.

I would argue that even being part of a couple holds you back. I went to a local uni because of DP, which meant that if anyone invited me for short notice drinks I sometimes had to say no as Dp and I had made (boring) plans.
Same with my career. He was settled in his and so I had to chose jobs which were close to our house. He couldn't give up his established job for me to move to an entry level one somewhere else. I couldn't have lived on just my wage.
I wanted to travel but we had a mortgage. Even little things like going to teach in Spain, I felt out of sorts living in someone else's spare room and having a mum type cook for me as id had my own house and cooked for myself since I was 18! I just didn't feel like the other people on the placement because my suburban, domestic, slightly middle aged life was so different to theirs. They were planning their next adventure, and I was desperately applying for jobs so I could carry on paying the mortgage when I got back.
And yes I think you miss out by not shagging people. You do not know sexually what you're into at 16/17 and I think women come into their own in their thirties, at which point you might find you're with someone who you're not sexually compatible with. No one can say that you can replicate that first, intense sexual encounter with someone by getting a few sex toys and using them with their husband of 30 years.
I suppose I can make up for lost time when I'm in my forties but I feel those sort of experiences (clubbing, youth hosteling, interrailing, backpacking around Asia) are really best enjoyed when you have the innocence, fearless, resilient beauty of youth. My back hurts now if I sleep in a tent for two nights and I don't fancy a henna tattoo on my wrinkled arm. There are some things which unfortunately I will never get a chance to do.
Keep talking to your dd about her dream to move abroad. I guarantee that dream is still there, she's just burying it under whatever Mrs Hinch persona she thinks she needs to be. Social media has a lot to answer for, people genuinely are having babies and getting married for the SM likes. Check that she doesn't forget what she actually wants.

Me and my DH met through mutual friends on a night out when we were 18 and both in different schools at sixth-form. We've basically been joined at the hip ever since almost a decade later . It's not what we thought would happen - if you'd asked me a few months earlier I wouldn't have foreseen my life taking this path. I also feel uncomfortable with the whole 'soul mates' stuff and the 'when you know, you know' stuff as obviously loads of people think they knew and were wrong after all...but it does all sort of feel like it applies to us, embarrassingly! We've never known adult life without each other, we are very happy together. We've never been massive party animals and in any event we have never had much money so we wouldn't have been partying and travelling all the time anyway. We got married at 20, had our first DC at 24 and no.2 is on their way. I think our mid-late 20s would have been more care-free and we'd probably own our own house already if we hadn't have been having the kids. However that's all because of family planning choices not because we are a couple. We have always enjoyed a variety of social events and hobbies both as a couple and independently of each other. I don't feel we restrict each others lives in any way, actually the opposite as we are a great support for each and we are quite different personality wise so have different skills to help each other out.

I just wonder what kind of marriages people are in that they feel like they can't be care free. Does care free literally just mean sleep around? I've been married 10 years and it hasn't held me back in the slightest, I've travelled where I've wanted to go, taking the job opportunities I've wanted, my husband goes away for months at a time for his work, I meet with friends as I please. Genuinely can't think what I would have done or would do that I can't because I'm married?

If we split I can't think of what I'd regret because we've both always supported each other in getting what we've wanted out of life, he has been an addition, a partner to share life with, he hasn't taken anything away.

The average age of divorce is 45. The average length of marriage at divorce is 12 years. So I would dispute that getting married young is necesarily more of a risk for divorce.

That said, I have long thought that classing a marriage as "failed" just because it ends is silly. Like any other legal contract, it ends when it stops working for either party.

If a couple are already living together, sharing bills and with a jointly owned or rented house, marriage does actually formalise that partnership and give the lower-earning partner more protection in law should the marriage break down.

Admittedly, that means that the higher-earning (or asseted) person is more at risk of losing it in a divorce vs a cohabitation breakdown. Guess it depends where your child sits in the equation!

You are, like many parents, imposing your view on how life should be lived onto your DD

The world has changed, you are probably gen X and were in your 20s during the 99s

The 90s were a great time to be single and in your 20s but the world has changed a lot

Everyone has their own path to happiness

Can you try and rethink it as her being lucky?

FWIW, DH and I got together at 20, and had lots of fun and adventures together No regrets to not having slept around a lot or missing the whole clubbing scene

Well there's nothing you can do is there OP? So may aswell embrace it, particularly as you like her partner so much.

I guess ideally I'd prefer it if my kids lived a bit more before settling down too, like I did, but not everyone wants to do that.

Well for some people nothing beats seeing the world and going crazy as a single 20something. The freedom and sense of adventure and potential is exhilarating (well. It was for me) . But most people only do it for a year or two if they’re lucky anyway. The vast majority don’t do it at all. And some do it because they think “that’s what I’m supposed to do as a 20something”. Not because they have an irresistible urge for physical travel and adventure.

“Missing out” is an entirely subjective notion. You can only answer that for yourself not for someone else.

I met dh when I was 16 and he was 20. Married at 21/25. DCs in late 20's and early 30's. We celebrate our ruby wedding next year. We had lors of fun together both before and after marriage, once dc's came along we still had fun, but different IYSWIM. As a pp said, we have grown together and he is my best friend. That doesn't mean we do not have our own interests and hobbies.
Not everyone hankers after the life you had in your 20's. It sounds as though your dd has been brought up to be able to make her own life decisions and to be confident about those decisions. Your job now is to be there for her to celebrate her successful choices and support her if things go awry. Trust her. She is the product of the upbringing you gave her.

Everyone is different, me and oh married at 19 and 20, bouhht a house, had 2 babies and still carried on with festivals, music venues, saw our friends all the time.
We were the youngest out of our friends, most of who are still with the same partners of that time, they just married later.
We are in our 50s now and life is still as good.

@userchange7643 you can be married to the kindest, most supportive person and still feel trapped. Being single in your early twenties is about that chance to do exactly what you want. Want to move to America and work in a summer camp? Do it. Want to go out spontaneously on a Wednesday night? Go for it. Want to move to Brighton? Why not? Having a partner means you have to run these decisions past someone else. My cousin is struggling with this at the moment, she's been offered a job abroad, he doesn't want to leave his career. It's easy to live your dreams if there's only one of you to consider.

My DD got with her partner when they were 17. They are now 36 and have decided to not have children. My DD still went on separate holidays/festivals/nights out. She's persued her career and bought a house in her name only. Her partner has a rented out house, that is his. They both have good mental health. She hasn't done some things, like be abused by a boyfriend, been in scary situations, been murdered, as two of her friends have been by boyfriends, been sexually assaulted by a date, or assaulted. One of her friends started something similar to only fans and ended by committing suicide because of what it did to her mental health.

My DD who is 25 has settled young, she has two children. Her friends follow a similar list, with dying in car accidents added, because there's been drug/drink/dangerous driving.

My youngest DD friends could add in abortions, from drunken mistakes.

Living carefree doesn't work out well for all young women. Many look back and see wasted opportunities to move towards getting on the housing ladder. I've never knew such levels of anxiety in my peer group in the 80's, as there is today. Mental health seems to never have been poorer.

If you are starting to have late night worries, could you be in Peri/menopause? That's one of the first signs

I dunno. I got married at 22, been married 9 years. So not the distant past. Had loads of fun, achieved loads, marriage is not the beginning of the end.

"Want to move to America and work in a summer camp? Do it. Want to go out spontaneously on a Wednesday night? Go for it. Want to move to Brighton? Why not?"

That's not going to be feasible for a lot of lower income people, or those moving up the career ladder. Going out spontaneously on a Wednesday night shouldn't have to be ran past your partner if there's no children. I don't know any of my three adult DD'S friends who have to do that.