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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Feeling rubbish because of something which happened at the school's gates

324 replies

Banana7 · 11/06/2021 16:18

Hi,

I'm not in the best place right now. I'm feeling judged and not liked by other parents in my son's class (Year 1). As a shy and very unconfident woman, I'm trying really hard when I do school drop and pick up to at least say hi to someone but it always costs me.
I know about 4/5 mums and we do little things with the children but I always have to force myself to organise play dates and so forth (the offers rarely come from them) . My son is on the spectrum for ASD and finds socialising a struggle at best. He hates playgounfs6, birthday parties, soft plays, all the places where you get to know people. Anyway, I'm trying to get him to be with friends outside of school, and I'd like to be on good terms with more parents.

Tonight, this is what happened and now I'm feeling depressed as I feel I've been attacked, and I don't understand why. I was walking off with my son after school when something hit me hard at the back of my foot. I yelped in pain and turned around "Ouch". This little girl was on her scooter behind me, and apologised. The mum apologised too and said "Sorry, she let go". I saw an opportunity to talk to someone new and bent down to speak to the little girl, and said in a really playful mode "Ouchee, that really hurt"... I was of course going to straight away make a nice comment on her scooter, or ask her if she was in my son's class (she is) but the mum rudely cut me off and walked off, saying to her daughter "She's not hurt, let's go, come on". And that was it. I felt stranded, being treated like dirt and I just didn't know what to do. Of course, I now can't stop thinking about it. I don't want it to ruin my weekend but the way things are at the moment, I'm worried my mental health (already fragile) is going to spiral down. I could really do with some support.

OP posts:

Squiz81 · 11/06/2021 18:45

The other mum was a bit abrupt, but you don’t know what else she’s got going on right now…or maybe she is also very shy and can’t handle talking to strangers.

Don’t dwell on this, but also take it as an experience to learn from. Don’t try too hard to push friendships, especially on the school run. Most parents want to drop and run. You may find friends via other activities.

To be honest if you had said that to one of my kids I’d have assumed you were telling them off.

Original poster

Banana7 · 11/06/2021 18:45

Thank you. My exact feelings. I find the school gates very stressful, just wished I had some friends or kind hearted souls to briefly chat to when queuing or waiting for my son...

OP posts:

me4real · 11/06/2021 18:46

I'm planning to be over friendly with that mum as her daughter is in my little boy's class and after school club.

@Banana7 You could do that. But then you're setting yourself up to be hurt again if she's not very nice. Learn to protect yourself emotionally rather than constantly doing all the running.

Could you have ASD yourself do you think? (I say that as someone who has it. I used to get so upset at how people responded to me. Now I try and accept myself. The EMDR helped a lot.)

SchrodingersImmigrant · 11/06/2021 18:47

I'm planning to be over friendly with that mum as her daughter is in my little boy's class and after school club.

Please don't.

Deedyn · 11/06/2021 18:47

Hi OP, please don’t feel bad. We all have made mistakes when talking with other people wishing afterwards we’d not said it, and that’s all this is. Also don’t try so hard with making friends, there’s really no need.
Lesson learned and move on. I hope you feel better about things soon.

DinaofCloud9 · 11/06/2021 18:47

You don't need to be over friendly with her just because your children are in the same class. You need to relax a bit. It sounds a bit full on.

TheWatersofMarch · 11/06/2021 18:48

OP please don't let this get you down. The learning from this is that is someone apologises for something move straight to a positive comment if you care about the relationship. The other Mum was rude and dismissive though. If my child had done that I would be solicitous about the welfare of the other person even though I and the child had apologised. I can tell from your comment that you are a caring and kind person who wants to get on well with others. Good people will find that out so please hang on in there. I hated school drop off and pick up, not conducive to making friends. You have a lovely weekend

WorraLiberty · 11/06/2021 18:49

@Banana7

Wow, so many responses!!! I'm amazed at the level of interest this post got. My intention was NEVER to chastise the little girl. On the contrary, that was said in a very playful tone with a smile. The mum basically didn't give me a chance to say anything else. I'm in such a bad place for other reasons right now that I read negativity in lots of things. Thanks to the people who understood how bad I'm feeling and who provided words of support instead of making me feel even worse than I feel. I'm planning to be over friendly with that mum as her daughter is in my little boy's class and after school club.

I'm planning to be over friendly with that mum as her daughter is in my little boy's class and after school club.

Please don't come across as too eager as that can be very off-putting for some people and make them feel awkward/anxious.

I'd go with a nod and a friendly smile and build it up slowly from there, whilst of course 'reading her' as best you can.

me4real · 11/06/2021 18:49

I would have assumed you were prolonging the 'argument,' too. As well as it sounds like she was in a rush.

It's all a learning curve and you can only learn from stuff you do and try and handle things in different ways etc.

WorraLiberty · 11/06/2021 18:52

@Banana7

Thank you. My exact feelings. I find the school gates very stressful, just wished I had some friends or kind hearted souls to briefly chat to when queuing or waiting for my son...

Can you look into joining a parent friendship group?

If you find the school gates stressful, do you think that may be because you're putting too much pressure on yourself and others to make friends?

You could always try to arrive a bit later so you're just on time rather than early.

ChanedForThisPost · 11/06/2021 18:54

OP you might want to reconsider being 'over friendly'. Friendly, yes , but many are put off by the over friendly approach. It can feel fake and forced.

Be friendly, smile but take it easy. You might scare her off

Worstyear2020 · 11/06/2021 18:54

Many of us find school runs awful, I am so happy that I don't have to do it anymore.

At least your LO don't like parties and playdates, I used to have so much quilt about people not inviting my kids back because I am not friends with their parents. This was when they were young where parents still have to be involved.

Don't let these kind of thing ruin your mental health, that mum sound shallow if she did get upset because of what you said to the little girl.

Not sure if you have joined PTA? It wasn't for me but if you force yourself to be in every meeting, volunteer every event, people will start to communicate with you if this is what you want.

Personally, I went back to work, I am technical and can make like minded friends at work much easier than with school gate mums.

Mollymarvelous · 11/06/2021 18:54

You sound socially awkward and that will make you say weird stuff in the moment. We all do it !

Just remember people are too busy with their own little lives to care about anyone else . Try to relax and be open . Ask open questions . Don’t be too keen .

SleepingStandingUp · 11/06/2021 18:57

I think it's helpful to see YOUR REACTION in the context of your already fragile mental health op.

You tried to be friendly but it didn't convey v clearly. If DS hurt you by accident, we both apologised then you squared down to tell him again how much it hurt, I'd assume you were angling for more apologies, not that you were making friends. So I'll judged but we all make mistakes. Mom felt you were judging her so stropped off, fair enough.

But now you feel abandoned and are heating yourself up rather than thinking shit, she took it the wrong way, ok next time I see them I'll wave hi to the little girl and smile at Mom and that'll be it

You're using her response to blow it up into a beating up of yourself because of how you're already feeling.

Are you getting any RL support?

LemonRoses · 11/06/2021 19:00

I think I'd refrain from judging why people react as they do - we never know what is going on in people's minds or lives. I'd also stop trying to be over friendly as others will think you are maybe a bit weird.

If your son hates playgrounds and soft play etc, don't force him into it for your own friendship needs. My experience is that these are not the place you make friends anyway.

Can you join the PTA? That way you will have tasks to focus on with others and that opens up opportunities to 'catch people' a the school gate and builds friendships.

Thirtyrock39 · 11/06/2021 19:03

I sympathise op as I really overthink awkward social situations or make them awkward in my head when they're no big deal
Remember that you never know what's going on with someone else- the mum could be frazzled and having a difficult day with her own kid or in a rush or had just had a rubbish day, not all parents want to pal up at the school gate and she might just be a bit anti social
Nothing you can do now so try to put it behind you

Franklyfrost · 11/06/2021 19:04

You may get the impression that no one cares about you at the school gates and they’re all just there to drop off their children. That’s because no one cares about you at the school gates and they’re all just there to drop off their children.

You’re feeling depressed and have got this out of proportion, if there’s an activity that you can do to give yourself a break this evening please try to be kind to yourself and do it.

toocold54 · 11/06/2021 19:06

Thank you. My exact feelings. I find the school gates very stressful, just wished I had some friends or kind hearted souls to briefly chat to when queuing or waiting for my son...

The school gates are the worst place to make friends as everyone is stressed out or rushing to work/look after other children. Maybe get there extra early to pick him up and people who are also there early will have more time to chat.

JackieTheFart · 11/06/2021 19:08

@korawick12345

Well you are an adult who was hurt accidentally by a child who apologised, whose parent also apologised and then after that you decided to say 'ouchee that hurt" to the child! It's not really surprising the other parent saw you as making a fuss over nothing.

I agree with this tbh. I think you’re way overthinking this.

101spacehoppers · 11/06/2021 19:15

My eldest has ASD. If you and your son find the whole thing stressful, then perhaps just give it a miss? He doesn't have to make friends and may appreciate more downtime and getting away from school ASAP. Dd hates socialising so we don't force it. She's never had a playdate and that's really fine.

I am friendly with a couple of other parents at school, but that's because I know them from other things. Mostly I just stare into space or give a quick hi. Concentrate on developing friendships away from school.

Clangerschick · 11/06/2021 19:19

If you bent down and proceeded to say what you said into my sons face after we had both apologised id have been very pee’d off and cross thinking you were telling him off. I’d prob have snapped ‘we’ve both said sorry accidents happen what more do you want?’ And thought you were not a nice person. If you’d then tried to be over friendly I’d think get lost you rude cow and not wanted to know you.
Sorry but it’s the truth.

CaptainBarbossa · 11/06/2021 19:19

You seem to have very high standards for other peoples behaviour and very low standards for your own. They have to read between the lines and make lots of effort, and all you have to do is show up and say something (anything, doesn't have to be relevant or kind or funny, just have to open your mouth).

Why not judge other people the way you judge yourself (with a low bar) instead of expecting them to plug the gaps in your social abilities? You never know what's going on for other people, that person who didn't make a play date might not have any time, they might be in the middle of organising hospice care for a relative, dealing with family court, or have broken ribs from their violent husband. They might be suffering from terrible pain, or in a hurry to get somewhere. They might have just had a bad review at work and be terrified they are going to lose their job. Why assume it's an attack on you in some way? Maybe they were defensive or brusque, maybe that was a response to something you did or they didn't even realise. But why automatically assume that their motives are negative whilst also expecting them to assume all your motives are positive? You are setting yourself up for unhappiness here

OrchidLass · 11/06/2021 19:21

Ah, good old Mumsnet. Never misses the opportunity to kick someone, who has already said they're not in a good place, when they're down. Oh and extra points for calling her weird.

I don't actually think the OP handled the situation brilliantly, sometimes we don't, but god some posters love to stick the boot in.

Beach11 · 11/06/2021 19:23

You are over reacting.

mam0918 · 11/06/2021 19:25

You sound need and like very hard work... what you said was also rude given they had appologised and you as an adult addressed it to the child.

If your DS hates playdates maybe stop forcing them on him, you DS school is his place not somewhere for you to be living a social life and you trying to force friendships with other parents should not impact on his comfort in what is essentially his 'workplace'.

I never understand why women think because you pushed children out within the same year you will be friends, make friends of your own based on your personalities and interest not expecting it just off the fact you just both happen to have kids in the same class.

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