To think he is stingy

[whattheefffff]

I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or not.

Been with DP for around 18 months. We discussed him moving in as we live spending time together and miss each other when apart but after some thought he decided not to as financially it wouldn’t make sense for him. He lives with his parents currently and doesn’t have many outgoings. He currently buying a buy-to-let property and plans to continue staying at his parents rent-free. They don’t mind this and are moving abroad soon for 6 months so he will have the house to himself.

My thing is, he has practically moved in with me. He’s here every day other than the weekends he has his kids over and half of the school holidays half terms - his parents house is bigger and they like to see the kids. He doesn’t contribute towards any of my rent, bills or food shopping - although he does buy most of our takeaways (one dinner a week and lunch once or twice a week), and will get us drinks and snacks from the shop sometimes - we tend to take it on turns.

I feel a bit resentful that he is happy for me to pay for all the food shop as well as everything else and not feel like he should contribute. His side so that he could be at his parents not having to pay any rent or bills and he pays for most of the takeaways.

He is also insured to my car and he pays the extra bit to ensure he is covered. I just did the new policy and it’s the same amount with him or without. He doesn’t have to pay anything but I said he should at least contribute towards it so he said he will pay £10 a month towards it - I pay remaining £60. I think that’s stingy! And he could at least pay £20 considering it’s saving him money he would have spent on Uber.

I’ve genuinely found him quite stingy but don’t know if I have unrealistic expectations of a man. I don’t expect to have everything paid for but I do expect a man who is in a position to help to just be a bit more generous. He has the money and has an expensive hobby which costs around £500 a month and I think seeing how easily he can blow cash on this but not contribute towards shopping, bills, car insurance, is making me resentful. I feel like I’d rather he just stays at his parents house and then I won’t have any expectations of him.

Other than the finance stuff he is lovely but this issue around money seems to pop up again and again.

So, what do you think? AIBU?

On top of the mooching off you, which everyone has covered at length (please listen to them as it's rarely this much agreement on MN!), I also really don't like the way he's not listening to your concerns. My DH's always been like that, always got an excuse why he doesn't want to do x, y and z, always got an answer as to why you're being unreasonable.

Someone who genuinely cares about you will listen to your concerns and try and compromise. It kills love in the end OP. No amount of foot rubs makes up for it because ultimately they'll always put themselves and their needs first. Selfish people don't always do everything to suit themselves, they wouldn't have any friends or partners otherwise. They can even come across as very generous spirited, but what they do do is always put themselves first if it's a choice between your needs and theirs. Every. Single. Time.

What I meant to say was

*selfish people sometimes do kind things or make gestures.

@whattheefffff

I do love him :-(

He is lovely other than the finances, we have a lot in common, he is great with my DS and his own kids. He is ambitious and driven, kind, attentive, helps around the house (May need prompting to clean kitchen sometimes but does it) - this financial situation is the only thing that is a problem! Does this make me shallow?

One of the least attractive things about a person is if they're as tight as a duck's arse, and this man squeaks when he walks.

Please please take away the fact you love him and see him for what he is, a tight wad with a sewn-up wallet, who spends £500 on a hobby and lives at his parents' house and treats your house like it's an extension of his parents' house.

Deeply unattractive man-child.

Take him off your insurance even though it doesn't cost anything, it's the principle that counts, he is getting a message from you that he can sling you a quid or two but the main burden of the finances is down to you.

I'd get rid, I detest tight waddery but you probably won't if you love him (sadly).

He said with his ex he used to pay for everything, the rent, childcare costs, he paid for her car deposit - he came out of the relationship worse off

Oh, isn't this soooo revealing about his mindset, @whattheefffff

He thinks about relationships in terms of how much he's had to fork out and the fact he is "worse off". This is a relationship he's talking about, and money spent on his child, and he can't help himself from getting out his Excel spreadsheet and calculating that he's shelling out money and he's out of pocket.

ICKKKKKK!

OP,

You say he is lovely in every other way.

The thing with meanness is that it absolutely goes to the complete core of a persons character.

It affects every thought, every decision they make as they try an come out ahead in every action and transaction.

It directs every single decision they make.

Meanness IS who they are.

You simply CANNOT be a lovely sweet kind person and mean as shit as well.

Not possible.

Meanness is about ALWAYS putting yourself, your needs ahead of everyone.

There is a reason why people dump boyfriends and girlfriends for meanness alone.

Why would anyone want to sign up for that?

Your situation is so much worse because despite having children he is leeching off his parents and a single mother to continue to amass capital for HIS future.

You don't think for a second he will ever be sharing that with you?

Don't kid yourself, he will be long gone.

Don't be used by this leech any longer.

Don't allow him to make a fool and a mug out of you for a bloody foot rub!

You're not sure if he is like this because he paid for everything for his ex???

Well if that's the case then it feels almost worse, as he's knows how awful that was, but is now doing the same to you!

Kick him out. Being mean with money is a very unattractive trait and will always cause issues!

I think all this comes down to the fact that he isn't moving with you. How often does he uses the car? Every day for hours? Otherwise, it's petty. For the food, you've clearly opted for a very expensive budget, you need to discuss that maybe you can buy food and cook when you are together? He could contribute a bit towards the gas and electricity, but all in all, it's hard to believe it costs 200 pounds more a month to have him stay over.

You need to tackle the real issue, where your relationship is going and how committed you both are.

So he's moved in but not officially because that would cost him money.

He's not just stingy, he's a manipulative thief.

As far as the car is concerned, it's not about whether he pays towards the insurance or how much it costs you.

It's the fact that by using your car he doesn't need to use a car of his own!!!! Once again he's being cheap!

Apologies, for posting again, but this has enraged me .

So he will depend £500 on a hobby but nothing on you. Sorry, but that tells you where you are on his list of priorities!

This post is so triggering because their are so many men out there happy to steal from single mothers, and being abusive, manipulative arses. Taking advantage of you nice nature, how we are trained to be people pleasers and make everyone happy. No there is a very dark side to people pleasing and you are living it byt letting a financially abusive man move in by stealth, providing all the infrastructure for a good life and contributing a couple of takeaways. Stop today. Go back to your Gousto for 2, you don't have to justify that choice, take him off the car insurance and ideally just end it, but if you're not ready for that you need to prioritise your own finances and your son's as a matter of absolute urgency. Children are hideously expensive. So are man children. Just get out because he does sound absolutely vile and I have zero respect for anyone who takes from a single mother and her child, but you can stop this. He's not a DP in any sense of the definition. Hopefully the scales have come off and you can tell him to fuck off because he is bleeding you dry very very happily.

Do you have children ?
Do you have spare money to save for your children monthly ?
Because it seems that you are paying to have a man in your home at your expense
Cost of extra food
Cost of extra utilities used

I would start savings & ask him to buy more food if you are cooking

'Your situation is so much worse because despite having children he is leeching off his parents and a single mother to continue to amass capital for HIS future.

You don't think for a second he will ever be sharing that with you?'

Yeah this crossed my mind too. Even if he did buy a house and move into it, do you think he would let you stay in it the way he stays at yours payment free OP? Would he fill the fridge for you and let you drive around in his car, only putting petrol in twice a year?

Or would he demand rent and throw it in your face every time you have an argument that you're living in his house?

Even if it the situation changes, he will still remain the same person.

I noticed you said he's helped his mum and dad with investments and that you are investing too. Hopefully this isn't via him and your money is safe?

Ugh this would clamp my fanny shut faster than you can say cocklodger!

Tightness is just awful!

Well you unfortunately didn’t push enough to sort it out when you did bring it up. Men rely on women being nice about things which is I’m sure why you backed off. Women are conditioned to be like this.

Through life it’s fine for people to not be nice and accommodating all the time. You really need to remember this.

I don’t disagree with some of the posts but just remember that you know this guy, we don’t. It’s easy to let your own experiences of men cloud your judgement and if he is the caring guy you think he is trust your own gut instinct.

What I would say is that it obviously bothers you a lot and nobody likes to feel they are being taken advantage of. So have the conversation and explain that for the stuff you share you need to contribute equally - take the takeaways out the convo and say going forward you are happy to split shared bills 50-50 and pay for your own takeaway xx

It's so obvious you should dump this man. Read what you've written. If it doesn't sink in then, read it again!

He said with his ex he used to pay for everything, the rent, childcare costs, he paid for her car deposit - he came out of the relationship worse off

Bullshit. That's just a thing men say so you don't expect them to contribute financially and be the cool girl otherwise he might end it - I mean you don't want to be like the ex do you? The poor lamb.

Male, 31 who has children & lives with his parents
No responsibilities ?
Does he part own the property where his children live ?

A man child

What attracts you to him ?

So, I spoke to him and explained how I feel. He lashed out emotionally out of anger and basically said that he won't pay towards rent or bills as he isn't on the lease and he didn't ask to move to in.
He said I'm unappreciative because he's done stuff in the house such as I can putting up furniture including my bed - which he obviously benefits from. He said I paid his friend to do a house job (he organised this and I paid), but I didn't pay him to put up the beds and furniture.
He asked what am I contributing to him...and rounded it off with saying, categorically he is contributing to my life whether I want to admit it or not...he agreed with me that we are not compatible. I said something along the lines of ok, that's agreed and hung up. I know him and I know he said a lot of this out of anger but it is how he feels inside I guess. He's tried to call twice and sent a sad face and heartbroken emoji.

I'm just ignoring him for now, I'll let him sweat for a few days and see if he can begin to see things from my perspective. I think any change will be short lived though. I'm prepared to walk away but this so hard, as again, he is great in every other way :-(

I didn't pay him to put up the beds and furniture.

Is he for real? Ask him how much he's ever paid you to cook for him every night he's been round at yours!

His friend was a professional doing a job of work. He was doing something as your partner. Why does that deserve payment but you doing all the cooking doesn't?

Hold your line. Don't get in touch. He thinks that by going on the attack you'd crumble.

Ugh. What a repulsive specimen. He believes that you should be paying him for sex, foot rubs and putting together a bit of flat pack.

You deserve better than somebody who thinks he is of so much greater value of you that he should be paid to enjoy your cooking, your bed, your car and your company. You deserve somebody who thinks you're wonderful, not that he's doing you a favour in fucking you.

OP, he has shown you his true colours. He lashed out because the gravy train is ending. If he cared about you he would have apologised and said let’s work out much I should contribute each week.

The fact that he wanted paying for work on the bedroom furniture is shocking. He is so entitled and will come crawling back not out of love but desperate to get back on the gravy train.

People like this you know it actually pains them to part with their money, and at the same time makes them happy to sponge off others, thinking of the ‘savings’ to themselves, meanness is a horrible negative trait, one of the worst I think.
I have a relative like this, has never changed, actually has got worse over the years.