To think he is stingy

[whattheefffff]

I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or not.

Been with DP for around 18 months. We discussed him moving in as we live spending time together and miss each other when apart but after some thought he decided not to as financially it wouldn’t make sense for him. He lives with his parents currently and doesn’t have many outgoings. He currently buying a buy-to-let property and plans to continue staying at his parents rent-free. They don’t mind this and are moving abroad soon for 6 months so he will have the house to himself.

My thing is, he has practically moved in with me. He’s here every day other than the weekends he has his kids over and half of the school holidays half terms - his parents house is bigger and they like to see the kids. He doesn’t contribute towards any of my rent, bills or food shopping - although he does buy most of our takeaways (one dinner a week and lunch once or twice a week), and will get us drinks and snacks from the shop sometimes - we tend to take it on turns.

I feel a bit resentful that he is happy for me to pay for all the food shop as well as everything else and not feel like he should contribute. His side so that he could be at his parents not having to pay any rent or bills and he pays for most of the takeaways.

He is also insured to my car and he pays the extra bit to ensure he is covered. I just did the new policy and it’s the same amount with him or without. He doesn’t have to pay anything but I said he should at least contribute towards it so he said he will pay £10 a month towards it - I pay remaining £60. I think that’s stingy! And he could at least pay £20 considering it’s saving him money he would have spent on Uber.

I’ve genuinely found him quite stingy but don’t know if I have unrealistic expectations of a man. I don’t expect to have everything paid for but I do expect a man who is in a position to help to just be a bit more generous. He has the money and has an expensive hobby which costs around £500 a month and I think seeing how easily he can blow cash on this but not contribute towards shopping, bills, car insurance, is making me resentful. I feel like I’d rather he just stays at his parents house and then I won’t have any expectations of him.

Other than the finance stuff he is lovely but this issue around money seems to pop up again and again.

So, what do you think? AIBU?

Massively stingy.
Meanness is such an unattractive quality.

No you're not BU. He's tight as a tick. He's living rent free at his parents and taking you for a ride financially as well.

Wow, it's unanimous. I didn't think o was being unreasonable! He's currently gone to his parents house as has the kids. I'll speak to him later and say I think he should stay at his more. It's honestly very unattractive and I've never had a stingy partner before. I think it's down to him being quite careful with money - other than his expensive hobby - and ensuring his future is sorted and he's financially secure (he invests a lot) but while doing this, he's not being thoughtful to my situation. I have a DS and income isn't great.

I think the £50 a week is reasonable. What I've noticed about him is he says a lot but then when it comes down to actually paying up, he doesn't.

He said with his ex he used to pay for everything, the rent, childcare costs, he paid for her car deposit - he came out of the relationship worse off so I'm not sure if he is like he is because he was scorned or because since then he has focused more on his future financial security - I do sometimes feel like she got a great deal! A car deposit of a few grand and I get an offer of £10 a month towards my insurance.

I also don't like that he come back with 'I get most of the takeaways' - that should be on top of everything else.

His redeeming qualities are great, he is very loving, caring, sensitive - but money is a big deal to both of us and he doesn't love me enough to part with it!

Yabu to have to suffer for the financial mistakes he made in the past..
He needs to cough up or buggar off!!

and ensuring his future is sorted and he's financially secure (he invests a lot)

He’s doing this at your expense! What a shit.

He's stingy because everyone is allowing him to get away with it!
What a big piss taking man-baby urgh!
Still living with Mummy and Daddy and sponging off you. How unattractive.

He's not stingy about spending your money is he?

He's not "careful with money" - he's sponging off you. People who are "careful with money" don't blow £500 a month on hobbies. He's just another cocklodger treating a well meaning woman like a hotel service. So what if he could be at his parents instead? He's with you most of the time, at your expense. Seriously bin this one off, he will let you pay for him and then clear off one day with the money he's hoarded.

Re the food - I've been buying gusto boxes. For me and DS, it's £25 as we only need two meals. With DP, it goes up to £35. I asked him to pay the extra £10, and that's when he said he pays for takeaways so shouldn't have to. The thing is though, I've been regularly getting the boxes so we haven't had takeaways really as I've been cooking pretty much most days for last few weeks.

Why should the takeaways be on top of everything else?

It’s definitely not your job to subsidise him, and I don’t know why you do 🤷🏻‍♀️

But it also isn’t his job to subsidise you!

I don't think there's much to admire about someone making themselves "financially secure" by buying a house to rent out and continuing to live with mum and dad for free, and using his partner's car with minimal contribution.

I couldn't put up with this.

It's always tricky in these situations. He sounds like he's living his best life. Everyone financing him gives him very little responsibility towards anything.
When you say he pays for lunches, does he take you out for lunch a couple of times a week? Or just buy food to make lunch? Are the takeaways lavish and expensive?
If he's there making use of your utilities, and you're finding the bills being higher as a result of that, then he should be contributing. I wouldn't have him on your car insurance either. Just stick to your own admin, you don't want to be responsible for any motoring offences he may cause.
I personally wouldn't choose to be with someone like your DP, but you have been with him 18 months. It looks like he's gliding through life, if it's annoying you you have to really talk to him or dump him. Make the right situation for you. All the best.

Don't make excuses for him OP. What happens when you want to go on holiday? Not anything expensive. Let's say five nights in a cheap hotel at £100 per night. Who pays? Would you be able to persuade him to pay half, or would you have to pay up front and he'd "pay you later"? Yeah, right!

I very much doubt he came out worse with his ex, that sounds like an excuse.

He's taking the piss op. He needs to pay you rent and food if he and his dc are with you for the majority of the time. I'd also take him off the car insurance, cheeky fucker

But he doesn’t each a Gousto box meal for breakfast, does he?

I think it’s fine to be careful with money. Don’t even see anything wrong with living with your parents, really - lucky him!

But the question is whether he is careful and exact, or taking the piss.

If you say, “this is what you cost me exactly, so you need to pay it” and he finds that fair - then it’s the former.

That said, it’s perfectly OK to not want a relationship with a person who would count to the penny like that. It wouldn’t suit me. But - it’s not morally repugnant, like someone who expects to live off you.

He makes stingy look generous. And you know what they say about being mean with money and mean with love? I’d get shot.

There is no way I would have a relationship with a man who was happy to

1. Live at his parents rent free (beyond a short term arrangement to get on property ladder -for himself - in early 20s)
2. Made me worse off financially that I would otherwise be (which he is by failing to contribute to bills and food)

Does he pay to fill up your that he uses? How old is he?

You are paying for food, car, rent, he pays nothing. You are currently funding his future!

I’m with @bigbaggyeyes - bollocks is there a “lucky” ex wife here who did well out of him. I’d dump him for that kind of crap, before I dumped him for not paying his way.

@cocomarine This is why I'm unsure if I AIBU or not - with the car, I guess I am asking him to subsidise me as my insurance cost is the same - but I feel like he should contribute as he is benefiting from it, wearing the car out and saving money on Uber costs.

If the car was a one off and he contributed to everything else, I'd prob say not to bother contributing but because he stays every night not contributing towards bills or rent it grates on me more.

I can live and manage my finances alone, I'm just resentful to have to cover an extra grown man who has money but just chooses not to spend it.

He will prob call me soon and I'm not sure what to say. Am I asking for a break or to split up or just for him to be less stingy - but if you have to ask that, is it worth it?!

It looks like he's gliding through life

Yep-with his eye on the prize! He’s trying to spend as little as possible whilst stashing as much as possible away for his future! But not by being frugal, he’s doing it by sponging off you!

How much is he using your car?

[quote whattheefffff]@cocomarine This is why I'm unsure if I AIBU or not - with the car, I guess I am asking him to subsidise me as my insurance cost is the same - but I feel like he should contribute as he is benefiting from it, wearing the car out and saving money on Uber costs.

If the car was a one off and he contributed to everything else, I'd prob say not to bother contributing but because he stays every night not contributing towards bills or rent it grates on me more.

I can live and manage my finances alone, I'm just resentful to have to cover an extra grown man who has money but just chooses not to spend it.

He will prob call me soon and I'm not sure what to say. Am I asking for a break or to split up or just for him to be less stingy - but if you have to ask that, is it worth it?!

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I’d say ‘we need to talk because I’ve had enough’.

Explain everything you’ve said here and how it makes you feel. See if he can/wants to change and there’s your solution.

YANBU.

Being careful & sensible with money is a very good thing. I’m careful, and spending on non-essentials doesn’t come naturally. I don’t sponge off others, though, and I would never allow anyone to sponge off me.

Your boyfriend isn’t just careful, he’s tight, and it’s time for some straight talking. You and him need to have a serious discussion about your attitudes to money. You need to be very blunt about what you see as the issues with his behaviour. His responses will tell you all you need to know. If he acknowledges that he’s been taking the piss, accepts the need to change and then actually does change his behaviour, fine. If he denies, pushes back, refuses to acknowledge the issues and won’t change, that is a serious red flag and you should think twice about this relationship.

Never, ever, ever become financially dependent on a person who is tight, as opposed to sensibly careful, with money.

I would lay it out to him. You need to contribute x amount a week/month. This is why bla bla bla and see how he takes it. If he is fine, then great, if he kicks off, moans etc you know what you need to do!

@whattheefffff

Re the food - I've been buying gusto boxes. For me and DS, it's £25 as we only need two meals. With DP, it goes up to £35. I asked him to pay the extra £10, and that's when he said he pays for takeaways so shouldn't have to. The thing is though, I've been regularly getting the boxes so we haven't had takeaways really as I've been cooking pretty much most days for last few weeks.

If he doesn't want to pay towards it, then fine, off he goes back to his parents' house and he cooks for himself or orders his own takeaway. He doesn't get to free load.

Practise saying that your son needs to be your priority. This man is draining your income away from your dependent child. Doesn't he feel embarrassed at expecting a single mum to buy his food?

Tell him you'll change the box orders to just you and DS from next week and he can make his own dinner arrangements.