To think he is stingy

[whattheefffff]

I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or not.

Been with DP for around 18 months. We discussed him moving in as we live spending time together and miss each other when apart but after some thought he decided not to as financially it wouldn’t make sense for him. He lives with his parents currently and doesn’t have many outgoings. He currently buying a buy-to-let property and plans to continue staying at his parents rent-free. They don’t mind this and are moving abroad soon for 6 months so he will have the house to himself.

My thing is, he has practically moved in with me. He’s here every day other than the weekends he has his kids over and half of the school holidays half terms - his parents house is bigger and they like to see the kids. He doesn’t contribute towards any of my rent, bills or food shopping - although he does buy most of our takeaways (one dinner a week and lunch once or twice a week), and will get us drinks and snacks from the shop sometimes - we tend to take it on turns.

I feel a bit resentful that he is happy for me to pay for all the food shop as well as everything else and not feel like he should contribute. His side so that he could be at his parents not having to pay any rent or bills and he pays for most of the takeaways.

He is also insured to my car and he pays the extra bit to ensure he is covered. I just did the new policy and it’s the same amount with him or without. He doesn’t have to pay anything but I said he should at least contribute towards it so he said he will pay £10 a month towards it - I pay remaining £60. I think that’s stingy! And he could at least pay £20 considering it’s saving him money he would have spent on Uber.

I’ve genuinely found him quite stingy but don’t know if I have unrealistic expectations of a man. I don’t expect to have everything paid for but I do expect a man who is in a position to help to just be a bit more generous. He has the money and has an expensive hobby which costs around £500 a month and I think seeing how easily he can blow cash on this but not contribute towards shopping, bills, car insurance, is making me resentful. I feel like I’d rather he just stays at his parents house and then I won’t have any expectations of him.

Other than the finance stuff he is lovely but this issue around money seems to pop up again and again.

So, what do you think? AIBU?

@louise1051 good point, he is kind and caring and a kind heart. I feel like he loves me a lot, since we met we have been stuck together whenever possible, I get good morning beautiful texts every day if we are apart, he always wants to see me and I'm involved in every part of his life including DC and I have a good relationship with his parents. For a long time I guess I've been accepting that as a trade off for his financial stinginess but I love reached my threshold. Once I start to feel like this, like a PP said, my minge will seize up, I won't be able to have sex or want to do sexual stuff, everything I have to do for him will become a chore and I genuinely won't be a nice person with all the bitterness inside of me. I guess this is me ending it before it all turns sour and I start to really despise him.

Buy this instead of subsidising him

He asked what am I contributing to him

Sorry, OP, but I feel you’ve dodged a real bullet here. He might have the capacity to do nice things, but essentially, he doesn’t sound like a very nice person.

@sappyscurry yes it does pain him to part with his money and I understand it because I also save heavily and am making sacrifices now in order to live a better life in the future. He is at an extreme level though and has been able to get away with it at home, being the youngest and having helped his parents to where they are very comfortable so they don't require his financial contribution.

@sappyscurry I might actually buy that 😂 thanks!

I'm just ignoring him for now, I'll let him sweat for a few days and see if he can begin to see things from my perspective. I think any change will be short lived though. I'm prepared to walk away but this so hard, as again, he is great in every other way :-(

He didn't say it 'out of anger'. This is who he is. This is the real him. You are paying a man for foot rubs, company and sex. That's the relationship. He is not 'great', he's like this because he benefits from it. He just told you exactly what he thinks of you, truly, and you still won't see it for what it is: he's using you. He's using you as a cook, to save on bills (his must be next to nil) and as a convenient bed mate.

And you think he'll see it from your perspective?!

It's very sad to be so desperate for a man, but even sadder that you're willing to continue to pay to have this man in your life when you have yourself and a child to support.

Jesus wept.

And I can guarantee that rental property will be done to the bare minimum, cheap boiler, cheap carpets, no curtains etc.
And will not want to pay for any repairs and will be trying to extract every last penny from tenants deposit.
Basically doesn’t give a damn about anyone else.
Sorry but he’s textbook.
You deserve better

[quote whattheefffff]@sappyscurry I might actually buy that 😂 thanks! [/quote]
And something from Love Honey
Sorted🤣

The thing is, even being forced to a position where you have to spell out the fact that he is living off you and you don't like it...well, it's got to be a massive turn off already right?

He already knows he's got the sweet end of the deal. You know he knows it. He knows you know. It's kind of like a game of chicken. He's backing his cash on the fact that it's an awkward conversation that you don't want to have.

Wonder what he'd be like post-lockdown out for dinner... splitting the bill to the last penny and not leaving a tip.

People who take the piss always react like this. He has told you he will not contribute. He doesn't think he should have to because it is then less for him.

If he did indeed pay for his ex this would stick in my craw.

He should at the very least pay his way. Which means the food he eats, the extra petrol, and wear and tear on the car. The extra electricity even!

He is happy to have you pay increased costs while it sounds like he'd charge you 20p for a teabag and remind you that you had a splash of milk for free.

Not good.

@ahnowted everytime we have eaten out, around four times, due to lockdown, he has paid the bill. I think this is just down to how embarrassing it would look on him to make your girlfriend pay half for the date and that goes against the impression he gives to the world.

@Howshouldibehave

He asked what am I contributing to him

Sorry, OP, but I feel you’ve dodged a real bullet here. He might have the capacity to do nice things, but essentially, he doesn’t sound like a very nice person.

Yes I agree, what an awful thing to say! Please don't stay with this man child.

[quote whattheefffff]@flowerarranger you must not have seen my updates - he's great in every other way just not financially. [/quote]
He literally adds no value to your life. What does he do apart from the bare minimum. He may be ‘amazing in every way’, but this is like the basic standard for any relationship you are paying for him to be in your life. This isn’t a fair exchange.

He’s an absolute sponge and he’s shown his true colours. You should have ran at the first mention of him being ‘worse off’ from his first relationship.

If he cared about you he would be saving for your future together. Properties, investments, planned experiences. He’s not doing that, it’s all for him.

This will go three ways- a) he’ll continue sponging. B) he’ll start to withdraw and slowly line up someone else to play house with and then onto the next. C) he’ll fall for someone who isn’t a doormat and then all of those savings you helped him build will go on her.

Well yeah, he can afford to because you’re subsidising him.

It’s all about creating the illusion of generosity and contribution, because then you’ll remember how he bought you a nandos and actually how he isn’t that bad or mean with money after all…

NO ONE who says he paid 'her' childcare (for his own kids), rent and deposit for a car his own kids used is great, that's why he's divorced.

This is like those threads where the OP starts 'he's a good dad' - you can 100% guarantee that he's a prick.

But you're not prepared to walk away. This man is 10p a punnet even down to his script. People on here have even shared their stories of his clones they dated.

He asked what am I contributing to him...and rounded it off with saying, categorically he is contributing to my life whether I want to admit it or not..

Seriously?

What you contribute to him:
Cook & pay for his meals. Costs you extra for another adult (extra 3rd?).
Let him use your car saving him £££s. Costs you fuel, wear & tear, Mot, tax
Let him stay in your home using your utilities for free. Costs you extra
Sex.
Companionship.

What he contributes to your life:
Foot rubs - free
Sex - free (although he thinks you should have paid him to put together the bed he is also benefitting from)
Companionship - free
Text messages - pennies (I am hoping he actually pays for his own phone?)

This is not an equal relationship. It is a financial convenience with day to day benefits for him.
At. Your. Expense.

Does anyone else think he probably thrashes the arse off the car as well?
Not his car right ? Doesn’t have to pay for services, wear and tear repairs.
Can just imagine that as well, screaming the gears, yanking the handbrake up, the kind of things men do in cars they don’t own and have to pay for and thinking it’s funny as well.

@osbertthesyrianhamster

I'm just ignoring him for now, I'll let him sweat for a few days and see if he can begin to see things from my perspective. I think any change will be short lived though. I'm prepared to walk away but this so hard, as again, he is great in every other way :-(

He didn't say it 'out of anger'. This is who he is. This is the real him. You are paying a man for foot rubs, company and sex. That's the relationship. He is not 'great', he's like this because he benefits from it. He just told you exactly what he thinks of you, truly, and you still won't see it for what it is: he's using you. He's using you as a cook, to save on bills (his must be next to nil) and as a convenient bed mate.

And you think he'll see it from your perspective?!

It's very sad to be so desperate for a man, but even sadder that you're willing to continue to pay to have this man in your life when you have yourself and a child to support.

Jesus wept.

This.

Honestly OP, he lashed out in pure fury at you calling him on his pure meanness.

He knows it only too well.

I bet his ex has some stories.

The lashing out was instinctive to try and shut you down.

You are a good woman, who is being used rotten.

I sincerely hope the penny drops.

He has shown you clearly and repeatedly who he is.

Do yourself the massive favour of believing him.

He's has shown you he would NEVER contribute financially to your outgoings, despite creating a lot of them to be much higher. Throwing a few quid at a meal out is nothing. Daily food living costs etc your car.. all cost all of the time.

Christ just block him, he's a piss taking rat, feeding off you and as someone upthread said.. your Son. Very unattractive.

🌸

@whattheefffff
Would it be nosy to ask what he does for birthdays and Christmas gifts ? You and your child’s ?
That can be very revealing ..

He is awful OP. Definitely shown his true colours now.

Re not paying rent/towards bills because he doesn't own the house, wtf? So people who live in a house owned by a landlord shouldn't pay rent? People who live with their parents shouldn't contribute anything? So rude and disrespectful to be happy for you to pay for everything because you own the house. Leech.

Re the furniture, does he seriously expect you to have paid him? Like he's a handyman?

The comment about what do you contribute to his life...awful.

Move on. Don't let him manipulate you or get you to question yourself. He'll be off looking for the next woman he can do this too very soon, I guarantee. He won't change.

Ah he sounds as though he behaved in a horrid way. Suggesting that he might even be paid for putting up flat pack is a low level. Feels like he views relationships as transactions - keeps a tally of all that he gives, but not so much what he takes. I guess if you're planning to keep the relationship on the current level you can probably work around (making sure he coughs up etc) but if you're thinking marriage/kids this would be a flag for me - what if you're ill, looking after a baby - his tightness could have real implications. Too many stories on here of women left scrapping together money for essentials, while a husband carries on with expensive hobbies etc with 'his' money...

@sappyscurry for my birthday he did make a good effort, for my son he didn't do anything or get him a Christmas present. He got me a thoughtful Christmas present. Didn't do anything for Valentine's Day which I made a big deal out of and he went and bought something and apologised.