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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he is stingy

304 replies

whattheefffff · 11/06/2021 16:02

I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or not.

Been with DP for around 18 months. We discussed him moving in as we live spending time together and miss each other when apart but after some thought he decided not to as financially it wouldn’t make sense for him. He lives with his parents currently and doesn’t have many outgoings. He currently buying a buy-to-let property and plans to continue staying at his parents rent-free. They don’t mind this and are moving abroad soon for 6 months so he will have the house to himself.

My thing is, he has practically moved in with me. He’s here every day other than the weekends he has his kids over and half of the school holidays half terms - his parents house is bigger and they like to see the kids. He doesn’t contribute towards any of my rent, bills or food shopping - although he does buy most of our takeaways (one dinner a week and lunch once or twice a week), and will get us drinks and snacks from the shop sometimes - we tend to take it on turns.

I feel a bit resentful that he is happy for me to pay for all the food shop as well as everything else and not feel like he should contribute. His side so that he could be at his parents not having to pay any rent or bills and he pays for most of the takeaways.

He is also insured to my car and he pays the extra bit to ensure he is covered. I just did the new policy and it’s the same amount with him or without. He doesn’t have to pay anything but I said he should at least contribute towards it so he said he will pay £10 a month towards it - I pay remaining £60. I think that’s stingy! And he could at least pay £20 considering it’s saving him money he would have spent on Uber.

I’ve genuinely found him quite stingy but don’t know if I have unrealistic expectations of a man. I don’t expect to have everything paid for but I do expect a man who is in a position to help to just be a bit more generous. He has the money and has an expensive hobby which costs around £500 a month and I think seeing how easily he can blow cash on this but not contribute towards shopping, bills, car insurance, is making me resentful. I feel like I’d rather he just stays at his parents house and then I won’t have any expectations of him.

Other than the finance stuff he is lovely but this issue around money seems to pop up again and again.

So, what do you think? AIBU?

OP posts:
SappysCurry · 11/06/2021 21:07

@Haffiana

Yes, that is your minge sealing itself shut as all right-thinking minges do when faced with a miser. Because deep down, a miser will always love money more than you.

I am laughing so much at ‘minge sealing itself shut’
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

RandomMess · 11/06/2021 21:08

I've known men who earn very little be more generous than him!!!

ScottishNewbie · 11/06/2021 21:10

COCKLODGER ALERT!!! Get out while you can. They're like bed bugs, a pain in the arse to remove once in.

billy1966 · 11/06/2021 21:19

The slowing him down mark is so telling.

He is all over his money.

He has calculate, analysed, scrutinised every one of his financial decisions.

OP, he is sooooooo far ahead of you when it comes to ploughing ahead.

I hate to be mean but there is NO way a guy this mean and calculating with his accumulation of money is going to settle down with you.

He is going to settle down in a few years with a very comfortably off woman.

Believe me. Please.

He is using you.

You deserve so much better.
Flowers

osbertthesyrianhamster · 11/06/2021 21:22

What billy said. He has an excuse for everything. He knows exactly what he's doing.

Louise1051 · 11/06/2021 21:22

What is he doing with his money? Is it all going on the Buy to Let? Is he clearing debts? Is he putting money into savings that will go towards a bigger property?

Before we bought our home my partner didn’t contribute to my mortgage or bills (he did half with food shop) but I was ok with that as he was putting so much into savings to match what I had as a deposit. So for me as long as he isn’t totally blowing his money and having fun while you pay all the bills then I’d give him benefit of the doubt x

NotMeekNotObedient · 11/06/2021 21:23

Cocklodger...get rid!

Nayday · 11/06/2021 21:26

The world is filled with sad-eyed, hard done to men, who would just love to treat their current partner better financially, but sadly cannot due to a nefarious, money grabbing ex, who has ruined them forever. It's very tragic. They clearly need rescuing and to learn to trust again and ... It's a complete load of bollocks. Judging by the amount of times some poor unwitting woman has relayed such a sob story to me in the past 20 years it's some kind of trope that we suckers fall for over and over! I would love to treat you but (sob) I can't trust that you aren't like my ex... Unwitting woman, 'no, no! I'm not like that! Here let me pay fit everything and understand faithfully that you can't possibly spend a thing on me! I will fix you with my love! (and cold hard cash)..

YANBU

JewelGarden · 11/06/2021 21:40

Even if the thing with his ex was true, then he knows how shit it is to be rinsed and he's still willing to do it to you.

BlueButtercups · 11/06/2021 21:44

I wouldn't be having a talk with him at all.. I'd be ending this now.

He needs to be 'talked' too contributing toward food etc .. He knows EXACTLY what he's doing..

He's ripping the PISS.. freeloading cretin. 🌸

BluebirdHill · 11/06/2021 21:56

He said with his ex he used to pay for everything, the rent, childcare costs, he paid for her car deposit

Thinking about this more now - he's positioned this as him paying for HER stuff. But wait:

'The rent' - had he moved in, or effectively moved in as he's done with you? So something he also benefitted from

'Childcare costs' as in, for his child? Wow.

'The deposit on her car' - again, was he driving this like he is with yours? Not such a bad deal. I wonder who paid the ongoing costs, insurance, petrol? On form it's unlikely to be him

Suspicious to see none of things as items he was responsible for in any way. He thought it was up to others to pay for grown up stuff and his money was his to splash on himself like a teenager.

RosaLuxemburgwasright · 11/06/2021 22:03

Total cocklodger.

krustykittens · 11/06/2021 23:00

Foot rubs aren't paying your bills, OP. But they are paying his.

Ireolu · 11/06/2021 23:09

I am insured on both our cars..both cars r in my husband's name. I barely drive either car I pay hd the insurance and repairs on both cars. I did the same before we were married. Commitment mea s sharing the burden in a balanced a way as possible. He's being cheap and you are letting him get away with it.

FlowerArranger · 11/06/2021 23:18

From what you have been telling us about him, OP, apart from being a miser and a cocklodger, I get no sense of him loving you, caring about you, having your best interests at heart.

But then again I don't get a sense of YOU having any of these feelings either. To be honest, it feels a bit like a marriage of convenience, without the marriage bit. The thing is though: the convenience is all his, and this is unlikely to change.

Fuckitfuckit · 11/06/2021 23:23

Eurgh. He's vile.
He wants a home big enough for his kids, where they'll be warm, and I suppose fed, at the expense of his parents.
He wants access to a car, at the expense of his girlfriend. He isn't paying towards the upkeep of the car I assume?
Hes in a relationship with you, using your water, gas, electricity when he comes over, his contribution, the odd takeaway.
He wants to own a house, and will use tenants to fund that.

Is there anything this tight twat does for himself without people paying?

I bet he doesn't even pay child support in line with having the kids equal time at his parents.

The knowledge that he sponges all he can off who he can would give me the serious ick.

stackemhigh · 11/06/2021 23:28

Did you speak to him, OP?

Nofruitta · 11/06/2021 23:43

Stop letting him wipe his arse on you.

Original poster
whattheefffff · 12/06/2021 00:29

I haven't spoken to him yet, he hasn't called back, tbc tomorrow...

OP posts:
Original poster
whattheefffff · 12/06/2021 00:30

@flowerarranger you must not have seen my updates - he's great in every other way just not financially.

OP posts:
BlueButtercups · 12/06/2021 00:55

[quote whattheefffff]@flowerarranger you must not have seen my updates - he's great in every other way just not financially. [/quote]

This is exactly why he is "great" in all other areas...

He gets everything without any financial commitment.. Keerrching

He's landed right on his feet 🤔

Robin233 · 12/06/2021 02:48

Have you posted about this before?
Seems very familiar- especially about him changing his mind about moving in.
It was unanimous that he was just using you for money then. ...

Taikoo · 12/06/2021 03:20

Cocklodger.

StuffinThePuffin · 12/06/2021 03:45

I've read your OP and updates. Put yourself in his shoes- would you feel ok with behaving like this? In the situation you describe, I would feel quite embarrassed and like I was being cheeky. I would be putting my hand in my pocket a heck of a lot more than he does, even just out of sheer embarrassment if nothing else.

He sounds like a professional tight arse.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 12/06/2021 04:41

@Sparklfairy

He is lovely other than the finances

This is a big deal though. It reveals his true character, not just the one he chooses to show you when it suits him. It points to him being mean, greedy and selfish. None of which are desirable traits in a partner no matter how good the sex is

This... A thousand times....

And this...

From mellonsprite:
"Put simply, everytime you buy a £35 box instead of the £25 that you need, he’s taking £10 directly from your son and putting it into his investments. Everytime he drives your car he is taking £5 directly from your son for the wear and tear and putting it towards his £500pm hobby. Does that feel any different? "