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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he is stingy

304 replies

whattheefffff · 11/06/2021 16:02

I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or not.

Been with DP for around 18 months. We discussed him moving in as we live spending time together and miss each other when apart but after some thought he decided not to as financially it wouldn’t make sense for him. He lives with his parents currently and doesn’t have many outgoings. He currently buying a buy-to-let property and plans to continue staying at his parents rent-free. They don’t mind this and are moving abroad soon for 6 months so he will have the house to himself.

My thing is, he has practically moved in with me. He’s here every day other than the weekends he has his kids over and half of the school holidays half terms - his parents house is bigger and they like to see the kids. He doesn’t contribute towards any of my rent, bills or food shopping - although he does buy most of our takeaways (one dinner a week and lunch once or twice a week), and will get us drinks and snacks from the shop sometimes - we tend to take it on turns.

I feel a bit resentful that he is happy for me to pay for all the food shop as well as everything else and not feel like he should contribute. His side so that he could be at his parents not having to pay any rent or bills and he pays for most of the takeaways.

He is also insured to my car and he pays the extra bit to ensure he is covered. I just did the new policy and it’s the same amount with him or without. He doesn’t have to pay anything but I said he should at least contribute towards it so he said he will pay £10 a month towards it - I pay remaining £60. I think that’s stingy! And he could at least pay £20 considering it’s saving him money he would have spent on Uber.

I’ve genuinely found him quite stingy but don’t know if I have unrealistic expectations of a man. I don’t expect to have everything paid for but I do expect a man who is in a position to help to just be a bit more generous. He has the money and has an expensive hobby which costs around £500 a month and I think seeing how easily he can blow cash on this but not contribute towards shopping, bills, car insurance, is making me resentful. I feel like I’d rather he just stays at his parents house and then I won’t have any expectations of him.

Other than the finance stuff he is lovely but this issue around money seems to pop up again and again.

So, what do you think? AIBU?

OP posts:
crimsonlake · 11/06/2021 18:24

I do not know what you were thinking putting up with his tightness for so long. At the first indication he would have been out the door if it was me.
You say it is not costing you any more to actually have him as a named driver on your car insurance, but he gives you a token £10. Think about it...how much are you allowing him to save by doing this? As you well know it costs a lot to purchase and run a car with all the associated costs. He must be saving a fortune overall.

FlowerArranger · 11/06/2021 18:28

Not read the whole thread - sorry, but reading your OP I felt everything you said led up to this:

I feel like I’d rather he just stays at his parents house and then I won’t have any expectations of him

... with the other than that he is lovely being very much an afterthought.

Just get rid. You don't this, or him. Save your money for your children.

FlowerArranger · 11/06/2021 18:33

It's honestly very unattractive and I've never had a stingy partner before. I think it's down to him being quite careful with money - other than his expensive hobby - and ensuring his future is sorted and he's financially secure (he invests a lot)

ensuring his future is sorted and he's financially secure (he invests a lot)

Worth repeating the last bit...

This is what YOU ought to be doing!

Original poster
whattheefffff · 11/06/2021 18:33

Ok I've taken on board all the replies and I'll be speaking to him later. I'm prepared to end it or at least go on a break so we can both have time to think about what we want and if it is eachother.

Re his parents not minding him living rent free - he has helped them both out massively through his investment advice so they are both very well off thanks to him so they don't mind him not contributing and don't need the money.

OP posts:
Original poster
whattheefffff · 11/06/2021 18:34

I invest also but I can't as much as have a house to run and bills and am a single mum.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 11/06/2021 18:35

He is careful with his own money and very free with everyone else's

osbertthesyrianhamster · 11/06/2021 18:40

He has an excuse for everything, doesn't he? That's highly convenient. Where have I heard that before? Oh, yes, loads of places (I'm in my 50s) because his spin is common as much, what.

His parents got rich due to him so they're happy to fund him forever, his wife fleeced him so that's why he's fleecing you, blah blah blah.

Wake up before you feed more cash into his mouth that could be going to yourself and your son.

Nonmaquillee · 11/06/2021 18:45

He’s not lovely, he’s a freeloader.
I hate stinginess - it’s a real turn off.

Mumsgirls · 11/06/2021 18:50

Please dump ASAP.
My ex was mean with money, always the last to buy the drinks. These sort of people are selfish, so they tend to end up being selfish in other ways, housework and even in bed. I was permanently embarrassed in company and was young and stupid enough to marry him. Part of my attraction was working for a bank with a staff low rate mortgage lol.
I learned my lesson and find tightwads a right turn off .

Original poster
whattheefffff · 11/06/2021 18:55

@mumsgirls weirdly he really isn't selfish in bed and has been super supportive with the issues I've been having with DS dad, he encourages and motivates me - his good qualities are great and his selfishness only comes out with his finances!

OP posts:
YorkshireLass2012 · 11/06/2021 19:01

I have never posted this before but LTB now and save yourself years of resentment and anger. He hadn’t had any outgoings and yet is happy freeload off a single mum. Wow. Just wow. Money is a significant topic in a relationship.

YorkshireLass2012 · 11/06/2021 19:02

Also he is not setting a great completion for your son.

YorkshireLass2012 · 11/06/2021 19:02
  • example. Sorry autocorrect fail …
krustykittens · 11/06/2021 19:05

But this area is a huge issue, OP, HUGE. Say he did move in. Would he split things 50/50? Would he spend more on his kids in front of yours or cut your child out of anything he didn't want to pay for? Would he quibble over the grocery bill, about how many showers he had when the electric bill came in? Stinginess is not only unattractive, its corrosive. My DH is very careful with money, saves as much as he can, financially plans for the future and tries to get the best deal on everything. Sometimes he can veer over to the cheap side and it has to be pointed out how it can be a false economy. But he is a generous, kind man and would give you the last pound in his pocket if he thought you needed it more. He has NEVER failed to pay his way and has, if anything, been rather indulgent when gifting to myself and our children. It doesn't sound like you can say the same thing about your finacially savvy, careful boyfriend. A generous spirit can be defined in more ways that a financial value, plenty of people are generous and skint, but your BF doesn't seem to have it in him. That doesn't bode well for a long term relationship.

krustykittens · 11/06/2021 19:07

And yes, I agree with PP. Anyone that would free load off anyone else, much less someone with a child to feed, shows a lack of character and morals.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 11/06/2021 19:09

[quote whattheefffff]@mumsgirls weirdly he really isn't selfish in bed and has been super supportive with the issues I've been having with DS dad, he encourages and motivates me - his good qualities are great and his selfishness only comes out with his finances! [/quote]
He's taking money off you and your son, what. It's costing you money that you could be spending on your own future and your sons. And he's fine with it, in fact, he feels quite justified in this and so has a handy excuse every time you bring this unfairness up.

All these things are just the bare minimum of what a good relationship is about.

You keep trying to find ways to justify keeping him, he is costing you money.

That post about how every time you buy the £35 box rather than the £25 you need, you're boosting his investments and not yours or your son's.

Every time he runs your car that's you handing him a fiver rather than saving it for you and your son.

catmothertes1 · 11/06/2021 19:10

@whattheefffff

I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or not.

Been with DP for around 18 months. We discussed him moving in as we live spending time together and miss each other when apart but after some thought he decided not to as financially it wouldn’t make sense for him. He lives with his parents currently and doesn’t have many outgoings. He currently buying a buy-to-let property and plans to continue staying at his parents rent-free. They don’t mind this and are moving abroad soon for 6 months so he will have the house to himself.

My thing is, he has practically moved in with me. He’s here every day other than the weekends he has his kids over and half of the school holidays half terms - his parents house is bigger and they like to see the kids. He doesn’t contribute towards any of my rent, bills or food shopping - although he does buy most of our takeaways (one dinner a week and lunch once or twice a week), and will get us drinks and snacks from the shop sometimes - we tend to take it on turns.

I feel a bit resentful that he is happy for me to pay for all the food shop as well as everything else and not feel like he should contribute. His side so that he could be at his parents not having to pay any rent or bills and he pays for most of the takeaways.

He is also insured to my car and he pays the extra bit to ensure he is covered. I just did the new policy and it’s the same amount with him or without. He doesn’t have to pay anything but I said he should at least contribute towards it so he said he will pay £10 a month towards it - I pay remaining £60. I think that’s stingy! And he could at least pay £20 considering it’s saving him money he would have spent on Uber.

I’ve genuinely found him quite stingy but don’t know if I have unrealistic expectations of a man. I don’t expect to have everything paid for but I do expect a man who is in a position to help to just be a bit more generous. He has the money and has an expensive hobby which costs around £500 a month and I think seeing how easily he can blow cash on this but not contribute towards shopping, bills, car insurance, is making me resentful. I feel like I’d rather he just stays at his parents house and then I won’t have any expectations of him.

Other than the finance stuff he is lovely but this issue around money seems to pop up again and again.

So, what do you think? AIBU?

He sounds like a catch!
Maddison12 · 11/06/2021 19:11

When he changed his mind about moving in, he said something about not wanting me to slow him down, in terms of finances and extra outgoings, and that's always started with me.

Sorry but this^ would be enough for me. Sounds like you're just a stepping stone for him, you deserve betterFlowers

JackieTheFart · 11/06/2021 19:13

YABU to have got 18 months in and not had a conversation about this. I don’t understand how so many women seem to fall into relationships like this and then need help to understand if they should expect a contribution.

Original poster
whattheefffff · 11/06/2021 19:19

@jackiethefart I have brought it up before, more than once and he did improve for a bit and in some areas. For example, he used to be very bad at sending me the money for things that he said he would send, such as takeaway. I would always have to prompt him but he has improved on that and 8/10 times will send it straight away. That 2/10 really grates on me though. This is basically be at the end of my tether as past attempts at resolving this hasn't work. I now just think I'm not being fair on him. I'm expecting him to be someone he isn't and I'm trying to change him. I've learnt you can't change a man, you have to change the man! Dreading this call later but I'm ready for it. I was single for over five years before I met him and was happy single!

OP posts:
1forAll74 · 11/06/2021 19:21

He will probably come up with some crackpot ideas about this money situation, and tell you that he is being fair, but you know darn well that he is stingy and tight. He is used to his own money affairs,and does well out of them, and not likely to change his ways now. Unless he gets real about all things,then you can't expect a fair and happy life with him.

krustykittens · 11/06/2021 19:21

Oh and in terms of you slowing him down financially - when I first met my DH he earned more than me and had a deposit to buy a house. I couldn't go 50/50 on the mortgage repayments, never mind a deposit. It didn't bother him, because, you know, he loved ME and not how much money I had. He treats you like a mug OP and he certainly doesn't have long term plans for you both.

Blueskythinking123 · 11/06/2021 19:22

Op my DP contributes £50 per week. Prior to covid he would pay for nights out etc. But when these reduced and we were eating in more, he just started transferring £50 a week. I didn't need to ask.

He still treats us to coffee and this odd meals we have had as things have started to open up.

He has also paid for our weeks break away in July and a few days in august.

My DP stays here approx three nights per week.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 11/06/2021 19:23

[quote whattheefffff]@jackiethefart I have brought it up before, more than once and he did improve for a bit and in some areas. For example, he used to be very bad at sending me the money for things that he said he would send, such as takeaway. I would always have to prompt him but he has improved on that and 8/10 times will send it straight away. That 2/10 really grates on me though. This is basically be at the end of my tether as past attempts at resolving this hasn't work. I now just think I'm not being fair on him. I'm expecting him to be someone he isn't and I'm trying to change him. I've learnt you can't change a man, you have to change the man! Dreading this call later but I'm ready for it. I was single for over five years before I met him and was happy single! [/quote]
This is who he is, OP. Just cut him loose. You deserve more than paying out for a boyfriend, who's a manchild on top of that. He'll say he'll improve, but you know he'll slip back because he's fundamentally stingy with money.

Aprilx · 11/06/2021 19:28

I didn’t really need to read much beyond him not moving in with you because it doesn’t make financial sense. I couldn’t be that transactional about my relationship. Nothing else you have said really bodes well for the future, it sounds like money is always going to be an issue.