To think he is stingy

[whattheefffff]

I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or not.

Been with DP for around 18 months. We discussed him moving in as we live spending time together and miss each other when apart but after some thought he decided not to as financially it wouldn’t make sense for him. He lives with his parents currently and doesn’t have many outgoings. He currently buying a buy-to-let property and plans to continue staying at his parents rent-free. They don’t mind this and are moving abroad soon for 6 months so he will have the house to himself.

My thing is, he has practically moved in with me. He’s here every day other than the weekends he has his kids over and half of the school holidays half terms - his parents house is bigger and they like to see the kids. He doesn’t contribute towards any of my rent, bills or food shopping - although he does buy most of our takeaways (one dinner a week and lunch once or twice a week), and will get us drinks and snacks from the shop sometimes - we tend to take it on turns.

I feel a bit resentful that he is happy for me to pay for all the food shop as well as everything else and not feel like he should contribute. His side so that he could be at his parents not having to pay any rent or bills and he pays for most of the takeaways.

He is also insured to my car and he pays the extra bit to ensure he is covered. I just did the new policy and it’s the same amount with him or without. He doesn’t have to pay anything but I said he should at least contribute towards it so he said he will pay £10 a month towards it - I pay remaining £60. I think that’s stingy! And he could at least pay £20 considering it’s saving him money he would have spent on Uber.

I’ve genuinely found him quite stingy but don’t know if I have unrealistic expectations of a man. I don’t expect to have everything paid for but I do expect a man who is in a position to help to just be a bit more generous. He has the money and has an expensive hobby which costs around £500 a month and I think seeing how easily he can blow cash on this but not contribute towards shopping, bills, car insurance, is making me resentful. I feel like I’d rather he just stays at his parents house and then I won’t have any expectations of him.

Other than the finance stuff he is lovely but this issue around money seems to pop up again and again.

So, what do you think? AIBU?

@Cocomarine

Why should the takeaways be on top of everything else?

It’s definitely not your job to subsidise him, and I don’t know why you do 🤷🏻‍♀️

But it also isn’t his job to subsidise you!

Agreed. It goes both ways.

Also my mum is a named driver on my insurance but hardly ever uses my car and I wouldn't consider charging her for it if it doesn't actually cost more to have her on it. Obviously if he's using it a lot he should be paying for petrol, servicing etc but I'm not sure why he should pay for the insurance?

Obviously as a matter of principal he should pay his way. But bloody hell - Gusto boxes every day?! He may think you’re minted and have more money than him!

This is why I'm unsure if I AIBU or not - with the car, I guess I am asking him to subsidise me as my insurance cost is the same - but I feel like he should contribute as he is benefiting from it, wearing the car out and saving money on Uber costs

Don't forget he's also adding to the tyre wear, wear and tear on the car in general, tax, depreciation not to mention savings on his own travel etc.

He is taking money from you and your son. And his suggestion that you should suffer him punishing you for the apparent piss taking by his ex is outrageous. How do you even know he’s being honest about what he paid for for her? Changes are very high he took the piss out of her as well - it’s what he does isn’t it?

But it’s irrelevant what went on between them. Your concern in his behaviour towards you and it’s shit.

Caring you say? Yeah I don’t think so.

Big massive nope for me. You are subsidising HIS future to the detriment of yours. It's absolutely irrelevant what he paid for in the past. I'd dump his freeloading, entitled, stingy arse! He is not kind at all!

I’m nosy about the car... does he not have one? When he takes yours, does he just use the fuel in it without ever topping it back up?

OP, he really is living the life of Reilly and the fact you’ve started this thread clearly indicates you know that what he’s doing isn’t acceptable.

Trust your instincts.

Yeah he's stingy. I spend 3 nights a week with my partner. I still run and pay full wack on my own house as I have young adult kids not ready to leave yet. For context I pay fuel to get here (£20), do a shop to cover the majority of the food for the weekend and pay roughly half of any takeaway/pub lunches. I don't contribute towards his bills.

Nah! Nothing as unsexy as a stingy man. I'd just stop cooking for him and look shocked "Oh I thought you'd be eating at yours? Have you bought something with you for your tea?"

I am a passive aggressive arse but wouldn't be putting up with subsidising a grown man like that. Get rid!!

He sounds like a scrounger. I couldn't put up with that but it's up to you what you can tolerate.

He said with his ex he used to pay for everything, the rent, childcare costs, he paid for her car deposit - he came out of the relationship worse off so I'm not sure if he is like he is because he was scorned or because since then he has focused more on his future financial security - I do sometimes feel like she got a great deal!

So he was taken for granted and didn’t like it, yet treats you like it? Double standards there.

It's definitely not right and you are not being unreasonable

Cock lodger 100%

I’d do an honest break down of costs, food, electricity, bills, wear and tear, insurance, petrol, everything!

Then see what he says.

Then tell him to bugger off!

I’m actually a little bit 🙄 at you for considering his crap about his XW as an excuse for his attitude now.

1. It will be bullshit
2. Whatever actually is the truth, will be a decision he made of his own free will at the time
3. She’s the mother of his children - have a wee think about family finances. Was it “his” money on her car deposit or “their” money?

Come on, don’t be naïve.

Like I said - he’s be in line for a dumping from me anyway for trotting out clichéd shite like that about the mother of his children. He should show some bloody respect!

He doesn't drive the car that often, a couple of times a week. I don't drive it much either Covid.

I've got 30% off gusto boxes! Wouldn't continue full price!

When he changed his mind about moving in, he said something about not wanting me to slow him down, in terms of finances and extra outgoings, and that's always started with me.

He says all the right things like he wants to marry me and sees a future with me etc but I feel like you'd be more generous with a woman you want to marry!

How is a couple of times a week, not that often?!

You’re crackers!

Not wanting you to slow him down
Fucking hell where did you find this absolute gem of a man?

When he changed his mind about moving in, he said something about not wanting me to slow him down, in terms of finances and extra outgoings, and that's always started with me.

Do you mean he said he decided not to move in with you as you’d slow him down? So he just sleeps and eats at yours most nights instead and pays nothing?

What do you mean ‘that’s always started with me’?

He tops up the petrol if it needs topping up when he's driving it. Twice he went to drive and the petrol was on empty and he filled it up - he mentioned that he has topped up petrol today when I said he needs to contribute to car insurance.

Prior to him being insured, which was only from last month, I'm the one who has been doing all the driving through our relationship and paying for petrol - he topped up twice in this time after I made a point that it's always me paying for petrol as it's my car and me driving.

This is sounding worse and worse lol

Once in a blue moon, has his own car, might as well be on your insurance as not = fine.

Using it 2x a week = he is fully benefitting from your car and should pay towards that.

It’s OK if you’re the higher earner to let him use your car for free - my husband was in that situation, as my boyfriend. He still kept offering to pay for MOT, or he’d do a sneaky fuel refill! And I’d tell him off 🤣

But it’s not OK for him to treat it as a regular car of his, and pay nothing.

I wouldn’t even talk this one out - because (a) you shouldn’t have to and (b) you already have. Get rid.

Do you love him? Do you see a future together?

Discussing finances shouldn’t mean that the relationship is ending.

I would find it a massive turn off that he lives at home and doesn’t pay his way.

When he changed his mind about moving in, he said something about not wanting me to slow him down, in terms of finances and extra outgoings, and that's always started with me.

What a cheeky twat. This is the point you should have baulked!

Fine but he shouldn’t be feathering his nest at your expense!

🙈 all the driving, all the petrol for 17 months.

The sex is amazing, right?

Now you know why his marriage broke up - he's a lazy, tight-fisted, self-indulgent manchild who found a new mark to leech off, get sex, and provide a nice break from Mum and Dad.

Please, please up your game. Get some standards and get rid of this man.

Do NOT move in with him. Fuck that.