To think he is stingy

[whattheefffff]

I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or not.

Been with DP for around 18 months. We discussed him moving in as we live spending time together and miss each other when apart but after some thought he decided not to as financially it wouldn’t make sense for him. He lives with his parents currently and doesn’t have many outgoings. He currently buying a buy-to-let property and plans to continue staying at his parents rent-free. They don’t mind this and are moving abroad soon for 6 months so he will have the house to himself.

My thing is, he has practically moved in with me. He’s here every day other than the weekends he has his kids over and half of the school holidays half terms - his parents house is bigger and they like to see the kids. He doesn’t contribute towards any of my rent, bills or food shopping - although he does buy most of our takeaways (one dinner a week and lunch once or twice a week), and will get us drinks and snacks from the shop sometimes - we tend to take it on turns.

I feel a bit resentful that he is happy for me to pay for all the food shop as well as everything else and not feel like he should contribute. His side so that he could be at his parents not having to pay any rent or bills and he pays for most of the takeaways.

He is also insured to my car and he pays the extra bit to ensure he is covered. I just did the new policy and it’s the same amount with him or without. He doesn’t have to pay anything but I said he should at least contribute towards it so he said he will pay £10 a month towards it - I pay remaining £60. I think that’s stingy! And he could at least pay £20 considering it’s saving him money he would have spent on Uber.

I’ve genuinely found him quite stingy but don’t know if I have unrealistic expectations of a man. I don’t expect to have everything paid for but I do expect a man who is in a position to help to just be a bit more generous. He has the money and has an expensive hobby which costs around £500 a month and I think seeing how easily he can blow cash on this but not contribute towards shopping, bills, car insurance, is making me resentful. I feel like I’d rather he just stays at his parents house and then I won’t have any expectations of him.

Other than the finance stuff he is lovely but this issue around money seems to pop up again and again.

So, what do you think? AIBU?

I do love him :-(

He is lovely other than the finances, we have a lot in common, he is great with my DS and his own kids. He is ambitious and driven, kind, attentive, helps around the house (May need prompting to clean kitchen sometimes but does it) - this financial situation is the only thing that is a problem! Does this make me shallow?

@Cocomarine

🙈 all the driving, all the petrol for 17 months.

The sex is amazing, right?

Presumably he can lick his eyebrows.

@cocomarine the sex is great tbf - however, I've just been put off recently because of this finance stuff!

Does this make me shallow?

Of course not.

Saying it’s ‘only’ the finances is minimising it. His whole attitude to you on this is appalling.

🙈 all the driving, all the petrol for 17 months.

The sex is amazing, right?
Presumably he can lick his eyebrows*

And breath through his ears

@Howshouldibehave
Stingy man didn't want to move in with op as he had financial goals of buying a property; moving in with op and merging finances would slow down those goals as he's have to contribute. I think she meant that comment stayed with her, not started.

@whattheefffff

I do love him :-(

He is lovely other than the finances, we have a lot in common, he is great with my DS and his own kids. He is ambitious and driven, kind, attentive, helps around the house (May need prompting to clean kitchen sometimes but does it) - this financial situation is the only thing that is a problem! Does this make me shallow?

Put Simply, everytime you buy a £35 box instead of the £25 that you need, he’s taking £10 directly from your son and putting it into his investments. Everytime he drives your car he is taking £5 directly from your son for the wear and tear and putting it towards his £500pm hobby. Does that feel any different?

Op, the fact you love him means this whole situation is a lost cause and it will be some time well into the future before you see this relationship fir what it is.

I’m sorry. Really.

What a scrounger. Get rid of him and date a grown up. He's like a teenager. Everything is set up at minimum cost to himself. Tell him to go and leech of somebody else.

For heavens sake OP.

No you're not BU. Not by a long stretch.

Despite what other posters have said about what is it "costing" you.

It's not about what it's costing you.

You should be benefiting from the arrangement as well as him.

Him living with you should be SAVING you money.

And if he seriously thinks he should only the paying the "extra" it's costing you, so he gets to live for practically nothing and you get zero benefit, then yes he's a tight fisted waste of space who's happy to live off a single parent.

@whattheefffff

I do love him :-(

He is lovely other than the finances, we have a lot in common, he is great with my DS and his own kids. He is ambitious and driven, kind, attentive, helps around the house (May need prompting to clean kitchen sometimes but does it) - this financial situation is the only thing that is a problem! Does this make me shallow?

FFS. He is costing you money. You are literally putting cash in his mouth that could be going towards yourself and your child.

You are paying to have a boyfriend!

And you're there asking if you're shallow?

Those things he does, that's not doing you some great favour, it's what people do for each other at a minimum.

You have shockingly low standards.

People who rip the piss out of others like this give me the rage.

He looks after no. 1, and so do you.

I'd tell him tonight the relationship's run its course and move on.

Disgusting scrounging creep. I’m sure he’s lovely towards you, you are keeping him! Get rid and find a grown man.

Don't just bllurt this out when he calls.

Have a think about what you actually want.

What cash do you want, and on what basis?

Do you want to feel valued for your support, including financially, and how much is this an emotional issue and how much financial? (it can be and probably is both - what's the balance?)

Are you envious? His income and lifestyle is enabling him to be getting richer and more secure...

Can you think of a system that works? All this ad hoc is hard to quantify and is seems to cause resentment and unease because it is informal.

Maybe say we need to have a discussion about our living arrangements. Acknowledge that he has his future saving and invenstment goals, and that he has lots more disposable incoime than you.

That as your relationship has grown and deepened, the arrangements around how you live are still informal and ad hoc - and it is making you feel insecure. It is hard to quantify, relies on guessing, his goodwill, or you feeling you have to ask,

Say that it might help to have a more formal arrangement - share petrol according to use.
If he spends about 20 out of 30 days a month at your house, he should pay a third of the utilities - maybe a bit less as you have your kids.

Have a grocery kitty, both put ££ in, use it when you do a shop that you will both use, use your sole accounts for weekend when he is not there. Again you could contribute more to this pot because of your kids. Get the Takeaways out of this.

Say you don't want to feel obliged to him and worry that he pays for full tanks of petrol or takeaways, or take advantage because he pays for those things, and at the same time you don't want to feel that it is convenient that you have a house and car and are saving him money that goes into his savings!

If he says 'but one day they will be our savings' say 'great - if you cover your share of costs I can save more, and also be saving towards our joint future'.

Plan a discussion, have your objectives in your head, know what your bottom line is and be calm.

Otherwise you risk sounding off and whinging and you will get nowhere beyond 'I pay for takeaways!'.

Oh, please. It's not your job to placate him, OP, and have you noticed he has an excuse every time you bring up his paying his way fairly? Why do you think that is? Take a guess! And £50/week and then you say he doesn't pay it.

He knows what he's doing. He feels entitled to scrounge off you, his folks, everyone. He's No. 1.

That's not lovely. That's disgusting.

excellent advice @upthejunktion Yes think about what you want, make notes or bullet points and be clear but calm.

I cant get my head round the fact hes buying a buy to let while he lives with his parents?! I wonder what his parents make of that...

He is lovely other than the finances

This is a big deal though. It reveals his true character, not just the one he chooses to show you when it suits him. It points to him being mean, greedy and selfish. None of which are desirable traits in a partner no matter how good the sex is

He's definitely loving towards you because you facilitate him and his life. He's a leech.

Please move on OP and protect yourself and your son.

Get rid. You are better spending the extra on yourself than this excuse of a man

@millenialblush

I cant get my head round the fact hes buying a buy to let while he lives with his parents?! I wonder what his parents make of that...

They enable it. I'd be embarrassed to leech off my folks like that.

Honestly OP he doesn't want to move in together because he lives with his parents rent free but has essentially moved in with you without having to pay anything says everything. You know the answer to this. Also I'd take what he says about his relationship with his ex with a pinch of salt.

This is such a turn off, he sounds awful.

Oh, and my friend's ex h says that to all his girlfriends about her, his first wife - she fleeced him, she rinsed him, she never brought anything to the table, she didn't contribute blah blah blah. She brought up their two disabled children whilst he had the kind of job where he worked away a lot (having affairs whilst away, too) and was a financially abusive twat.

He still is.

Similarly, this man has is a pisstaking mooch.

Personally I think you should bin him in no uncertain terms. However, for some reason you say you love him.
Tell him to come over later, after you & dc have eaten (be clear he is not getting dinner at yours). Ask him to pick up bread & milk on the way. This will cover tea & coffee, and toast if he stays for breakfast. If he wants a fry up, he can bring it with him.
Take him off the insurance. He is taking the p:$$ using your car. If you are going somewhere together, tell him him needs to give you half the petrol money. Put fuel in it when he is with you so he can use his card there & then.
If he gets huffy over this, then I'm sorry but he is using you as a convenience in his life. You neec to raise the bar & stop him feathering his nest at your expense.

He said with his ex he used to pay for everything, the rent, childcare costs, he paid for her car deposit - he came out of the relationship worse off so I'm not sure if he is like he is because he was scorned or because since then he has focused more on his future financial security - I do sometimes feel like she got a great deal! 0

They always say that, OP. It’s to get your sympathy and condition you onto not asking for much because poor diddums had it so bad with the grasping ex.

He’s a cocklodger, Op, stealing money and food from your kids.