Dp being too forceful

[Whereswally2]

sorry dont know If this will be triggering to some

A couple of times now whe do goes through his "extra on heat" days he has found it appropriate to grab my head and push me down onto him for oral. At the time I've thought nothing of it and would laugh at him whilst he was doing it, but I would be pushing back against him to get my head back up and he wouldnt give. I'm my partners first and only gf so I dont know where he has picked that up from (porn maybe?) I took it to be light hearted and would tell him that doing this would get him no where however now that I'm thinking about it, it's just plain disrespectful joke or not. I know that if I gave in and gave him head from it he would be quite happy so there is obviously some sort of truth to his actions. I just think it's a horrible way to show his frustration. We have a newborn and arent really having sex so yes he maybe horny but honestly this is just a turn off.

I know it sounds really bad writing it down and I most likely should of felt like this sooner but I'm used to my sexual encounters being a give and not receive bases so I guess it just went past me. Sad really. In terms of sex life it is never equal. Its primarily me performing for dp. I've gone above and beyond for him and cant say he has ever done anything for me. He doesnt make me climax but then again no one ever has. When I pull him up on it he says he would love to put more effort into me during sex but I dont let him and restrict him (which is not true I just dont like oral). He has plenty of opportunity but never acts upon it.

What I'm trying to get at is the head forcing something worth getting into an arguement about, because I know that's what it will become

You have done nothing wrong.

Ignore him.

Just keep trying Women's Aid and I agree try your local contact number. It won't matter that you have no assets - you'll be able to apply for Child Benefit and Universal Credit and build things up from there. You can build a life for yourself and your DC away from this rapist.

You are just not listening. It's typical victim behaviour. Wake up OP. Wake up.

@legotruck I am listening. It's just hard when no one around me in real life will even take me seriously so how am I even meant to myself seriously? This isnt the tip of the iceberg of things I've been through caused by him. But sex to me has always been negative in our relationship minus the first couple of months. At one point he would go off drink stand up our dates then turn up at mine at 12 or some other ridiculous time for sex. And like a fool I offered it to him because it was the only time I felt close to him and felt he was present. It's all just so wrong. But I really have no where to go until the next couple of months at least so I'm not sure what to do in the meantime. Lay low? tell him I'm thinking of going? Reject his intimate advances?

Women's aid have an online chat.

Only available til 6 pm though so will have to be tomorrow.

chat.womensaid.org.uk/

Don’t tell him your thinking of leaving.

But I really have no where to go until the next couple of months at least so I'm not sure what to do in the meantime. Lay low? tell him I'm thinking of going? Reject his intimate advances?

I won't waste my time counting the suggestions to contact women's aid. You can leave if you want. You just don't want. He has conditioned you to remain and accept.

It could escalate quickly if you tell him you're leaving, OP. Here's something that might help; it helped me: there's a book called Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft.

You can read it free online. It will open your eyes and help you make sense of what's going on in your relationship. Do be certain your devices are passworded so he doesn't know what you're reading. The same with Women's Aid which has a brilliant Survivors' Forum where women share experiences and support each other.

As far as your DP is concerned, the best you can do is stop trying to normalise everything by smoothing things over and coaxing him back into being his "nice" self. If he sulks, let him get on with it. He's pulling your strings and enjoying watching you dance, but I think you know that.

If you don't feel like being intimate with someone who shouts and sulks, it's OK to say so calmly, as in, "It's hard to feel warm and loving at bedtime when you've been ignoring/shouting at me all day. If you want to be loved, why not try being warm and loving when we're not in bed?"

After all, why would you feel attracted to someone who treats you harshly? He does it because he believes he has you trapped. He hasn't because it's 2021, not 1921 or 1821. I know you feel trapped but honestly you aren't: you have more power and more options in this situation than you realise. You just need to reach out for the help that is there for you.

[quote Whereswally2]@ElizabethTudor he either gets defensive or shuts down completely and becomes a massive pity party. Then it results in me somehow having to coax him into being okay like he is the victim olin the situation because it's all woe is me[/quote]
Tell him to stop pitying himself and grow the fuck up unless he wants you to leave.

This is what refuges are for.

Then instead of trying to fix the problem or be constructive it's a case of me having to fight for our relationship and make sure he is okay.

But why bother to fight? Seriously, contact Women's Aid first thing tomorrow and start planning to get out at the first possible opportunity.

Op, he’s a pathetic man child, using all of the techniques from the abuser’s playbook. Take your time if you need to, but you must get out of this toxic relationship - for your sake and for your child’s sake. He’s treating you like a sex object, showing no respect, and sulking when he can’t get his way. You sound like a lovely person. You deserve so much better. Put yourself and your child first, and leave this horrible creature.

Life can be so much better for you op. Please keep trying to get some help from women's aid.

None of this is your fault.

It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or believes, what matters is how you are feeling and how you are living.

Just adding my voice to the chorus saying how disgusting and horrible he is, and if you knew what good sex was like you would never settle for this. Far better to have none at all than be subjected to this.

@DrSbaitso such thing exists?! Surely for that you need a good man....I'm starting to think my bar is too high. Every man I've met is like this.

I had a boyfriend who tried this once. Just the once. I told him it would never happen again. A lot of guys try this I think, probably porn related, but it is a total no no to me. And he doesnt have to do oral on you for you to climax, he just needs to find out what you enjoy. Which he is making no effort to do. It doesnt look good, I am afraid. And if he gets self pitying, just let him. It is not your job to soothe his hurt feelings when he has been an asshole.

@Whereswally2

There was one other incident before I was pregnant where I really wasnt in the mood but he was having one of his "heat" moments and it completely blindsided him. He had sex with me even though I wasnt up for it. It was rough and because I wasnt feeling it I distinctly remember it feeling very raw and animalistic. After he finished I took myself to the shower, sat in there and cried. I felt disgusting. I came out and asked him what the hell he was doing and said he was sorry and he lost himself in the moment and couldnt even tell I wasnt in it. Ugh. I told my dm and I was going to leave him. Then I found out I was pregnant and I got trapped I guess you could say. It's hard because it was genuinely a one off and he was very remorseful but this head shoving is screaming that moment all over again. It's his needs before my own and that's not just sexually.

I’m so sorry this happened. You know what he did was rape don’t you? Please don’t stay with this man. You and your baby deserve better.

[quote Whereswally2]@DrSbaitso such thing exists?! Surely for that you need a good man....I'm starting to think my bar is too high. Every man I've met is like this.[/quote]
Yes. It does. What do you think your body is for?

And too high? How could you end up with this shit if your bar were too high?

But sex is one of those things that amplifies and strengthens what was already there. So if you love your partner and you have a great sexual dynamic, it can be everything from nice to unbelievable. And if your partner is an abusive rapey prick who sees it as something he does to you for his own gain and nothing more, it makes you feel even worse and even more broken, distressed and damaged.

How could you end up with this shit if your bar were too high?
I guess she means all the chancers are parading in under it.

@SengaMac

How could you end up with this shit if your bar were too high? I guess she means all the chancers are parading in under it.

Ha, yeah. Like slime.

Next time bite it hard

@DrSbaitso because he was genuinely so nice at first. All the qualities I wanted in a person he had, or so I thought. As time went on he slowly became worse and worse. Alot of it I put down to his drinking but since that isnt the case anymore it's clearly just who he is. Now I feel like finding a partner that respects me as a person and my boundaries is like finding a needle in a haystack. I'm honestly not high maintenance, I like to think what I want in a person isnt too much to ask. Just kind considerate and loving

Never mind another partner for now. For now, concentrate on getting away from this rapey shit and healing yourself. Better to be alone than in bad, abusive, rapey company.

@DrSbaitso

Never mind another partner for now. For now, concentrate on getting away from this rapey shit and healing yourself. Better to be alone than in bad, abusive, rapey company.

This ^