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Original poster

Dp being too forceful

474 replies

Whereswally2 · 11/06/2021 10:51

sorry dont know If this will be triggering to some

A couple of times now whe do goes through his "extra on heat" days he has found it appropriate to grab my head and push me down onto him for oral. At the time I've thought nothing of it and would laugh at him whilst he was doing it, but I would be pushing back against him to get my head back up and he wouldnt give. I'm my partners first and only gf so I dont know where he has picked that up from (porn maybe?) I took it to be light hearted and would tell him that doing this would get him no where however now that I'm thinking about it, it's just plain disrespectful joke or not. I know that if I gave in and gave him head from it he would be quite happy so there is obviously some sort of truth to his actions. I just think it's a horrible way to show his frustration. We have a newborn and arent really having sex so yes he maybe horny but honestly this is just a turn off.

I know it sounds really bad writing it down and I most likely should of felt like this sooner but I'm used to my sexual encounters being a give and not receive bases so I guess it just went past me. Sad really. In terms of sex life it is never equal. Its primarily me performing for dp. I've gone above and beyond for him and cant say he has ever done anything for me. He doesnt make me climax but then again no one ever has. When I pull him up on it he says he would love to put more effort into me during sex but I dont let him and restrict him (which is not true I just dont like oral). He has plenty of opportunity but never acts upon it.

What I'm trying to get at is the head forcing something worth getting into an arguement about, because I know that's what it will become

OP posts:
TurquoiseLemur · 11/06/2021 15:43

@PumpingPauper

You've just had a baby! THIS IS ABUSE.

Statistics do say partners can become more abusive during pregnancy and after birth.. No idea why.

I've just had a baby and if my DP did this he'd have his bags packed.

I think the start/increase in abuse during pregnancy and after birth is all about certain men just not being willing to accept that the main focus of their wives/partners at these time is not THEM. They are basically selfish and immature and are used to occupying centre-stage.

This man's behaviour would be abusive an selfish at any tim but especially right now. What a horrible way to behave.

AnotherKrampus · 11/06/2021 15:57

I'd fecking bite his dick off if it were me! Very rapey vibes!

Feelinghothothottoday · 11/06/2021 16:07

If you were my daughter I would get you out of that situation now. He raised you. He treats you like a porn actor. He is selfish.

How old are you?
What is the housing situation?
Do you work?

Feelinghothothottoday · 11/06/2021 16:15

Ring women’s aid Op. we are here for you. Call them but safely. We can help you sort this out. But you can’t stay with him. He is a rapist. And he will do it again. Get help. Please

Sittingonabench · 11/06/2021 16:26

I agree with everyone that this is completely unjustifiable behaviour! And if I were you I’d be looking to get out but if you don’t want that and want to try to work on it then you need to take control. Next time he tries to get you to do something you don’t want to get up, don’t say anything but show him you’re upset (slam a door curse under your breath give him a look) and go into the bathroom and have a shower or a bath to give yourself breathing room. Then when you go back tell him you want to talk about how you both communicate sexually. If he sulks tell him it’ll wait until he’s gotten over himself but that until you have ground rules in place there will be no activity. Then tell him how he makes you feel like a doll when he does that, tell him you need emotional connection and that if you are feeling close to him maybe you will do something for him but he has to put the work in and if he applies any pressure to your head with his hand then you will disengage - that’s a red line

Wishihadanalgorithm · 11/06/2021 16:27

This man is a vile rapist who takes on the victim role whenever called out on his shitty behaviour. He won’t change and why should you stay hoping he will and putting effort into ‘helping’ him?

OP, Women’s Aid is your first port of call. They will advise you on how to leave, because leave you must.

Smallredclip · 11/06/2021 16:28

Oh OP. This just will never ever come good.

NewlyGranny · 11/06/2021 16:30

OP, was your precious baby planned? Were you trying to conceive?

Nonmaquillee · 11/06/2021 16:31

@Sittingonabench

I agree with everyone that this is completely unjustifiable behaviour! And if I were you I’d be looking to get out but if you don’t want that and want to try to work on it then you need to take control. Next time he tries to get you to do something you don’t want to get up, don’t say anything but show him you’re upset (slam a door curse under your breath give him a look) and go into the bathroom and have a shower or a bath to give yourself breathing room. Then when you go back tell him you want to talk about how you both communicate sexually. If he sulks tell him it’ll wait until he’s gotten over himself but that until you have ground rules in place there will be no activity. Then tell him how he makes you feel like a doll when he does that, tell him you need emotional connection and that if you are feeling close to him maybe you will do something for him but he has to put the work in and if he applies any pressure to your head with his hand then you will disengage - that’s a red line
This is way beyond asking him to help feel an emotional connection. The man has no empathy. He doesn’t see her as a human being. We know what men like this are called. He’s also a rapist.

Please please OP you are being offered excellent advice here. You do need to leave ASAP.

Topseyt · 11/06/2021 16:31

@Whereswally2

I have spoken to shelter. Because of the situation they said it could be ages until I get rehomed. In the meantime I could be taken away from my family and put in a hostel far far away. I dont want that. The pandemic has made this all horrendous. I havent even had any postnatal care. No one to talk to. I've got a meeting with a counsellor next week. That's the only thing keeping me sane. My dm knows but is unable to help, she is potentially going to be homeless herself. When I say I'm stuck I well and truly am. The worst part of it all is I have a strong feeling the incident I described was when I got pregnant. And thinking that makes me sick to my stomach. I love my dc and I'm so sad they potentionally came into the world that way.
Surely it doesn't matter one jot where the hostel is! What matters is getting you and your baby to safety, not staying put and waiting for your rapist to rape you again (and again and again). Because he will.

You need to get out (with your baby) in order to protect both of you from this monster.

Topseyt · 11/06/2021 16:36

[quote Whereswally2]@Gliblet the thing is I know all too well what he is doing. If I even me toned the word manipulation he would freak because he genuinely does not see it. And refuses to be associated with the word or believe it. I dont know where I've gone so wrong. I was seeing someone before my dp and they done exactly the same thing so I picked it up straight away with dp. I know it turns the blame game around and it means they get off the hook without ever having to take responsibility. I cant stand bringing up any issues I have with him, hence why at the bottom of my thread I asked if it was worth it, because he instant reaction isnt too communicate but to become defeated and withdrawn. Then instead of trying to fix the problem or be constructive it's a case of me having to fight for our relationship and make sure he is okay. I hate it and I've told him to get over himself when he gets like it but it's like I can literally see him reclining into himself and there is no talking him out of it.[/quote]
There is no relationship to fight for. Ask yourself why you want to fight for a relationship with a rapist!

Call Women's Aid again and let them get you out, to wherever that has to be.

Drinkingallthewine · 11/06/2021 17:04

Lets argue for a moment that his claim of being uncontrollable 'in heat' is true. This means that when he's in the moment, he has no control over his sex drive, and can't even register the other person's distress or struggling.

Is that someone you want around your child? When that child is older, when you are at work and he's alone with that child and he goes 'on heat'? You can't say "oh he'd never do that to his own DC", because he's already shown you he cannot control himself when he's horny. You can't know with any certainty that he would be safe around a child.

Or if you think he can control himself around a child and that it's just women he assaults lets call it what it is. Rape. He is a rapist. And still not a person you want around your child.

If you don't involve WA or social services or the police now, he has every right to obtain shared custody. So you need to involve them to protect your DC from this monster.

Original poster
Whereswally2 · 11/06/2021 18:15

The thing is he is so "nice". Not necessarily to me but his parents are respectable lovely people and I dont think they would even be able to acknowledge the truth even if I handed it to them. No one would believe me. Or maybe they would down play it? Because all his friends think I'm lucky to have him and that he is the sweetest. And honestly I thought that too and that's why I got with him. The one time incident was so out of character for him. It reminded me of men I used to casually date before, where they were very self centred and lacked consideration. My dp has always liked to hold himself higher than my previous sexual encounters and think he is the bees knees. I did tell my dm of the rape but she has a tendency to down play things. She is also coming out of an abusive relationship herself and did alot of undermining in that. I tried contacting womans aid and never got through. I got really disheartened. I'm scared to admit that these things arent okay. My dp seems so normal. I'm scared to turn me and my babies life around. I know no one will understand. All his family will think I'm the horrible one for it. No one knows the anguish I've been through with him the past couple of years.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whereswally2 · 11/06/2021 18:17

I didnt even intend for this thread to get so deep. I'm so sad at how this has all turned out. We've just had an arguement now and it wasnt even about this issue. He keeps resorting to shouting and swearing at me because he said he just "gets frustrated " and that "I dont listen to him" even though I've made it clear screaming infront of our dc and at me isnt the answer or healthy. I dont even want to bring up everything else. How do I get myself sorted? I have no job or assets. I'm so stupid to get myself in this position and just hoped we would be happy families

OP posts:
Stormyequine · 11/06/2021 18:26

I think Womens Aid would be a very good place to start. They would be able to advise you on the best way to proceed. You can't carry on like this.

sixthtimelucky · 11/06/2021 18:33

OP it doesn't matter if his parents or anyone else would never believe this of him. That is irrelevant. I'm so sorry he's such a cunt, this is really shocking behaviour and I really hope you find a way to leave him and have a happy life on your own or with someone who loves and respects you. Because he neither loves or respects you, fact. Very best of luck x

sixthtimelucky · 11/06/2021 18:34

I second Women's Aid as a first port of call x

sixthtimelucky · 11/06/2021 18:36

One more thing... as is often said on here - abusers are never abusive/nasty all the time. They are 'nice' sometimes because that's how they are able to keep abusing so that you hang on to the 'real him' that is 'nice'. Except that is not the real him. The real him is the cunt who sexually harasses and assaults you.

Blackhawkdown2020 · 11/06/2021 18:47

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Weirdfan · 11/06/2021 18:54

I tried contacting womans aid and never got through. I got really disheartened.

The 24hr national number can be really hard to get through to, have you tried looking for your local service? If you scroll down this link til you get to 'Search by region or local authority' and enter your town it will give you a local number to ring. They may have limited opening hours but the lines are usually easier to get through to. Please don't give up trying to get some help, you deserve so much better than this Flowers
www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/

shdodnbek · 11/06/2021 18:57

Oh love you. You should leave now whilst your baby is still small enough not to remember the split.

Woman's aid or the domestic abuse helpline as pp have said. You don't have to leave right now but you do need to start making a good plan.

You should be entitled to some kind of income ie benefits so make sure you are claiming all you can.

You are wonderful and better than this. Your life will be better Thanks

An0n0n0n · 11/06/2021 19:03

He is absolutely manipulating you.

It seems like you dont have any boundaries- he does somethong, you say no and then frolick around trying to mke him feel good again.

In a relationship which makes you feel secure and in which you are confident you have self worth what would happen os you would say no and if he sulked hed be told to shut that shit down and that if he cant communicate like am adult then he isnt ready for a relationship and he needs to decide now whether he is done sulking.

Original poster
Whereswally2 · 11/06/2021 19:46

@An0n0n0n
I do that. I stand my grand and tell him he needs to man up and isnt acceptable. I say no. I cry no. But his sulking can last all day and it wears me down. We get no where when he is like that. It's like communicating with a brick wall. So eventually I forgive him so we can actually talk like adults and move on. I dont know how else to enforce my boundaries. He knows I have them he just doesnt respect them

OP posts:
Original poster
Whereswally2 · 11/06/2021 19:46

Sorry for the spelling mistakes I'm exhausted!

OP posts:
Original poster
Whereswally2 · 11/06/2021 19:48

Like now for instance, I told him not to shout at me and now he is walking around the house not talking to me. Making me feel like I've done something wrong when that cant be further from the truth.

OP posts: