Dp being too forceful

[Whereswally2]

sorry dont know If this will be triggering to some

A couple of times now whe do goes through his "extra on heat" days he has found it appropriate to grab my head and push me down onto him for oral. At the time I've thought nothing of it and would laugh at him whilst he was doing it, but I would be pushing back against him to get my head back up and he wouldnt give. I'm my partners first and only gf so I dont know where he has picked that up from (porn maybe?) I took it to be light hearted and would tell him that doing this would get him no where however now that I'm thinking about it, it's just plain disrespectful joke or not. I know that if I gave in and gave him head from it he would be quite happy so there is obviously some sort of truth to his actions. I just think it's a horrible way to show his frustration. We have a newborn and arent really having sex so yes he maybe horny but honestly this is just a turn off.

I know it sounds really bad writing it down and I most likely should of felt like this sooner but I'm used to my sexual encounters being a give and not receive bases so I guess it just went past me. Sad really. In terms of sex life it is never equal. Its primarily me performing for dp. I've gone above and beyond for him and cant say he has ever done anything for me. He doesnt make me climax but then again no one ever has. When I pull him up on it he says he would love to put more effort into me during sex but I dont let him and restrict him (which is not true I just dont like oral). He has plenty of opportunity but never acts upon it.

What I'm trying to get at is the head forcing something worth getting into an arguement about, because I know that's what it will become

Link to that book: ]]

Link to that book: www.amazon.co.uk/Come-You-Are-Surprising-Transform/dp/1476762090?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

@ICGPGP you need to read the whole threat, the recommendation of a book is not appropriate at the moment

@Whereswally2

I wont be surprised if he will do it again because according to him he has no say or control. So basically he cannot be trusted when he sleeps. His urges get the better of him and the acts are against his own will.... I can never feel safe sleeping next to someone like that again.

He does have control OP this was deliberate. You stood up to him regards the shouting, his response to that was to try harder to squash you down again by raping you. It's not accidental, he's not out of control he's choosing to behave this way.

He definitely should lose his job because the vulnerable people he works with aren't safe with him, but whether he'll lose his job without a conviction is another matter.

@Whereswally2

What should I do in terms of our baby? My head is swimming and I dont have the slightest clue what is appropriate

Don't leave your baby alone with him ever. Baby isn't safe with him. Don't worry about upsetting baby taking them away from dad. Children would choose to eat endless chocolate, stay up late and never bath if it was upto them! Your the parent so you decide what's best. Keep this awful man away from your child.

OP, I am so sorry that you got such an unhelpful person on the helpline. It's particularly appalling that they fobbed you off, because victims of domestic violence often start to doubt their own reality and underplay the serious of what is happening to them.

There will be alternative domestic violence charities, ring them.

Also, if you have a baby, presumably you have a health visitor. They are trained to identity women in domestic violence situations and refer them to the appropriate services to help. You could also consider contacting them to get referred for local help.

While MN threads can be great for moral support, you are not going to get the professional advice you really need in your situation, so please consider trying to get in touch with other helplines, or women's charities.

Helplines are normally staffed by volunteers- some of them are amazing and many have personal experience but they are not necessarily trained professionals.

If you haven't already, ask a friend or family member to come with you to the police. Unfortunately I think the police are quite variable in how they handle it but you have a fairly good chance of getting a trained female professional who will talk you through your options.

@Whereswally2 I hope you are ok, I wish I was there to give you a big hug x

Sorry to hear about all this. Where are you now? Please ring the police and report the rape.

@Dashel thankyou I could really use one right now @dapsnotplimsolls I've left and am at my family home. I'm just so emotionally drained. I hate myself because I've always been so tolerate even though I've stood my ground and now I feel that is partly to blame. My problem is that I always want to forgive him. Even as he was saying goodbye to our baby and crying his eyes out I wanted to hug him and reassure him. It broke my heart to seem maybe in that way I'm also a weak person. I just cant believe our family has been torn apart over night. It's all happened so suddenly. I miss our home. I miss being a family already. My heart hurts for my baby.

The only thing I'm worried about at the moment is if he gets nasty over custody rights.

@Whereswally2

The only thing I'm worried about at the moment is if he gets nasty over custody rights.

He might well pretend to in order to scare you. How involved is he now? How much of the drudgery does he do now?

Another reason to report this to the police - it might have an impact on custody rights?

@DrSbaitso he loves our baby and does a fair amount of the work. I felt so cruel parting them. I dont want to keep him from dc but until I know he betters himself as a person for dc I think he needs space from them. I dont think he would even harm dc but with the way he is going he could unintentionally hurt her when she is older

[quote Whereswally2]@DrSbaitso he loves our baby and does a fair amount of the work. I felt so cruel parting them. I dont want to keep him from dc but until I know he betters himself as a person for dc I think he needs space from them. I dont think he would even harm dc but with the way he is going he could unintentionally hurt her when she is older[/quote]
You've done the right thing parting them. If you'd stay, he will 100% harm your DD emotionally and psychologically as she grows up living in an environment where you are forced to do things and he manipulates with emotional blackmail. He will harm her with his views on women. He will harm her by wearing her mother down to a shell. He will harm her by being a rapist. He will harm her by ignoring a woman's right to autonomy over her body and her choices. He will harm her by teaching her it's her responsibility to 'fix' others when she has stood up for herself and they respond with the silent treatment. He will harm her because he is a bad father and a horrendous role model.

OP, . I'm sorry you are going through this.

You will regret not reporting this to the police, I fear. You will want his abuse on record, later. When he gets nasty over custody. When he 'just can't control' his anger at your dc. Or at you. When he is manipulative and controlling - the courts will see who he is. Because you have evidence. You have a police report, filed at the time.

[quote Whereswally2]@DrSbaitso he loves our baby and does a fair amount of the work. I felt so cruel parting them. I dont want to keep him from dc but until I know he betters himself as a person for dc I think he needs space from them. I dont think he would even harm dc but with the way he is going he could unintentionally hurt her when she is older[/quote]
I doubt he felt cruel when he attacked and assaulted his baby's mother.

You must try to stop worrying about whether all this makes you a bad person. It isn't doing anyone any good, including your child. It plays into his hands and doesn't score you any humanity points. He is a rapey bastard and you and your child are not safe with him. Don't prioritise "not feeling cruel" over keeping yourself and your baby safe. I'm not blaming you for anything, but it isn't actually a good thing to do.

I guarantee that a rapey bastard will be a shit awful father to a teenage girl.

@Whereswally2

I have spoke to my family and will be leaving as soon as baby wakes. In terms of telling the police yes I know that's the right thing to do but I really just need to get my head around things first. I cant think clearly I am exhausted and can not sleep now. My partner isnt a bad man. Sounds silly I know but he genuinely is a good dad. He just isnt nice to me.

He’s an animal.

He’s a very bad man and a shit father.

If I make a report will it go against his name?

Or will that only happen if it gets taken to court sorry for all the questions the lady on the helpline was useless trying to understand all my avenues and outcomes

I am constantly staggered at what Mumsnetters ask about - how could anyone need to ask if this is OK?

Just talk to Womens Aid and get yourself and your poor child right out of there.

I am constantly staggered at posters who don't bother to read the full thread, or even just OPs posts and come on with 'advice' that is far far too late

You've left and you're now at your family home. Well done. I'm very proud of you. xx

If it means anything at all from a stranger on the internet, please try not to allow his latest act and tears to manipulate you. That is gaslighting and it's abusive. Those of us who have read your full thread and seen what you were living with, the collective voice asking you to please leave was unanimous. We saw that you were being abused. We believe you. Please try to allow that to influence you more than his faux grief. And I know it's hard. I honestly do.

@AutistGoth I do believe his upset was real once everything was packed and he had to say goodbye to dc. It hit him hard. Even though he knew I was on the edge with him anyways over all the shouting and lack of respect. He knew this would happen I made it very clear. But he cant help himself. I could only imagine how i would feel if i had to say good ue to dc but he made his bed so I dont feel bad for him, just sad over the situation and that its come to this. I'm angry that this could of all been avoided. What annoyed me the most was all he had to say was how he was so ashamed an disgusted with himself. Till this very moment all his emotions still centre around himself and he is so busy feeling bad he didnt realise the massive repercussion its caused our family unit. Now I'm left to pick up the pieces and try to settle into a new environment. It's all quite exhausting. I just want to not be okay. My heart is broken

But he cant help himself.

This isn't the first time you've said things like this and you NEED to stop believing it. He's trained you through manipulation to believe he can't help it and has no control of himself, and I'm telling you right now its all lies. You're making excuses for him with every post. His lies are so ingrained in you, you absolve him of responsibility without even thinking.

At the very least, check yourself every single time, and remember that if he really would 'plead insanity' to his behaviour (which he's effectively doing), know that means even more that you've done the right thing by taking your children away from someone who freely admits to having no control over their actions or behaviour.