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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dp being too forceful

474 replies

Whereswally2 · 11/06/2021 10:51

sorry dont know If this will be triggering to some

A couple of times now whe do goes through his "extra on heat" days he has found it appropriate to grab my head and push me down onto him for oral. At the time I've thought nothing of it and would laugh at him whilst he was doing it, but I would be pushing back against him to get my head back up and he wouldnt give. I'm my partners first and only gf so I dont know where he has picked that up from (porn maybe?) I took it to be light hearted and would tell him that doing this would get him no where however now that I'm thinking about it, it's just plain disrespectful joke or not. I know that if I gave in and gave him head from it he would be quite happy so there is obviously some sort of truth to his actions. I just think it's a horrible way to show his frustration. We have a newborn and arent really having sex so yes he maybe horny but honestly this is just a turn off.

I know it sounds really bad writing it down and I most likely should of felt like this sooner but I'm used to my sexual encounters being a give and not receive bases so I guess it just went past me. Sad really. In terms of sex life it is never equal. Its primarily me performing for dp. I've gone above and beyond for him and cant say he has ever done anything for me. He doesnt make me climax but then again no one ever has. When I pull him up on it he says he would love to put more effort into me during sex but I dont let him and restrict him (which is not true I just dont like oral). He has plenty of opportunity but never acts upon it.

What I'm trying to get at is the head forcing something worth getting into an arguement about, because I know that's what it will become

OP posts:
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 12/06/2021 11:58

Going to the police now gives you the best options in the longer term. It doesn’t mean you’re committed to a prosecution.

Potentially you can get a court order to get him out of the house. If he’s arrested, he might be given bail conditions to leave and stay away from you.

Original poster
Whereswally2 · 12/06/2021 12:03

@CandyLeBonBon we've been dating for years. I might sound like I dont know him that well because I feel like I dont know him at all. I dont know who this person is. It isnt the one I thought him to be or fell in love with

OP posts:
Original poster
Whereswally2 · 12/06/2021 12:06

Does anyone know what else I can do other than go to a sarc? I've just googled it and the nearest one is 10.6 miles away. There is no way I can drive that far in my state with my baby

OP posts:
Original poster
Whereswally2 · 12/06/2021 12:09

Also if I report him to the police will he lose his job? He works with vulnerable people...

OP posts:
MumInBrussels · 12/06/2021 12:54

@Whereswally2

Also if I report him to the police will he lose his job? He works with vulnerable people...
This isn't your problem. If he didn't want to lose his job, he shouldn't have raped anyone, should he? Perhaps he shouldn't be working with vulnerable people, if he's completely unable to control himself, anyway.

If the SARC would be difficult, is there an A&E or urgent care/out of hours GP or someone you could see instead? Could someone maybe give you a lift - a friend, maybe?

AutistGoth · 12/06/2021 13:01

If he works with vulnerable people and you report him, you will probably be saving them from being abused by this monster, too.

I can see from some of your posts that you are still trying to see the good in him, but none of that is your fault - he has gaslighted you to this state.

Please, OP: Take your beautiful baby, pack supplies for you both and leave. For your safety, for your baby's safety, perhaps even for the safety of the vulnerable people he works with: report him as soon as you feel strong enough. But first, try to get out of this situation. Flowers

Dashel · 12/06/2021 13:20

Please phone the police, they will help you and your child.

It’s not your problem if he looses his job.

If you don’t report this, how will your feel if he tells everyone that you broke up the family because you are crazy or seeing someone else or whatever lie he will fabricate to ensure that he is the winner and the one people feel sorry for.

He is a monster who can rape you in cold blood, but he is not going to be admitting that to friends and family.

It’s the right thing to do to report him, tell the police the truth and it will help keep you safe from him and ensure you are entitled to legal aid. It’s just one phone call to start with x you can do this x

Original poster
Whereswally2 · 12/06/2021 13:21

I've been trying to get through to the national rape hotline and keep getting disconnected because they are busy. It's awful really.

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 12/06/2021 13:24

Agree with Dashal and others, you need to report him.

Agree with Isthisit22 "Please call the police. You will regret it later if you don't.
In months and years to come you may be forced to have 50/50 custody, may not get legal aid, etc if you do not report this. If you report it, you will get more help and hopefully will not be forced to see him and do handovers etc in future (this would be done through a 3rd party).
Call the police. "

Dashel · 12/06/2021 13:32

What about trying 101? I know it’s scary and saying out loud is going to be hard, but they are specially trained and will help you x

AutistGoth · 12/06/2021 13:34

Good idea from @Dashel there.

MyMushroomsInATimeSlip · 12/06/2021 13:34

The police can help you get to the sarc. You're under no obligation for any evidence to be used but you will get the support you need right now

Redruby2020 · 12/06/2021 13:39

@Whereswally2

I'd just like to clarify him pushing my head has never resulted in me giving him oral! I know for a fact that would be rape and I would not need to be on the thread asking any questions, I would be gone! He has twice "playfully" pushed my head down to suggest oral and try to get me to do it.
Okay, that wasn't clear. So what has he been like when him pushing your head, has not meant you giving him oral?
timeisnotaline · 12/06/2021 13:41

@Redruby2020 perhaps that can wait, the op has enough on her immediate focus list. Let’s just encourage her to report the actual rape, not go on about his previous rapey behaviour right now.

Redruby2020 · 12/06/2021 13:43

@Dashel

Personally I think you should leave him ASAP.

But if you decide to make a go of it and you aren’t worried about him physically assaulting you, I would stand up to him, repeatedly and consistently and you start telling him that if he ever goes sex pest on you again, there will be no more sex and the relationship changes or you will leave. You would need to have a zero tolerance policy on abusive behaviour and be prepared to leave.

He either needs to grow up and be a real man and not a horny abusive sex pest or is emotionally manipulating you. And if he goes all self pitying then calm him out on it and say yes you are being a self pitying sex pest so stop it and learn from your mistakes otherwise you can go. You could even be nice and take him to the pub and sit him down and say these are the areas that need to change and i want this to work so I want you to change but if you can’t, then we are over.

I still think leaving would be better

It won't work, you can talk all you like and give warnings, problem is he has already done the things he has done, he can look remorseful etc afterwards that's all part of it, then it just becomes a habit of either being sorry after things have happened, or sulking victim playing. The only way they learn if at all, is when the end comes. I am sure I am not the only one on the thread who says what I do, as someone who has got rid of an abusive ex. I do get it is hard with a young baby too, as you are also vulnerable.
DrSbaitso · 12/06/2021 13:48

@Whereswally2

Also if I report him to the police will he lose his job? He works with vulnerable people...
They aren't safe with him.
Original poster
Whereswally2 · 12/06/2021 14:11

Update I spoke to the national rape hotline and the lady said some very conspicuous things to me. First of all she was talking about the morning after pill and said maybe I can just leave it and if worse case scenario explore an abortion .... like what the hell.
Then when I mentioned potentionally reporting to the police so I dont jeopardise future custody over my child so it's not my word against his she said it's pretty pointless and as it will still be my word against his anyways

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 12/06/2021 14:14

Report it anyway, she seems a weird person to work on a rape crisis line?!

MumInBrussels · 12/06/2021 14:15

Well, she sounds singularly unhelpful. I'm sorry, @Whereswally2 - you were brave to call and keep calling, and you deserved more support than that. I'd still go and see a doctor if you can (although actually, maybe the morning after pill is also not a terrible idea), since you can always decide to do nothing afterwards, but there will come a point when it'll be too late to collect any evidence if you did decide you wanted to press charges. At this stage, I'd do what you can to keep your options open while everything is feeling very confused and confusing.

Dashel · 12/06/2021 14:23

I’m sorry that you had such a bad experience. Please still phone the police on 101 and get this reported. You need to be firm that you want this looked into and stay strong x

I hope that the police are more helpful.

JamieLeeBee · 12/06/2021 14:32

My ex did similar, which I tried to laugh off...

He ended up being abusive, a serial cheater who cheated on me before, during and after I birthed his child, walked out on me and has continued to control and gaslight me ever since.

So please let me tell you, you are NOT being unreasonable, put a stop to it now.

whenthephonerings · 12/06/2021 14:56

I've not read the whole thread, only your original post, so have only two comments (which might be redundant in the context of the full thread)

  1. Most important. If you think he's been too forceful then it has to stop. That is totally wrong, end of story! And I say that as someone who does not really like softly softly (I prefer a good f**king Blush)
  1. You also say "He doesnt make me climax but then again no one ever has" Wow! That must be awful. Assuming you've climaxed yourself then it's a matter of showing your DP what works for you, that takes some time and trust, which does not seem the case.

He doesnt make me climax but then again no one ever has

whenthephonerings · 12/06/2021 14:58

... One more thought ... "Assuming you've climaxed yourself" .. in the unlikely event of NO, then there was a good thread a few months back back a woman who NEVER had an orgasm. That must be so weird, but it was interesting to read.

ICGPGP · 12/06/2021 15:07

OP, that sounds awful. Too much force is just wrong. As soon as you are out of your comfort zone it must stop. You need to prioritize your own safety.

The orgasm stuff is secondary by far. First you need a good/suitable DP. As a GP I've read and recommend: Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life ]]

It's well written, easy to read, full of information, and gives some sense of what is "normal" in a time when so much is distorted by movies, porn culture, etc.

BebesChamber · 12/06/2021 15:07

@JamieLeeBee @whenthephonerings Jesus Christ you really really really need to read the whole thread.

OP I'm so so sorry and sorry to hear your experience on the phone.
Please call the police if you haven't already. Do it for your baby if not for yourself.

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