Dp being too forceful

[Whereswally2]

sorry dont know If this will be triggering to some

A couple of times now whe do goes through his "extra on heat" days he has found it appropriate to grab my head and push me down onto him for oral. At the time I've thought nothing of it and would laugh at him whilst he was doing it, but I would be pushing back against him to get my head back up and he wouldnt give. I'm my partners first and only gf so I dont know where he has picked that up from (porn maybe?) I took it to be light hearted and would tell him that doing this would get him no where however now that I'm thinking about it, it's just plain disrespectful joke or not. I know that if I gave in and gave him head from it he would be quite happy so there is obviously some sort of truth to his actions. I just think it's a horrible way to show his frustration. We have a newborn and arent really having sex so yes he maybe horny but honestly this is just a turn off.

I know it sounds really bad writing it down and I most likely should of felt like this sooner but I'm used to my sexual encounters being a give and not receive bases so I guess it just went past me. Sad really. In terms of sex life it is never equal. Its primarily me performing for dp. I've gone above and beyond for him and cant say he has ever done anything for me. He doesnt make me climax but then again no one ever has. When I pull him up on it he says he would love to put more effort into me during sex but I dont let him and restrict him (which is not true I just dont like oral). He has plenty of opportunity but never acts upon it.

What I'm trying to get at is the head forcing something worth getting into an arguement about, because I know that's what it will become

@legotruck the timing is so horrific it seems like a bad joke doesnt it. I think that's why I'm more in shock. I feel like I foreshadowed what was to come. I highly doubt he has read this thread. I do think I want to get it taken down just incase he does though which is a shame because I can really do with the support and you've all given me great advice. No the argument wasnt sex related. It was over the shouting I posted about. Things escalated and i told him I had had enough of his repetitive behaviour. He has no self control when it comes to him lashing out and now him doing sexual things clearly. It took me completely by surprise. we only slept in the same bed because our baby isnt sleeping great and I didnt want to be up all night. He said because he was asleep and unaware he didnt have any context of us not being on good terms in his head.

Thankyou everyone for your responses I feel like when I do go back home this is all going to hit me like a ton of bricks so this is all helping x

@Nitpickpicnic

I’m feeling for you so much. It must have been so hard to make the call, only to find out that Covid (and likely poor funding) makes a refuge so difficult. And extra hard that your mum’s house isn’t an option. Don’t feel defeated though. Keep working through your contacts (health visitor? GP?) and friends/relatives. You need a break, and he needs a wake up call.

At least try for some couples counselling? Or counselling for you? It’s not ideal in abusive situations, but these aren’t normal times. I suspect this thread may have strengthened some ‘off’ feelings you’ve had for a long while, but tread carefully.

You can sort through these feelings and do more quiet research (look into gaslighting too) even if you are forced to stay in the same house for the moment. Be cool and calm, and prioritise your lovely baby.

And come back to MN. We’ll help where we can.

’couples counselling’ with a rapist, now I’ve heard it all.

I just cant get over the fact that I've tried so hard to keep our family unit together and I feel like him doing this has sealed the deal and made it so I'm unable to carry on with him. I'm angry. So angry. Why did he do this. I feel awful over the fact I'm going to have to take my baby away from him. DC loves their dad

He hasnt said anything to me other than a pathetically mumbled "I'm sorry" I think he even cried when I told him to go the spare room last night but I know he was crying because he knew he fucked up not because he hurt me and that makes it worse

If he can rape the woman he supposedly loves so much how do you know he won’t do it to someone else.

This is not OP responsibility and it is appalling of you to suggest so.

I wont be surprised if he will do it again because according to him he has no say or control. So basically he cannot be trusted when he sleeps. His urges get the better of him and the acts are against his own will.... I can never feel safe sleeping next to someone like that again.

Why can I not get angry at him for what he did? I feel so drained and numb.

You are likely to still be in shock OP. Anger may come later. Hope you are now somewhere safe and has some support xx

@Whereswally2

Why can I not get angry at him for what he did? I feel so drained and numb.

This is quite a common reaction to trauma, I think, @Whereswally2 - you're still processing what happened. Don't worry about it, I expect the anger will come. You'll probably go through quite a lot of emotions in the next few days/weeks - that's also normal, if that happens. One of them will probably be guilt, and/or a feeling that you could/should have done something differently, that things might have worked out differently if you'd done something different. Try to remember that none of this is your fault - he did this, he's the one that can't control himself, he hurt you and he's the one that caused you to have to leave.

His behaviour, all of it, has been appalling. It won't change. Your baby does not need him in its life unless he dramatically improves, and you never need him back in your life, no matter how much he promises he's changed. And it is his fault that things have worked out this way, not yours.

I'll be thinking of you, I hope you're doing ok. Do you have people in real life you can talk to about this? That might help.

It will be shock. It’s perfectly normally, I’m sure the anger will come in time.

Once you are out of the house, phone the police. You just need to think of it as one phone call, it’s just one small tiny step and then take each step as it comes after that. It’s just one small action, just one phone call.

They will help you and get you help and the services you need as you are right, you aren’t safe around him.

He can manage to leave the house without raping and assaulting women so he does have some control when it suits him. It’s just you that he thinks won’t have the strength to leave him or to report him.

What should I do in terms of our baby? My head is swimming and I dont have the slightest clue what is appropriate

@Whereswally2

What should I do in terms of our baby? My head is swimming and I dont have the slightest clue what is appropriate

Don't even think about it just now. Get safe and give yourself time.

Op the way you write about him makes it sound as if you don't know him very well/it's a new relationship yet you've just had a baby with him? How long have you been together.

I agree with the other pp that this is completely unacceptable

Sorry missed your updates op. Glad you're getting

Phone the police I’m sure that they will give advice and let you take the baby with you and give you advice about letting him have access.

You asked earlier about how you would be believed. If you allow a forensic examination of yourself they will chart all the injuries where you are bruised or swollen or like you said "carpet burns" down below. These will be seen as proof of unwanted sex as if you were consensual you would have been lubricated (for want of a better word). Have a look at the sexual violence clock theory for female abuse victims. Take your clothes that you were wearing, your underwear, the bedsheets. Put them in a clean bag and do not wash. Are there any SARC (sexual assault referral centres) near you? If you go there they will do all the examination and forensic stuff for you and will note everything down but you are under no obligation to pursue charges againat him. They will just gather the evidence in case you wish to pursue them later when you have gotten put and has time to think. They do not look like hospitals or police stations. They really are all about helping you and supporting you on a dignified and kind yet professional way. Stay strong OP. He is not a man. He is a bully. All he wants is power. This is not love. Its probably not even about sex, he gets off on having the power over you.

If you want I can chat if you want. As you might guess I know what this is like and have personal experience.

@therocinante

Yes, it's absolutely worth getting into an argument about, because it's horrible and aggressive. Giving him the benefit of the doubt and saying he's inexperienced and clumsy and has learnt too much from porn (as opposed to a sexually aggressive arsehole for fun), you need to be VERY clear that what he is doing is awful. That you're not a performing monkey and that you need him to understand that you also get to decide when you have sex and get something from it - what would he do if you pushed his head down!?

It sounds like you're both not communicating well about sex, but being selfish and aggressive and lazy in bed is grim and you deserve a lot better and it is absolutely worth having ONE big, important conversation with him.

Ask him:

• Whether he'd like his head pushed down like a fucking sex toy
• Whether he'd feel like having sex ever if he didn't come at all and you didn't even try and get him there - and if not, why should you
• Whether he will commit to actually listening to what you wamt during sex and to improving your sex life

If he isn't filled with shame and remorse for at best having unsatisfying and selfish sex and at worst, treating the mother of his child like a sex toy to be used, then I'd walk away. A relationship should be about respect and love and mutual enjoyment of each other, and he isn't showing you that.

This

@Whereswally2

What should I do in terms of our baby? My head is swimming and I dont have the slightest clue what is appropriate

Pack some stuff - clothes, nappies, toys, the things you'll need over the next week or so. Worry about the longer term later on. Right now, focus on the immediate tasks of getting yourself safe and, if you think there's any chance you might eventually want to press charges for rape, seeing a doctor/calling the police when you're somewhere safe, so they can collect the necessary evidence. They'll know what to do. The sexual assault referral centre a previous poster talked about sound really helpful - maybe google SARC and your area and see if there's one nearby? I'm sure you can take your baby with you if you don't have anyone who can look after him while you're there.

Please call the police. You will regret it later if you don't.
In months and years to come you may be forced to have 50/50 custody, may not get legal aid, etc if you do not report this. If you report it, you will get more help and hopefully will not be forced to see him and do handovers etc in future (this would be done through a 3rd party).
Call the police. He may even be a danger to your daughter in future

@Blubberingmess1

You asked earlier about how you would be believed. If you allow a forensic examination of yourself they will chart all the injuries where you are bruised or swollen or like you said "carpet burns" down below. These will be seen as proof of unwanted sex as if you were consensual you would have been lubricated (for want of a better word). Have a look at the sexual violence clock theory for female abuse victims. Take your clothes that you were wearing, your underwear, the bedsheets. Put them in a clean bag and do not wash. Are there any SARC (sexual assault referral centres) near you? If you go there they will do all the examination and forensic stuff for you and will note everything down but you are under no obligation to pursue charges againat him. They will just gather the evidence in case you wish to pursue them later when you have gotten put and has time to think. They do not look like hospitals or police stations. They really are all about helping you and supporting you on a dignified and kind yet professional way. Stay strong OP. He is not a man. He is a bully. All he wants is power. This is not love. Its probably not even about sex, he gets off on having the power over you.

If you want I can chat if you want. As you might guess I know what this is like and have personal experience.

This isn't true! Research shows that 52% of women can sustain vaginal injuries from consensual sex. Injuries alone do not prove rape. It is important to have them properly documented by a SARC doctor or nurse as part of the picture. the whole other package of care and support they can offer is invaluable. But please don't perpetuate the myth about women's bodies and how they 'should or shouldn't' look after sex. Other injuries to the rest of the body eg bruises and abrasions can be very helpful in showing force or violence

@Whereswally2

Thankyou everyone for the advice. In terms of physical evidence how will they get anything? I havent showered yet or changed undies but it's not like he held me down or I have marks on me? *@twinklystar23* I think that will be my approach just whilst I give myself some time (and hopefully some sleep) to get my head around things. I don't want to make any rash decisions right now. I think I'm still in shock

Google SARC and the nearest city to you. You can go to them as a self referral and not involve the police at this stage. You can then be examined and do samples (if you wish) and they can be stored while you work things out. They can also help with referrals and emotional support as well as Emergency Contraception. DM if you need more advice on how to make contact with one if you want to

So sorry OP this sounds horrific.