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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dp being too forceful

474 replies

Whereswally2 · 11/06/2021 10:51

sorry dont know If this will be triggering to some

A couple of times now whe do goes through his "extra on heat" days he has found it appropriate to grab my head and push me down onto him for oral. At the time I've thought nothing of it and would laugh at him whilst he was doing it, but I would be pushing back against him to get my head back up and he wouldnt give. I'm my partners first and only gf so I dont know where he has picked that up from (porn maybe?) I took it to be light hearted and would tell him that doing this would get him no where however now that I'm thinking about it, it's just plain disrespectful joke or not. I know that if I gave in and gave him head from it he would be quite happy so there is obviously some sort of truth to his actions. I just think it's a horrible way to show his frustration. We have a newborn and arent really having sex so yes he maybe horny but honestly this is just a turn off.

I know it sounds really bad writing it down and I most likely should of felt like this sooner but I'm used to my sexual encounters being a give and not receive bases so I guess it just went past me. Sad really. In terms of sex life it is never equal. Its primarily me performing for dp. I've gone above and beyond for him and cant say he has ever done anything for me. He doesnt make me climax but then again no one ever has. When I pull him up on it he says he would love to put more effort into me during sex but I dont let him and restrict him (which is not true I just dont like oral). He has plenty of opportunity but never acts upon it.

What I'm trying to get at is the head forcing something worth getting into an arguement about, because I know that's what it will become

OP posts:
twinklystar23 · 12/06/2021 05:52

If you are concerned about calling the police an Independent sexual adviser can help you, whether you are going to report to the police or not. Make sure you keep bedsheets noghtclothes etc, as these can be tested for forensic evidence (lasts 7 days) as others said do not shower the evidence is vital. Then you can think if you want to go ahead and make a full statement to the police. The ISVA service is there for you whether or not you choose to go ahead. They will likely refer you to a domestic violence adviser, as well so sorry your going through this, would send flowers but not able to add icon xx

Rmka · 12/06/2021 06:00

OP, so sorry he did this to you. Glad you have a plan for this morning. One step at a time.

Wishing you a lot of strength Flowers

Shutupyoutart · 12/06/2021 06:55

Oh sweetheart he's not a good man,good men don't rape their partners. I am so sorry this has happened, your head must be all over the place. I hope you are safe now with your family xx

Dashel · 12/06/2021 06:58

Your partner is a rapist and a very bad man, he knew exactly what he was doing and you must call the police now. He made a cold blooded decision to rape you when you were at your most helpless. You need to get angry and get the police to help to get justice.

I know it will be tough but they do have officers specially trained in this and the sooner you do it then the better the evidence will be.

You need to start believing that good men don’t do things like that, they really don’t. The vast majority of men would never do anything like that.

Classicbrunette · 12/06/2021 07:05

This reply has been deleted

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DrSbaitso · 12/06/2021 07:13

@Whereswally2

I have spoke to my family and will be leaving as soon as baby wakes. In terms of telling the police yes I know that's the right thing to do but I really just need to get my head around things first. I cant think clearly I am exhausted and can not sleep now. My partner isnt a bad man. Sounds silly I know but he genuinely is a good dad. He just isnt nice to me.
You need to put yourself and your child first. Get out, to your family or wherever you are safe, and after you have contacted police you can talk and think about this. The issue right now isn't whether he's a good person or a good dad deep down, it's your safety and your baby's. Doesn't matter if he's wonderful to everyone else in the world, you are not safe there and you need to get out. Never mind the philosophical questions of whether he's good or bad, you can think about that later. Just get out to safety.
mycatthinksshesatiger · 12/06/2021 07:15

@Classicbrunette why would the op want to stay and play sex games with a man who has raped her? This isn't a game. He has committed a criminal act.

DrSbaitso · 12/06/2021 07:17

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Repeats deleted post.

Smallredclip · 12/06/2021 07:26

@Classicbrunette WTF? Seriously??????

Comtesse · 12/06/2021 07:30

Hope you are with your family now Flowers

skodadoda · 12/06/2021 07:40

[quote Whereswally2]@ElizabethTudor he either gets defensive or shuts down completely and becomes a massive pity party. Then it results in me somehow having to coax him into being okay like he is the victim olin the situation because it's all woe is me[/quote]
Then it really is time for you to stop coaxing him into being ok. The best response to sulking is, ignore.

CutieBear · 12/06/2021 07:45

He is not a “good man.” He raped you. Don’t buy into the whole “instead of sleep talking, I have sex in my sleep.” Have your parents picked you and your DC up?

How old are you and how long have you been together? You say you’re his first girlfriend. He is mentally deranged and you need to stop pandering to him when he sulks about not getting his own way.

Smallredclip · 12/06/2021 07:45

@skodadoda read the thread...

Zzelda · 12/06/2021 07:52

Phone the police now. On Monday contact a solicitor about getting an injunction to keep him away from you - it sounds like you'd qualify for legal aid.

MumInBrussels · 12/06/2021 07:59

I'm so sorry @Whereswally2 - I hope you've left him. He's not a good man or a good dad, he's an abusive, rapey piece of shit. You - and your baby - deserve so much better.

If I were you, when you've got time, I'd start a new thread on the relationships board here on Mumsnet asking for advice on what your next steps need to be in terms of practically ending the relationship - but your immediate priority needs to be getting away from this arsehole and keeping yourself and your baby physically safe. You may or may not want to call the police - what he's done to you is a crime. www.nhs.uk/live-well/sexual-health/help-after-rape-and-sexual-assault/ has suggestions about other people you can talk to, like your GP or a nurse, or A&E, or there's a UK rape crisis helpline you can ring: 0808 802 9999

I hope you're ok - your going to have a rough few days and weeks ahead of you, but you can do this and come out the other side. We're all thinking of you.

rainbowstardrops · 12/06/2021 08:00

He's now raped you twice as well as the 'joking' shoving your head down on him! Call the bloody police!!!!!

Terminallysleepdeprived · 12/06/2021 08:03

@whereswally2 please take a look at this from the point of a mum...if your daughter told you this was happening what would you say to her?

He has attempted to rape you, has now physically raped you twice. This is not something you can brush aside.

Call the police, you need to report this. The next time he does it to you or someone else could end in a far worse ending.

As the survivor of partner rape I do understand why you are reluctant and scared. But you need to do it. Do not shower or leave it too long to report etc. I did and couldn't get enough evidence for the police to pursue and it kills me daily.

Adelais · 12/06/2021 08:04

Call the police. Even if you don’t press charges, the rape will still be documented which may help you in the future with custody or if you need a restraining order.

MyMushroomsInATimeSlip · 12/06/2021 08:16

How are you OP? Hope you have got your family helping you get away from this vile man.

You can get help at your local sexual assault referral centre. They can give you emotional and physical support, the morning after pill and collect evidence in case you want to involve the police in future. You can search online for your nearest one or phone the police or women's aid to find where it is.

If you feel able to tell us what part of the country you're in someone here will be able to find the info for you

Original poster
Whereswally2 · 12/06/2021 09:00

Thankyou everyone for the advice. In terms of physical evidence how will they get anything? I havent showered yet or changed undies but it's not like he held me down or I have marks on me? @twinklystar23 I think that will be my approach just whilst I give myself some time (and hopefully some sleep) to get my head around things. I don't want to make any rash decisions right now. I think I'm still in shock

OP posts:
Original poster
Whereswally2 · 12/06/2021 09:01

I'm in the middle of leaving now will update when back at home

OP posts:
junipertree2 · 12/06/2021 09:14

OP, it is possible that you have an outdated idea of the police, and maybe that you think they don't get involved between couples. This is absolutely not the case any more. There are specially trained police officers who deal with sexual assault and rape within families and couples, and you will be taken seriously and treated sensitively. Please contact the police and report him.

ZeldaPrincessOfHyrule · 12/06/2021 09:30

Please contact the police, OP. This is horrific - I'm so sorry it's happening to you. You and your baby do not deserve this, he's a manipulative abuser and you need to keep yourself and your child safe. I hope you're ok getting out of there Thanks

legotruck · 12/06/2021 09:32

@Whereswally2

I had a massive arguement with him and called it quits. Went to bed crying and told him in the morning I'd be gone. I've just been woken up by him having sex with me. I've just gone to the toilet and I'm shaking. He didnt use any protection. I'm so sore down there because he just went in me asleep. I asked him what the hell and he said he didnt know what he was doing he was asleep. I cant kick up right now my baby is beside me. I dont know what to do. I'm in shock.

The argument triggered another rape? Did you argue about the sex thing? Do you think he could have read this thread on your phone or something? It's odd that the same day you decide to post about it he rapes you again. I'm glad you are leaving, I'm just sorry it happened again before you managed to get away Sad

Shutupyoutart · 12/06/2021 09:32

One step at a time op. First things first is to get out safely with you and the baby which I'm glad to hear you are doing.When you are safe and have room to breathe you can process this and decide what you want to do. I don't know how it works with regards to getting evidence,I'm sure someone else will be better qualified to answer that but remember these people are highly trained specialists that know what to look for.you don't need to have been physically held down for them to get that proof op. I'm so sorry you are having to go through this it saddens me that so many women are victims to domestic abuse and rape at the hands of the very people who are meant to love and protect them. Take care of yourself, it's going to take you a long time to come to terms with all this so take it one little step at a time. Thinking of you x