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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Step Daughter every weekend

239 replies

DaisyBooToo · 10/06/2021 18:07

Hi, I really need objective opinions as I really don’t know if I am being out of line or not.
I have 2 dsd and 2 kids with DH. DSD are 18 and 15. dSD2 has decided to come to stay at ours every weekend and I am feeling a bit put out by this, I know in an ideal world I shouldn’t but should she not be starting to have her own social circle of friends rather than want to hang out with younger siblings 8 & 10? She has her own room here and sleeps till about 2pm with DH running up and down with breakfast in bed (12pm). DH has his friends round for beers in garden and I feel I am kind off stuck catering to the 3 kids when I would normally (pre this/covid) just take my 2 out for dinner or to friends, park, soft play etc all thing age appropriate but not for DSD2 that has a bit of a negative nelly attitude to most things (I am guessing typical teen behaviour). I also am concerned as to why she doesn’t want to spend time with her mum. I also feel like I can’t really arrange anything as I need to run it past DH so he can check it’s ok to not get DSD one night.
I have tried saying this to DH and he has gone mental at me saying I am being out of line it’s her house etc. Also that his 4 kids come first and are more welcome than me right now.
Am I being unreasonable to ask for 1 weekend in 4 to just be me and my 2?

OP posts:
HeckyPeck · 11/06/2021 09:57

No, you can't just do what you want. You made the choice to marry a man who has children

I married a man who has a child, but I can still do what I want because I didn't marry a selfish, lazy father who palms his responsibilities off on me.

Also to the people saying you knew what you were getting in to when you married a man with children, that is just not true. I, and many others, married a man with children and don't have to pick up the slack for a lazy father so it clearly isn't part of the deal.

OP's problems are because she's married to a lazy father, not because she's married to a father.

funinthesun19 · 11/06/2021 09:58

So if the father actually pulled his finger out, OP would have no issue with her DSD being there @InnaBun ? That's not the impression I'm getting

I think it would make a massive difference. It’s sometimes hard to be enthusiastic about stepchildren when their father is behaving like a dick.

DudeIsADude · 11/06/2021 10:13

@blahblahblah321

So if the father actually pulled his finger out, OP would have no issue with her DSD being there *@InnaBun* ? That's not the impression I'm getting
Well it's a start surely?! He should be bloody pulling his finger out regardless as to what OP has issue with.
blahblahblah321 · 11/06/2021 10:28

Oh absolutely it's a start! He's being a prick of a father and a prick of a husband IMO. My point was that some posters are painting it that the issue all stems with the husband, another poster pointed out that the OP is pushing her SD out and the response was that it was her husbands fault. I wondered how much was his fault, even if he was the most amazing dad, would OP still not want her SD there? The comment about PJ's, that's not going to change whether her husband sorts his act out or not.

I feel the crux of it is that OP resents her SD being there (and I think she knows that, based on her replies), and spoke about her husbands shitty behaviour and MH concerns as a way of justifying that.

Sometimesfraught82 · 11/06/2021 10:34

I have no advice
But same age children
And what caught my eye was “soft play”
For an 8 and 10!year old? Confused

Starlight39 · 11/06/2021 10:39

I think YABU that your solution is for her not to come every weekend - it needs to be her home. YANBU for not wanting to entertain her constantly. That's for her Dad to do or you all go somewhere together. If you want to do something, I'd be saying to her "I'm off out with the DC, you're welcome to come, we'll be doing x and y at z o'clock" or whatever and give her the option. Your DH is being unreasonable for wanting to have her there but for you to provide care/entertainment for all 3 kids.

It can't be helping her MH and negative thinking to be palmed off onto her stepmum all the time (no offence OP!).

funinthesun19 · 11/06/2021 10:40

I wondered how much was his fault, even if he was the most amazing dad, would OP still not want her SD there?

Like I said I think it would make a massive difference. The atmosphere would be different for a start and op would be less likely to feel the way she does about dsd being there.
In a lot of these scenarios where the stepmum is fed up, it all boils down to the father making things hard. Hence the comment from the previous poster about the father being the one at fault.

funinthesun19 · 11/06/2021 10:41

And what caught my eye was “soft play”
For an 8 and 10!year old?

What’s wrong with that? Confused The one near me is up to age 12.

honeygirlz · 11/06/2021 10:42

@Sometimesfraught82

I have no advice But same age children And what caught my eye was “soft play” For an 8 and 10!year old? Confused
You're easily confused, I remember going to Snakes and Ladders with my nieces and nephews when I was in my early 20s!

It was very big and amazing, we had lots of fun.

Groovee · 11/06/2021 10:47

I'd go about your weekends as you normally would. Especially if she's not getting up until 2pm.

I was the younger half sibling and even up to my dad's death, he prioritised his older children my whole life. Be the mum who prioritises her children and tells her step children the plans and a time and if not ready go without them.

LilMidge01 · 11/06/2021 10:47

Bluntly, your problem is that your DH doesnt spend his time with her when shes round but has beers with his friends, and your reaction is to blame and try to exclude a 15 year old girl from her father's house?!
YABVVVVVU
oh and dressing it up as faux concern for her social wellbeing is horrible. Be honest, you just dont like having her around. And I'm sure she has picked up on this too.
This poor girl
Stop taking it out on her and take it out on your DH for not spending any time with his own DD!!!

blahblahblah321 · 11/06/2021 10:49

@funinthesun19

I wondered how much was his fault, even if he was the most amazing dad, would OP still not want her SD there?

Like I said I think it would make a massive difference. The atmosphere would be different for a start and op would be less likely to feel the way she does about dsd being there.
In a lot of these scenarios where the stepmum is fed up, it all boils down to the father making things hard. Hence the comment from the previous poster about the father being the one at fault.

A lot of them do.

I was asking the question to the OP, would it make a difference to her. She asked for opinions from anyone, not just those that agree with her. My opinion is that her husband is a prat, if he is the reason she feels upset about her SD then I don't think she's being unreasonable at all. It's not her job to look after her, and he needs to step up for all of his children.
If actually, the issue is simply that OP resents her SD being there every weekend, regardless of how her husband behaves, then I think she is being a bit unreasonable.

CookieClub · 11/06/2021 11:18

@DaisyBooToo

Hi, I really need objective opinions as I really don’t know if I am being out of line or not. I have 2 dsd and 2 kids with DH. DSD are 18 and 15. dSD2 has decided to come to stay at ours every weekend and I am feeling a bit put out by this, I know in an ideal world I shouldn’t but should she not be starting to have her own social circle of friends rather than want to hang out with younger siblings 8 & 10? She has her own room here and sleeps till about 2pm with DH running up and down with breakfast in bed (12pm). DH has his friends round for beers in garden and I feel I am kind off stuck catering to the 3 kids when I would normally (pre this/covid) just take my 2 out for dinner or to friends, park, soft play etc all thing age appropriate but not for DSD2 that has a bit of a negative nelly attitude to most things (I am guessing typical teen behaviour). I also am concerned as to why she doesn’t want to spend time with her mum. I also feel like I can’t really arrange anything as I need to run it past DH so he can check it’s ok to not get DSD one night. I have tried saying this to DH and he has gone mental at me saying I am being out of line it’s her house etc. Also that his 4 kids come first and are more welcome than me right now. Am I being unreasonable to ask for 1 weekend in 4 to just be me and my 2?
You have a DH problem.

Seems it's all about him? Beers with mates whilst you cater to the kids.

How about arrange a cocktail evening and have some of your friends over and let him parent the kids for a change...?

Whyhello · 11/06/2021 11:21

She’s 15 and she stays in bed till 2pm anyway. I’m not sure why she’s preventing you from taking your DC out to softplay or whatever else you want to do with them. She isn’t really, you’re just making excuses as to why you don’t want to spend time with her every weekend. Of course that isn’t fair, your DH is her Father and she’s entitled to see him as often as she wants. I don’t think it’s about not wanting to spend time with her Mother, she presumably spends the other 5 days with her Mum? So it’s more about wanting to also see her Dad which is fine.

I never understand why people choose to marry someone who has children if they don’t actually want to be a step-parent.

Lauren345 · 11/06/2021 11:25

@Sometimesfraught82

I have no advice But same age children And what caught my eye was “soft play” For an 8 and 10!year old? Confused
Did you know that there are soft plays(like the one near me) who caters for adults? Like proper adult soft play and it is so fun! 😁

Majority of soft plays cater up to 12yo though.

Soft play is for all ages 😁

purplebagladylovesgin · 11/06/2021 11:27

If you view all your children as one family you would absolutely take the younger two out. The dynamic is changed only by your perception of DSD vs biological children. If you'd adopted 4 similar aged children would you be thinking as you are?

Its absolutely acceptable to take children out without the others. It's what each child needs that's important. Meeting their individual needs. I don't think for one minute think a 15 year old would get upset about not sitting in a ball pit or playing on the swings.

Just consider the needs of each and try to find a good way forwards. Some activities will be as a family, lots won't be. But don't feel guilty about meeting the needs of one child at a time if that's what it takes.

She sounds like a completely normal 15 year old (mine is still asleep and will grunt at me around 1pm).
And believe me, it might seem hard but having a dysfunctional 15 year old is so much harder. It's lovely she feels comfortable in her home and she wants to be at home with you. That's another big positive.

I think you should give yourself credit for parenting well. She obviously feels it's home. And if she's in bed until mid afternoon this gives you lots of time to do stuff with the younger ones. I'd say it's good timing rather than an issue.

TooYoungToNotice · 11/06/2021 11:30

He's emotionally blackmailing you into being the substitute mother for his kid, who he has parented to behave like an overgrown toddler. Sleeping until two? Breakfast in bed? Everyone hanging around until she deigns to bestow them with her presence. No wonder you are pissed off OP.

It's not your job to be her mother OP, just to welcome her when she is there. My parents have more than five marriages (less than ten though!) between them. By her age I understood perfectly well that blended families take compromise from everyone. She's not a baby, she's not far off adulthood, she also needs to take some responsibility for fitting in. Really though, the issue is with your husband. How dare he effectively tell you off for not wanting to pick up his slack.

As usual the step mum threads are rife with misogyny. You can practically play sexist bingo. Remember the rules OP.

You must give up your life as soon as you partner a man with children (he will retain all of his freedom to behave like a single man).

You must do absolutely everything to parent a child who is not biologically yours. Whilst not interfering in any way as you are not her real mum.

You must put your needs aside so that your husband can be free to party with his mates. For God's sake though, make sure you put the children above everything. You are a Mum now. Don't you understand that, you're not really a person in your own right.

It's imperative as a woman with kids that if you do split, you facilitate a relationship with the father and model good behaviour. Yes he may not want them for any real chunk of time but as a man, it's his right to be a Disney dad. In this instance he's gone on to remarry and have two more children but as a woman you would of course be expected to remain single. As someone on this thread quite rightly pointed out, the biological mother in this case may well be at fault and causing the teen's bad behaviour as she may have had the temerity to get a boyfriend (she might not have one but let's blame her too just in case, she is a woman after all). Obviously she doesn't realise that her role as a person has to be subsumed until all of her children are grown and gone and she is left alone like a forgotten incubator.

If you are a woman, you simply can't win. The double standards are rife.

It's no wonder patriarchy reigns strong is it, when there are just SO MANY women willing to do the job of oppressing and undermining other women for the benefit of men.

I really hope you give your DH a piece of your mind OP. If my husband treated me like some sort of babysitting skivvy, I'd be seriously reevaluating the relationship and explaining to him just how very little I like him at that point.

sauceyorange · 11/06/2021 11:31

I can't believe her dad takes her breakfast in bed 😮

Just leave her to her own devices, the last thing a 15yo wants or needs is being observed all day

BillieSpain · 11/06/2021 11:44

I don't understand. DH is getting her breakfast in bed and letting her do exactly what she wants and needs to do at the weekend. Relax, sleep in and feel at home.

My DD (13) loves the exact same thing. She is exhausted from school/work/exams and wants to have down time. You are simply judging his parenting his DD who is a teen. He is being ideal here, believe me. You do not have experience of teens yet.

I think you resent doing the majority of childcare for your young DC's. Is that the case?

Nothing wrong with DH having his friends round for a few beers at the weekend. Or is there? Why? What is wrong with that?

Just do your stuff. This is not about DSD, she is happy doing her own thing.

This is about you bothered by something else. You are making problems where there are none, you absolutely cannot ban his DD for any weekend/day/month/event at all or ever.

You sound dreadfully unreasonable.

BillieSpain · 11/06/2021 11:53

Also, it's been said more than once, by PP's 'Her DF is just getting pissed' You have let that stand as true.

You didn't say this. Is he rollling around drunk or simply having a few friends over (now lockdown is over and the weather is nice) and having a few beers? Which, IMVHO, is absolutely fine.

I agree with a PP, she sees her DM all week. Why can't she see her DF at weekends?

DudeIsADude · 11/06/2021 11:59

@BillieSpain

I don't understand. DH is getting her breakfast in bed and letting her do exactly what she wants and needs to do at the weekend. Relax, sleep in and feel at home.

My DD (13) loves the exact same thing. She is exhausted from school/work/exams and wants to have down time. You are simply judging his parenting his DD who is a teen. He is being ideal here, believe me. You do not have experience of teens yet.

I think you resent doing the majority of childcare for your young DC's. Is that the case?

Nothing wrong with DH having his friends round for a few beers at the weekend. Or is there? Why? What is wrong with that?

Just do your stuff. This is not about DSD, she is happy doing her own thing.

This is about you bothered by something else. You are making problems where there are none, you absolutely cannot ban his DD for any weekend/day/month/event at all or ever.

You sound dreadfully unreasonable.

No it sounds like the DSD comes to see her siblings and would be upset if they went out without her which makes OP feel like she can't go anywhere with the younger DC without inviting DSD along too which then means that OP spends the day looking after younger DC and DSD whilst her husband stays home to get drunk in their garden.

If DSD was just chilling out at home I'd think OP were unreasonable. But I get the distinct impression that OP feels she can't go anywhere with her DC without also taking DSD.

DudeIsADude · 11/06/2021 12:00

@BillieSpain

Also, it's been said more than once, by PP's 'Her DF is just getting pissed' You have let that stand as true.

You didn't say this. Is he rollling around drunk or simply having a few friends over (now lockdown is over and the weather is nice) and having a few beers? Which, IMVHO, is absolutely fine.

I agree with a PP, she sees her DM all week. Why can't she see her DF at weekends?

If he's doing that whilst expecting OP to take his daughter out along with all their other kids it's not fine.
DudeIsADude · 11/06/2021 12:01

And if it's acceptable to expect OP to be absolutely fine with always having to take her DSD out with her to do what she wants to do, see her friends etc... Then it's also fine for the DH to have his daughter with him when his mates come over.

Iceybirb · 11/06/2021 12:03

If she's 15 she's capable of staying home alone if she doesn't want to join your activities.

Can't you say to her on a Friday night that you're doing X Y Z on Saturday, leaving the house at 10:30, would she like to come?

Then she can come if she wants, but can stay in bed if she wants. It's up to her, she's not being excluded.

InnaBun · 11/06/2021 12:04

I can't speak for OP but I know if I was left to look after my DH's daughter while he had a nice time with his mates every weekend I would start to resent the situation regardless of what I felt about his daughter as a person.