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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Step Daughter every weekend

239 replies

DaisyBooToo · 10/06/2021 18:07

Hi, I really need objective opinions as I really don’t know if I am being out of line or not.
I have 2 dsd and 2 kids with DH. DSD are 18 and 15. dSD2 has decided to come to stay at ours every weekend and I am feeling a bit put out by this, I know in an ideal world I shouldn’t but should she not be starting to have her own social circle of friends rather than want to hang out with younger siblings 8 & 10? She has her own room here and sleeps till about 2pm with DH running up and down with breakfast in bed (12pm). DH has his friends round for beers in garden and I feel I am kind off stuck catering to the 3 kids when I would normally (pre this/covid) just take my 2 out for dinner or to friends, park, soft play etc all thing age appropriate but not for DSD2 that has a bit of a negative nelly attitude to most things (I am guessing typical teen behaviour). I also am concerned as to why she doesn’t want to spend time with her mum. I also feel like I can’t really arrange anything as I need to run it past DH so he can check it’s ok to not get DSD one night.
I have tried saying this to DH and he has gone mental at me saying I am being out of line it’s her house etc. Also that his 4 kids come first and are more welcome than me right now.
Am I being unreasonable to ask for 1 weekend in 4 to just be me and my 2?

OP posts:
cherrytreesa · 11/06/2021 00:20

No, you can't just do what you want. You made the choice to marry a man who has children

What? Uh yes she can! The DSD is there for contact with her father.
Any excuse to step-mum bash eh? This is the 2nd thread today where posters are making up any old bollocks to enable them to have a go at step-mums.

Greenmarmalade · 11/06/2021 00:31

He’s a dick.

Poor girls.

TheTuesdayPringle · 11/06/2021 01:19

OP maybe she has MH problems, maybe she doesn't. As you say, her healthcare is her parents' responsibility. But the behaviour you have described in here does not sound unusual or worrying.

It's hard being 15. The friendship difficulties you describe are rife at 14/15/16.

And it's hard for teenager to move between homes.

Just because her big sister is coping well, doesn't mean she should be the same. We can't know what she is experiencing but she does sound a bit unhappy.

I think try to expect less of her and more of your partner.

You have mentioned scenarios around breaking up which suggests there is a fair amount of tension in the relationship (which no doubt the children have picked up on)

It sounds pretty miserable all round. Look after yourself. If he doesn't see the issue or step up it might be time to think about moving on. Might be exactly why he and his ex split...

violetbunny · 11/06/2021 01:26

If she is allegedly coming over to spend time with the little ones then all the more reason to let HIM step up and parent the lot of them at the weekend.

timeisnotaline · 11/06/2021 01:29

Whether he’s open to talking now or not doesn’t change the fact that you can go out on Saturday with your two to do something they want to do. I’d tell sd and say welcome to join we are leaving at 10. Or if they are going to a friends I wouldn’t say welcome to join just as I wouldn’t if they were my own 15 yo.

CorianderBee · 11/06/2021 01:36

This reply has been deleted

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MoppaSprings · 11/06/2021 01:43

Doesn’t sound like the father makes much effort with her.
The SD is there to spend time with her younger siblings. So OP should make arrangements to drink in the garden with her mates and leave her DH to parent the children. The SD gets to spend time with her siblings and with her Dad, the OP gets a bit of time to herself.

AcrossthePond55 · 11/06/2021 01:47

There is an age gap between my two that, when they were young, meant that DS2 would want to do things DS1 had no interest in and that DS1 would want to do things that weren't age appropriate for DS2. So there were times when one went and the other stayed home or did something else with the other parent. No big deal.

If I were you, because DSD sleeps in, I'd start proceeding with plans with the younger children at the weekend. If DSD wants to go, she can get up and get ready. If she doesn't want to go, she stays home and fends for herself. At 15 she's perfectly capable of getting her own breakfast or lunch and of entertaining herself. If DSD starts regularly coming along, then perhaps you can start planning things that might 'work' for all of them.

As far as her being socially isolated, that is something her parents need to deal with. Beyond perhaps making a suggestion or two of things she might like that would put her with other kids her age (swim club, group lessons, a 'cause' she's interested in or the like) I'd stay out of it.

Quaggars · 11/06/2021 02:08

YABU.
He's their Dad.
They, and him, presumably want to spend time together.

Yaya26 · 11/06/2021 02:10

It’s not your DSD who is the problem. It’s your husband. Time he starting putting his kids before mates and yourself. X

NumberTheory · 11/06/2021 03:24

@Quaggars

YABU. He's their Dad. They, and him, presumably want to spend time together.
You've failed to read the OP's posts fully.
MinnieJackson · 11/06/2021 03:56

I think it's really nice your stepdaughter wants to be at your house, you're obviously doing something right Flowers teenages sleep a lot aswell! She probably does have friends aswell, but if she wants to stay at your house and not too much of a pain then I'd let her.
What do you do when your husband's having beers in the garden?.can you join when the kids are asleep?

DudeIsADude · 11/06/2021 05:37

Few things here imo...

Those saying 'you knew he had kids, you should have realised they could live with you at any point'... Ignore them. Those are the bores who offer no real constructive advice on these threads. You may understand that DSC could live with you or choose to stay more one day but the reality of it actually happening can be different and you are entitled to have feelings about the matter.

It sounds as if your DH leaves the parenting to you whilst he gets pissed in the garden. So no wonder you'd prefer her not to be there imo. It's more work for you. If your DH is happy for her to stay every weekend that's great, but he should be looking after her and spending time with her. He doesn't get to have his weekend completely undisturbed whilst you do everything. No wonder he's happy with the set up. Nothing has changed for him. Stop that.

It sounds as though the issue with just going out with your kids is that your DSD wants to hang out with them all the time and so would be upset at not being included? Is that right?

That's tough and I don't envy you the situation but I'm one of the horrible people on Mumsnet who think resident children do matter as well and should be entitled to have time with their parent solo. By all means invite DSD occasionally to go along with you but it would be good for her to spend some time with her Dad and it is also good for your DC to spend time with you. Do not stop doing things with your DC on your own if you want to. Not for anyone. They deserve your time and yes sometimes they deserve it to be focused entirely on them.

If DH has a problem with that he can lift his head out if his pint for a bit and parent his own child.

DudeIsADude · 11/06/2021 05:39

@MoppaSprings

Doesn’t sound like the father makes much effort with her. The SD is there to spend time with her younger siblings. So OP should make arrangements to drink in the garden with her mates and leave her DH to parent the children. The SD gets to spend time with her siblings and with her Dad, the OP gets a bit of time to herself.
And honest to God I'd do this just to make a point.

Arrange your friends to come round at the weekend for a few garden drinks. Tell DH that he's obviously so keen to spend the time with DSD that you assumed he wouldn't be using the garden this weekend.

Not because she's unwelcome but because her father should not be palming off responsibility to you.

stackemhigh · 11/06/2021 06:42

@MinnieJackson

I think it's really nice your stepdaughter wants to be at your house, you're obviously doing something right Flowers teenages sleep a lot aswell! She probably does have friends aswell, but if she wants to stay at your house and not too much of a pain then I'd let her. What do you do when your husband's having beers in the garden?.can you join when the kids are asleep?
Nice for who?! Not nice for the OP.

Not every woman wants to play Mother Earth while the actual father pisses about getting drunk.

stackemhigh · 11/06/2021 06:44

@CorianderBee you are projecting, it’s not the OP who is at fault here. Blame the actual father.

3Britnee · 11/06/2021 06:44

@DaisyBooToo

Hi, I really need objective opinions as I really don’t know if I am being out of line or not. I have 2 dsd and 2 kids with DH. DSD are 18 and 15. dSD2 has decided to come to stay at ours every weekend and I am feeling a bit put out by this, I know in an ideal world I shouldn’t but should she not be starting to have her own social circle of friends rather than want to hang out with younger siblings 8 & 10? She has her own room here and sleeps till about 2pm with DH running up and down with breakfast in bed (12pm). DH has his friends round for beers in garden and I feel I am kind off stuck catering to the 3 kids when I would normally (pre this/covid) just take my 2 out for dinner or to friends, park, soft play etc all thing age appropriate but not for DSD2 that has a bit of a negative nelly attitude to most things (I am guessing typical teen behaviour). I also am concerned as to why she doesn’t want to spend time with her mum. I also feel like I can’t really arrange anything as I need to run it past DH so he can check it’s ok to not get DSD one night. I have tried saying this to DH and he has gone mental at me saying I am being out of line it’s her house etc. Also that his 4 kids come first and are more welcome than me right now. Am I being unreasonable to ask for 1 weekend in 4 to just be me and my 2?
I'd fucking leave if he said that to me.
Whatafustercluck · 11/06/2021 07:00

I don't think you have a dsd problem, I think you have a husband problem, as is often the case in these blended family posts. The fathers are either Disney dads who just want to spoil their kids and never tell them off because they feel bad for abandoning their first family, or they do fuck all with their own kids and expect their new partner to pick up the slack. And guess who gets the bashing? Yep, the stepmum who is left trying to work it all out.

Your stepdaughters should always feel that your home is their home op. Sorry, but the people telling you you knew he had dc when you got together are right.

But you've got teenagers who are, or will shortly be, of adult age. You don't need to be d over backwards to include them in everything and neither will they want that. You simply say "I'm going to the park/ soft play/ for lunch with your siblings - want to come?" She'll probably mostly say no thanks. Her choice, you get to do something nice with your two. If she comes with you, I'd think it was lovely she wants to be with her siblings and you.

If your dh isn't pulling his weight, or is going over the top serving breakfast in bed (never heard of anything so ridiculous at 15!) then tell him it's not on. But make it about him, not his kids.

RedthroatedCaracara · 11/06/2021 07:21

OP - I don't think it's unreasonable for you to want 1 weekend in 4 without your DSD.

timeisnotaline · 11/06/2021 07:57

I don’t think it’s unreasonable if you want the next couple of months with him managing all the dc on the weekend. It’s not parenting unless you’re parenting, not drinking with friends, and he’s supposed to be parenting.

InnaBun · 11/06/2021 08:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn as it quotes a deleted post.

blahblahblah321 · 11/06/2021 08:31

So if the father actually pulled his finger out, OP would have no issue with her DSD being there @InnaBun ? That's not the impression I'm getting

Sonofabiscuit · 11/06/2021 09:04

OP you have 5 children, the 5th being your Dh.

Kumonkumon · 11/06/2021 09:33

"But contact is for the Dad"

Who says, the courts? That's pedantic really. Family relations are emotional not rule based. She might like to come for her siblings or for her dad, or to chill out or just to be... Doesn't matter, cos its her home and she should be welcome.

DudeIsADude · 11/06/2021 09:37

@Kumonkumon

"But contact is for the Dad"

Who says, the courts? That's pedantic really. Family relations are emotional not rule based. She might like to come for her siblings or for her dad, or to chill out or just to be... Doesn't matter, cos its her home and she should be welcome.

Regardless, it shouldn't be left down to OP to parent her every weekend whilst her husband gets pissed. I'd say the same even if she were OPs daughter. It shouldn't be down to one parent to do everything at the weekend whilst the other has a jolly in the garden with their mates. And when the child in question isn't OPs it's even more of a piss take.