To ask MIL to move out...

[pip16]

FIL very suddenly & unexpectedly passed away in January.

MIL was very understandably distraught.

DH suggested she come to stay with us as he didn’t think she would manage being alone.

I of course was on board with this, i was also
still on maternity leave in Jan & thought MIL & me would both benefit from the company.

DH & I didn’t discuss at the time how long she’d stay, but I assumed it would be a few weeks / a month at the most.

Fast forward nearly 5 months, and MIL is still living with us!

She goes back to her house evey so often to check for mail but pretty much all of her clothes are at our house.

I’m now back at work 3 days a week and when I come home MIL has made dinner, she does our washing, and our cleaning, she even does our ironing.
She will wake up early with DC is very hands
on.

All of this is lovely, and of course I’m appreciative, but it’s making me feel redundant as a wife and mother and very much like a guest in my own home.

I can’t remember the last time DH & I had a night to ourselves (whilst DC is in bed) because MIL
is always sat with us, and most of the time we’re watching her soaps with her.

DH has stopped wanted to have sex as often, because MIL is in the next room and he feels weird about it.

DH & I both booked and at off work last week whilst DC was at nursery.
We went out for lunch (just the two of us) I would’ve loved to come home and had the house to ourselves and spent the afternoon in bed to together, but, we couldn’t.

I’ve brought it up with DH several times now, but his response is always that he doesn’t want to upset her and we don’t have a “proper” reason to ask her to leave as she’s so nice to us.

Yes, she is nice, but I want my house back, I want my husband and baby to myself again, I want to have sex with my husband where I / we is allowed to at least heavy breathe 🙄

I’m sure I will sound ungrateful and uncaring for feeling this way; I’m really not.
But I don’t think not wanting to live with my MIL is unreasonable.

Should I bring it up with her myself. AIBU to ask her to go back to her own house?

Op if it continues much longer she will never go. Not an easy conversation

@pip16 - have you had a conversation yet with either your DH or your MiL??

I feel terrible for you and for your MIL OP, it's a very sad awkward situation... she likely did all those things for her DH and is now doing them for you guys... filling a void..

I agree, she needs to go home. but it's ooh so awkward...

I don't envy you both having THE CHAT... hides under duvet...

YANBU. That's ridiculous.
She has some neck thinking that she can just move in with you.
So, is she to stay there for the rest of her life, like 25- 30 years, or something, according to your DH?

I would TELL him that she has to move back to her home.
I would TELL him that you will reconsider your marriage to him, if he doesn't stop being such a twat.
He sounds very self absorbed and selfish but of course he gets that from his own mother.

Have you posted about this before?

She has no intention of moving out.
That's hugely selfish of her.

She probably doesn't want to go home because then she has to really face up to the loss of her husband. There will be reminders of him everywhere and it will be overwhelming.

Perhaps strike up a conversation about her house - ask her if she's going to sell it and buy somewhere new? Start a new chapter?

If she's doing all your housework and cooking and getting up with your baby then she sounds quite considerate and decent. I would imagine if you have a gentle conversation about this, she will get the message and wouldn't want to intrude.

If she does react badly then... eh. It's ultimately not her decision to say she's going to move in with you permanently. That's up to you and DH. Don't be bullied.

You sound like a lovely close family and there has been a huge loss, but I think you both need to talk to her gently about going back home. I would absolutely hate your situation, having someone in the house all the time and taking over everything so I think you’ve done well to support her and tolerate this-but you must tell your husband enough is enough. Unless you come from a culture where such living is the norm, this will not do your marriage and home life any good in the long term. Maybe suggest you will be around for her but it’s time to start her own life again, and if staying in her home is too difficult, you can look at new properties with her. But she can’t hijack your life ad infinitum.

Thinking of it statistically, more women experience widowhood, and therefore living in the house they shared with their husband. It's normal. This is not to discount the MIL's particular feelings, but nothing the OP has posted suggests that it is too painful for her.

At 60 she is far from elderly (though MNers on other threads would say it emphatically is). The childcare and housework has clearly given her a focus which for others would be working outside the home. Some way of maintaining this, being with the children, not swabbing the decks, would be good.

What really matters here is the effect this is having on the OP and DH's life. The DH, and I do mean him, not the OP, has to have the conversation.

The idea of helping decorate, to give it a fresh start as suggested up thread might help. My late MIL moved out of the marital bedroom when her husband died, though I don't know her reasons. She also got right back on the horse of the social life. Now I think of it, her life improved in this respect as a widow, though her DH wasn't monster.

Feeling odd in the company of couples is not unusual, though it's nettle to be grasped, not least because quite often old friends fall away after the death of the husband. I have my own experience of this, and it's very hurtful.

Full disclosure: I was widowed at 61, am now 67, and the very idea of living with my DC, even if they did have their own home, would do my head in.

66!!!!!!

Agree have a practical discussion around long term plans. Does she want to keep the house, sell, redecorate, change things around. You can offer help and support to her to do this and it may give her a gentle hint it's time to start thinking about rebuilding her own life rather then her feeling like she has to leave immediately. Perhaps you'd feel better if things were moving in the right direction.

@LadyEuphemia

Best do it now. My Uncle’s MIL did the same thing when her husband died. She finally left, when they carried her out for her funeral 28 years later.

My poor Uncle did admit it was because they had been too polite to ask her to leave in that first year, and then it was too late.

Well there’s a cautionary tale. 28 years!

I thought the suggestion to help sort through her husband’s stuff was very good. If she hasn’t been back, it might be overwhelming and scary. Perhaps even some decorating would help her have a fresh start. No changes without her permission but i imagine it would be terribly disconcerting for her being in their place and expecting to see him since it’s exactly the same.

Sell both houses and buy a big house with a granny annexe. Problem solved.

I've been in a similar situation. You need to move out. You have an option I didn't have- an empty home for free. Leave DH and his mum to live together.

Also if she hasn’t lived in the house for 5 months she may have invalidated her house insurance. Usually you can’t leave house unoccupied for longer than 3 months. My in laws moved abroad for a while and this a real worry before they let their house.

@pip16 as this was started 10th June has there been any progress on the MIL move out front? When this thread popped up I thought you had come back to update it but it was resurrected by another poster.

I think a lot of us would love an update.

she sounds lovely but 60.. still young enough to have children at university and to be working. No need for her to move into smaller accommodation. How about you say how lovely she has been and as its time to move back to her own home, does she want to do it all at once or would she like your or DH to come and stay the first night. Perhaps she would like to come and stay on the days you are working to help out with childcare for another monthor two if that would be good for you for a time. Maybe ask her if she would like to consider getting a local job near her house to keep her busy. or what activities she might wish to sign up for in her home. she probably needs to get back home and build a life for herself. staying part time with you may make her feel very old and dependent. good luck.

Exactly! This woman has, with any luck, got decades of fulfilling life ahead of her. Creating dependency in her is not doing her any favours at all. She'll end up old before her time

I know I'm getting very invested in this, but as someone also widowed relatively early, I can see how dangerous this supposedly temporary arrangement is. Going back to her home has to be broached as the positive thing that it is. She has her life ahead of her. I don't know what I'd be like now if I'd allowed myself to be mollycoddled this way.

Losing one's spouse is devastating. But it's a grief and a life that has to move forward. I'm happy, adventurous and independent now, and the MIL in this case needs to find that in herself again

This. The OP and her DH have done a lovely, generous thing but it's now at the tipping point of inadvertently creating harm, because it's allowing the MIL to evade difficult things that she has to face up to, to allow her to continue with her own life, post-bereavement.

Can't believe the number of posters suggesting a granny annexe or moving in permanently. The woman is 60! She might have 30 or 40 years ahead of her.

YANBU. I think your DH is being really passive and he will regret it in the long term. Unfortunately this affects you in a big way. I agree with previous posters about having a serious conversation with him and really laying out what is going to happen if he doesn’t talk to his mother and make plans for the future where she doesn’t live with you. It needs to be sensitively handled but putting his head in the sand won’t help. Good luck OP.

Can she afford to keep running her house? Can she pay the bills? This is worth looking at. What’s her financial situation if she doesn’t work?

I've bought a house with my son and daughter in law because they can't get on the property ladder but we live STRICTLY separate lives. I work full time so I'm out all day and the new house is divided in two with separate entrances. We don't want to see each other everyday.
I wouldn't dream of imposing on them like that.
I think it's time for a chat about boundaries.

I'm 60 by the way too. It works very very well as long as everybody knows exactly where they stand. There is no way either of us would wander into the others part of the home. We all agreed this before we moved in together.

I don’t know, she sounds like the Mary Poppins I wish I had found when I so needed free child care and baby sitting. Is her house far? I would be tempted to mention your OH is feeling a bit off sex as he doesn’t want his mum to hear him and ask her to borrow her house for some privacy from time to time.

If she is a nice person she will either hand you the keys or start disappearing from your house more often 🙂

Oh, she is sixty??? No, she should be moving back and rebuilding a new life in due time. She is too young to reduce her life spend to watching grand kids and soap operas.

Just have loud sex and the problem solves itself!

Seriously though you have a few options:
-status quo

• hotel sex
• sex at her house
• buy a bigger house together
• find her a new house closer to you
• gradual return home for her
• immediate move

She will probably need some help though.