To ask MIL to move out...

[pip16]

FIL very suddenly & unexpectedly passed away in January.

MIL was very understandably distraught.

DH suggested she come to stay with us as he didn’t think she would manage being alone.

I of course was on board with this, i was also
still on maternity leave in Jan & thought MIL & me would both benefit from the company.

DH & I didn’t discuss at the time how long she’d stay, but I assumed it would be a few weeks / a month at the most.

Fast forward nearly 5 months, and MIL is still living with us!

She goes back to her house evey so often to check for mail but pretty much all of her clothes are at our house.

I’m now back at work 3 days a week and when I come home MIL has made dinner, she does our washing, and our cleaning, she even does our ironing.
She will wake up early with DC is very hands
on.

All of this is lovely, and of course I’m appreciative, but it’s making me feel redundant as a wife and mother and very much like a guest in my own home.

I can’t remember the last time DH & I had a night to ourselves (whilst DC is in bed) because MIL
is always sat with us, and most of the time we’re watching her soaps with her.

DH has stopped wanted to have sex as often, because MIL is in the next room and he feels weird about it.

DH & I both booked and at off work last week whilst DC was at nursery.
We went out for lunch (just the two of us) I would’ve loved to come home and had the house to ourselves and spent the afternoon in bed to together, but, we couldn’t.

I’ve brought it up with DH several times now, but his response is always that he doesn’t want to upset her and we don’t have a “proper” reason to ask her to leave as she’s so nice to us.

Yes, she is nice, but I want my house back, I want my husband and baby to myself again, I want to have sex with my husband where I / we is allowed to at least heavy breathe 🙄

I’m sure I will sound ungrateful and uncaring for feeling this way; I’m really not.
But I don’t think not wanting to live with my MIL is unreasonable.

Should I bring it up with her myself. AIBU to ask her to go back to her own house?

I'm 60 too. Wouldn't dream of doing this to my family, whatever the reason. Surely she knows better? Your DH is either telling her it's ok for her to stay or she doesn't care about your privacy.
Your DH needs to have a quiet word and maybe gently ease her back to her own house.

Following on from my previous post...my son in laws Mum would probably do this, but my daughter wouldn't tolerate it.

My grandmother did this when suddenly widowed at a similar age and ended up staying with us for 11 years. The longer you let it go on, the harder it will be for her to move on.

I think the approaching end of lockdown could provide a good peg to focus discussions on: now that household mixing is allowed and there are groups and activities restarting, she won't be as isolated as she would have been back in January. Maybe suggest she moves home but comes back for a night or two every couple of weeks?

I'm looking at this one from the MiL's perspective, because the idea of ever doing this to my kid horrifies me. Imagine being a burden to someone (no matter how much you 'help' around the house), outstaying your welcome so egregiously that your child's spouse has to ask for help to find tactful ways to ask you to leave.

Intolerable. No one with a modicum of pride in themselves and love for their children could ever contemplate it. OP, YADNBU.

Would you consider looking at buying a two generation property? I know a few people this has worked well for. They are close by and they spend time together but they also have their own space? Perhaps even discussing with her would make her aware that you need your space? Although of course you'd have to be willing to do it if you mention it, in case she says she's keen...

Why are people suggesting that OP sell up to buy a property that they could all live in?

Unless this was something that all parties planned and were enthusiastic about prior to FIL's death, why do it now? All parties have their own homes which presumably they chose and had no reason to move from.

MIL simply has to face up to her solo life. It's not up to OP and her DH to continue to protect her from that for the rest of her life.

YANBU

However....this woman is going to move back into a home she once shared with her beloved husband, it will be incredibly difficult to do this alone after all this time, she will probably regress in her grief.

Maybe you could allow her to gradually move home? As in, a night one week, then 2 nights the next etc.

I understand where you're coming from, but please be patient. You sound so lovely though, so I'm sure you will be

@MarieIVanArkleStinks

I'm looking at this one from the MiL's perspective, because the idea of ever doing this to my kid horrifies me. Imagine being a burden to someone (no matter how much you 'help' around the house), outstaying your welcome so egregiously that your child's spouse has to ask for help to find tactful ways to ask you to leave.

Intolerable. No one with a modicum of pride in themselves and love for their children could ever contemplate it. OP, YADNBU.

This woman just lost her husband and is suffering. This post is extremely harsh and cold.

@saraclara

Why are people suggesting that OP sell up to buy a property that they could all live in?

Unless this was something that all parties planned and were enthusiastic about prior to FIL's death, why do it now? All parties have their own homes which presumably they chose and had no reason to move from.

MIL simply has to face up to her solo life. It's not up to OP and her DH to continue to protect her from that for the rest of her life.

Exactly. It's mad. The poor OP who is probably is only in her 30s is potentially looking at 30+ years living with her MIL.

Most women of MIL's age are still working full time and have busy active lives. She needs to build a new life on her own now, and not retreat into playing granny. It won't do her any favours.

No, just no. She needs to move out. You have the patience of a saint having her there for 5 months. That would be too much, l like my own space

I think I would say MIL, we've been talking, and while we've loved having you here, and appreciate all the things you've done to make our lives easier, we think that you are far too young to be running your life around us, and that it would be better for you to go back home now that you've had some time to get over the shock of losing FIL. Perhaps when you go back, instead of trying to see old friends who are couples, which we know you must find difficult, you could start a new hobby / get a part time job / do some charity work, etc, so as start meeting some new people, and also, to be frank, I must admit that having you here is affecting our sex life.

At 60 she may still have been having an active sex life herself, and would probably be mortified if she thought that her being there had been affecting yours, so maybe it's best to be honest with her, but of course only you and your DH know if she could take this sort of honesty. I'm just offering ideas.

If you would be up for it maybe 3/7 she stays with you - could be a start!

To be honest I'm finding a few of these posts pretty patronising. She's 60. That's nothing. Yes, being widowed is shit. Tell me about it. But we have to put our big girl pants on and deal with it.

To be honest, if people had been pussyfooting around me, considering that I needed to co-house with them for the rest of my life, or only be capable of spending a few days a week in my own house, I'd have been either embarrassed that they thought me so pathetic, or patronised. The love and kindness I had from people was wonderful. But they didn't treat me with kid gloves and I wouldn't have wanted them to.

Yep, MIL might need help seeing her home as a positive place again, but this half and halfing etc just seems over-cautious.

@MullinerSpec

In many asian customs the parents live with the husband and wife as one big family. Maybe consider selling yours and your MIL house pooling the money together and buying a great big house with a granny annex?

For perspective we asked my mother (a joint decision between my wife and I but more my wife!) to move in with us when we bought our house, but she refused saying that she enjoyed her freedom.

I have this with my Dad. It's awful. I hate it more and more each week that passes.

So you husband has lost his father or stepfather? Maybe organize family bereavement counselling as the context in which to talk about MIL going back to her house while considering her own options? If properly supported she may find she wants to move...I've known older friends suddenly move to modest housing but in dream locations once they were alone.

I think you can’t easily address it yourself with her alone - or she might turn it into a side-taking issue using her son/your DH potentially against you

(I am 5 yrs older than your MIL - in a similar situation) 60 is young.

I would say there might be a confidence and habit issue, for MIL, when you are suddenly alone it’s easy to lose confidence in managing on your own.

Can I suggest the online support group for your MIL - called WAY UP, MIL will be able to read and chat to similar people online, with the added benefit of meeting people and forming mutually beneficial friendships in the local area - and improving her social life at the same time?

In your MIL’s situation it is very easy to settle into a comfort zone, and never push yourself beyond and outside of it - so maybe she needs some gentle encouragement to start making her first moves.

As others suggest upthread, a gentle chat to ask how she sees herself, does she want to stay in her original home, or move closer, perhaps build the conversation into everyday talk, so that it is accepted that this is the way forward. Maybe your DH offers to spend the first night at home with her - to reinforce the idea that this is what is actually happening.

Maybe have the initial conversation on neutral territory, when out walking or out for coffee - rather than at home?

Trust me, the only reason you have the energy and actually want to have sex and romantic afternoons in bed with your DH so soon after maternity leave is because your MIL is doing the cooking, cleaning, ironing and early wakings!

Tell her she's welcome to come and live with me!

A conversation needs to be had.

YANBU!

@IAmDaveTheSerialShagger

You sound so utterly ungrateful, wow, you are moaning about not having a night with your husband whilst your mil has lost her husband.

I imagine the pain and grief she is going through is unimaginable to you, she is trying to occupy her time by helping you and you are that cruel you want her to move out?

Shame on you

Oh, shit off. It's been 5 months and she's only 60. The OP will get stuck with living with her for the next 20-30 years if this continues on.

YANBU You have a newborn and a family of your own, she is taking the piss and so is your husband. It's ultimatum time. He needs to be told straight: she goes or you go. Tell him he either tells her or you do, who would he rather upset his mother or you his wife. He needs to know his marriage is at stake here. She needs to go and you need to stand up for yourself and your marriage and your family. You be BU if you don't stop this right now.

Also I wonder if she is being so 'helpful' so you will feel guilty for making her leave? So it's almost like there is a manipulative angle to her doing the cleaning if you see what I mean.

She needs to check the Ts and Cs of her home insurance. It may well be void as the building has been unoccupied overnight for such a long time.

Hi op
Your mum is young yet with a life to live.
She's keeping busy and staying with you to avoid the emptiness staring her in the face.
Sit down,the three of you and ask her if she feels she can see herself living in her home without her dh or would she like to move?you could help her find a new home,that might trigger some enthusiasm for a new beginning.or to look at hobbies/volunteer work and take steps to get things moving before she goes home,or help redecorate some rooms?
Has she grieved properly do you think or is she bottling it up?
She does know you want your home back,she's scared of what to do with her life when she's not 'needed'.
Some gentle,open conversation with lots of forward planning will help her take the first steps in her new life and for you to get your home back.🌈

To be honest she has not really faced her grief and she needs to. My brother lost his wife very very young, they had a 16 month DC. It was awful (and very sudden).

He "bolted" to our sister in NZ.

Was staying there a year and recovering, nothing wrong with that.

However, after six months he realised he was not facing his grief and instead was hiding from it, he had to come home and live in the house they owned together and come to terms with the grief.

I think MIL is doing the same, it is tough, but she's still hiding from the reality and needs to really face the inevitable.

My DB did recover slowly, its many years ago now and life has changed for him.

Your MIL is young and she needs to build another life.

You need to have the conversation about how she needs to build a different life now.

Good luck.

This woman just lost her husband and is suffering. This post is extremely harsh and cold.

I reject this entirely. Mine is the compassionate response.

I've been in the position of grieving. My dearest friend just lost her mother and she and her father are suffering, but he's brushed off any suggestion that he move near to her home (5 hours away) as he doesn't want her to constantly be checking on him and nipping over to cook for him when she has her own life. That's what a good parent looks like.

I didn't have children for them to 'look after' me. They didn't ask to be born and are not responsible for me: the parent owes the child, not the other way round. It's possible to meet with, talk to, spend time with and support a grieving parent - as any loving child would want to do - without their living with you lock, stock and barrel for months on end. I would not feel very good if I did this to my child and it cost them their relationship. What kind of a mother would this make me?

Life goes on. It's brutal, it's harsh, and it's reality. Encouraging a co-dependency on her child's life rather than working on rebuilding her own, is what I find 'harsh and cold'.

Send her to live at mine!

I'm so knackered from working, mothering and housework that I don't have sex anyway.

But seriously, maybe book a hotel now and then for sex, the rest of your set up sounds pretty good to me, but then I'm just jealous and my MIL was never interested in helping us.