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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want any grandchildren?

307 replies

Manzanilla55 · 10/06/2021 15:08

Just that really. I had ds my only child at age 41 and am now 57. By the time he moves out I imagine I will be 62. I just want peace and quiet after that. He doesn't want children either as he has plenty of family on his dad's side in London. Of all ages. I happened to mention in passing I did not want any to a couple of people and boy were they shocked. There are plenty of things to enjoy in life without grandchildren. Am I really unusual and am I missing something here? I just prefer a nice simple life hobbies interests plenty of me time and a modest social life. I don't even crave a bloke. Am I really strange as I just don't feel that I am.

OP posts:
Original poster
Manzanilla55 · 10/06/2021 16:34

Captain it is up to ds how he lives as I do not impose any preferences of mine. As long as ds is happy and healthy that is the main thing. I however can easily envisage a life of no grandchildren for me.

OP posts:
Blondeshavemorefun · 10/06/2021 16:34

Ah right, you mum has died. I’m sorry. 💐Mine too

I wish more then anything she was alive and had met my dd now 4

PuzzledObserver · 10/06/2021 16:34

@Manzanilla55

Does anybody else feel the same?
It's not quite the same, because I didn't have any children - and at 57, that ship has well and truly sailed. It was mostly circumstances, with a certain amount of choice in that when there was a window of opportunity, I didn't take it.

I understand looking forward to a retirement of hobbies and me time. That's what I'm doing too. Now and then I feel a slight tinge of mild regret, but it's not something I dwell on - too busy planning my busy and active retirement!

However, as I get older I realise the absence of DC means there will be no 'automatic' person to help me if I become frail and DH has gone first. That is not to say anyone should have DC to look after them in their old age. But we can't avoid the fact that it is mainly DC who do sort out care needs in later life, even if they don't directly provide it.

Inastatus · 10/06/2021 16:36

I think it is a bit sad to be honest. You don’t want your DS to have the joy of being a parent. Didn’t you enjoy becoming a mum?

Anyway, as others have said, it’s not your decision and your DS is far too young to rule out kids when in all likelihood he hasn’t even had a proper serious relationship yet

Halo1234 · 10/06/2021 16:37

Its not about you though. Its a bit I want i don't want. Its his choice. Not something you are entitled to a strong opinion on and not something you should be overly for or against in front of him. Ultimately we all want our children to be happy and where they want to be. I dont understand why u think grandchildren mean u can't have a quiet life or enjoy hobbies.

paralysedbyinertia · 10/06/2021 16:37

I can't relate, because I love being a mum and would want dd to have that experience if she chooses it. I have also seen how much joy, pleasure and purpose my parents derive from their grandchildren, and I'd like to have that when I'm older, although it will obviously be a decision for dd rather than for me. However, you are not at all unreasonable for feeling whatever you feel. We are all different!

Original poster
Manzanilla55 · 10/06/2021 16:39

Yes Blonde my mum died when I was pregnant. My son never met his grandma. I have never had anybody encourage me as have had no help. That said I still dont want a madhouse riddled with grandkids!

OP posts:
Meruem · 10/06/2021 16:39

I don’t actively want grandchildren. If they came along I would be hands on and would love them dearly, but I don’t “need” them. Some women are heartbroken if they don’t get GC. I’d be fine with it. I did absolutely want my own DC and would have been devastated if I hadn’t had any.

My DC are both early 30s. Neither of them is particularly fussed. Neither of them wants a “baby”. DD said she may consider adopting an older child in years to come if the circumstances are right but she isn’t fussed about giving birth to a child. DS couldn’t be less interested. He’s not even sure he wants a relationship/marriage, let alone DC! So it’s probably just as well I’m ok with it!

I don’t think it’s a particularly nice world to bring them into. My DC have that concern too. There’s also a lot of ASD and MH issues in various family members (me included!) and I think that weighs on their minds too in terms of having biological children.

Original poster
Manzanilla55 · 10/06/2021 16:40

I bet karma will give me four now lol.

OP posts:
EL8888 · 10/06/2021 16:41

It’s not your choice. So it’s a bit tough really

speakout · 10/06/2021 16:44

I bet karma will give me four now lol.

The children wont be "given" to you.
They will be "given" to their parents.

Benjispruce3 · 10/06/2021 16:45

Yanbu but obviously it’s his choice not yours. I have no opinion on grandchildren. If my DDs have them, fine , if not, that’s fine too.

hiredandsqueak · 10/06/2021 16:47

Well I wasn't too bothered about having grandchildren either. I now have two which surprised me. They are lovely, had I not had any I don't think I would have felt that I had missed out though.
I would have liked to have been the sort of grandparent my father was so visit every six weeks with generous presents and ask about the gc on his regular phone calls to me.
Instead I provide childcare for one and have weekly visits with the other when the joys of small children and babies (even my own grandchildren) have long passed me by

Octopus37 · 10/06/2021 16:49

TBH at the moment I can relate to what you are saying OP, but my boys are 11 and 14. So as not to dripfeed, my Mum died before I had kids, my Dad hasn't been very hands on (not great history, my MIL who was a lovely Grandma to my two boys died when they were 7 and 5 and my DH's Dad died before the kids were born as well. Therefore, we haven't had much help. Before I get flamed, I want to stress that I know the kids are our responsibility and Grandparents dont have to help and that any help offered should be absolutely not taken for granted. But in all honesty, without a lot of support, I think that we've got burn out and possibly not enjoyed being parents as much as we could have done. Again must say that our DS's were very much wanted and are very much loved. At the moment, the idea of Grandchildren doesn't fill me with joy. But, I am 46, have started my menopause and I am really enjoying having a bit more time and retraining for a new career. At the moment I find young kids irritating and demanding and I hate months. But (hopefully) if my boys do decide to have kids with anyone, I hope to feel differently and to have got some patience back. I also know I will try and be hands on cause of what I missed out on myself, I just hope I can do it with a good heart. Hope that makes sense.

delicatepetal · 10/06/2021 16:49

It's up to you. I have a MIL who has zero interest in our dd. We both find it such a shame but it's totally your choice to actively participate in the more usual gp activities or not.

2021whatsinstore · 10/06/2021 16:49

I look forward to this! Little people are amazing! My parents love their grandchildren, perhaps if it were to happen you'd feel differently! You can hand them back you see at the end of a day out and get your peace and quiet.

Doris86 · 10/06/2021 16:51

You don’t want grand children? What a bizarre thing to say. It’s your son’s choice, and surely you want him to do whatever makes him happy, whether that means children or not.

My Mum has a friend whose two sons have stated they will never have children. She feels there is something missing from her life, and is jealous of my Mum and her 8 grand children.

Octopus37 · 10/06/2021 16:52

Sorry meant to say I hate mess, not months

NautaOcts · 10/06/2021 16:54

I think it’s a weird thing to say and if someone said it to be I’d be a bit Hmm

It’s not like being a parent is it, you could choose to be as hands on or hands off as you wanted as a grandparent, and obviously you’ll just have to see what happens.

SleepingStandingUp · 10/06/2021 16:56

Tbh I'd assume if someone said they didn't want grandkids then either parenthood was so hard / disappointing for them that they wouldn't want it inflicted on their own kids, or they disliked their kids and didn't want replicates

Houseofvelour · 10/06/2021 16:56

It's up to you whether or not to take on an active role in GC's lives if they come along but just thought I'd share our story.
My FIL is not a child person and wasn't even very involved in the rearing of his own dc and left it all to MIL.
He wasn't happy when we announced DD1 but now he is such a doting grandparent and adores our DDs so much.
If they do eventually come along, you may be surprised by how much you love being a grandparent. Or not 😂

Whyhello · 10/06/2021 16:59

He’s very young so could change his mind but if he changes his mind in his 30s or 40s you will be elderly by the time you become a Grandma. There’s never an obligation to be around as a Grandparent often, you can still live your own life.

ElephantOfRisk · 10/06/2021 17:00

So if your son does decide to or accidentally has children, all these people you've told know that you don't want them - that's a bit horrid really. Nothing wrong with having your view at all, but maybe not tell people?

I do imagine grandchildren in the future but that's not up to me. Don't you have any desire to see what your child's children might be like?

CaptainMyCaptain · 10/06/2021 17:05

It isn't up to you.

Original poster
Manzanilla55 · 10/06/2021 17:05

Being a parent hasn't been disappointing of course not but definitely hard. As I have only ever had moral support from one aunt but no help as such. She is also now deceased. Except ds's dad who has always helped. I too have had years of perimenopause then menopause not until the age of 56! Those blessed with supportive relatives are very fortunate.

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