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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want any grandchildren?

307 replies

Manzanilla55 · 10/06/2021 15:08

Just that really. I had ds my only child at age 41 and am now 57. By the time he moves out I imagine I will be 62. I just want peace and quiet after that. He doesn't want children either as he has plenty of family on his dad's side in London. Of all ages. I happened to mention in passing I did not want any to a couple of people and boy were they shocked. There are plenty of things to enjoy in life without grandchildren. Am I really unusual and am I missing something here? I just prefer a nice simple life hobbies interests plenty of me time and a modest social life. I don't even crave a bloke. Am I really strange as I just don't feel that I am.

OP posts:
Harmonypuss · 11/06/2021 21:39

I'm 53, have a son of 32 who isn't interested in having a relationship with anyone at all and has already told me that "I'm never having kids, purely because of my genetics, any of my kids would be the spawn of Satan". I also have a25 year old son who is Gary and has said that "with the state of the world as it is, I have absolutely no intention of being responsible for bringing a child into the world".
HURRAYYYY!!!
I've heard so many people (mainly women) saying that they can't wait to get grandchildren and have even pushed their kids to provide them and I've always said that I'm the total opposite in that I would be perfectly happy to not have any grandchildren, you should see some of the looks I've been on the receiving end of!
I've seen how my own mother has treated my boys (each very differently - loves my eldest, indifferent to the younger even though he's always been the better behaved) as well as the way she treated my sister and I (again, individually extremely differently - hates me, adores my sister). I always vowed that if bring my kids up different to how we were brought up, which I have but seeing her do the same with my children, I wish I'd written her out of our lives before the boys were born.
I'm not scared that I could behave the way she does but totally agree with my younger son, this world really is no place to be bringing children into.
If my son's do change their minds at some point, I know I would love their children but with my disabilities I would find it very difficult to be an active part of their lives, which i know my boys would find difficult, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed that they stick to their guns on their ideas regarding having their own kids.🤞

Harmonypuss · 11/06/2021 21:40

My son isn't 'Gary's, he's gay. Flipping predictive text 😡

LaraLondon1 · 11/06/2021 21:45

Not your call / decision/ opinion about your child having kids . Personally I think you sound so selfish .

phoenixrosehere · 11/06/2021 21:55

Not your call / decision/ opinion about your child having kids . Personally I think you sound so selfish .

Personally, I think you need to READ all of OP’s posts. She has said she knows this as well as that she has not disclosed her views to her son or will do so.

I swear what is the point of finally having the option to read all of the OP’s posts if people can’t be bothered to read them before commenting especially if they’re going to call people selfish and what not.

LaraLondon1 · 11/06/2021 22:03

phoenixrosehere
I have read the OP comments ,, my thoughts are still the same !

Barmychick · 11/06/2021 22:07

it will be what it will be

FlyNow · 11/06/2021 22:10

I don't think it's that unusual of a view, or difficult to understand.

I wouldn't worry though, most men don't want to have kids until their late 30s or 40s, so you'd be mid 80s if you are still alive. In fact by that time society may have collapsed because of climate change so none of us may alive.

phoenixrosehere · 11/06/2021 22:15

@LaraLondon1

Then why is OP selfish? She hasn’t told her son her views or intends to. She knows and agrees it is entirely up to him. She may not even be alive by time he has children, so what is the issue?

Harmonypuss · 11/06/2021 22:16

@LaraLondon1

^Not your call / decision/ opinion about your child having kids . Personally I think you sound so selfish.

Personally, I think you need to READ all of OP’s posts. She has said she knows this as well as that she has not disclosed her views to her son or will do so.

I swear what is the point of finally having the option to read all of the OP’s posts if people can’t be bothered to read them before commenting especially if they’re going to call people selfish and what not.

I have read the OP comments ,, my thoughts are still the same !^

Personally, I believe parents who "expect" their adult children to "provide" grandchildren for them, are the ones who are being selfish/ unreasonable!

Doris86 · 11/06/2021 22:38

[quote Harmonypuss]@LaraLondon1

^Not your call / decision/ opinion about your child having kids . Personally I think you sound so selfish.

Personally, I think you need to READ all of OP’s posts. She has said she knows this as well as that she has not disclosed her views to her son or will do so.

I swear what is the point of finally having the option to read all of the OP’s posts if people can’t be bothered to read them before commenting especially if they’re going to call people selfish and what not.

I have read the OP comments ,, my thoughts are still the same !^

Personally, I believe parents who "expect" their adult children to "provide" grandchildren for them, are the ones who are being selfish/ unreasonable![/quote]
Parents who have an expectation either way, for their children to provide or not provide grand children, are unreasonable. The ones who let their children make their own choices are the reasonable ones.

Yourcatisnotsorry · 11/06/2021 22:41

I think it’s a bit weird to want a child/children but not a grandchild. Grandchildren are the best bits about having kids without the drudge! You can get all the cuddles, funny antics, all their joy and excitement, teaching them about things you love, cute performances and pony rides and none of the hard work. Just visit for the fun then hand them back 🤣 but fair enough for being honest.

saraclara · 11/06/2021 22:43

The ones who let their children make their own choices are the reasonable ones.

Yes. OP is entirely reasonable then. Because she has no intention of even letting her son know how she feels, never mind making choices for him.

Latkes · 11/06/2021 23:56

Since my daughter got married several people have said to me that they bet I can’t wait to have grandchildren.
And I’ve thought no, not really.
Of course I’m sure I’d love them to bits if they arrive but I started to feel like there must be something wrong with me not to be mega broody to be a Nan but I’m not at all at the moment tbh. Our youngest hasn’t left home yet. Maybe it will be different then.

PyongyangKipperbang · 12/06/2021 01:19

I have adult children and although I know that them having kids is entirely their choice, I wouldnt be heartbroken if they didnt!

I dont have an overwhelming urge to be a grandmother. My own mother didnt either, she absolutely adores them and sees them often but she puts her life and retirement first, and I dont blame her. She will help out with childcare in an emergency and the odd hour here or there for appointments but I have never asked her to do regular care because I know she would say no, as would I if one of my kids asked me!

I personally dont think that YABU but YWBU to voice this to your son, he will very likely change his mind!

Cotonsugar · 12/06/2021 08:01

I’m the same age as you, I have three children, the youngest being 18. I’m also not so keen on having grandchildren as I feel bringing up my own was hard work and I now also want some peace and quiet and time for myself. I want to rediscover who I am now. My eldest daughter is planning to have a baby soon but I don’t live near her so I can’t be “hands on” anyway. I shall see how the future plays out without thinking about it too much. I don’t think you can plan on how you are going to feel if and when grandchildren come along, but as someone else has said, you can choose how much you want to be involved or not. It’s your life and not for anyone else to judge at the end of the day😊

Cotonsugar · 12/06/2021 08:06

Judgemental 🤨

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 12/06/2021 08:14

Not really your choice. If you never wanted grandchildren then you shouldn’t have had children.

whattodo2019 · 12/06/2021 08:28

it has absolutely nothing to do with you!!

phoenixrosehere · 12/06/2021 08:32

@whattodo2019

SHE KNOWS!!!

OP’s earlier post in this thread:

I don't tell ds not to have any children. I doubt at this age he would listen to me and it isn't my place to impose my views.

Snowdrop30 · 12/06/2021 08:42

It's not your call really, is it? You can decide that you don't want to ever babysit or be involved in the lives of any grandkids beyond birthday cards/presents. My DP have taken that decision on the grounds that they are 'done caring'. I do get it, as my DM cared for elderly parents as well as kids. But think it's a little sad. I had no help or support in the early days (which were hell), beyond weekly phone calls. Just someone to hold the baby for an hour while I ate, had a bath would have been magic. And our DS would have loved a closer relationship with his GP. But, you know, that's a decision you could take - it would be valid.

omgthepain · 12/06/2021 08:48

Surely this is your son's decision whether he has a family not yours?

saraclara · 12/06/2021 08:54

@omgthepain

Surely this is your son's decision whether he has a family not yours?
hits head on desk

FFS all the people saying it's not her choice decision/call, read the OP's posts, because you're making yourselves look like morons.

ilikemethewayiam · 12/06/2021 10:05

I’ve always told myself I don’t want grandchildren because I love my freedom but as I’ve got into my 60’s I do sometimes crave holding a grandchild of my own. I guess that’s the beauty of grandchildren. You get to spoil and enjoy them without the full responsibility! I think it’s the love you will inevitably feel for them that will bind you to them.

phoenixrosehere · 12/06/2021 10:08

FFS all the people saying it's not her choice decision/call, read the OP's posts, because you're making yourselves look like morons.

More like lazy. People moaned about not wanting to have to scroll through threads to read all of an OP’s post. MN listened eventually and gave a “see all” link so we didn’t have to and some people can’t even do that.

esterwin · 12/06/2021 11:05

@Tomorrowillbeachicken

Not really your choice. If you never wanted grandchildren then you shouldn’t have had children.
The idea of the role of a grandmother has changed dramatically since I gave birth.
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