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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want any grandchildren?

307 replies

Manzanilla55 · 10/06/2021 15:08

Just that really. I had ds my only child at age 41 and am now 57. By the time he moves out I imagine I will be 62. I just want peace and quiet after that. He doesn't want children either as he has plenty of family on his dad's side in London. Of all ages. I happened to mention in passing I did not want any to a couple of people and boy were they shocked. There are plenty of things to enjoy in life without grandchildren. Am I really unusual and am I missing something here? I just prefer a nice simple life hobbies interests plenty of me time and a modest social life. I don't even crave a bloke. Am I really strange as I just don't feel that I am.

OP posts:
Branleuse · 10/06/2021 17:06

@Manzanilla55

Does anybody else feel the same?
It wouldnt bother me if I didnt have any grandchildren
Abracadabra12345 · 10/06/2021 17:07

To answer your question OP - yes I do feel the same. I’d never admit it to anyone of course especially my adult DC who so far give no indication of ever wanting or having kids. If any gc came along I’m sure I’d be a besotted gm, though I also hope I’d not be talking about them all the time as many do. How dull.

I have a perfect work-life balance and enjoy time for activities and hobbies and trips. My third is an AC with ASD so I do look forward to a child free retirement. My close friends are very hands on gms who provide childcare and it all looks and sounds exhausting. One even said she hoped I’d have gc of my own one day. I didn’t say “I’m fine as I am thanks” but I thought it!

I guess I am put off by the expectations of gp as childcare and it would seem selfish and churlish to say no. Little people are exhausting. I know - I work with them! Only part time but that’s enough, I love them but they’re draining.

So yes, I do feel the same as the OP even if it’s an unpopular view, and we do know it’s not a decision for us to make! That’s not the point, if you read the opening post.

Bluntness100 · 10/06/2021 17:10

Very odd thread, you can interact with grandkids as little or as much as you wish, sitting thinking you don’t want your child to have children because in some way it might inconvenience you is very odd indeed.

Rebelwithverysharpclaws · 10/06/2021 17:15

I don't really want grandchildren. My DC is 29 now and does not want children. I had my DC at 38 and at 67 now am happy to just enjoy life.
I loved being a mother, I just don't fancy doing a lot of childcare again.

5zeds · 10/06/2021 17:15

I think it’s a bit like saying you hope Ds won’t have a partner, or doesn’t work overseas. I mean obviously you can prefer one outcome but it’s not really in your control and definitely unusual to voice your preferred outcomes for someone else’s life.

saraclara · 10/06/2021 17:17

@Bluntness100

Very odd thread, you can interact with grandkids as little or as much as you wish, sitting thinking you don’t want your child to have children because in some way it might inconvenience you is very odd indeed.
Except you can't really interact as much or as little as you like. Hence the posts on MN about disinterested GPs, how upsetting it is for the GCs, and how the GPS aren't doing their bit in the babysitting/child care stakes.

There are real expectations of grandparents and there's no getting away from that.

MagicSummer · 10/06/2021 17:17

I can quite understand your point of view. I never wanted or had children so naturally, no grandchildren! However, my husband has children and they have produced and carry on producing. I don't like them and have no wish whatsoever to spend any time with them.

Frogcorset · 10/06/2021 17:18

@Abracadabra12345

To answer your question OP - yes I do feel the same. I’d never admit it to anyone of course especially my adult DC who so far give no indication of ever wanting or having kids. If any gc came along I’m sure I’d be a besotted gm, though I also hope I’d not be talking about them all the time as many do. How dull.

I have a perfect work-life balance and enjoy time for activities and hobbies and trips. My third is an AC with ASD so I do look forward to a child free retirement. My close friends are very hands on gms who provide childcare and it all looks and sounds exhausting. One even said she hoped I’d have gc of my own one day. I didn’t say “I’m fine as I am thanks” but I thought it!

I guess I am put off by the expectations of gp as childcare and it would seem selfish and churlish to say no. Little people are exhausting. I know - I work with them! Only part time but that’s enough, I love them but they’re draining.

So yes, I do feel the same as the OP even if it’s an unpopular view, and we do know it’s not a decision for us to make! That’s not the point, if you read the opening post.

But I find the assumptions about grandparents doing regular childcare for their grandchildren completely alien -- I don't know anyone who does that. I wouldn't at all blame anyone for not being enthusiastic about becoming a grandparent if essentially taking on a FT childminding job and/or giving up your retirement was some kind of unalterable part of it, but that is entirely at the individual's discretion.

We lived in another country to our parents until DS was 8, but even now that we're living within a couple of miles of both sets, it has never occurred to us to do anything than continue to pay for childcare. Our parents have more than paid their dues in terms of childrearing.

fashionablefennel · 10/06/2021 17:18

Those blessed with supportive relatives are very fortunate.

quite.

Wishing that you are not burdened by grand-children doesn't make you a supportive relative, that's the sad thing.

Enough4me · 10/06/2021 17:18

I just hope my DC are healthy and happy. I don't think beyond that as who knows what life will throw up.

fashionablefennel · 10/06/2021 17:19

But I find the assumptions about grandparents doing regular childcare for their grandchildren completely alien

what I find alien is grandparents not WANTING to do regular childcare!
It's sad - and very different from not being able to, for whatever reason.

Having parents who don't want to see your children.. that must hurt.

IMNOTSHOUTING · 10/06/2021 17:22

I think it's very strange to not want grandchildren. It's not like they'd be living with you or your responsibility.

ViciousJackdaw · 10/06/2021 17:26

@fashionablefennel

But I find the assumptions about grandparents doing regular childcare for their grandchildren completely alien

what I find alien is grandparents not WANTING to do regular childcare!
It's sad - and very different from not being able to, for whatever reason.

Having parents who don't want to see your children.. that must hurt.

Why should they be expected to? They have served their sentence and should not be guilt tripped into giving up X amount of time per week. Also, there's a big difference between not wanting to be an unpaid childminder and not wanting to see the DC at all.
SleepingStandingUp · 10/06/2021 17:27

what I find alien is grandparents not WANTING to do regular childcare!
Having parents who don't want to see your children.. that must hurt
The two things aren't the same though. DMil used to have DS for short periods but I now have 18 month old twins too. She's late 60s and adoring them, enjoying spending time with them and looking after them alone are v different things

FuckyouCovid21 · 10/06/2021 17:32

I hear you, but then I don't have children so absolutely no chance of becoming a grandparent Grin

fashionablefennel · 10/06/2021 17:34

ViciousJackdaw

but that's the point, if they are "guilt tripped" into helping out, they don't actually want to. It's weird.

If you consider that having your children was "a sentence", you prove my point, it's sad.

wildeverose · 10/06/2021 17:34

He's 16 - wouldn't get too excited he doesn't want kids just yet 😂

VexedofVirginiaWater · 10/06/2021 17:38

@Manzanilla55

Does anybody else feel the same?
Haven't RTFT but thought I'd respond to this first. I am 66 and both my sons are in their 30s. They have had relationships but are not in any now. I have always been ambivalent about grandchildren - not really bothered about having any. One son has always steadfastly declared he didn't want children. The other hasn't ruled it out but doesn't seem too keen - and in any case it's academic unless he finds a partner. I think he is nervous of babies but likes older children - alas, it doesn't work like that! Grin

I told my sons I wasn't bothered about gc because other family members (now nc with us) were giving them a hard time at social occasions where I wasn't present by telling them they should get married and have kids and that it was what I would want. (Maybe they thought they were mind readers as we never discussed it). I couldn't think of anything worse than feeling you had to procreate to please your parents so I told them I didn't care either way.

Now I feel that if they ever do have any, I will be too old to be useful to them with childcare etc but I would want to be involved.

godmum56 · 10/06/2021 17:42

yanbu, but it won't be your choice

Frogcorset · 10/06/2021 17:45

@fashionablefennel

But I find the assumptions about grandparents doing regular childcare for their grandchildren completely alien

what I find alien is grandparents not WANTING to do regular childcare!
It's sad - and very different from not being able to, for whatever reason.

Having parents who don't want to see your children.. that must hurt.

But you're confusing 'wanting to see their grandchildren' with 'essentially providing a service which curtails their own life for them -- not the same thing at all.
FreekStar · 10/06/2021 17:46

What stupid OP! The boy is 16 which means he's got at least 30 years before deciding he's not having children, by which time you will 87 and probably incapable of looking after them anyway! You might be dead by then.

LuluJakey1 · 10/06/2021 17:47

I don't think I could the grandparent my PIL are.DH could and no doubt will but I value time to myself. My PIL would do more than we let them and they are wonderful with our 3 DC. I could be a once a week Granny.

JamieLeeBee · 10/06/2021 17:47

I remember my mum saying for years she didn't want any grandchildren. Soon changed her tune when my daughter was born, did make me feel rubbish though when the time came to tell her I was pregnant. It's not a nice feeling when your mum hints at you not having kids for her benefit

SimonJT · 10/06/2021 17:50

I really hope I get to be a Grandad and see my son become a Dad, obviously I wouldn’t express that as it could lead to pressure/fear of disappointment.

Midge75 · 10/06/2021 17:51

Having grandchildren doesn't have to mean you have a madhouse full of kids and none of your own hobbies. Your son could end up living anywhere. We live 150 miles from both sets of parents. Both sets absolutely adore their grandchildren, but they see them for relatively short periods at a time , and always well spaced out - their house may be a madhouse for a weekend, but then they have their space back. My mum is incredibly active, despite being 77 and having two replacement hips. She walks miles every day, swims a lot, is part of two choirs, church, a gardening group looking after the local parks, tons of friends, and before covid was travelling quite a bit too.

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