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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want any grandchildren?

307 replies

Manzanilla55 · 10/06/2021 15:08

Just that really. I had ds my only child at age 41 and am now 57. By the time he moves out I imagine I will be 62. I just want peace and quiet after that. He doesn't want children either as he has plenty of family on his dad's side in London. Of all ages. I happened to mention in passing I did not want any to a couple of people and boy were they shocked. There are plenty of things to enjoy in life without grandchildren. Am I really unusual and am I missing something here? I just prefer a nice simple life hobbies interests plenty of me time and a modest social life. I don't even crave a bloke. Am I really strange as I just don't feel that I am.

OP posts:
CaptainBarbossa · 10/06/2021 15:59

I want my kids to have a full and happy life, whether that means grandkids or not. I wouldn't want to limit them

OhGiveUp · 10/06/2021 16:00

I didn't want grandkids, I wasn't old enough. I mean, grandma's are all grey haired old ladies knitting away their time in rocking chairs.
Then the grandkids came along and I was like someone had given me the moon on a stick.
Downside is of course having to sleep with a grandfather, but hey ho 🤷🙂

supersonicsue · 10/06/2021 16:01

Has any 16 year old boy EVER said they wanted children? It seems to me a bit strange that you are assuming his thoughts and wishes now as a 16 year child are going to remain the same as when he is a 20, 30 or 40 year old man with a partner.

Like many others my grandchildren are the loves of my lives, and have bought me more joy and happiness, fun and laughter, than I could ever have imagined. But the decision to have them were my children's, not mine. The decision to be a part of their life every day by providing childcare is mine, just as the other grandparents chose not to provide childcare but spend happy days out together every few weeks.

MiniTheMinx · 10/06/2021 16:02

I like kids, I have 2, and I work with kids, but i feel the same way. I'm 48 and I'm counting down the days until freedom day. My two DS have said they don't want children or to get married. I have a niggling feeling the youngest will change his mind. I doubt I shall want to replace full time parenting, and working with children for a retirement caring for.....children. And yet if i end up with GC I will love them and probably want to spend time with them. So, on balance I think you can't possibly know in advance, don't miss them if you don't have them, and if you do have them you wouldn't want to be without them.

SleepingStandingUp · 10/06/2021 16:02

I think the main thing is to not keep telling him and him feeling under pressure to agree. He's 16. He might not feel it'll happen because he's gay. He might not want them but might once he meets a woman. He might never want them. He might foster 30 kids over his lifetime. But that should be his choice.
You can choose to have nothing to do with them as you please

MeadowHay · 10/06/2021 16:03

I don't think YABU for not being particularly fussed on the idea but I don't think having grandchildren should be something people particularly want or particularly don't want anyway as it's got nothing to do with them whether it happens or not. My DM adores my DC and is excited for the one on the way but equally I know she wouldn't have been bothered if none of us had kids either. Which is the way it should be imo, it's not something you have a say in after all!

MadeOfStarStuff · 10/06/2021 16:03

YANBU but it’s not your decision to make, all you can do is make it clear you wont be providing childcare if grandchildren do appear.

randomlyLostInWales · 10/06/2021 16:04

MIL was horrified and said so when I was pg - she was too young to be a GM - DH was 30 and we'd been together and married for years. Then was very vocal on us not having more Hmm.

I don't think it ended up being what she expected at all - she never babysits or had anything to do with childcare - we found enough activies she and they enjoyed so I think she had the fun with them. She says she loves being a GM - she really hadn't enjoyed motherhood and DH GP weren't very interested in DH which probably influenced her.

I wonder if people think it odd - not because you're not keen but more talking about having a view on your children choosing to reproduce is a bit odd.

Plus the sterotype of all women liking children is out there and having one you're probably assumed to fit this caterogry Hmm- though this is odd as from what I've observed many people in 50s with teens or just about to leave/left adult children seem to be anti young kids until their own DGC come along - it's not universal but we've noticed it amoung our own family and friends. Though I also know many DGP who have little to nothing to do with all or some of their GC as well.

speakout · 10/06/2021 16:04

Not sure why you are even giving this headspace OP.

I have young aduly children, no signs of them reproducing anytime soon, but whether or not they will have children of their own never enters my mind.
Their life, their choice.
I have no yearning to be a grandparent, but if they came along I have no doubt I would love them and be involved.
If it doesn't happen that's fine too.

fashionablefennel · 10/06/2021 16:05

You can choose to have nothing to do with them as you please

can you? I think the day you decide to have a child, you decide that you will be around for them, even when they are grown adults.

If you don't want to be involved and are not happy to help, why having kids in the first place?

jellybaby10 · 10/06/2021 16:05

Not really your decision to make is it?

Maskedrevenger · 10/06/2021 16:05

I definitely didn’t want my son to tell me at 16 that his girlfriend was pregnant. But he did and now I’m a very involved grandma, no regular child care though as I work full-time. Sometimes the role of grandparent is thrust upon you, for what it’s worth I love it.

TwoLeftElbows · 10/06/2021 16:07

It's not like you'd have to live with them, and it's not your choice, so it seems a strange thing to care so much about. And who knows how they'll feel in a few years' time? 23 year old me had no clue how I'd feel about babies as I turned 30.

RaskolnikovsGarret · 10/06/2021 16:07

Dds are 18 and 20 and I’m 49 and I’m not interested at all. DD2 will probably have some if she can as she loves children, and I will help where I can but I’m not ‘broody’ for them. Wasn’t for my own either although ofc I love them now they’re here.

3peassuit · 10/06/2021 16:09

Each to their own. I get immeasurable joy from having my granddaughter in my life.

Laiste · 10/06/2021 16:12

He doesn't want children either as he has plenty of family on his dad's side in London.

Ay? HmmGrin People don't usually base their choice of weather to have kids on how many people there were in the family tree when they were 16 ...

He's very young. I didn't want kids at 16, but i had 4.

I think you need to mentally prepare, rather than convince yourself he wont.

You don't have to be very involved if you don't want to be though.

trappedsincesundaymorn · 10/06/2021 16:15

My DD told me a while back that she had absolutely no intention of having children. I can't say I was disappointed or sad about that if I'm honest. I've never felt the urge to be a grandparent. It's ok not to want them, just don't make the choice for your DC. IYSWIM

shinynewapple21 · 10/06/2021 16:18

I can understand you may be feeling that you would like a time of peace and quiet if you are an 'older' mum to a teenager . But assuming he has moved out and living with his partner by the time he may have children , there is no need that they would dramatically affect your life if you don't want this .

AudacityBaby · 10/06/2021 16:19

YANBU to not want grandkids. My mum told me she didn't want grandkids, over and over again. It was really hard to hear (you just think, why, was I that bad?), but it was harder to know when it turned out I couldn't have them.

Also, lol, very few 16 year olds want children. I wouldn't take that as a serious indication of his future intentions.

dementedma · 10/06/2021 16:26

Actually, I agree with you! My dcs range from 30 to 19 and I'm delighted not to be a granny/ grandma/nanny or any other such label.
Didnt enjoy the baby days with my own so no interest in it with anyone else's. I'm mid fifties and am happy to be done with child raising. Some friends my age have grandchildren now and are unable to converse about anything apart from how wonderful their grandchildren are. Its very dull.

PollyPicket · 10/06/2021 16:27

My dad used to invite me round to stay at his place [he lived 100 miles away] with the caveat, 'no kids.' I never saw my dad again.
I thought it was beyond rude that he would insult my children and expect me to accept it.

CaptainMerica · 10/06/2021 16:28

Are you saying that you want your son to stay childfree - that you think that would be the thing that makes him happiest?

Or is it only your own wishes that you are considering?

RosesAndHellebores · 10/06/2021 16:31

It isn't my choice, as it isn't yours.
My dc are a little older at 26 and 23. I think they will both want children. Indeed I think DH and I would like grandchildren.
However, I suspect we will be mid 60s or closer to 70 before they arrive and I certainly don't want to be responsible for anything other than emergency childcare or the occasional babysit. That will be far more than our parents afforded us.
Perfectly happy to see them regularly but won't be offering weekend overnight visits sans parents or any form of organised, regular childcare.

itsamegladon · 10/06/2021 16:31

It's not up to you!

Blondeshavemorefun · 10/06/2021 16:32

Does your mum play a role in your life and sons if alive

Are you worried you will be unpaid childcare and no time in your life to call own

Obv a 16yr boy won’t want kids

I hope he does have them if he wants when older

You don’t have to be active in their life and say no to seeing and looking after them

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