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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want any grandchildren?

307 replies

Manzanilla55 · 10/06/2021 15:08

Just that really. I had ds my only child at age 41 and am now 57. By the time he moves out I imagine I will be 62. I just want peace and quiet after that. He doesn't want children either as he has plenty of family on his dad's side in London. Of all ages. I happened to mention in passing I did not want any to a couple of people and boy were they shocked. There are plenty of things to enjoy in life without grandchildren. Am I really unusual and am I missing something here? I just prefer a nice simple life hobbies interests plenty of me time and a modest social life. I don't even crave a bloke. Am I really strange as I just don't feel that I am.

OP posts:
MaBroon21 · 10/06/2021 15:25

I’m not sure what to make of you not wanting grandchildren as it’s nothing to do with you whether your son becomes a parent or not. Perhaps you could just be a grandparent in name only instead and not have much, if anything, to do with any grandchild that comes along.

That said I’m in my early 60’s and I have 8 grandchildren that are a huge part of my week. However, I also have a life that involves as much activity or peace and quiet as I want and right now peace and quiet is last on my list of priorities - I’ll have enough of it when I’m dead.

Justcallmebebes · 10/06/2021 15:26

My daughter got pregnant quite young (in my view anyway) and I was extremely unhappy about it and certainly didn't feel ready to be a grandmother.

6 years and 3 kids later they are the absolute loves of my life and I can't imagine a world without them in it.

You never know what's around the corner and the unexpected things that will bring great joy.

FilthyforFirth · 10/06/2021 15:27

It's not remotely your decision is it?! Such an odd mindset.

Did you request permission from your parents when you had DS?

Original poster
Manzanilla55 · 10/06/2021 15:27

I don't tell ds not to have any children. I doubt at this age he would listen to me and it isn't my place to impose my views.

OP posts:
osbertthesyrianhamster · 10/06/2021 15:29

I have no interest, either. DS has autism and doesn't want them and DD doesn't, either, as she doesn't want to risk having a child with autism.

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 10/06/2021 15:31

The thing is, some parents expect an awful lot of the grandparents these days. I have friends who expect their parents to give up 2 days of their week to provide childcare. It doesn't have to be like that! My parents live 2 hours away and have far to many hobbies and interests to commit to regular childcare. We see them every 6 weeks or so, they are wonderful and fully engaged when we see them and they also get to pick and chose what they do/don't do with them, so they tend to opt out of bed time and disciplining them etc.

So what I'm saying is that you could be a happy grandparent without having to give up your hobbies, interests or much of your time.

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 10/06/2021 15:32

@Justcallmebebes

My daughter got pregnant quite young (in my view anyway) and I was extremely unhappy about it and certainly didn't feel ready to be a grandmother.

6 years and 3 kids later they are the absolute loves of my life and I can't imagine a world without them in it.

You never know what's around the corner and the unexpected things that will bring great joy.

Oh yes, and this!!
notalwaysalondoner · 10/06/2021 15:33

My parents and parents in law don’t seem very bothered by the idea of grandchildren- and I’m 33 weeks pregnant with the first! But my aunt was the same and is how crazy over her grandchildren, so you never know how you’ll feel once they’re here, and unlike your own children, you don’t get to decide if they arrive or not. So keep your feelings to yourself (or if you tell friends make sure it won’t get back to DS) and see what happens as you don’t get a choice, you can choose not to be heavily involved though of course.

I wonder if it’s something to do with being an older parent as my parents, parents in law and aunt were all over 35 when they had their first.

Totallyrandomname · 10/06/2021 15:34

I don’t think it’s odd to not want grandchildren but it’s maybe a little odd if you’re going about telling people you specifically don’t want grandkids (though maybe you meant you tell people you don’t want grandchildren in response to them asking?).

I’d also be wary of saying too much negative about grandchildren in case your son changes his mind. You can be clear about not wanting to help look after young children again without phrasing it as not wanting grandchildren.

Really whether you want GC or not is irrelevant as you’ll either be a grandmother or not. I guess it’s just what type of relationship you’d want that you would need to be clear about.

decoratedstandardlamp · 10/06/2021 15:34

This is weird post to write. Let's just keep it between you and MN, rather than telling anyone else in real life.

Imagine how you'd have felt if a parent or inlaw thought they had any day your reproductive choices.

Aquamarine1029 · 10/06/2021 15:34

I don't absolutely not want grandchildren, but I definitely don't care if I'm ever a grandmother. To be totally honest, I have often thought in recent years that I kind of hope my children, who are 21 and 24, don't bring children into this screwed up world. I have very mixed feelings about it.

One thing I do know for sure is that I will definitely not be providing regular free childcare to my potential future grandchildren. Not a chance. Of course I will love them and love to spend time with them, but I will not be the regular child minder so their parents can go back to work. Never going to happen. I've done my bit raising kids, thank you very much. I truly loved having my kids, but I'm done with all that.

Patapouf · 10/06/2021 15:36

Err not your decision at all. You can decide you don't want a relationship with grandchildren if you want to be a bitch but whether you have grandchildren isn't your choice.

Gothichouse40 · 10/06/2021 15:38

Difficulty is for many families childcare is so expensive. So if they live nearby grandparents are usually asked to help out. I help out with my grandchild, I love it but, it is a big commitment. Gone are the days when children could move out, get a job and live independently. So many people I know have adult children living at home. I know a few people who brought up their grandchildren too.

CounsellorTroi · 10/06/2021 15:39

I think assuming you will have grandchildren could cause a lot of heartache if your son doesn’t want to have children.

Or can't.

FatCatThinCat · 10/06/2021 15:39

I'd not really thought about it before but I must admit I'm not that keen on having grandkids either. Possibly influenced by the fact that my house if full of animals that my DD has taken in and then left for me to care for.

bigbluebus · 10/06/2021 15:40

I've sort of assumed that I won't ever have grandchildren as my DS (24) also says he doesn't want children. I'm not bothered either way. If one or more comes along at some point then fine, I'll be happy to get involved, but I'm not one of those women who spends their whole life waiting for their DCs to produce children (and I know a few lije this!). Due to location, neither my parents nor DHs were heavily involved with their grandchildren - as in they were great when they saw them, but didn't see them that often.

saraclara · 10/06/2021 15:40

I find it weird that so many posters have assumed that OP thinks she gets to have a decision on this! She's made it clear that she hasn't said anything to her son about not wanting nor will she. She told some friends in passing, and it's their reaction that stimulated the OP, not her son's.

I suspect that my mum didn't really want to be a grandmother either. When I told my parents that I was pregnant, she looked shell-shocked. And she's never really shown any interest in them. Fortunately, we lived a distance away, so it's not like my kids expected to see much of her.

Totallyrandomname · 10/06/2021 15:42

@bigbluebus

I've sort of assumed that I won't ever have grandchildren as my DS (24) also says he doesn't want children. I'm not bothered either way. If one or more comes along at some point then fine, I'll be happy to get involved, but I'm not one of those women who spends their whole life waiting for their DCs to produce children (and I know a few lije this!). Due to location, neither my parents nor DHs were heavily involved with their grandchildren - as in they were great when they saw them, but didn't see them that often.
I think expecting grandchildren can be harmful to children too.

My mother kept asking why I didn’t have kids even when she knew I was waiting on a fertility clinic appointment.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 10/06/2021 15:42

I find it strange- once retired how many hrs in your day to fill, you wouldn’t want some additional family to see occasionally ? Doesn’t need to be the waltons that you childcare for.

Buddywoo · 10/06/2021 15:42

I have grandchildren but would have been quite happy without. I see them regularly but as we are a distance away I am not involved in day to day care.

I have become more interested as they have got older. Babies and toddlers don't do it for me.

MaBroon21 · 10/06/2021 15:42

I have no interest, either. DS has autism and doesn't want them and DD doesn't, either, as she doesn't want to risk having a child with autism

I understand this completely due to personal circumstances.

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 10/06/2021 15:42

He doesn't want children either

He's 16! He doesn't know yet. I am happily childfree, but that isn't something I knew at 16.

Anyway - whether or not you'll be a grandparent will not be your decision in the slightest, so don't worry about it.

Pinotwoman82 · 10/06/2021 15:43

I have 3 DS and I wouldn’t be fussed if they had children, but to be fair they are still young, but if they do I really hope I get a few years of peace and quiet

Sally872 · 10/06/2021 15:43

I wouldn't want grandchildren to live in my house, or to be responsible for all the childcare while parents worked.

I think it is strange to not want them at all though. I mean seeing them one afternoon every other weekend would hardly eat into your time and likely bring a lot of joy.

I can understand being indifferent about it but surprised anyone would actively not want grandchildren.

MareofBeasttown · 10/06/2021 15:45

@Manzanilla55

Does anybody else feel the same?
I do. I am very pessimistic about climate change and the world they will inherit.