Not to support DD TTC?

[checkyourpops]

She's 19. Too young, if we are all completely honest.

Last year, she was pregnant with her own DD who died sadly due to a miscarriage at 20 weeks. The pregnancy wasn't planned, although that wasn't making it any easier obviously. I am/was of course devastated for her so I know she's had a hard time. But she needs to be realistic in her choices, as hard as that may be for now.

Her boyfriend is nice enough but I'm not entirely sure he's right for her, for a number of reasons.

Thing is, even if she did let herself down and her prospects down by moving out and finding somewhere to live, that would at least be something.

But she wants to continue living in her large bedroom, with her en-suite. The house is quite big so we have space but her entitlement is so off.

The reason I know she's TTC is because I found a receipt from Boots on the side next to some Vitamins and my prescription I asked her to pick up. On it said Folic Acid. I take a further look and I find it in the cupboard. Upon confronting DD, she says she's very sorry but they feel TTC is the only thing that's easing their pain.

I said fine, (I was quite angry), but move out first at least. She says she wants to stay here. I said she really can't, with a baby. When asked if she also expected her boyfriend to move in too, she said she didn't expect that? To make matters worse yet, H has spoken to her over dinner apparently?! And he says he supports her decision... when speaking to him in private, I said this is absolutely NOT on, she isn't even willing to move out. He says we've got space and the room. I say no. He's very calm about this whole thing. It's actually infuriating. I said well I bet she still expected to come on holiday with us if she has a baby. He says why not?!

Truth is that H doesn't want to downsize and I do. We currently live in a 5 bed house. It's too big for us all. We also have a DS who's 11.

What on earth would you do? H is not supporting me in encouraging DD to find a space of her own. That's before we get into the fact that two 19 year olds are trying for a baby.

She has no proper job, despite very good A Level results. She chose to go to work in some admin role for the NHS and works only 4 days a week 'because it suits her well'. Her boyfriend works in property of some sort in an advanced apprenticeship, think he did a few before that. A

I'm so upset for her. I can't believe she's doing this to herself and us

@Fieldsofstars

It’s a bit of an assumption though isn’t it, don’t you think? *@stackemhigh*

Well I agree that it’s an assumption on the dd’s part that parents would house her and baby.

Also OP someone I know through my folks had a daughter get pregnant at 20 while still living with them. Her boyfriend moved in, the parents told them they needed to leave when the baby was six months and guess what....?

Of course she was pregnant again. They ended up putting the house in the market but they're helping pay daughter's rent and babysit daily. Definitely not the retirement they wanted.

@TatianaBis

Look there are posters on here who didn’t go to uni and therefore take OP’s frustration at her DD’s lack of degree personally. There are people for whom an NHS admin job seems a great achievement.

But the thread is not about you, it’s about a girl with good academic record for whom uni is an obvious choice who is instead coasting in a job without any particular prospects.

While I would agree there’s not much OP can do about, her frustration is legitimate whether you understand it or not.

This is thread is like a honey pot for goady fuckers.

Honestly.

OP, if you’d posted to say “my 19 year old daughter is living at my house and she and her boyfriend want a puppy. The boyfriend doesn’t live here. I do not want a puppy and have made this clear. My husband has said he’s ok with a puppy, but I’m putting my foot down”, you’d be met with a string of responses saying “a puppy shouldn’t be brought into the house if it’s not wanted there by everyone. Do not get a puppy”.

Every sympathy for your daughter’s loss but her plan is ridiculous.

I agree that your husband is the issue here.

What I can't understand is... of course it's not a situation you'd encourage. Even in these circumstances... but for people to suggest you kick her out following the death of her baby because she's trying to heal?
That doesn't sit well with me.
No she isn't in the place to be having a child but in her eyes I imagine it feels like this is what would have happened had her baby survived and so why should she give that up.
I think a gentle approach might be better. She may not have even considered it all properly. Grief does funny things to you.

@TatianaBis

Look there are posters on here who didn’t go to uni and therefore take OP’s frustration at her DD’s lack of degree personally. There are people for whom an NHS admin job seems a great achievement.

But the thread is not about you, it’s about a girl with good academic record for whom uni is an obvious choice who is instead coasting in a job without any particular prospects.

While I would agree there’s not much OP can do about, her frustration is legitimate whether you understand it or not.

Oh bless your heart. I went to 'uni,' have three degrees and now teach at university. I still understand an NHS admin job is a good, worthwhile job, and I still recognise that the OP's frustration is inappropriate.

@Raindropumbrella

See, I struggle to understand when women that don’t even know they’re pregnant, it’s not planned, they have a miscarriage then they’re devastated You struggle to understand why a young woman who had a stillbirth at 20 weeks would be upset?

Defies belief. There are some cold, heartless, unempathetic harridans on this thread.

'How on earth do people on MN get themselves into the position of their teen children calling the shots?'

You'll have to ask OP I guess?

Even in these circumstances... but for people to suggest you kick her out following the death of her baby because she's trying to heal?

No one has said this, OP has been supporting her dd. But OP is right to tell dd she needs to move out if she wants another baby.

She sounds entitled - the issue with teenagers like this is that they’ve had it too easy, with no repercussions or real difficulty. So she probably doesn’t care what you think or believe what you say (when do teens listen to their parents). She’ll be thinking ‘oh it’ll be fine, she’s my mum she will help out’. She needs a reality check.

I would drive home how difficult it is to raise a baby. I would say that if she expects you to stand in as 2nd mum, it will not be happening. I would warn her that the impact of her bringing a newborn into a house you don’t want it in could damage your relationship hugely. TTC is well within her right, but bringing sleepless nights and a whole new human into your household? That is not just her decision to be making as it is not just her it will affect.

@VodselForDinner

Honestly.

OP, if you’d posted to say “my 19 year old daughter is living at my house and she and her boyfriend want a puppy. The boyfriend doesn’t live here. I do not want a puppy and have made this clear. My husband has said he’s ok with a puppy, but I’m putting my foot down”, you’d be met with a string of responses saying “a puppy shouldn’t be brought into the house if it’s not wanted there by everyone. Do not get a puppy”.

Every sympathy for your daughter’s loss but her plan is ridiculous.

I agree that your husband is the issue here.

The daughters baby died and you're comparing this to her wanting a puppy?

Even in these circumstances... but for people to suggest you kick her out following the death of her baby because she's trying to heal?

Are we reading the same thread?

@PixieDust28

See, I struggle to understand when women that don’t even know they’re pregnant, it’s not planned, they have a miscarriage then they’re devastated.

You struggle to understand that a woman who didn't know she was pregnant to then find out she was pregnant but had a miscarriage so lost the pregnancy could be devastated?

REALLY?!

You don't understand that someone could be completely devastated that they had a miscarriage. Do you know how many emotions they'd be feeling anyway?!

You're so narrow minded and people like you wind me up.

'Children shouldn't have children' okay so at 20 she is no longer a teen so that's okay. Wind your fucking neck in.

Wind your fucking neck in hen, she’s 19 and living at home with her mother!!! Yeah totally independent!! 🙄 even the OP thinks is a bad idea!

You recon if she had a baby, her and the dad would be together for the next 20 years supporting their child? Don’t be ridiculous!!

I’d bet my house on it that they be separated in a couple of years and grandparents would have to take over.

Have you heard of the saying ‘the child should come first?!?!?!’ Clearly fucking not!

Stop being naive.

@Treaclepie19

What I can't understand is... of course it's not a situation you'd encourage. Even in these circumstances... but for people to suggest you kick her out following the death of her baby because she's trying to heal? That doesn't sit well with me. No she isn't in the place to be having a child but in her eyes I imagine it feels like this is what would have happened had her baby survived and so why should she give that up. I think a gentle approach might be better. She may not have even considered it all properly. Grief does funny things to you.

Of course she deserves to try and heal however she wants.

But she shouldn't have been assuming living at home was 'what would have happened had her baby survived and so why should she give that up'.

If a 19 year old came on here and said "I've just fallen pregnant by accident, my plan is to stay at home because I like my en suite and only working 4 days a week", she'd get ripped to shreds and rightly so.

So if OP's DD wants to heal by trying for another child, good luck to her and I hope it helps because I wouldn't wish what she's been throigh on anyone. But she still needs to grow up and realise she doesn't get to derail her own mother's plans and wishes because she thinks her chosen method of healing involves disrupting her parents' and brother's life signficantly because it's convenient for her.

I really feel for OP's daughter but fundamentally, nobody who thinks they're grown up enough to be deliberately trying for a baby, for whatever reason, should be expecting their parents to put them up if they don't want to.

There are ways to be supportive without having a baby living with you. A lot of grandparents help out to start with and then babysit occasionally. The OP doesn't have to live with the baby and help care for it to be 'supportive'. That's a lot to ask from a grandparent.

I really feel for you OP, This is a difficult situation. Ultimately, your DD sounds like she is struggling with direction and moving on from the loss. You DH isn’t helping.

However, you can’t stop her conceiving and you probably won’t throw her out if she does. So really what are you going to do? Don’t worry about what you can’t control.

OP, I would try and determine whether DD and her BF are TTC or whether your DD is TTC. There's a difference.

Please some of you give OP a break and stop being judgey about your assumption of her judgements.

The OP is the most judgemental person on this thread. I do understand why she might not want a baby in her house but OP doesn't think the BF is right for DD so I don't understand why so many posters advise DD moving in with someone who isn't right for her. It's a "Relationships" thread waiting to happen.

'Because it's my house?
Is it not your dh's house too? Why are bis opinions less valid than yours? My opinion aligns much more with your husband's. I would not choose any of my children to have babies at 19, but if my dd had been through something so traumatic and badly needed this to heal, i would be doing everything to make her hurting go awaya and support her to regain her mental health. Presumably they'll be 20ish once the baby is born, i am not sure why you think you will be doing all the childcare

@stackemhigh do I, I'm not, but there you go

Oh bless your heart. I went to 'uni,' have three degrees and now teach at university. I still understand an NHS admin job is a good, worthwhile job, and I still recognise that the OP's frustration is inappropriate.

It’s not unreasonable to be disappointed your child isn’t making the most of her very good A Levels.

@Raindropumbrella

See, I struggle to understand when women that don’t even know they’re pregnant, it’s not planned, they have a miscarriage then they’re devastated You struggle to understand why a young woman who had a stillbirth at 20 weeks would be upset?

If she didn’t know she was pregnant and was with a scallywag with no hope of supporting each other let alone a baby then yes…

I understand being upset but not trying to get pregnant again so soon after. It’s a disaster waiting to happen

@a8mint

'Because it's my house? Is it not your dh's house too? Why are bis opinions less valid than yours? My opinion aligns much more with your husband's. I would not choose any of my children to have babies at 19, but if my dd had been through something so traumatic and badly needed this to heal, i would be doing everything to make her hurting go awaya and support her to regain her mental health. Presumably they'll be 20ish once the baby is born, i am not sure why you think you will be doing all the childcare

Because OP lives there and doesn’t want a baby in the house. If it was the reverse and DH didn’t want the baby there but OP did, then the same would apply.

Is it not your dh's house too? Why are bis opinions less valid than yours?

It depends whether he's the helpful sort or whether, having allowed DD to move the baby in, he's going to bugger off out of the house and leave the OP to deal with it. Many fathers of very wanted children conveniently take up golf or cycling when the DC arrive...Only the OP knows whether her husband would actually step up or whether he just likes to avoid unpleasantness.