Not to support DD TTC?

[checkyourpops]

She's 19. Too young, if we are all completely honest.

Last year, she was pregnant with her own DD who died sadly due to a miscarriage at 20 weeks. The pregnancy wasn't planned, although that wasn't making it any easier obviously. I am/was of course devastated for her so I know she's had a hard time. But she needs to be realistic in her choices, as hard as that may be for now.

Her boyfriend is nice enough but I'm not entirely sure he's right for her, for a number of reasons.

Thing is, even if she did let herself down and her prospects down by moving out and finding somewhere to live, that would at least be something.

But she wants to continue living in her large bedroom, with her en-suite. The house is quite big so we have space but her entitlement is so off.

The reason I know she's TTC is because I found a receipt from Boots on the side next to some Vitamins and my prescription I asked her to pick up. On it said Folic Acid. I take a further look and I find it in the cupboard. Upon confronting DD, she says she's very sorry but they feel TTC is the only thing that's easing their pain.

I said fine, (I was quite angry), but move out first at least. She says she wants to stay here. I said she really can't, with a baby. When asked if she also expected her boyfriend to move in too, she said she didn't expect that? To make matters worse yet, H has spoken to her over dinner apparently?! And he says he supports her decision... when speaking to him in private, I said this is absolutely NOT on, she isn't even willing to move out. He says we've got space and the room. I say no. He's very calm about this whole thing. It's actually infuriating. I said well I bet she still expected to come on holiday with us if she has a baby. He says why not?!

Truth is that H doesn't want to downsize and I do. We currently live in a 5 bed house. It's too big for us all. We also have a DS who's 11.

What on earth would you do? H is not supporting me in encouraging DD to find a space of her own. That's before we get into the fact that two 19 year olds are trying for a baby.

She has no proper job, despite very good A Level results. She chose to go to work in some admin role for the NHS and works only 4 days a week 'because it suits her well'. Her boyfriend works in property of some sort in an advanced apprenticeship, think he did a few before that. A

I'm so upset for her. I can't believe she's doing this to herself and us

See, I struggle to understand when women that don’t even know they’re pregnant, it’s not planned, they have a miscarriage then they’re devastated.

You struggle to understand that a woman who didn't know she was pregnant to then find out she was pregnant but had a miscarriage so lost the pregnancy could be devastated?

REALLY?!

You don't understand that someone could be completely devastated that they had a miscarriage. Do you know how many emotions they'd be feeling anyway?!

You're so narrow minded and people like you wind me up.

'Children shouldn't have children' okay so at 20 she is no longer a teen so that's okay. Wind your fucking neck in.

Fucking hell. I know this place is batshit but some of this thread takes the biscuit. The OP doesn't want her DD living with her if she's determined to have a baby. That's all that matters.

My DD is in her 20s now but if she came to me with a batshit idea like this she would be out on her arse before she'd finished telling me the story. It's utterly ridiculous to suggest that the OP should support this stupidity.

How on earth do people on MN get themselves into the position of their teen children calling the shots?

OP, all it needs is "if you do this, you're out of this house", by way of response. No bloody negotiations!

You sound completely insufferable to be honest.

Fair enough you want her to move out, and if you and your husband can't get on the same page on that then it's your problem.
You don't get to complain about her expecting this kind of treatment when you have fostered a home where she thinks it's a viable option and instead of expecting your husband to get a grip, for her to magically come to realise at the age of 19 it's not feesible to you.

That said, any choice she ever makes for herself won't be good enough for you anyway, I'd also love to know what your job is seeing how you though it was okay to insult the thousands of people reading this post that you no doubt were clapping for a year ago.

I think it is absolutely fine for you to point out she needs to be independent - but a bit rich if you have so far been allowing her to look after you. Of course she is wrong to think it's ok for her to stay living with you, subsidised, forever. Of course she's wrong to think her boyfriend can move in. But she is 19 and she is just working out what adulthood is about; you are her mother and you've been fine with her taking on some quite extensive support roles in the home, so I can see how she's confused.

I also think the grief after pregnancy loss is a really serious motivation.

I don't think you're wrong to hope she won't continue to TTC, but is it possible your feelings of disappointment at her first pregnancy are letting you be less supportive of her than she needs? If she'd had a traumatic late miscarriage aged, say, 33, how would you behave?

I really don't know the answer, but I will say, I got pregnant at your DD's age and my parents were furious and disappointed and so on. I then got pregnant again a few years later and they still felt it was too young, they were so disappointed and I'd let them down; they felt early miscarriage was a blessing and I shouldn't try again too soon. I'm now 36 and, after multiple miscarriages, we know I'm not a great bet for grandchildren. Be very careful what you wish for.

See, I struggle to understand when women that don’t even know they’re pregnant, it’s not planned, they have a miscarriage then they’re devastated
You struggle to understand why a young woman who had a stillbirth at 20 weeks would be upset?

She doesn't want to go to university. She says it's a waste of time unless it's something very specific you must be qualified for.

She has a point, but she should instead be looking for a job with some sort of career structure, not marking time whilst expecting you to support her.

@PomegranateQueen

I agree that your husband is the problem here, if he was more on your side It would free up some of your mental energy so that you could empathize with your daughter while still insist that she needs to have her own place

Is it really a 'problem' to want your traumatised 19 year old to continue to live with you when you have the room? I think it's a problem to have downsizing all worked out when your youngest DC is still only 11! What if he doesn't want to go to uni? Sounds like the OP's DH has a closer relationship with the DCs

I think the OP and her husband are being driven into polarised positions, a better strategy would be for them to come to an agreement and then form a united front to support their traumatised and grieving daughter, help her to see the full implications of what she is planning. Probably the H is able to be blase about having a baby in the household b/c he knows he can tune out and leave OP to do 'women's work'. I would suggest that fury with her H is blocking her ability to empathise with her daughter

A 19 year old is still a 19 year old regardless of their financial or living situation.
The children shouldn’t have children comment is ridiculous.
Since when did financial/ home status have any relevance to emotional maturity/ adulthood?

Is a 27 year old that still lives at home with mum and dad still a child?
Are they not mature enough to have one because they still live at home?
It’s as judgemental as ripping people for having more children than they can fit in their house, cause you know... they should be adults and move first?

@TableFlowerss

@TableFlowerss

See, I struggle to understand when women that don’t even know they’re pregnant, it’s not planned, they have a miscarriage then they’re devastated.

I could understand at 36 when you’re single and have say a one night stand. Yes it might not have been planned but equally at that age I can understand the biological clock ticking so they may think that’s their last chance.

But 19? Still living at home? I’m sorry but she a child clearly. If she’d moved out out had her own place, had a job and was supporting herself then fair enough.

Children shouldn’t have children!!!

You can’t understand why someone is devastated at miscarrying at 20 weeks because it was unplanned?

@SofiaMichelle

Fucking hell. I know this place is batshit but some of this thread takes the biscuit. The OP doesn't want her DD living with her if she's determined to have a baby. That's all that matters.

My DD is in her 20s now but if she came to me with a batshit idea like this she would be out on her arse before she'd finished telling me the story. It's utterly ridiculous to suggest that the OP should support this stupidity.

How on earth do people on MN get themselves into the position of their teen children calling the shots?

OP, all it needs is "if you do this, you're out of this house", by way of response. No bloody negotiations!

Well said.

See, I struggle to understand when women that don’t even know they’re pregnant, it’s not planned, they have a miscarriage then they’re devastated.

The DD miscarried at 20 weeks

@checkyourpops

I do understand a bit better now that another baby might be the only thing DD feels will help heal her, or feel an empty void... but, it can't happen in this house

If she wants a baby, she needs to move out. Which she isn't planning on doing and H seems far to happy to let her continue living here. I don't want a baby in this house 24/7. Babies are hard work. And poor DS is going to senior school in September. Just no, she really really needs her own place. Plus she has no savings, nothing. And why hasn't she pitched for her boyfriend to live here? Why would you TTC with someone you've no intention living with? Honestly I'm going to have to get all thoughts together and asks these things because it just doesn't make much logical sense

She's taking advantage financially

She's taking the piss

It's no different than if I went to my folks and said "I want a Maserati but you pay the monthly payments".

If you can't get your DH on board then I would be very clear that he does all the baby stuff. Sorry but I think your DD expects you to do a load of those duties.

OP you have no caused offence to anyone. Some people are just professionally offended. You are absolutely right to have higher aspirations for your daughter, you are right to have an opinion about her wasting her life and yes you are absolutely right to expect her to carry her own weight rather than make this your problem. Take a stance and do not enable this, perhaps the boyfriend will do a runner as soon as he know he has to support a kid.

See, I struggle to understand when women that don’t even know they’re pregnant, it’s not planned, they have a miscarriage then they’re devastated
Possibly one of the worst things I've read on mn.

I must say I'm a bit torn. My first thoughts were abject horror like you - and I can think of nothing worse than a new baby in the house quite apart from all the other concerns!

But - I also have a teenage DD, and wondered what I would do in the same situation. What was your plan with the first pregnancy - were you going to support her and let her live at home then? I appreciate it's different, but she may not see it that way.

Does BF even know she's TTC, given his initial reaction? And maybe he doesn't want to get a place together, in which case, would you really want her to move out alone? I agree either option is truly dreadful but all you can do is talk to her now and make all those points very clear. If she is so determined then I suspect it's going to happen, so you need to consider what you would actually do in that scenario.

I really really feel for you OP - and hope you find some way to resolve things.

She's going to do what she's going to do. There is obviously so stopping her.

So. Start insisting on rent immediately. She doesn't need to know you'll put it aside... Help her find somewhere nice to move to, and hand her what's been saved from her rent as a deposit.

I'd have thought that by asking for rent, it'll make her more interested in leaving.

Certainly worked when my parents did it to me.

Look there are posters on here who didn’t go to uni and therefore take OP’s frustration at her DD’s lack of degree personally. There are people for whom an NHS admin job seems a great achievement.

But the thread is not about you, it’s about a girl with good academic record for whom uni is an obvious choice who is instead coasting in a job without any particular prospects.

While I would agree there’s not much OP can do about, her frustration is legitimate whether you understand it or not.

@HahaAreyouSerious

You sound completely insufferable to be honest.

Fair enough you want her to move out, and if you and your husband can't get on the same page on that then it's your problem.
You don't get to complain about her expecting this kind of treatment when you have fostered a home where she thinks it's a viable option and instead of expecting your husband to get a grip, for her to magically come to realise at the age of 19 it's not feesible to you.

That said, any choice she ever makes for herself won't be good enough for you anyway, I'd also love to know what your job is seeing how you though it was okay to insult the thousands of people reading this post that you no doubt were clapping for a year ago.

Funny how a woman who stands up for herself and doesn’t want to be saddled with a baby at home when nearing retirement is insufferable!

I’m in my 30s but see this is completely unfair on the OP. OP raised her children, this isn’t her problem, DD needs to move out if she’s determined to have a baby.

YANBU. If DD hasn't yet left home, she hasn't yet learned to be fully independent and responsible for herself. She needs to do this before TTC.

Your DD is obviously going through a difficult and painful time, and needs support. However I'm not sure it's right to TTC to make yourself feel better, or at least not when you're not in a good position to take responsibility for a baby.

@TableFlowerss

See, I struggle to understand when women that don’t even know they’re pregnant, it’s not planned, they have a miscarriage then they’re devastated.

I could understand at 36 when you’re single and have say a one night stand. Yes it might not have been planned but equally at that age I can understand the biological clock ticking so they may think that’s their last chance.

But 19? Still living at home? I’m sorry but she a child clearly. If she’d moved out out had her own place, had a job and was supporting herself then fair enough.

Children shouldn’t have children!!!

What?!?! This is another disgusting comment! What is wrong with some people. I can't believe these attitudes still exist, how depressing

@TableFlowerss

See, I struggle to understand when women that don’t even know they’re pregnant, it’s not planned, they have a miscarriage then they’re devastated.

I could understand at 36 when you’re single and have say a one night stand. Yes it might not have been planned but equally at that age I can understand the biological clock ticking so they may think that’s their last chance.

But 19? Still living at home? I’m sorry but she a child clearly. If she’d moved out out had her own place, had a job and was supporting herself then fair enough.

Children shouldn’t have children!!!

I'm guessing DD had a clue that she was pregnant when she miscarried at 20 WEEKS what the fuck

@TableFlowerss

See, I struggle to understand when women that don’t even know they’re pregnant, it’s not planned, they have a miscarriage then they’re devastated.

I could understand at 36 when you’re single and have say a one night stand. Yes it might not have been planned but equally at that age I can understand the biological clock ticking so they may think that’s their last chance.

But 19? Still living at home? I’m sorry but she a child clearly. If she’d moved out out had her own place, had a job and was supporting herself then fair enough.

Children shouldn’t have children!!!

It's entirely natural you feel devastated after a miscarriage, and feel a drive to have a baby. Your fertility actually increases after a miscarriage - it's an evolutionary drive. So it's not surprising at all.

It's very naive to presume age must correlate with degrees of upset, too. A 19 year old might feel as if the world is ending. A 36 year old might feel they've grown through this enough to be philosophical. You don't know.

I think it's really important that the OP is crystal-clear with her DD about the consequences of choosing to have a baby now, when her DD still has a choice.

What would be unfair would be for the OP to make non-committal noises under the guise of being supportive and then turn round in a few months' time and say, well actually I don't want a baby here, you have to move out.

That's why the OP has to be the bad guy right now. To be anything less than completely honest is unfair to her DD, who may find herself raising this baby in uncomfortable circumstances.

Now is the time to come down hard because her DD (possibly) still has a choice.

@SofiaMichelle

Fucking hell. I know this place is batshit but some of this thread takes the biscuit. The OP doesn't want her DD living with her if she's determined to have a baby. That's all that matters.

My DD is in her 20s now but if she came to me with a batshit idea like this she would be out on her arse before she'd finished telling me the story. It's utterly ridiculous to suggest that the OP should support this stupidity.

How on earth do people on MN get themselves into the position of their teen children calling the shots?

OP, all it needs is "if you do this, you're out of this house", by way of response. No bloody negotiations!

Yep.

@HahaAreyouSerious

You sound completely insufferable to be honest.

Fair enough you want her to move out, and if you and your husband can't get on the same page on that then it's your problem.
You don't get to complain about her expecting this kind of treatment when you have fostered a home where she thinks it's a viable option and instead of expecting your husband to get a grip, for her to magically come to realise at the age of 19 it's not feesible to you.

That said, any choice she ever makes for herself won't be good enough for you anyway, I'd also love to know what your job is seeing how you though it was okay to insult the thousands of people reading this post that you no doubt were clapping for a year ago.

How do some people get through the day if something like this offends them.