Not to support DD TTC?

[checkyourpops]

She's 19. Too young, if we are all completely honest.

Last year, she was pregnant with her own DD who died sadly due to a miscarriage at 20 weeks. The pregnancy wasn't planned, although that wasn't making it any easier obviously. I am/was of course devastated for her so I know she's had a hard time. But she needs to be realistic in her choices, as hard as that may be for now.

Her boyfriend is nice enough but I'm not entirely sure he's right for her, for a number of reasons.

Thing is, even if she did let herself down and her prospects down by moving out and finding somewhere to live, that would at least be something.

But she wants to continue living in her large bedroom, with her en-suite. The house is quite big so we have space but her entitlement is so off.

The reason I know she's TTC is because I found a receipt from Boots on the side next to some Vitamins and my prescription I asked her to pick up. On it said Folic Acid. I take a further look and I find it in the cupboard. Upon confronting DD, she says she's very sorry but they feel TTC is the only thing that's easing their pain.

I said fine, (I was quite angry), but move out first at least. She says she wants to stay here. I said she really can't, with a baby. When asked if she also expected her boyfriend to move in too, she said she didn't expect that? To make matters worse yet, H has spoken to her over dinner apparently?! And he says he supports her decision... when speaking to him in private, I said this is absolutely NOT on, she isn't even willing to move out. He says we've got space and the room. I say no. He's very calm about this whole thing. It's actually infuriating. I said well I bet she still expected to come on holiday with us if she has a baby. He says why not?!

Truth is that H doesn't want to downsize and I do. We currently live in a 5 bed house. It's too big for us all. We also have a DS who's 11.

What on earth would you do? H is not supporting me in encouraging DD to find a space of her own. That's before we get into the fact that two 19 year olds are trying for a baby.

She has no proper job, despite very good A Level results. She chose to go to work in some admin role for the NHS and works only 4 days a week 'because it suits her well'. Her boyfriend works in property of some sort in an advanced apprenticeship, think he did a few before that. A

I'm so upset for her. I can't believe she's doing this to herself and us

I think you're being entirely reasonable in not wanting your DD to plan to have a baby without both parents taking responsibility for providing for the child's needs in a shared home of their own.

However, your standards for your DD in other ways are so impossible, it is tempting to say you're unreasonable.

It's not her fault she has a middle class mother who expected her to go to uni and wants to go on cruises. She sounds like an angel in the house. If she does everything you say, there is a day's work in the housekeeping and childcare she does for you. Many people would give their right arm for a DD like this, yet it is clear that she is a disappointment because she doesn't have the right job. Many women would be delighted that their DD is delightful and holds down a steady job (with almost full-time hours) alongside helping extensively in the home and dealing with a crushing recent bereavement. Yet to you, she has just been lazy and you can't see past your home having been done up just how you like.

So I feel for you, but I feel for you more. I have no doubt you are a loving mother but boy, you are demanding.

her

[quote checkyourpops]@Bottlefeeding Obviously mucky toddlers aren't the only reason I don't want a baby in the house full time! As I said from the start, it's the whole dynamic. Not just mess they make obviously. But my daughters independence, being able to provide for her DC on her own/with boyfriend, wanting to retire properly and downsize. Not just mucky hands [/quote]
Gawd, it would be for me. I really didn't like the toddler stage at all, having to baby proof, no swearing, all that CBeebies and shit, fuck that again. What were her plans for childcare after she went back to work?

@TheWordWomanIsTaken

oh dear, I'm not sure I actually believe what I have just read OP. She is your child and she is hurting. And you don't want' mucky hands in your perfect house. I'd fucking put her up if she needs somewhere to live. You must have a cold cold heart.

Have you read anything I've said? That mucky hands comment was one in many things I've listed. Of course it isn't that! It's mainly wanting to downsize and not have a GC to care for in my own home

It would be a hell no from me.

She wants a baby she moves out. You have to get DH on board, he’s obviously not thinking about the broken nights and childcare.

She wants the cushiness of living in a nice big house with mum and dad, and a baby. Well she can’t have both.

If she wants to be a mum, then she grows up, gets her own place and stops being a daughter in her parents’ house.

you almost always end up taking on lots of extra work.

Your DD does lots of extra work for you...

I'm curious, what were the plans for where your DD and her partner would live after their LO (who they sadly lost) was born? Was the intention that she would live with you, OP? Whilst of course you don't have a duty to house your DD and her child, if that was the intention with her unplanned baby, I can understand why, in her feeling of desperate need to fill the void left by her loss, she would assume that the same would still be possible if she fell pregnant now. I was also really struck by PP's post that our expectations of what 'being adult' looks like are socially constructed and that other cultures wouldn't blink at the idea of an adult child raising their own children in their parents home. That's of course not to say that you should have to do it, but I suppose maybe an approach to your DD founded in curiosity about her own ideas of 'doing adult' or 'doing parent' might be helpful in supporting her to broaden her thinking about having a baby now.

@cadburyegg

I think you could approach this from a different angle. How much experience does your DD have with young babies? Does she know the realities of sleepless nights, constant feeding, nappies? Can you explain this more to her? What are her plans when she finishes maternity leave, childcare etc? If she’s on a low wage then she would be entitled to childcare costs through UC IF she lived alone. But as it stands she lives with you so financial support wouldn’t be offered. I agree the council wouldn’t house her if she has an adequate comfortable home to live in. If she quits her job presumably you’d be required to support her financially? At 19, I had no clue about any of these things. My mum was very open and honest with me about how hard she found having a baby but it was still a shock when I actually had one! (As it is for many)

I had a miscarriage albeit at a much earlier stage and I agree that the only thing that helped lift the pain slightly was to get pregnant again which I was fortunate to do so very quickly. But that doesn’t mean I was incapable of rational thinking.

I agree counselling would help her. I had counselling for about 9 months after my miscarriage. It sounds like she hasn’t been able to process it

Universal credit would still be available to a parent on a low wage.

It would be less because there would be no housing element because she lived with her parents. They wouldn’t be expected to entirely fund her and her child.

Agree. A traumatized daughter and her father wants to support her and give her some security seems to be something bad to some people.
I would guess she will move out soon enough with the mother she has.
My view is the father doesn't want the whole downsizing and holiday situation with OP.
Couldn't begin to guess why that might be

I don’t understand why people are so fixated on the mucky hands comment. That’s obviously not the reason she doesn’t want a baby in the house - just that she’s moved past the baby/toddler stage and doesn’t want to have to look after another

OP, I really admire how clear you are about your feelings on this, especially given the guilt tripping you’ve been subjected to on this thread.

Whilst it’s sad dd lost her baby, it doesn’t give her carte blanche to bring a baby into her parents’ house where the father won’t even be around to co-parent his child. She is incredibly entitled.

I agree with pp, out your house up for sale and tell dd there will be no room in new house.

YANBU, OP. She is not thinking longterm. Next thing she'd be wanting her BF to move in. I agree with the pp who said take her round some one-bed flats. If they are ready to TTC, they must face the responsibility of bringing up a child, not expect you to give up your lifestyle.

@checkyourpops

I am very supportive of her grief, and make a point of talking about my lost GD regularly. She's pictured on my wall in her little knitted outfit, and has her own family bauble at Christmas ❤️

But this is different. This would be an intentional pregnancy when she has no means to house a child or provide for them properly. It's not just me wanting to downsize. It's the care that comes with a GC under the same roof - you almost always end up taking on lots of extra work. But I don't want to. I don't want to care for a GC in my house. I want to visit. I want to hand them back properly and return to peace. This isn't what I wanted and I'm sorry, it's my house, she doesn't get to disturb that

Why can't they rent a place ? They both have jobs. My 20 year old ds is doing an apprenticeship and comes out with over £1000 a month ( not saying all apprentices do ), and even on a band 2 Nhs admin job at four days a week your dd would be coming out with maybe ? £800 a month.

Oh no. I mean yes she lives with you but if she is willing to move out then you don't have a say.

She is grieving and I hope she has had support.

Of course NHS admin is a proper job but give OP a break, who does have high hopes for their child? We all want our kids to be happy but I can't imagine anyone not wanting their child to be financially secure and if we're being honest as valid and important as bhs admin or any admin job is, it's not the best pay and OPs DD is planning a child that realistically she probs my can't afford for a lifestyle she wants. Kids are expensive. If she wants a child, to work in her current job then she needs reality that she won't live in a big 5 bed house. It doesn't sound like she's planning much on being self sufficient. When you have a child, their your responsibility. I'm sure GP will chip in when they can or help out. My child is my responsibility snd it's my job to provide for her. OPs DD needs to really think about her life choices and maybe make decision a with her head, not heart. I'm sure there'll be loads of young mums who have been amazing, done a great job parenting, been successful career wise but I bet it was hard. And I bet there's young mums who love their kids, try their best but wonder whether life would be easier if they'd done it later. It's her DD decision and body but she needs to be aware that it's not just cuddles and love. Parenting is so hard snd expensive.

Please some of you give OP a break and stop being judgey about your assumption of her judgements.

@ClareBlue

Agree. A traumatized daughter and her father wants to support her and give her some security seems to be something bad to some people. I would guess she will move out soon enough with the mother she has. My view is the father doesn't want the whole downsizing and holiday situation with OP. Couldn't begin to guess why that might be

You sound very jealous of OP’s lifestyle tbh.

@ClareBlue

Agree. A traumatized daughter and her father wants to support her and give her some security seems to be something bad to some people. I would guess she will move out soon enough with the mother she has. My view is the father doesn't want the whole downsizing and holiday situation with OP. Couldn't begin to guess why that might be

Sorry but one has to laugh.

This post is so very self absorbed.
You’re also very judgemental and it wouldn’t surprise me if you’re just worried about what everyone else thinks. Since everyone else is so beneath you.

Why don’t you step back and stop thinking about yourself for a second op.
Downsizing is no excuse to behave in this manner. It’s not like she couldn’t ever move out is it.
Your daughters lost a baby for goodness sake, and all you’re bothered about is yourself.
You should be ashamed.

See, I struggle to understand when women that don’t even know they’re pregnant, it’s not planned, they have a miscarriage then they’re devastated.

I could understand at 36 when you’re single and have say a one night stand. Yes it might not have been planned but equally at that age I can understand the biological clock ticking so they may think that’s their last chance.

But 19? Still living at home? I’m sorry but she a child clearly. If she’d moved out out had her own place, had a job and was supporting herself then fair enough.

Children shouldn’t have children!!!

I don't think you can be expected to put your life plans on hold for hers. If she does go ahead, I'd just continue with the downsizing as planned and point out that the new house won't have room for her and the baby.

@Fieldsofstars

This post is so very self absorbed. You’re also very judgemental and it wouldn’t surprise me if you’re just worried about what everyone else thinks. Since everyone else is so beneath you.

Why don’t you step back and stop thinking about yourself for a second op.
Downsizing is no excuse to behave in this manner. It’s not like she couldn’t ever move out is it.
Your daughters lost a baby for goodness sake, and all you’re bothered about is yourself.
You should be ashamed.

Oh pull yourself together. Losing a baby doesn’t mean you have the right to plan starting a family in your parents’ house.

@Fieldsofstars

This post is so very self absorbed. You’re also very judgemental and it wouldn’t surprise me if you’re just worried about what everyone else thinks. Since everyone else is so beneath you.

Why don’t you step back and stop thinking about yourself for a second op.
Downsizing is no excuse to behave in this manner. It’s not like she couldn’t ever move out is it.
Your daughters lost a baby for goodness sake, and all you’re bothered about is yourself.
You should be ashamed.

Pretty sure it’s more self-absorbed to plan to have a child and expect your parents to house you.

She has no proper job, despite very good A Level results.She chose to go to work in some admin role for the NHS and works only 4 days a week 'because it suits her well'.

Admin for the NHS isn't a proper job??? I can't believe that anyone could say that, especially after the year we've had.

And many people work 4 days a week; and many more would if theiy had the opportunity. For many, it's preferable either to full-time or extremely part-time.

I can understand your worrying about parenthood so early, and about how it may constrain your own living arrangements; but you do sound very dismissive about some quite reasonable-seeming job choices.

It’s a bit of an assumption though isn’t it, don’t you think? @stackemhigh