Not to support DD TTC?

[checkyourpops]

She's 19. Too young, if we are all completely honest.

Last year, she was pregnant with her own DD who died sadly due to a miscarriage at 20 weeks. The pregnancy wasn't planned, although that wasn't making it any easier obviously. I am/was of course devastated for her so I know she's had a hard time. But she needs to be realistic in her choices, as hard as that may be for now.

Her boyfriend is nice enough but I'm not entirely sure he's right for her, for a number of reasons.

Thing is, even if she did let herself down and her prospects down by moving out and finding somewhere to live, that would at least be something.

But she wants to continue living in her large bedroom, with her en-suite. The house is quite big so we have space but her entitlement is so off.

The reason I know she's TTC is because I found a receipt from Boots on the side next to some Vitamins and my prescription I asked her to pick up. On it said Folic Acid. I take a further look and I find it in the cupboard. Upon confronting DD, she says she's very sorry but they feel TTC is the only thing that's easing their pain.

I said fine, (I was quite angry), but move out first at least. She says she wants to stay here. I said she really can't, with a baby. When asked if she also expected her boyfriend to move in too, she said she didn't expect that? To make matters worse yet, H has spoken to her over dinner apparently?! And he says he supports her decision... when speaking to him in private, I said this is absolutely NOT on, she isn't even willing to move out. He says we've got space and the room. I say no. He's very calm about this whole thing. It's actually infuriating. I said well I bet she still expected to come on holiday with us if she has a baby. He says why not?!

Truth is that H doesn't want to downsize and I do. We currently live in a 5 bed house. It's too big for us all. We also have a DS who's 11.

What on earth would you do? H is not supporting me in encouraging DD to find a space of her own. That's before we get into the fact that two 19 year olds are trying for a baby.

She has no proper job, despite very good A Level results. She chose to go to work in some admin role for the NHS and works only 4 days a week 'because it suits her well'. Her boyfriend works in property of some sort in an advanced apprenticeship, think he did a few before that. A

I'm so upset for her. I can't believe she's doing this to herself and us

@Coldwine75

Im also still trying to get over ' she doesnt have a proper job' , so working 4 days a week in admin for the NHS is not a 'proper' job, shame on you.

I didn't word it well as I was angry and upset with DD - As I know her reason behind not working full time - She really doesn't want to because she doesn't like it! I've been told this directly and I think it's disappointing. She isn't using the spare day to engage in anything useful or enjoy a hobby. She simply doesn't feel like working full time

She has 0 ambitions to progress further, we've had a lot of chats about this. That includes progressing further within her department in the hospital

So what?

Honestly, so what if she doesn't want to? Maybe she likes her job. Does her happiness mean fuck all to you? Is it really more important that she reaches your expectations?

@Blossomtoes her perspective is that she has a right to get pregnant, with no financial security, expect her parents to bail her out and treat the father of the child as a sperm donor?

I'm glad you're in the tiny minority, children are not dolls!

So what if she doesnt have ambitions now to go further or work ft? Least she is working and id be very proud of her if that was my dd. Its not like she is lying about doing nothing all day. So she hasnt reached your very high expectations of a career? She is young, she may move on and up later in life?

If she is pg Id let her stay during the pregnancy and the early months and support her, but make her aware she does need to get her own place before the baby is 1??

@Coldwine75 how would that work?

I can't afford a place on my part time wages and no DP in the picture, I can't afford to move out?

So does OP evict her?

I dont know, maybe rent a 1 bed flat , maybe between them they can afford it?

@Coldwine75

I dont know, maybe rent a 1 bed flat , maybe between them they can afford it?

She doesn’t want to do that either.

Why not? Or have i missed something?

@Coldwine75 because that would be coercing her to live with the father of her child.

According to PP.

But they are together and both want a child?

@Coldwine75

Why not? Or have i missed something?

She wants to continue living with the OP once the baby arrives, has said that she only wants the baby and that the boyfriend can see them “whenever”.

In terms of her TTC, she is an adult and is entitled to do this if she so wishes. The miscarriage she went through may make this more so, I lost a baby and was desperate to get pregnant again, the pain didn't get any better until I had another baby in my arms.

That said, if she wants to behave like an adult then she needs to live like one. Though I find what you say about her job a bit disrespectful. An admin job is a "proper" job

The point is the DD can work one day a week if she so chooses. She can have no ambition. She can decline to live with the father of her planned child. All up to her as she is an adult. What she can't do is continue to live in OP's house if she chooses to have a baby. This young woman needs a reality check not pandering to.

@Coldwine75

Why not? Or have i missed something?

She doesn’t want to live with her boyfriend. Just like OP doesn’t want to live with her grandchild.

OP have you ever have had a miscarriage? Can you put yourself in your daughter shoes? She's now pregnant, things have changed. I'm
Not saying she shouldn't move out, she absolutely should but right now she needs her family! She needs use to support her, her anxiety is going to be through the roof, she clearly didn't deal with her grief with her lost baby. Forcing her to move out right now is not the best for her. If you want to downsize put your house on the market look around for your smaller place, but let her live there untill use found your new home and then help her set up home aswell. She needs her mum right now this pregnancy is going to be the longest worrisome 9 months of her life don't add extra stress on it.

[quote stackemhigh]@ClareBlue

There seems to be more compassion in the updates and a more pragmatic view from OP and DH.
Do we need to continually call the daughter selfish and entitled etc. I think we know that the choices are not great with our benefit of experience, but she is still a loved daughter who has made a life changing choice at an early age.
She will be a young mum. It's not the end of the world and not the end of being able to achieve things she wants too.
Of course it's not ideal, but is life always ideal.
I think rhe OPs strategy is a good one and a good compromise that hopefully won't cause a long lasting rift. Because a complete break up with her only daughter would be a sad outcome that would cast a shadow over any retirement plans.
So now we wish a healthy pregnancy
Successful flat hunting

There has been no change in the OP’s approach, she has been calm but firm from the start and her plan was always to set dd up in a flat if dd was pregnant, that isn’t a recent ‘compromise’.

The only change is that you have realised OP’s approach is right.[/quote]
I haven't actually changed my mind in how I would deal with it. But that's not important.
If you think it us about winners and losers in this situation then you are very far from how I would see it.
The tone of the posts have changed if you read them.
Of course there are compromises as all families have to do.
The OP hasn't got her main aim which was for her daughter not to get pregnant but has stood firm on finding a flat. If her daughter goes NC then this will cast a shadow over the 'win' and the rest of her life.

Why do you have to be so narky about it. It is a difficult situation that requires compromise and compassion

@Coldwine75

Why not? Or have i missed something?

You’ve missed an entire thread.

You should actually read what the OP has posted. A lot has happened and a lot of information has been posted since the thread was started.

It’s true that the OP’s DD’s decision to TTC was very unwise, but that ship has well and truly sailed by all accounts. The OP is rightly sticking to her guns by insisting that she moves out. So the best decision is for her DD to have a 1 bed flat as soon as possible. Which is what’s going to happen.

So all the frothing at the mouth of some posters towards the OP’s DD is OTT and also unkind, bearing in mind that this young woman has been through such a traumatic experience. That’s why some posters are reacting by defending her so strongly, I suspect.

When we moved to the region where we now live, we had 3 DC and looked at 4brm 2bthrm houses. One we saw was on the market because the owners' daughter had married and moved her DH in with DPs. The young couple had started to talk about trying for a baby and the only way DPs felt they could make them move out was to sell the house from under them and downsize! It was a lot to learn during one viewing. 🤦🏼‍♀️

We didn't buy that house. GPs have done their dash! You need your sleep unbroken. Babies are exhausting. There's a good reason for the menopause.

I take my hat off to GPs who raise their DGCVand I've known a good few. If your DC dies or gets sick or has their own DC removed because they are an addict or choosing to stay with an abuser, then yes, any GP would take their vitamins and parent again, but this is totally different.

Nobody should TTC without being able to adult first, and that means putting a roof over the child's head, being able to manage finances etc. Between the two of them, they could probably do that, so it's not unreasonable to expect them to!

So all the frothing at the mouth of some posters towards the OP’s DD is OTT and also unkind, bearing in mind that this young woman has been through such a traumatic experience. That’s why some posters are reacting by defending her so strongly, I suspect

Got it in one.

So some people think that dd has the right to make certain choices about her life but the Op hasn't got the same rights? Bizarre.

@Motnight

So some people think that dd has the right to make certain choices about her life but the Op hasn't got the same rights? Bizarre.

Nope. Same rights. Not even slightly bizarre.

@kerbearr it's tragic that the DD had a miscarriage, but the fears she felt with the firsts pregnancy need to be addressed.

1. Where will I live with my baby
2. I'm pregnant, tied to my DP for years, is this what I want?
3. I want a baby, but I want to have my own place and a home for my baby.

She cannot just decide, I'll get pregnant again without sorting out some logistics.

@Motnight

So some people think that dd has the right to make certain choices about her life but the Op hasn't got the same rights? Bizarre.

Maybe women who are desperate to be hands on grandparents and don't understand those who don't?

@cadburyegg

I think you could approach this from a different angle. How much experience does your DD have with young babies? Does she know the realities of sleepless nights, constant feeding, nappies? Can you explain this more to her? What are her plans when she finishes maternity leave, childcare etc? If she’s on a low wage then she would be entitled to childcare costs through UC IF she lived alone. But as it stands she lives with you so financial support wouldn’t be offered. I agree the council wouldn’t house her if she has an adequate comfortable home to live in. If she quits her job presumably you’d be required to support her financially? At 19, I had no clue about any of these things. My mum was very open and honest with me about how hard she found having a baby but it was still a shock when I actually had one! (As it is for many)

I had a miscarriage albeit at a much earlier stage and I agree that the only thing that helped lift the pain slightly was to get pregnant again which I was fortunate to do so very quickly. But that doesn’t mean I was incapable of rational thinking.

I agree counselling would help her. I had counselling for about 9 months after my miscarriage. It sounds like she hasn’t been able to process it

Not true about no support. Your parents income is not taken into account when calculating benefit entitlement. She might not get a lot of she has no housing costs but she would be entitled to tax credits/universal credit and child benefit as it will be worked out on HER income and expenditure only.