Not to support DD TTC?

[checkyourpops]

She's 19. Too young, if we are all completely honest.

Last year, she was pregnant with her own DD who died sadly due to a miscarriage at 20 weeks. The pregnancy wasn't planned, although that wasn't making it any easier obviously. I am/was of course devastated for her so I know she's had a hard time. But she needs to be realistic in her choices, as hard as that may be for now.

Her boyfriend is nice enough but I'm not entirely sure he's right for her, for a number of reasons.

Thing is, even if she did let herself down and her prospects down by moving out and finding somewhere to live, that would at least be something.

But she wants to continue living in her large bedroom, with her en-suite. The house is quite big so we have space but her entitlement is so off.

The reason I know she's TTC is because I found a receipt from Boots on the side next to some Vitamins and my prescription I asked her to pick up. On it said Folic Acid. I take a further look and I find it in the cupboard. Upon confronting DD, she says she's very sorry but they feel TTC is the only thing that's easing their pain.

I said fine, (I was quite angry), but move out first at least. She says she wants to stay here. I said she really can't, with a baby. When asked if she also expected her boyfriend to move in too, she said she didn't expect that? To make matters worse yet, H has spoken to her over dinner apparently?! And he says he supports her decision... when speaking to him in private, I said this is absolutely NOT on, she isn't even willing to move out. He says we've got space and the room. I say no. He's very calm about this whole thing. It's actually infuriating. I said well I bet she still expected to come on holiday with us if she has a baby. He says why not?!

Truth is that H doesn't want to downsize and I do. We currently live in a 5 bed house. It's too big for us all. We also have a DS who's 11.

What on earth would you do? H is not supporting me in encouraging DD to find a space of her own. That's before we get into the fact that two 19 year olds are trying for a baby.

She has no proper job, despite very good A Level results. She chose to go to work in some admin role for the NHS and works only 4 days a week 'because it suits her well'. Her boyfriend works in property of some sort in an advanced apprenticeship, think he did a few before that. A

I'm so upset for her. I can't believe she's doing this to herself and us

What a tough situation for you to be in! You’re absolutely right, if she wants to be a parent, and so her her bf they need to take all of that responsibility together, like other pple have to . Moving out now, makes the most sense, they will need to coparent eventually, rather than you coparent w her..
besides, you did your duty raising her, you should not be expected to now raise her child too..

As usual, I feel those being hardline 'what an entitled girl, don't indulge, kick her out' do not have older kids. It's very easy to say this when you have small children. Life is very, VERY humbling - trust me. Kids grow into teenagers with problems, issues, choices, decisions, mistakes - some huge, many small - and life very rarely goes how you think it will. (Mine is nothing like I thought it would be when my academic, happy kids were at primary school. Now we have young adults with serious MH problems).

That said, of course OP should not have to live with dd and baby if she doesn't want to - it's her house and her life, like it's her daughter's life and her decision to have a child.

Living in a 'small flat' and being skint for a few years is NOT the end of the bloody world. Nor is having an NHS admin job four days a week. People bring up families on less.

OP this sounds a nightmare
I'm glad DH is on the same page
If she is old enough to be a mum she is old enough to be be adult and life alone and that is what she needs to do

@checkyourpops I was being kind of ironic/dry really. It's not like you can do much about what's happened, you can only navigate through it as best you can.

I don't have a good feeling about it all, but am sure your DD will come out the other side in the end.

I suppose I can get a feel for what might be happening because I deliberately got pregnant at a similar age, and had a miscarriage. I hadn't thought any of the practicalities through really.

Turns out I had mental health problems that weren't fully diagnosed and treated until some time later.

You are right to put your foot down as regards her being allowed to stay in your house with a baby. No no no if you dont want this. But you need to be firm and say sorry but it just will not be an option. It was a trauma for your DD. But so irresponsible to go ahead with conceiving again and expect you to provide a home. Its not a question of making a decision together. She and her partner need to take responsibility for their decision. I would be furious. Your whole life disrupted. Let his parents provide them with a home.

I agree with @sixthtimelucky parenting young adults who still live at home is hard.
As a parent you want to encourage your adult children to make responsible decisions and sometimes decisions are made which have far reaching consequences.
There is no guarantee that if OPs daughter had gone to university, things would have worked out much better. At the moment job prospects, even for new graduates, are not great. Also 19 year old students do sometimes become pregnant too.
Really hope that you can all sort out the best way forward.

@sixthtimelucky

As usual, I feel those being hardline 'what an entitled girl, don't indulge, kick her out' do not have older kids. It's very easy to say this when you have small children. Life is very, VERY humbling - trust me. Kids grow into teenagers with problems, issues, choices, decisions, mistakes - some huge, many small - and life very rarely goes how you think it will. (Mine is nothing like I thought it would be when my academic, happy kids were at primary school. Now we have young adults with serious MH problems).

That said, of course OP should not have to live with dd and baby if she doesn't want to - it's her house and her life, like it's her daughter's life and her decision to have a child.

Living in a 'small flat' and being skint for a few years is NOT the end of the bloody world. Nor is having an NHS admin job four days a week. People bring up families on less.

I have 4 around her age.

I completely agree with you that parenting primary school children and teens/young adults is vastly, vastly different.

I'm so sorry to read yours are struggling.

I will also add that things can change so quickly so I thank God/universe every day that mine are well.
It is very true that things can change.

Husband and I are devoted to our children and that they have every opportunity to thrive, mature and excel.

But a teenage pregnancy would be treated as a disaster, no doubt about it.

Parenting is challenging enough without being deliberately planned as a teen.

I feel very sorry the OP's daughters loss so young, but her complete disregard for those around her is just not acceptable.

Her refusal to go further with her education and NOT bother with university but opt for part time admin work whilst living rent free with her parents (facilitated by her father), would not be tolerated here.

DS1 muttered something about deferring university for a year or so.

Husband told him it was his choice, but he better get a job asap.
He would be handing up market rate rent if he remained living here, and there would be NO discussion about it.

We were quickly told to "chill out"...he was only joking🙄...yea whatever.🤨

Teens need very firm guidance when they sprout their entitled guff.

Unfortunately IMO the OP's husband facilitated his daughter's massively entitled attitude.

We are very lucky to be very comfortably off, through luck that came from hard work.

Unless our children also work hard and take the opportunities provided to them, they will live vastly different lives going forward in their adult lives.

This isn't being harsh, this is just real life.

Parents do young adults no favours sheilding them from the truth of how hard people work to provide themselves with a lovely home and lifestyle.

I’m sure with her wage and her boyfriends, they could afford a 1B flat?
This baby is as much his as it is hers, so he will need to step up here.

It’s unbelievable that so many of you think it would be a good idea to coerce her into living with her boyfriend when she quite clearly doesn’t want to. It’s like advocating for arranged marriage! Surely we’re more civilised than that?

As for this

Her refusal to go further with her education and NOT bother with university but opt for part time admin work whilst living rent free with her parents (facilitated by her father), would not be tolerated here

OP’s daughter has expressed a very good reason for not getting into £50+k of debt. We’ve turned a university education into a kind of religion to the point where we have graduates working in call centres now. It doesn’t look that sensible to me.

Not a religion - but someone without a degree needs to show interest, experience, enthusiasm for the job - if your desire is to look after a baby you won't have that

It’s unbelievable that so many of you think it would be a good idea to coerce her into living with her boyfriend when she quite clearly doesn’t want to. It’s like advocating for arranged marriage! Surely we’re more civilised than that?

I've heard it all now!!

Coerce her into living with the man she's fallen pregnant with twice! He's not a fucking sperm doner allegedly, he's the chosen partner to two of her children!

Coerced into living with somebody you want a baby with. Heaven forbid. Not when she has a nice five bedroomed house and nice large bedroom with ensuite with Mum and Dad paying most of the bills and Mum handy for a bit of baby sitting. No thanks to this entitled thinking.

I feel for you OP. At 19 I would want my dd to have all the opportunities available to her. I’m nearly 40 and have changed so much since I was 19 and I’ve had some wonderful experiences. Children are a responsibility, without planning you can’t just go where you want, when you want.

I think encouraging her to find a place now is the best idea. You’re not saying you won’t support her but equally that doesn’t mean she has to live with you. She needs to stand on her own two feet along with her partner. I wouldn’t want a young baby in my house and I say that as someone who will have caring responsibilities for two children with special needs into adulthood. Some people have called you cold which is a bit harsh but you’re not saying you won’t help and support your dd, just that you don’t want to live with a baby. Especially one that was planned. It’s unfair of your dd to foist her choice onto you. She sounds like she contributes to the running of the household which she should do as she’s an adult.

@Viviennemary

Coerced into living with somebody you want a baby with. Heaven forbid. Not when she has a nice five bedroomed house and nice large bedroom with ensuite with Mum and Dad paying most of the bills and Mum handy for a bit of baby sitting. No thanks to this entitled thinking.

That isn’t what I said. I didn’t mention her current living arrangements and they have no relevance to the point I made. Do we really think pushing someone into living with someone when they don’t want to is desirable? Really?. Most posters are supporting OP on her decision not to share her home with a baby.

It’s going to be tough enough for her to live independently and raise a child without having someone she doesn’t want to live with in her space. If she is pregnant I hope she’s successful in creating a loving, secure home for her baby.

It’s unbelievable that so many of you think it would be a good idea to coerce her into living with her boyfriend when she quite clearly doesn’t want to. It’s like advocating for arranged marriage! Surely we’re more civilised than that?

What’s so unbelievable? They are in a relationship. The boyfriend isn’t abusive. Surely the DD owes it to her child to at least give it a go? If it doesn’t work out, it doesn’t work out. It’s nothing like advocating for an arranged marriage!

Do we really think pushing someone into living with someone when they don’t want to is desirable?

You see no problem with the OP being pushed into living with her DD and grandchild. What’s the difference?

You see no problem with the OP being pushed into living with her DD and grandchild. What’s the difference?

No difference at all. That’s my precise point. Personally I think OP’s daughter and her baby would be far better off in a place of their own. By themselves.

@Blossomtoes OP doesn't want to live with her DGC, so why is it ok for to be forced too?

Also why the fuck did the DD get pregnant with someone she "doesn't want to live with", she's tied to him for a long time.

So it's OK to say "because she wants a baby", that doesn't trump everything!

Actually @Blossomtoes are you the DD?

It’s going to be tough enough for her to live independently and raise a child without having someone she doesn’t want to live with in her space. If she is pregnant I hope she’s successful in creating a loving, secure home for her baby.

She should've thought about that, before getting pregnant.

Wow , what is wrong with you? Her job sounds fine , good on her for working in the Nhs and I agree with her on the University front.

If she wants to ttc thats her decision but she needs to realise she must move out first then start ttc, you need to sit down and talk?

@Coldwine75 I think you need to at least reads OPs updates, the ship has totally sailed on the moving out before pregnancy issue!

@Blossomtoes

You see no problem with the OP being pushed into living with her DD and grandchild. What’s the difference?

No difference at all. That’s my precise point. Personally I think OP’s daughter and her baby would be far better off in a place of their own. By themselves.

That’s not what you’ve been saying though. You’ve been of the view that the OP should have her DD and grandchild living with her, even though the OP has been clear that she doesn’t want that.

But when the DD doesn’t want to do something, then that’s fine.

I'm not surprised she doesn't care about your opinion when you're so dismissive and downright rude about her life choices.

The NHS wouldn't run without admin staff. I fucking well hope you never clapped on your doorstep.

@SadieCow

Actually *@Blossomtoes* are you the DD?

No. But I seem to be one of a tiny minority of posters who are even trying to see it from her perspective.

Im also still trying to get over ' she doesnt have a proper job' , so working 4 days a week in admin for the NHS is not a 'proper' job, shame on you.