Not to support DD TTC?

[checkyourpops]

She's 19. Too young, if we are all completely honest.

Last year, she was pregnant with her own DD who died sadly due to a miscarriage at 20 weeks. The pregnancy wasn't planned, although that wasn't making it any easier obviously. I am/was of course devastated for her so I know she's had a hard time. But she needs to be realistic in her choices, as hard as that may be for now.

Her boyfriend is nice enough but I'm not entirely sure he's right for her, for a number of reasons.

Thing is, even if she did let herself down and her prospects down by moving out and finding somewhere to live, that would at least be something.

But she wants to continue living in her large bedroom, with her en-suite. The house is quite big so we have space but her entitlement is so off.

The reason I know she's TTC is because I found a receipt from Boots on the side next to some Vitamins and my prescription I asked her to pick up. On it said Folic Acid. I take a further look and I find it in the cupboard. Upon confronting DD, she says she's very sorry but they feel TTC is the only thing that's easing their pain.

I said fine, (I was quite angry), but move out first at least. She says she wants to stay here. I said she really can't, with a baby. When asked if she also expected her boyfriend to move in too, she said she didn't expect that? To make matters worse yet, H has spoken to her over dinner apparently?! And he says he supports her decision... when speaking to him in private, I said this is absolutely NOT on, she isn't even willing to move out. He says we've got space and the room. I say no. He's very calm about this whole thing. It's actually infuriating. I said well I bet she still expected to come on holiday with us if she has a baby. He says why not?!

Truth is that H doesn't want to downsize and I do. We currently live in a 5 bed house. It's too big for us all. We also have a DS who's 11.

What on earth would you do? H is not supporting me in encouraging DD to find a space of her own. That's before we get into the fact that two 19 year olds are trying for a baby.

She has no proper job, despite very good A Level results. She chose to go to work in some admin role for the NHS and works only 4 days a week 'because it suits her well'. Her boyfriend works in property of some sort in an advanced apprenticeship, think he did a few before that. A

I'm so upset for her. I can't believe she's doing this to herself and us

I also think there's some internal grieving to be done, OP, for your hopes or expectations for your daughter. She is making her own choices and those are clearly not what you wanted but you have to let that go and come to terms with what she wants at the moment. Mourn your hopes or expectations and let them go, it's fairer for you both.

@Kokeshi123

Cannot believe some of the indulgence and justifications going on on this thread. If someone wanted to bring a puppy into a house that was poorly set up for this and where most of the family members didn't want it, everyone would be horrified and would point out, correctly, that this is irresponsible, that you don't get a puppy on a whim, that a puppy does not enter a house unless EVERYONE Is on board with it and so on. There would be concern for the puppy, as well as concern for the other people in the house and esp the person who is likely to get stuck with the hair-hoovering and poo picking.

Replace puppy with baby and apparently some people are OK with this. Because apparently it's okay and understandable for a baby to be conceived as a kind of human sticking plaster or therapy provider, rather than thinking about whether this is a good situation for a baby, thinking about the long term costs and responsibilities, thinking about the irresponsibility of having a baby come into the world with the "job" of comforting its bereaved mother, thinking about the ethics of conceiving a baby with an absent and disinterested father...

This in spades!!

@checkyourpops thank God you’re not a pushover...

OP, I know someone who did similar to your DD. She is still living with her parents. The child is now 16. The grandmother effectively raised the child because the "mum" was (is) very immature and didn't like the responsibility and reality of it.
You are totally right that she needs to move out. She is being really irresponsible and selfish. She isn't thinking about this baby at all.

Family meeting with everyone including the boyfriend AND his parents. Explain his financial responsibilities should she conceive, because you will NOT be supporting this kid. Explain to your DH that he should listen VERY carefully to these arrangements, as he is unwilling to hear you on this and be practical, then you will apply for a legal separation and he will be paying child support for DS as well. (And maybe alimony, etc…) Should you divorce because of this situation, the house will be sold anyway.

OP I understand where you're coming from. I would encourage my own daughter to get her own place in your shoes too.

But some of the language you use about her is really an insight into how you may be speaking to her generally in a negative way and could really risk you losing your good relationship with her.

Things like "I said it isn't really that clear a positive so might not stick anyway" - frankly this is a horrendous thing to say to someone whether or not you agree with their choice and even if they havent had the experience she has. Honestly, if my mum said the same to me in the same situation I wouldnt have the same relationship with her again. You should apologise and re think how you speak.

You also seem very hung up on her life choices aside from the baby in terms of her job etc. It sounds belittling. I get that you wanted more for her but what if this is her more? If this is what she wants to make her happy in life then who are you to say otherwise. You arent her. If she wants to work in admin that's her choice.

If you're willing to say what you did to her about the pregnancy sticking, knowing she had the horrific experience of losing a baby late enough to have to endure labour, then I can almost guarantee you've made digs about her job. Her self worth is probably low and she feels a failure hearing that. No wonder she wants a baby.

I do agree with you that if she wants to make the adult choice to bring a child into the world she should be moving out and supporting her child and taking responsibility herself. But I would help her

@checkyourpops you’re getting a rough ride from some posters here, but I’m totally on your side.

My parents were always adamant that if I ill-advisedly had a baby young they’d be thrilled to have a GC and love it beyond measure but I wouldn’t be living in their house and they wouldn’t be bringing the baby up. As a mother of daughters now myself- in my own house!- I completely agree with my mum and dad.

My BFFs sister had a baby at 16- one she also tried for after a miscarriage the previous year- and she and the baby STILL live there, although “the baby” is now 15. Her boyfriend ended up moving in and she had another baby a few years later. The main reason is because once the baby came, saving money was hard and moving out (we are in London) because an unattainable dream. They’re on the council waiting list. So the woman, her partner and two kids run their family life from her mum and dads house and always have done. The GP, especially BFFs mum, have done a lot of the hands on parenting and as such are more like parents to the GC, which has been rough on them.

Again, you sound another who is jealous of OP. These snarky references to her ‘jet set lifestyle’ are very illuminating.

The Op doesn't have a jet set lifestyle to be jealous of. She is dreaming of the prospect of one in a decade. I was advising her to get on and have it now. I am perplexed as to why having a DD with a baby under her roof back home would make any difference to her doing that.

Similarly she could further her own career or education ambitions rather than invest so emotionally in her DC's prospects and lifestyle choices. In this day and age it is very unusual to be waiting for DHs to retire and DC to flee the nest before getting on with what you want to do. Some of the outdated notions of motherhood and grandmotherhood on this thread are completely incomprehensible.

@SempreSuiGeneris because she wants to sell the house and downsize. To one where there wouldn’t be any space for her daughter and the baby.
As pp have pointed out once baby and daughter start living there they’re unlikely to leave... and it’ll be harder to kick them out and sell house. Better to push daughter into independent living now

[quote BillyShears]@checkyourpops you’re getting a rough ride from some posters here, but I’m totally on your side.

My parents were always adamant that if I ill-advisedly had a baby young they’d be thrilled to have a GC and love it beyond measure but I wouldn’t be living in their house and they wouldn’t be bringing the baby up. As a mother of daughters now myself- in my own house!- I completely agree with my mum and dad.

My BFFs sister had a baby at 16- one she also tried for after a miscarriage the previous year- and she and the baby STILL live there, although “the baby” is now 15. Her boyfriend ended up moving in and she had another baby a few years later. The main reason is because once the baby came, saving money was hard and moving out (we are in London) because an unattainable dream. They’re on the council waiting list. So the woman, her partner and two kids run their family life from her mum and dads house and always have done. The GP, especially BFFs mum, have done a lot of the hands on parenting and as such are more like parents to the GC, which has been rough on them.[/quote]
As I mentioned earlier on the thread, when I was a young teen and becoming sexually active my mum made it really clear to me that if I got pregnant at any point while living with them my choices would be abort or move out and support myself.

Always respected her for that.

If Op wanted to sell the house and downsize NOW, as opposed to in a decade, why has she not already done it? It would have made helping her DD to set up home independently a lot easier practically and emotionally.

@SempreSuiGeneris because she still has a 11 year old!
Have you even read the thread...

@SempreSuiGeneris

If Op wanted to sell the house and downsize NOW, as opposed to in a decade, why has she not already done it? It would have made helping her DD to set up home independently a lot easier practically and emotionally.

Because we wanted to wait until DS finished at his primary school. Anyway, we won't be moving far. Same village/next village over maybe.

DH now knows of the pregnancy and he's really down. Upset, even. I said he gave her hope so he shouldn't be too upset! He does agree. He can't believe it's actually happened

He thinks we should start looking at flats for her to move onto today, I agree. A 1 bed will do. We have also agreed not to buy any luxury items and help with the absolute basics like a second hand pram if she wants us to buy that. Will also push BF as much as possible because it's free. Again, only if she comes our way about money

I said it isn't really that clear a positive so might not stick anyway

@checkyourpops As a PP said, this was a bit harsh. A faint line could just be because she's testing fairly early. Weird thing to say, anyway. As if your DD won't be worried about losing the baby enough. I suppose you will be worried about how she might deal with any loss though, so want to prepare her for the possibility.

I'm quite concerned about her mental health etc- as someone with a mental health disability and other issues, a lot of her behaviour resonates with me.

Congratulations I guess.

Please keep us informed as to how things go.

@checkyourpops I'm glad if your DH has come on board with you. x

You are right that what’s done is done… This situation has come about as a result of extreme entitlement. It has never occurred to her that staying and being supported by you would not be the end result. DD sounds like she is trying to fit in with her older friends and is actually coming across as much more immature than other girls her age. She needs a reality check. I think moving out is a start AND she needs to know that she won’t be coming over and hanging out at your place every day either. She needs to get used to her own company and entertaining herself. Reality is going to be vastly different to the picture she has painted for herself.

@checkyourpops I am entirely in agreement with you. If she is adult enough to actively try for a baby, she is adult enough to stand on her own two feet and take care of it. It’s absolutely her choice and her body - but so are the resulting responsibilities.

@me4real Are you serious? Congratulations?

There's nothing to congratulate really

The more I think of it, the more cross I feel at DH. Actively cheering her on before, it seems. Irresponsible of him on the highest level and this is where we are now

OP, you're right that she needs to be in her own place when the baby comes. She'll be a much better parent as an independent adult than as a child in her family home.

Op i feel so sorry for your family, they all sound super lovely.......your current behaviour towards her and your dh however is very questionable.

To put it bluntly your dh has a wife problem and your dd has a mother problem.

Maybe the way forward is for you to move out and let the rest of your family be supportive of each other?

Your dd needs you, she is desperate for your help and unconditional love, but all you do is put her down and belittle her.

Maybe you would benefit from therapy? BACP has a directory of therapists so you should be able to find someone suitable near by.

@checkyourpops glad your DH has come around. Good luck

No, there is no ‘wife problem’. The OP seems to be the only person that has acted reasonably in this. If the DD is adult enough to plan a pregnancy then she is adult enough to move out. OP is entirely in her rights to not want to house a baby.

Stick to your guns OP.

OP I think you've had some harsh responses and I agree with you

She wants to be a parent so she needs to take responsibility for herself and the child she plans to bring into the world.

I understand wanting another baby after a loss but this is real life and she sounds quite immature.

The OP doesn't want to live with a baby. Since she's not having one (and her DD is an adult), she doesn't have to. It really is that simple. The OP's DD is not the only one who is allowed to make her own life choices. The OP also has that right too.