Not to support DD TTC?

[checkyourpops]

She's 19. Too young, if we are all completely honest.

Last year, she was pregnant with her own DD who died sadly due to a miscarriage at 20 weeks. The pregnancy wasn't planned, although that wasn't making it any easier obviously. I am/was of course devastated for her so I know she's had a hard time. But she needs to be realistic in her choices, as hard as that may be for now.

Her boyfriend is nice enough but I'm not entirely sure he's right for her, for a number of reasons.

Thing is, even if she did let herself down and her prospects down by moving out and finding somewhere to live, that would at least be something.

But she wants to continue living in her large bedroom, with her en-suite. The house is quite big so we have space but her entitlement is so off.

The reason I know she's TTC is because I found a receipt from Boots on the side next to some Vitamins and my prescription I asked her to pick up. On it said Folic Acid. I take a further look and I find it in the cupboard. Upon confronting DD, she says she's very sorry but they feel TTC is the only thing that's easing their pain.

I said fine, (I was quite angry), but move out first at least. She says she wants to stay here. I said she really can't, with a baby. When asked if she also expected her boyfriend to move in too, she said she didn't expect that? To make matters worse yet, H has spoken to her over dinner apparently?! And he says he supports her decision... when speaking to him in private, I said this is absolutely NOT on, she isn't even willing to move out. He says we've got space and the room. I say no. He's very calm about this whole thing. It's actually infuriating. I said well I bet she still expected to come on holiday with us if she has a baby. He says why not?!

Truth is that H doesn't want to downsize and I do. We currently live in a 5 bed house. It's too big for us all. We also have a DS who's 11.

What on earth would you do? H is not supporting me in encouraging DD to find a space of her own. That's before we get into the fact that two 19 year olds are trying for a baby.

She has no proper job, despite very good A Level results. She chose to go to work in some admin role for the NHS and works only 4 days a week 'because it suits her well'. Her boyfriend works in property of some sort in an advanced apprenticeship, think he did a few before that. A

I'm so upset for her. I can't believe she's doing this to herself and us

@stackemhigh

Right so her baby died, and you’ve just told her that this one might too...regardless of the circumstances, this is fucked up. You need to show her some compassion.

I think OP meant the test isn’t positive, not that the baby will miscarry.

That’s not the way I read it.

The OP's DD didn't give a toss about her mother's thoughts or feelings when she was TTC so I doubt she'll care too much about them now.

@Crispynoodle I have heard many stories like yours - hence why the OP obviously shouldn’t despair. Especially since her daughter with good A-level results and an admin job seems inherently capable.
At the same time would your ambition have reached those heights if your mother had provided everything?

Besides that I’m a bit confused as to why the daughter insists on staying at home. Completely disowning daughter and no help is obviously cruel and extreme but OP isn’t doing that. just wants daughter to have own place. No mention as far as I recall of giving ZERO help. OP can have grandkid over to babysit, financial help etc but once people start living in OP’s house she can’t just kick them out can she? Her words and they way she thinks about daughter are a bit harsh but not completely out of order...

Also to add - given the OP’s husbands attitude - is HE going to bear the brunt of childcare given his brazen attitude? Is his life going to change completely as a result of the grandchild?
Once again the sexism of expecting women to pick up the pieces. It’s OP’s life too and she’s not going to be young and healthy forever as pp have mentioned. A disabled child, accident etc is one thing but to have the rest of your life ruined by something completely preventable is a different level of frustration

is HE going to bear the brunt of childcare given his brazen attitude? Is his life going to change completely as a result of the grandchild?

Doubt it as OP says he has travelled all over the world for work.

This is why OP is so sure childcare will fall on her.

@LateAtTate

Also to add - given the OP’s husbands attitude - is HE going to bear the brunt of childcare given his brazen attitude? Is his life going to change completely as a result of the grandchild? Once again the sexism of expecting women to pick up the pieces. It’s OP’s life too and she’s not going to be young and healthy forever as pp have mentioned. A disabled child, accident etc is one thing but to have the rest of your life ruined by something completely preventable is a different level of frustration

Completely correct.

All eyes will be on the OP.

And considering how immature her daughter is I have no doubt she will have been expecting mummy to cook and clean and bring meals etc...ffs, poor OP.

So what if the OP wants a cottage or a cruise.

She has every bloody right to sit in the desert smoking weed if that is what she wants to do for HER bloody retirement.

In real life I have NEVER come across such anti women sentiment and misogyny as on here from some posters.

Are women NEVER allowed to do anything that doesn't involve looking after men, kids, parents etc.?

Give me strength.

I really hope the OP holds her nerve and makes it absolutely bloody clear that whilst she respects her daughter's right to choose, she doesn't feel obligated to take on a caring role she doesn't want.

I also agree the boyfriend and herself need to go flat hunting together.
His family will no doubt be thrilled too🙄

I'm sorry, as someone who has lost 3 babies and is desperate to have a child, we stopped trying for a year; it broke my heart but we had to be financially responsible. We'd just bought a house and it needed work. We did this so we could provide financially, emotionally and physically for a child. But everyone on here is making out like OP is the bad one?!

The DD is obviously in horrific pain (I get that) but if you want to make adult choices you have to live with adult repercussions.

OP has spoken nothing but kindly about supporting her daughter through her loss. But it is her right to not want to fund and care for another child. It is her right. Her DD needs to grow up fast. She is 19, not 14. And by all other measures seems responsible but this is a massive huge thing she has done and is expecting her family just to fund it. It would be different if she was saying 'a baby is what I need, I'm going to up my hours, look for flats and work out what I'm entitled to but she isn't' strewth. I don't believe one single woman on here would be happy about this?!

@billy1966
I COULDNT AGREE MORE

The OP doesn't want a newborn living in her house and why should she? An accidental baby is one thing; deliberately TTC is quite another.

She sounds entirely selfish and with zero consideration for the baby.

Accidentally getting pregnant no matter what your age is one thing, but intentionally TTC conceive when you have not the finances, home or anything to provide to a child other than what you can try to emotionally manipulate out of your parents is another.

@stackemhigh DH has had his fun swanning all over the world while OP held the fort at home (presumably). Now that she wants to enjoy herself daughter has pulled this and no support from her husband?
Tbh I don’t think OP is angry at the child per se but at the fact that everyone just expects her to drop all plans and fit around everyone else.
She’s not her daughter’s servant.

Yes, if DH wants to help out so much, he can stay home and babysit for DD and the OP can take her DS on some fun trips before it becomes too uncool to go places with his mum.

@LateAtTate totally agree

[quote stackemhigh]@PerciphonePuma

🤣🤣🤣 I have a feeling you'll be doing it alone!

What a jealous and bitter response 👏🙄[/quote]
Yes, and one from someone who didn't RTFT and discover that OP's DH is on side!

[quote LateAtTate]@stackemhigh DH has had his fun swanning all over the world while OP held the fort at home (presumably). Now that she wants to enjoy herself daughter has pulled this and no support from her husband?
Tbh I don’t think OP is angry at the child per se but at the fact that everyone just expects her to drop all plans and fit around everyone else.
She’s not her daughter’s servant.[/quote]
DH has travelled for work, presumably to provide the five bedroom house all done up the way OP wants it. She’s quite open that he’s been a parent who had been the envy of her friends and she also says that her daughter currently more than pulls her weight at home. At no point has OP said she’s worried she’ll end up as surrogate parent, that impression has been invented by various pps.

In addition they have an 11 year old son, originally she said that the downsizing and travel plans were for when he left home. If her daughter is pregnant, the child will have started school by then. Seven years is a long time.

Clearly living in her parents’ home with a baby isn’t viable in the long or medium term but would it really be so terrible for a few months or a year?

@Blossomtoes - she doesn't want a baby living in the house. That's her prerogative.

Gently, I think your perspective is very coloured by your own experience. As it is for all of us. I am probably a similar age to the OP and I wouldn't want it either.

I had a 2nd trimester loss of an unplanned baby. It was awful but it gave me the breathing space to get myself organised to have a planned baby in a much better and more secure position. That's what the DD should be doing.

No parent is obliged to support their children's poor choices, particularly when they're adults.

@Blossomtoes OP’s issue though is not just the daughter living there - it’s her sense of entitlement.
It’s different if daughter said ‘right, I want a baby, this is what I’ll be doing to support baby and this is when I’ll move out.’
Instead she hid the pregnancy from her mother and simply expects to stay at home with no further plans whatsoever. Other than parents continuing to fund her. Once she and baby are comfortable in the parents’ home - what’s the imperative for her to move out? It’s not going to be easy to kick them out. Months will turn into years and it’ll become harder and harder.

Also the other issue is that OP’s DH isn’t on the same page. IMO this is the bigger issue. Yes he worked hard to provide her with the house but she raised their children. Husband and wife are a team. And they’re not on the same page.

Also to reiterate for a final time - OP isn’t planning on turning her daughter out onto the streets. She wants to encourage her to get her OWN space. Turning the question back onto you - why why why is there a dead urgent imperative that OP’s daughter stay in her parent’s house? If as you say daughter is responsible and blah blah and OP won’t be a surrogate parent then she should have no issue with taking care of a baby alone. In a separate building. Parents can still provide financial support.

Yes, all our views are shaped by our experience, I’d be the last person to argue with that. You’re also right that no parent is obliged to support their children’s choices, good or bad.

I think my difficulty is the same as OP’s daughter’s - if she was prepared to support her through her first pregnancy, why not this one?

At no point has OP said she’s worried she’ll end up as surrogate parent, that impression has been invented by various pps

Actually, the OP said:

It's the care that comes with a GC under the same roof - you almost always end up taking on lots of extra work. But I don't want to. I don't want to care for a GC in my house. I want to visit. I want to hand them back properly and return to peace.

I think that’s fair enough.

I was pregnant at 17/18 and also lost babies including after 20 weeks. So I can relate to Dd. I was desperate to be pregnant after all my losses. Nothing else mattered. Its biological and like a need fir many people. You can't just turn it off. Hard to explain if you haven't been through it and everyone is different. But to me I only healed when I had a healthy baby. You can't replace them and I will always grieve but being pregnant again gave me hope for the future. It truly is a bleak time after such a terrible loss. Its not fair that you don't have a baby after a few months of pregnancy.

[quote showmethegin]@billy1966
I COULDNT AGREE MORE [/quote]
Me too.

I'd be telling DD right now that this plan of having a baby and staying at home isn't happening.

No ifs, no buts, no way.

So she'd better get her fucking entitled arse out there and find somewhere else's to live within the next 3 months.

Bollocks to these suggestions of "let her stay for the first year". She would never leave.

Get her out now or kiss goodbye to your planned retirement, OP.

@Blossomtoes

...if she was prepared to support her through her first pregnancy, why not this one?

You cannot be serious.

@Vivi0

At no point has OP said she’s worried she’ll end up as surrogate parent, that impression has been invented by various pps

Actually, the OP said:

It's the care that comes with a GC under the same roof - you almost always end up taking on lots of extra work. But I don't want to. I don't want to care for a GC in my house. I want to visit. I want to hand them back properly and return to peace.

I think that’s fair enough.

@Blossomtoes but OP never said she wasn’t going to support her daughter. She just doesn’t want them in the same house. Don’t know why this is so hard for you to comprehend.

...if she was prepared to support her through her first pregnancy, why not this one?

She is prepared to support her (while feeling understandably extremely angry and disappointed) through this pregnancy as well. Just not in the same house. Can you not understand this?

One very good reason for being tough about making the DD moving out after this planned pregnancy is that the OP needs to think about what kind of precedant is being created here. I'd be concerned that the DD is going to do this more than once, frankly, if she thinks she's got a cushy deal going on home. This girl needs a wakeup call.