Not to support DD TTC?

[checkyourpops]

She's 19. Too young, if we are all completely honest.

Last year, she was pregnant with her own DD who died sadly due to a miscarriage at 20 weeks. The pregnancy wasn't planned, although that wasn't making it any easier obviously. I am/was of course devastated for her so I know she's had a hard time. But she needs to be realistic in her choices, as hard as that may be for now.

Her boyfriend is nice enough but I'm not entirely sure he's right for her, for a number of reasons.

Thing is, even if she did let herself down and her prospects down by moving out and finding somewhere to live, that would at least be something.

But she wants to continue living in her large bedroom, with her en-suite. The house is quite big so we have space but her entitlement is so off.

The reason I know she's TTC is because I found a receipt from Boots on the side next to some Vitamins and my prescription I asked her to pick up. On it said Folic Acid. I take a further look and I find it in the cupboard. Upon confronting DD, she says she's very sorry but they feel TTC is the only thing that's easing their pain.

I said fine, (I was quite angry), but move out first at least. She says she wants to stay here. I said she really can't, with a baby. When asked if she also expected her boyfriend to move in too, she said she didn't expect that? To make matters worse yet, H has spoken to her over dinner apparently?! And he says he supports her decision... when speaking to him in private, I said this is absolutely NOT on, she isn't even willing to move out. He says we've got space and the room. I say no. He's very calm about this whole thing. It's actually infuriating. I said well I bet she still expected to come on holiday with us if she has a baby. He says why not?!

Truth is that H doesn't want to downsize and I do. We currently live in a 5 bed house. It's too big for us all. We also have a DS who's 11.

What on earth would you do? H is not supporting me in encouraging DD to find a space of her own. That's before we get into the fact that two 19 year olds are trying for a baby.

She has no proper job, despite very good A Level results. She chose to go to work in some admin role for the NHS and works only 4 days a week 'because it suits her well'. Her boyfriend works in property of some sort in an advanced apprenticeship, think he did a few before that. A

I'm so upset for her. I can't believe she's doing this to herself and us

So any baby that may come along is purely an Elastoplast for the wound caused by her loss? I'm sympathetic for her tragic loss () - truly horrendous - but to 'use' a little life like she is planning, is nothing short of cruel.....

Poor thing (the potential baby, not your DD)

@SkodaKodiaq

So any baby that may come along is purely an Elastoplast for the wound caused by her loss? I'm sympathetic for her tragic loss () - truly horrendous - but to 'use' a little life like she is planning, is nothing short of cruel.....

Poor thing (the potential baby, not your DD)

If you have children, why did you have yours?

Blossomtoes

Because they're together and they will get along better if they take responsibility and set up a home for their child. It'll either work or it won't but bringing grandparents in to provide what a parent should provide is helping no one. If they weren't two adults in a relationship that is, as far as we know, fine, it would be different. But this is just odd and helping no one. I feel for the baby's dad who seems relegated to sperm donor at this point. The DD needs to stand on her own feet or at least try. No one is suggesting she stay with him if she doesn't want to.

@checkyourpops

My DH annoys me because 5 years ago we spoke of retiring to a little cottage or majorly downsizing when DS went to uni/turns 18. All gone to shit now though if he insists that what DD is planning is fine

I wanted more holidays and time away. So instead of spending 1/2 weeks abroad, we could cruise etc. DH is due to retire very soon and it's a shame if it can't be as good as we'd hoped

Ahhh so the fact that DD's plans are irresponsible is neither here nor there, what you're worried about is your cruising plans potentially changing

Yes, your DD is being irresponsible, absolutely! You're 100% correct about that. But don't 'use' that to cover up the fact that what you're really worried about, is your plans to go cruising and your cottage

I am young(ish) and I think the majority of the responses you are getting on here is disgraceful, such MN crap....total virute signalling and half these smug posters critising you would be horrified if their DD was doing the same.

Fwiw i think you are doing the right thing and I would hold the line. She needs to cut the bullshit. Right now.

The tears and emotional blackmail just won't wash. She needs to get real and make a plan.Literally sit her down and ask her how exactly she and her boyfriend plan to support a child because as a parent she needs to be independent and cannot live with you.

I angry for you - She is expecting you sacrifice a huge amount (with seemingly no awareness) to fund - financially, physically and emotionally - her lifestyle choices which she herself isn't interested in working to fund. Her sense of entitlement is staggering.

Consequences have actions.

OP YANBU

Like others have said, she is an adult so entitled to TTC and work as she pleases

However she doesn't seem to want to have the responsibilities of an adult such as working to find her life and finding her own place to live

SO you are fully entitled to tell her if she plans to have a baby then she will need to find her own place

She is taking the piss

Yes, your DD is being irresponsible, absolutely! You're 100% correct about that. But don't 'use' that to cover up the fact that what you're really worried about, is your plans to go cruising and your cottage

Please dont make the OP feel bad for wanting some freedoms after raising her kids.

@LivingLaVidaCovid +1

Make adult choices, take on adult responsibilities

@SkodaKodiaq The OP can be upset about her daughter being irresponsible and about the change to how she envisioned her retirement. It’s not one or the other!

@SkodaKodiaq
Being a mother isn't a life sentence
She has every right to make plans for her future particularly as she is funding those plans!!!! Helping raise a grandchild in her home will fundamentally impact her life. She has a right to have a say on that.
Also she isn't turning around and expecting her -feckless DD to pay for her cruise and her cottage...!
How is it she is selfish, but her daughter who is unilaterally making decisions that blow up both her parents and brothers lives without thought or care is some victim???

[quote checkyourpops]@osbertthesyrianhamster Thank you, I probably won't divorce over it but I will be furious with him. I don't want a baby/small child in this house again. It's perfect and done up exactly to how I want, no Micky hands [/quote]
My god that's your future Grandchild you're talking about there!!!!!

So if your DD moved out, you'd ban your grandchild from your home because of 'mucky hands???' Wow wow wow

This is the most sociopathic thing I think I've ever read on Mumsnet. You really REALLY don't like your DD do you? You've shown nothing but disdain and vitriol for her on this thread. Hatred almost.
ZERO sympathy whatsoever I could cry

@SkodaKodiaq

Ahhh so the fact that DD's plans are irresponsible is neither here nor there, what you're worried about is your cruising plans potentially changing hmm

Yes, your DD is being irresponsible, absolutely! You're 100% correct about that. But don't 'use' that to cover up the fact that what you're really worried about, is your plans to go cruising and your cottage hmm

OP is absolutely entitled to do what she wants when her kids are adults.

A colleague died last month soon after retirement. Nobody should assume they will leave for decades after retirement, OP rightly wants to cease time for herself and DH when both dc fly the coop. I’m in my 30 but I can see it from OP’s side.

So if your DD moved out, you'd ban your grandchild from your home because of 'mucky hands???' Wow wow wow

Yes because that’s exactly what OP said 🙄

This is the most sociopathic thing I think I've ever read on Mumsnet. You really REALLY don't like your DD do you? You've shown nothing but disdain and vitriol for her on this thread. Hatred almost.

Examples of hatred please?

ZERO sympathy whatsoever I could cry

Drama queen much.

@checkyourpops

You may have talked about downsizing with your husband years ago but plans can change.

This is our future that we've worked hard for. So no, plans can't change

🤣🤣🤣 I have a feeling you'll be doing it alone!

I think the majority of the responses you are getting on here is disgraceful

I agree.

If it was the DD who was posting, I think the comments would be very different.

The majority of the responses are 100% behind OP. They seem to think her daughter is Satan incarnate.

Gosh, obviously coming from a place of grief but your DD is being very selfish. She isn't thinking about the life she can offer a child or how she is going to provide for it. Nor is she thinking about the impact on the family members she lives with. Not entirely her fault either, she's too young to have a child and sounds very immature.

Don't feel guilty if you push ahead with her moving out. You aren't leaving your GC to grow up in poverty! She needs to learn that she is responsible for her decisions and her child, not you. You've done your child rearing you shouldn't have to through it again, sacrifice your life plans and your peaceful home just because your DD has used TTC to fulfil the gap left after she had a miscarriage.

Try and be happy for her that she's got what she wanted and you can be a supportive mum without endorsing her stupid decisions. Have repeated frank talks about finding somewhere to live and support her with finding a nice place and teaching her how to run a household.

@PerciphonePuma

🤣🤣🤣 I have a feeling you'll be doing it alone!

What a jealous and bitter response 👏🙄

@Gloschick

I'm going against the general opinion here. I think you were absolutely right to tell her to get her own flat if wants to ttc. However, now that it looks like there is a baby on the way, if it were me, then I would let her stay for the first year. The fact that she doesn't want to go off and play happy families in her own place suggests that: a) her relationship with b'friend isn't up to much b) she needs your support It is incredibly frustrating that she has done this, but you guys are all that she has got. Her head isn't in a good place. In a few months she is going to have a baby to look after which is incredibly hard work at the best of times. She needs to feel supported. If b'friend isn't going to do it, then it needs to be you and dh. You need to set boundaries. Maybe allocate a couple of rooms at the far end of the house for her to live in. She gets up at night with the baby. Maybe offer to babysit once a week to give her a break. After a year she has to find her own place before the sticky hands start. She will be a lot more grown up by that stage, and hopefully be in a better head space to make decisions about her future.

Have you listened to anything the OP has said? She doesn't want a baby in her house, why should she suffer through the hardest first year? Why should she have to offer to babysit 🤔 🤔

The options aren't either throw her out on the streets with nowhere to go or let her stay and get sucked into doing her parenting for her.

There is a middle option. Help her get set up in a comfortable flat near the OP's home where she can visit frequently. Encourage her to research all the benefits and other financial help available and offer short-term financial help if there is a shortfall. Give her lots of support in her own flat in the days following the birth so she can recover and catch up on rest. And offer frequent babysitting help going forward but on the OP's terms... so maybe a couple of evenings a fortnight and the occasional weekend. The sort of babysitting help grandparents typically provide. There are plenty of ways the OP can be supportive without having the baby in her home and it will be much easier for her DD to come to terms with parenting if she is doing it as an adult in her own space, not as a child in the family home. If she is allowed to abdicate responsibility at the start, it will be much harder for the parent-child relationship to develop and she may become resentful of the baby if badgered by the OP to step up.

@checkyourpops

Just got this off of DD. I said since she's living with us, I'd like her to do another test please.

She handed me this... all tearful. Big long speech about how she will work beyond hard and even do housekeeping for me if I let her stay.

Says she is absolutely thrilled, she knows I'm not but tried hugging me and saying this baby could be the making of her I said it isn't really that clear a positive so might not stick anyway, but she needs to tell her boyfriend. She said she will tomorrow.

I wasn't impressed. I said what's done is done but you need to find somewhere to live now. I've yet to tell H. She started yelling 'Please mum, let us stay!'. I haven't seen her since 7 now and she didn't want dinner

Going to come off this thread for a while whilst I process this. I now feel God awful, letting my future grandchild grow up in a small flat, because that's all they could afford reasonably

I'm so upset, I really am

Right so her baby died, and you’ve just told her that this one might too...regardless of the circumstances, this is fucked up. You need to show her some compassion.

The majority of the responses are 100% behind OP. They seem to think her daughter is Satan incarnate.

No, this isn’t true. The majority of posts are supportive of the OP, it’s true, but they are very empathetic regarding her DD’s late miscarriage. They think that her decision to get pregnant again has been made for all the wrong reasons.

I agree with this, I think that the OP’s DD’s pregnancy is very much an attempt to replace the baby she lost, which is really sad. However, if she really is pregnant, then the decision has been made and it’s too late for recriminations.

Obviously, that doesn’t mean that the OP should change her stance and allow her DD to continue to live at home. There’s plenty of time for her to find somewhere else to live. She has a job, so she’s in a position to support herself.

Right so her baby died, and you’ve just told her that this one might too...regardless of the circumstances, this is fucked up. You need to show her some compassion.

I think OP meant the test isn’t positive, not that the baby will miscarry.

"I said it isn't really that clear a positive so might not stick anyway"

You actually said that?
To your daughter after her late miscarriage?

It is a clear positive. I'd be gutted too. But you can't talk to her like that! You are right to stick to your guns on her moving out but you can at least try to be supportive despite knowing it's a mistake.